Think back to your elementary school library. Picture the shelves lining the walls, the colorful array of book spines, and the sweet old lady librarian who would always help you pick out what to read next, tell your class stories in the rocking chair, and make sure to always let everyone see the pictures before she moved on. (FYI - she’s probably dead now. Try not to think about that for the sake of the exercise.) As a kid, it was a world of adventure and promise, where every book was sure to take you on a magic carpet ride to faraway lands while helping you learn along the way.
Hopefully you know better by now. The library was nothing more than a cesspool of literary bile, a place where the talentless hacks of the writing world were free to dump their crappy paperback series about anthropomorphic animals, a notable example being the Redwall series by Brian Jacques.
Since the tales of Redwall spawned nineteen novels, two picture books, an animated television show, a graphic novel, and an opera, you'd think that the series would be interesting, philosophical, and profound.
Well, you'd be wrong.
The Redwall Universe
The Redwall books take place in an alternate universe where rodents are the dominant species and it is somehow the medieval times. The title is taken from the main setting of the series, Redwall Abbey. The red sandstone abbey is a peaceful half-church/half-impenetrable fortress where fuzzy creatures of all shapes and sizes live in harmony as comrades. Pretty much all of the books take place here. Other surrounding lands include the mountain Salamandastrom, the kingdom of Malkariss (formerly the fields of Loamhedge), and the Mossflower Woods.
The Storyline of Every Redwall Book
1. Someone writes in a diary. Everything's cool.
3. Some of the good guys fight the bad guys, and the pussies that are too scared or weak to fight will always end up finding a cleverly written rhyming riddle by fucking around with the abbey's integrity (i.e. breaking a statue, kicking a brick, digging underneath the building).
5. Arbitrary "on a boat" chapters, including battle on said boat.
7. There's a huge final showdown between the good guys and bad guys. The good guys win, but not before a few of the nice characters die. This is because Brian Jacques wants the kids to know that he is hardcore and knows about real life. Every final showdown plays out the same: Good guys attack bad guy's fortress, antagonist acts badass. Protagonist breeches evil lair, finds antagonist, who promptly flees like a pussy, deeper into his lair. Protagonist chases and subsequently corners antagonist, who begs for his life. Protagonist kills antagonist. Don't believe me? Head to your local library and skim through the last chapter or two. Every one is exactly the fucking same with maybe half of the names changed.
10. Someone writes another diary entry, so the story is brought around full-circle and completely resolved.
Over half of every Redwall book is nothing more than Jacques rambling on about all the different vegetarian dishes that his little mouse characters make. So much description is wasted on trying to paint a picture of delicious meals for the reader that by the time they're done eating dinner, you've already thrown the book into a Jewcinerator where it belongs. This would be okay if they ate anything other than dirt and twigs. But no, it is apparently the author's duty to spend twenty pages illustrating the many subtleties that can be found in the construction of a trifle.
- No joke. Every third plate of food in Redwall has a trifle on it. Or a scone or something. Does anyone even eat those? Ever?
- Martin the Warrior- MARTIN IS MOUSE JESUS.
Though the Redwall series spans generations, there are a few characters whose names are permanently tattooed in the acne-ridden back of the abbey's history. And by a few, I mean only one. He has a super long sword, and he is Jacques' sad excuse for a Christ allegory. To solidify this metaphor, characters will often perform Satanic rituals to appease the tapestry of Martin, fearing widespread death and the loss of their children from his displeasure. Throughout the series, it's not uncommon for Martin to appear to characters as a ghost in revealing dreams or visions. Without getting into genealogy and shit, he's really the only character who is mentioned in more than one book.
- Abbot/Abbess - the overlord of Redwall. The abbot is the coordinator of all the activities in the abbey, but more accurately, the abbot is the coordinator of nothing because the animals never do anything anyways.
- Badger Mother - also known as Badgermums, these mutant skunks dedicate themselves to sweepin' da floes and lookin' after da chillens. They're basically the black mammies of the abbey, and they live for pretty much ever.
