Robert Stainek

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Stainek has been known to send threatening, butthurt emails where he poses as his own lawyer whenever he finds out someone is speaking badly about him (which he discovers often, since he tends to Google his name daily).

Robert Stainek, a genius, self-published "author" ahead of his time.

In prison, people like them usually get shanked.


— Robert Stainek, on his critics.

Robert Stanek Stainek is a self-published "author" who makes Gloria Tesch's abuse of sock puppets look tame. Lacking the basic skillz or intelligence to write things that aren't shit, as well as having grammar that makes My Immortal look almost decent, Stainek is best known for giving himself five-star reviews on Amazon and on his own website. (See, even though he's a very well known author who has won tones of awards and whose books have been translated into several languages, his books are only available on Amazon, rather than in any real book stores, and there isn't even one fansite dedicated to him and his work.)

His known antics include giving his books hundreds of fake, favorable reviews, getting real, unfavorable reviews deleted, accusing his critics of trying to ruin his "career" out of jealousy, impersonating a lawyer, expressing hopes that his critics will get knifed in prison, claiming he's won several awards and been recommended by several magazines, posing as a fan for photographs at book signings with "other" famous authors and then claiming later he was actually signing books there as well, poorly editing said photographs in Photoshop, making Wikipedia articles for his work, editing completely unrelated Wikipedia articles to include mentions of his work, and making hundreds of sock puppet accounts on his forums and discussing his work with himself.

Early life

Growing up in America in the ghetto poor with a single mother and several brothers, Stainek often only had flour to eat. So he decided to write about the food characters in books ate, since the authors often failed to provide such useless details. He was also in the army for a while and, like most Americunts, thinks that this makes him God. He claims to have stolen stories gotten inspired from two drunk old men and blind kids. So, as you can imagine, his writing is utter shit. He is also left-handed.

Sock puppet fail

Since his writing is so shit (not to mention self-published), Stainek's books don't have many real reviews, and the few he has say he can't write at all. To rectify this, Stainek has created hundreds of sock puppet accounts on Amazon to review his work for him. Luckily, since self-published "novels" don't appear in real book stores, Stainek hasn't had to resort to dressing up like hundreds of different 12 year-old fans yet. However, given that practically the only Amazon reviews his "fans" leave are for his books, as well as the fact that the style of the fans' reviews are all identical, his sock puppet efforts were pretty wasted. Below are some of the reviews Stainek's fans have left on Amazon, as well as some other lulzy treats.

Stainek also has a forum where he has conversations with himself through his hundreds of sock puppet accounts, thus proving that this man has no life at all. Although, he his adoring fans haven't bothered actively posting in over three months. Perhaps Stainek is too busy abusing the Amazon review system and threatening his critics to keep active on his forums.

Stainek's fans also created a tribute to him on Wikipedia, which was promptly taken down due to the fact that no one has heard of him. Luckily, Stainek's fans were not only dedicated enough to create a Wikipedia page for him, they also saved the articles on their hard drives, allowing Stainek to re-upload them to his own site once Wikipedia caught on to him. It can be viewed here. Wow! What dedication!

Stainek's fans have also been known to edit entirely unrelated Wikipedia articles to include his work.


Writing fail

Robert Stainek's writing methods make Stephenie Meyer look like a genius are truly inspiring.

  • “Why, mother, why did you have to go? I have never forgiven you, never, and I never will. Calyin is wed. Valam is in the south. Midori went away, never to return. And you, you are…gone.”

Very moving dialogue.

  • Terror gripped Vilmos’ mind. Warm urine raced down his legs.


  • “You’re talking about the departure today aren’t you.”

Mr. Stainek is too good to use punctuation.

  • His skin was the color of rough leather; the face deep set with wrinkles that covered its entirety was the best indicator of his great age; hair long and black with whispers of gray neither accented not subtracted from his appearance of age and wisdom.

Mr. Stainek's vivid, well-worded descriptions make authors like Jane Austin look like dyslexic 5 year-olds!

  • Their blades clashed with the enemy, and drew crimson blood.

Mr. Stainek is too awesome to use simple words like "red."

  • There was a distinctive quality to the spoken speech that was consciously inaudible to all save cautioned ears, this was the power of Voice, and Xith played upon its dominion with the touch of a maestro’s hand.


  • Vilmos’ mind was teaming with questions.

It should be "teeming," not "teaming." Only losers use proofreaders!

Photoshop fail

In order to try convince people that he's a famous author with millions of fans, Stainek is known to pose as a fan in photographs with actual authors, then claim later he and said authors were at a joint book signing together. He claims to be close friends with the authors he poses with. However, one of these authors has stated that he has no idea who Stainek is and that Stainek didn't even know his real name. In another instance, Stainek had to expertly edit a picture he got taken, since there was trash sitting on the table in front of him rather than his own books (wait... How is that any different?), which would suggest he was merely posing as a fan and not signing anything himself. Sadly, Stainek sucks at Photoshopping just as much as he sucks at writing, so his efforts turned out to be useless.

Law fail

In May and August of 2002, some guy wrote a couple of articles about Robert Stainek, expressing concerns and implying that Robert Stainek abused the Amazon review system through use of sock puppets. Three years later, Stainek's lawyer sent an email (through Hotmail) threatening legal action. The email was signed Timothy Donaldson, a graduate of George Washington University School of Law. Unfortunately for Stainek, when someone contacted said school, they were informed that no such person ever graduated from the university.

Furthermore, a quick google search will reveal that there is such a person as Timothy Donaldson who lives in Washington. Obviously Stainek impersonated a real lawyer so that, should Timothy Donaldson be googled, he would appear legitimite enough to scare the article's author. Email this information to the real Timothy Donaldson so he can sue Stainek for identity theft for great justice!


External links

Robert Stainek
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