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Not to be confused with: You.
— Bill Clinton
A retard is a term of endearment for the genetically inferior, stupid and ugly sub-human species put on this earth from God solely for the entertainment of normal people, due to their handicap of being incredibly funny. A retard is anyone with an IQ of 110 or lower, which points to the obvious conclusion that approximately 99.8% of Americans are, in truth, retards. Just barely below niggers, Jews and homosexuals on the human evolutionary scale, it is commonly believed that retards are created by fucktarded, mouth breather sperm.
Other than laughing at the way that they look and act, tards are biologically cursed, wastes of space, time and the taxpayer's money. Failed abortions, many bleeding heart liberals feel the need to "adopt" these parasites to keep them as beloved pets to entertain them for 20-30 years and dump them into housing institutions for states to fund them.
A proven, common cause of retardation is your mother getting stuck in the stink, forgetting to wipe the tard-infested shit off your father's dick, then getting stuck in the pink thus conceiving your retarded ass (for great justice). Check science. There are some new developments that indicate that some forms of autism may be linked to early television viewing.
A common tell-tale sign of being a retard is trying to use the plugs from Hot Topic to pleasure yourself, shitting your underwear, being a faggot, masturbating over fictional pink and sparkling ponies, or all of the theories listed.
Alternative theories suggest that retardation is also caused by punching pregnant women in the stomach, or by a man using a condom, as some Durex factories carry headlice, stringrays and AIDS. Though, if you consider yourself one of those Bible-fucking, religious Christ fags, you could argue that a retard is the way they are thanks to a trolling God sticking His mighty, all powerful middle finger up the cunt of the pregnant woman and cursing the womb.
Since you are special, watch this. When you are done, click on the X at the upper right side of the window and then go take a nap.
Discerning a retard is very easy - simply find someone who is saying retarded shit, and then you respond with "O rly?". The typical retard's response will be huh?, "yes orly", or "what's orly?" Female retards will confuse O rly? for Orally and will either be offended or proceed with the perceived command, a win/win.
Another method of retard detection, as is employed by General Bethlehem, can be used for a more accurate confirmation of retards in a close quarters encounter with an actual retard.
1) Get a good visual confirmation of the mongoloid, from a reasonable distance.
2) Approach the mongoloid slowly, preferably from the side. Do not take your eyes off the mongoloid.
3) With your index finger, press on the soft skin tissue that is located just under the eye of the mongoloid.
"People" with Down syndrome also have a certain appearance. Here are some people with Down syndrome - note the way they hold their mouths open with their tongue slopping over their lower lips, and their ears, which God made when he was high on weed. In addition, they usually only know Simple English.
Retards also cannot let a random die.aka typical devianTART users. This is not English. It was probably written by a retard.
Spotting a retard at a dance party can be pretty easy. 
The Place of the Retard
E-tards are the second strongest vegetable, just behind the potato. (Most recent google fight - Saturday, August 07, 2010) The strongest vegetable on the Internets remains the potato, prolly something to do with Dan Quayle and spell check.
It is important that the mainstream community do their part in involving those who are not as capable or gifted as we are. We must teach our children the healthiest way to interact with their handicapped peers as much as possible:
Not All Retards Are Tards
The general, common belief amongst society is that all retards are tards; this is simply untrue. Retard can indicate a variety of handicapped individuals. For instance, people with certain birth defects that make them physically inferior can still make them retards.
Retarded women with Spinal Bifeda may have normal IQs and may be able to sort some files and type shit on a computer, they still aren't able to participate in many sexual positions. But they probably could give great head.
Retards in Hollywood
The majority of the people who work in and inhabit Hollywood are, in fact, retards. This is displayed in numerous autobiographical features about prominent Hollytards:
Retards in the Music Industry
As with Mariah Carey, Jim Carey, Carrot Top, Jerry Lewis, and Ringo Starr it is often the case that a talentless person is allowed in to the music industry based entirely on the fact that they are an adorable retard. Also, this is the reason why the entire cast of an old 70's musical Television sitcom known as "Hee Haw" and poor black children alike almost always stand in the front row of a church choir while singing songs about delicious fried chickens and Chitlings.