- Cellarhog - the hedgehog in charge of the wine cellar. This poor bastard is forced into a lifetime of underground servitude in a cold, dark basement with only the rows and rows of fermenting alcohol to keep him company. His favorite hobbies include drinking, being drunk, and fucking the corkholes in empty barrels.
- Skipper of Otters - a furry version of Hugh Hefner, back when he was the spokesperson for Old Spice. This character is guaranteed to always act like a prep jock since the only talents he has are sailing, swimming, partying, and getting girl otters pregnant.
- Foremole - the most special retard of them all. Every last one of the moles is portrayed as mentally retarded, but it's like someone told this guy he had Asperger's syndrome, and now he has to parade around as the smartest dumbass of the group. Fortunately, the animals at Redwall know how to deal with aspies-- the Foremole and his crew spend most of their days slaving in the underground drug tunnels beneath the abbey.
Brian Jacques appeals to his handicapped fanbase by making it super easy to tell which characters are the good guys and the bad guys. All you have to do is look at what species they are, and then the magical benefits of black-and-white morality are instantly revealed! If they're a mouse, a squirrel, a hedgehog, an otter, a badger, a hare, or a mole, they're a good guy. If they're a ferret, a stoat, a weasel, a rat, a fox, or a polecat, they're pure evil. There are also sometimes birds and lizards, but nobody gives a fuck about them.
Cybercatmia (aka Saphamia)
Okay, so there's some bad Redwall fan art out there, but at least it tends to be few and far between. With Cybercatmia, this is not the case. Cybercatmia is a devianTARTlet who spends her days spewing out request after request from her six loyal fans, no matter how sick or ridiculous their fantasies may be. What draws the furfags to her is a mystery, as she has absolutely zero artistic appeal, but it could have something to do with her whining and crying about how she's broke in her journals and all the commissions she agrees to whore out.
She is a university student and is undeniably virginal. To provide a reference point, she said that she was highly embarrassed to have drawn this picture (which, surprisingly enough, was a request):
As is the case with most Redwall fan artists, Cybercatmia can't decide whether she wants to outright copy the shitty art from the cartoon series or give all the characters a kawaii animu reboot, so every picture she draws makes her rat characters look like Don Bluth and Hayao Miyazaki's half-developed abortions. Regardless, she readily hands out these limp, dripping fetuses like Halloween candy to anyone who has an adorable, creative Redwall original character.
Even more lulz come from her involvement in the Mossflower film project, a bound-to-fail attempt by a bunch of weeaboo furries to continue living their childhood by producing and animating their own Redwall movie. They are all convinced that they're devoting themselves to some noble undertaking, but what none of them realize is that if Brian Jacques had really wanted to license an animated Mossflower movie, he would have already done it by now. The Mossflower movie is one of the most overwhelmingly pitiful examples of what happens when fantards work together.
The Redwall books were written in an arbitrary order with dubious continuity. The author had not thought about series continuity, and a gap formed between First Strike and Redwall.
General Brocktree-2008 An attempt to blend the traditional fighting of the series with human drama, General Brocktree follows a badger on his pointless quest to obtain chemical weapons. In the end, everybody dies, including Brocktree. Salamandastron Mountain Complex is supposedly founded, but in reality it was merely found. This book is regarded as crap even by hardcore Redwall fans.
Warriors-1999 This book tells the story of Martin the Warrior as he first invades a slave compound, and then kills an evil Russian cat and builds Redwall. It has been heavily criticized as condensed and containing nothing but non-stop senseless violence, which means it's just a typical Redwall book but without the filler. Not to be confused with another book about cats called Warriors.
The Legend of Luke-2007 An obvious parody of The Legend of Zelda, with Martin as Link and some evil rat as Ganon. It compares favorably to the real thing. Martin dies in this book, ostensibly of a flu. However, the symptoms described are more in line with a cocaine overdose.
Foxtrot Uniform-2003 Regarded as the worst book in the series. A fox steals a rat from Redwall (he was evil anyway), there is a quest that ends in failure, and a bellmaker has something to do with it. A cache of plutonium is found and cast into the bell of Redwall. Most readers regard this book as terrible because of the lack of racism, sparse violence, and realism. However, hardcore readers are quick to note that the bell would actually reach critical mass and explode.
