Reina Nightclub Massacre

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Police.gif "Come on, it's lovely weather
For a slay
(ride together with you)"
File:Reina nightclub istanbul before.jpg
Reina nightclub, 31 December 2016...
File:Reina nightclub istanbul dead.jpg
...vs. 1 January 2017. (Turks sure know how to party!)
Santa Claus
Born 1982
Nationality Uzbek-Turkroach 21px Miniflag Turkey.png
Occupation Santa Claus cosplayer
Highscore Killed 39, injured 79
Top 50? Template:Highscorelist
Style FPS single player
An Hero? No, captured 2 weeks later
Motive ISIS recruitment drive

As 2017 kicks in, residents of Istanbul, Turkey, (both native and foreign) decide to do what they do best: go to an exclusive, near-maximum capacity nightclub to commemorate the end of a shitty year and what would be the many days ahead of them. Unfortunately, getting drunk on the first day of a brand new year isn't going to make you invincible. This rang true for those inside when a lone gunman, Abdulkadir Masharipov, dressed as Santa Claus (disproven) and armed with an AK-47 and a limitless supply of stun grenades, became the somewhat shittier 2.0 version of Omar Mateen and proceeded to murder 39 clubbers and injure 79 more.

The Shooting

File:Reina nightclub istanbul shooting.jpg
New Year's fireworks show came late.

Our protagonist attacked at night, during a time of heightened security measures with approximately 17,000 on-duty police spread across the city (but obviously they didn't do their fucking job right). The precautions were put in place following several terrorist attacks in recent months, many of which were perpetrated by ISIS and Kurdish militants. In lieu of the celebratory climate, and to maximize lulz, our gunman donned a Santa Claus outfit for his mission. He adopted a highly sophisticated plan of attack, which was to storm in guns blazing and shoot randomly at anything in sight like a chimp and hope the Santa costume would disguise his acts as a comedy sketch.

Hundreds of partygoers, including men in suits and women in cocktail dresses, were seen emerging from the club in a state of shock. Due to a combination of our protagonist's wit and the police being overweight and therefore unable to run properly, the gunman managed to blend in with the panicked crowd and escape. Authorities took more than two weeks to finally catch the guy, but from what we know of Abdulkadir Mashrapov, he's a pretty cool guy.

Foreign Media Coverage

Error creating thumbnail: File missing
Happy New Year!

Like the idiots that they are, old media originally thought that there was two gunman, not one. This turned out to be false later on, but it does give a perfect example of how the news and other media sources are so quick to report on shit without knowing the true facts. Like the Mevlüt Mert Altıntaş incident which actually happened not too long ago, the gunman reportedly shouted "Allahu Akbar" while firing at the patrons. Turkey's President Recep Erdogan stated that the country was going to fight against terrorism, and was determined to destroy the source of threats and attacks against it. Once Turkish authorities realized that others were reporting on the event, they immediately sperged out on everyone and issued a temporary gag order. The shooting has been described as a 'terrorist attack' by Istanbul's governor, Vasip Şahin. Turkey's Prime Minister, Binali Yildirim, has denied initial reports that the shooter had been dressed as Santa Claus. A number of people jumped into the Bosphorus Strait to escape the attack, and we can only hope those losers drown to death because nobody will miss them. On January 2, ISIS took responsibility on Twitter for the attack, but authorities are still scrambling to find the killer.

America's Response

Obama was vacationing with his family in Hawaii so he really didn't give a shit, and only knew of the massacre when he was briefed on the attack by his national security. More sufficient evidence that he didn't give a fuck, he asked to be constantly updated as the situation developed, White House spokesman Eric Schultz said. They condemned what it was called as a "horrific terrorist attack" and offered help to Turkey, even though they knew for sure that they weren't going to give help for any person in that dump of a third-world country, and as the President of Dumbfuckistan, you know you only want the job to make yourself be considered as a public figure and not do anything you said you were going to do.

Sick Ass Gameplay Footage


Graded Score
Kill Count:
Just spammed shit like a faggot
Went in there and did what he had to do
Zerg rushed everyone
Total Score: 84/100 (B)
See full ranking

Wanted Level
National Guard

See Also

External Links

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Aaron AlexisAbdul Razak Ali ArtanAdam LanzaAlex HribalAli David SonbolyAnders Behring BreivikBaruch GoldsteinBruce Jeffrey PardoCasey AnthonyCho Seung-HuiChris Harper-Mercer Daniel PetricDmitry VinogradovDylann Storm RoofElliot RodgerAmanda KnoxGeorge SodiniGerry McCannJared Lee LoughnerJason RodriguezJeff WeiseJiverly VoongJoe StackJosef FritzlKimveer GillKip KinkelLindsay Kantha SouvannarathLogan ClarkMalik Nadal HasanMarc LepineMark EssexMartin BryantMatthew MurrayMatthew de GroodMatti SaariMaurice ClemmonsMichael CarnealMichael RyanMichael WoodmanseeMutsuo ToiPekka-Eric AuvinenRaoul MoatRobert BalesRobert HawkinsRobert SteinhäuserSebastian BosseSteve StephensTJ LaneTim KretschmerTyler PetersonTheodore "The Unabomber" KaczynskiVester Lee "Bryce Williams" Flanagan IIWade Michael PageZac Penton

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Charles MansonChris BenoitHitlerMao ZedongJack the RipperJames HolmesRichard "The Iceman" KuklinskiTed BundyJeffrey Dahmer


Al-QaedaDzhokar TsarnaevOmar MateenSanta ClausTamerlan TsarnaevOsama Bin LadenEric Harris and Dylan Klebold Sam Hyde

See also:

Antisocial personality disorderCannibal HolocaustParanoid personality disorderSick fuckMurderJewsPolice Brutality

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