Quotes from the Moralfags
— Some random faggot
Because retard is probably the default insult on the Internets, it has spawned a variety of more specialized variants:
- Leftard: used by "compassionate conservatives" to describe their opposition. In this instance, "compassionate" means "still uses words like 'retarded' and 'colored' in public."
- Rightard: used by Leftards as a lame response to the above, which of course is lame to begin with.
- Fucktard: a more intense version of retard, with an over-all connotation of "a waste of skin".
- Special education student: the same thing as a retard, but this one gets a fancier word.
- Hotard: a retarded slut. Usually a blonde woman. Reserved for women nice guys can't get.
- loltard: a person who uses the acronym "lol" every 5 words and at the end of every sentence, even though there is nothing funny going on.
- Internetard: The most common type of retard there is. The average internetards' day consist of posting on 4chan, blanking ED articles that they feel butthurt about, making shitty videos on JewTube and last but not least, playing shitty Lego rip-off building games.
- Mustard: a severe case of retardness, who makes as much sense as its epithet.
- /b/tard: someone who frequents 4chan's /b/ board. Unlike most -tards, they wear this moniker as a badge of pride.
- G-tard: a white male who pretends he's poor and from "da hood" even though he's rich and from the suburbs.
- Handicapped: aka "special" aka "mentally crippled" aka "conveniently parked" aka "mental amputee"
- Dee Dee Dee: A lame ass phrase coined by a fake ass mexican.
- Chromosomally Unfortunate: a fancy science-type term for "MAH BAYBEE IS NAHT WEETAHDED".
- Window Licker: Have been known to trip while sitting down.
- Loid: This one comes with the approval of special folks and their handlers. No, really. Please use it as often as possible, just to make them happy. Remember, every time you employ loid as a term of abuse, a retarded pixie is born.
- Fattard: A fat retard
- Special olympics: Olympics for retards.
- And the biggest retards of all, people who don't sign their posts on wikis.
- Cian Mcgee
- Mongoloid, or simply "'Loid"
- Shit For Brains
- Flapper (in reference to the way retards flap their hands around when running)
- Special Ed
- Robert Downey Syndrome
- Potato Jr.
- Syndrome of a Down
- Mental insufficiency
- Intellectual insufficiency
- Retart (a retarded DevianTARTlet)
- Down's Syndrome
- Hard of Thinking
- Mouth Breather
- Helmet Hero
After all of this, you may find yourself wondering "Which one is the worst?" However, there is one more type of tard that has been hidden from us by the higher ups, The Internet Cool Guy. This being infiltrates even the most holy of websites with its vile and false "harcoreness". Avoid at all costs.
"Going Full Retard"
“Going Full Retard” is a phrase stolen from a jew movie. The original scripted line was
- “Everybody knows you never do a full retard.”
Which was unexpectedly wise advice from a nigger.
The Retard as a Half-Ape
1. Persons of under 40 IQ exhibit behavior not distinctly different from apes. That is, intellectually speaking, apes can do everything they can do.
2. The cutoff for retardation is an IQ of 70.
4. LOL, RETARDS ARE HALF-APES.
5. No wonder the Nazis put all of them to sleep. T-4!
- Asperger's Syndrome
- Autism Raid
- Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
- Heidi Crowter
- Retarded Animal Babies
- Robert Wayne Stiles
- Special Education
- The R Word
- Otto Baxter
- Monica Punk
- Stephen Hawking
- George W. Bush
- Donald Trump
- Your mom
- What retards do in their spare time
- The Tard Blog
- YTMND'd (See: Facial Expressions)
- Ask the known Michigan retard Amanda Hall how is it being a jobless shit talking bum still living in her parent's basement.
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