First Strike-2005 Salamandastron falls under siege, and two misfits from Redwall come to the rescue. A biological attack is unleashed against Redwall and an otter and a baby mouse must find a cure. This book is the shortest at only 220 pages long, lacks an ending, and has no real continuity with the next book.
Redwall-1987 The first book written. Redwall features a young mouse that must search for Martin's sword to cut a cake, which is being attack by Asmodeus Poisonteeth, a giant radioactive adder. Meanwhile, a very evil rat named Cluny The Scourge decides to seize Redwall to make it his summer home.
Mattimeo-1989 A fox named Slagar and his gang infilitrates Redwall disguised as a circus band. Slagar and his gang drug the residents of Redwall Abbey, steal several of their kidneys, and take their young to a kingdom called Malkariss, where they will be friends forever and ever to Malkariss (Malkariss, by the way, is an old scrawny, anorexic polecat who heroically hides behind a big scary furry statue! You probably don't want to know what he does with his cuddly under-aged friends inside that scary statue!) . It's up to Matthias and his friends to save their butts.
Not quite understanding that nobody except for sick fucks wanted to see medieval mice stabbing each other to death, some Canadians and Europeans decided to make a cartoon for American children and, despite the horrific imagery and brutal violence, put it on the same station as Arthur. While the visuals were average, season one in particular made excellent usage of sound effects to scar little kids, most often by showing a character screaming in front a giant snake or Constance before the screen fades to black and the audience hears the sounds of bone crunching, letting the little kids imagine for themselves just how much of a painful, gory mess the attack was. Coming up next, it's Clifford the Big Red Dog!
The first season follows the adventures of Matthias as he sits in his room and masturbates while George Clooney (the Scourge!) wages war on the abbey until a ghost tells him to GTFO and get the magical sword of nostalgia from Asmodeus, the snake Pokemon, in order to save the abbey from Mr. Cluny's special needs class. While he's away for-fucking-ever trying to get the sword, the abbey does jack all except let Constance troll Cluny's army by killing everyone because Cluny's a retard that can't do anything except either deliberately get his men killed or leave them to die. Each "plan" ends with him shaking his fist in the air while shouting "I'll get you next time Redwall Abbey," followed by him walking off-screen to take his Ritalin. The abbey, rather than use the ballista from episode 8 to pwn Cluny, instead circlejerks about how peaceful and liberal they are until Cluny takes a bunch of hostages and finally pwns the abbey until Matthias returns with the magical sword of plot and cuts a rope, causing a bell to drop on the rat who was for some reason standing directly under it. Cluny dies as he lived, with no roadblocks on the retard road.
Season two aka Baby Rollo: The Adventures of Some Annoying Babyfur, is based off of Mattimeo, and stars a rambunctious young baby yukkuri named Rollo before he became a nigger in Seth MacFarlene's cartoons. Captivating the audience with his inability to speak and with the charming help of everyone in the abbey (who, for some reason, just let him go get drunk and break everything), baby Rollo helps uncover a puzzle in B plot that has absolutely nothing to do with Matthias and the gang tracking down Nigel Thornberry and the children he raped, while shouting the same one liners in every battle. A lot of your old friends get pwned and sent to furry Hell to be used as background characters for Dave Hopkins, so don't feel bad if you don't give a shit by the end of the first five episodes.
Season three follows the story of Martin the Warrior during his first year of Mossflower High School as he tries to impress the girl of his dreams just in time for the big dance, but how is a simpleton like Martin supposed to shine brightly enough to even get close to her? How is he supposed to learn the legendary Noonvale Jig when Mrs. Johnson won't stop giving him math homework? To make things worse a wacky misunderstanding has caused Martin to be on the receiving end of some hilarious pranks from school bully Felldoh! Will Martin best his tormentor and get the girl of his dreams? Will this be just as boring as the book it's based off of? Who even cares?
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|Featured article November 27, 2010|
Gay Teen Forum