Ryan Hawe

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Ryan Hawe is a Canadian, part-time fetishist and a well-known member of Transformers fandom. One of the most well-known instances of Transformers drama fandom drama involved him and the girlfriend he had at the time. It is unclear how he managed to hook up with her in the first place, but experts theorize it involved a shot of tequila mixed with a pinch of delicious powder. He brought her into Transformer fandom, where she ventured beyond the boundaries of the kitchen, and became famous especially on USENET and IRC. When it became clear that Ryan's demands of Optimus Prime fucking Bumblebee in a gimp suit was too fucking much - to the point where he went as far as fapping over slash fiction one too many times, she left him for another Transfan from IRC. This resulted in a tidal wave of delicious man-milk left in the wake of her departure.

The story goes that Ryan began stalking her across the Internets, mentioning her in every USENET post he made for the next 5 years, hijacking her fan character, and even retaining a lawyer to find out what his legal rights to the character were. When he subsequently discovered that his character had in fact violated multiple copyright laws, he promptly ditched the case. It is a known fact that this particular incident allegedly resulted in his permanent addition of wearing a tinfoil hat indoors. Furthermore, it is said that in a fit of rage, Hawe bent over a framed portrait of his former lover and shoved it into his anus so that upon shitting it out again the brown stain would represent the presence of his ex's new black person. Going as far as to call the Waaaambulance on fictional threats, Ryan slyly threatened his life in a variety of ways. Because nobody likes niggers this was believed to have drawn in successful results.

The real story, eventually uncovered after going through IRC archives by the RSN Intelligence Branch, is that all parties were the hapless victims of new boyfriend's buddies lurking on IRC. All the psychotic rants allegedly from Hawe, and half of the threats directed against him, derived from IP addresses which can ultimately be traced to the Ministry of Attorney-General. Unfortunately the Ministry has also concluded that the ex-girlfriend, having been brutalized by the sheer size of her new boyfriend's cock is behind all the drama. It clearly shows that, knowing her place, she longs for the touch of his belt - because Ryan Hawe likes a mark on his women, like every Gorean motherfucker out there.

Where Are They Now?

TLDR; Nobody gives a shit but since you're down here, nosy fuckers that you are, the author continues his account of this entertaining autobiography.

In general, Hawe is considered to be a respectful citizen and contributes much to society. Though as of the current revision of this article, Hawe has left no opinion/comment regarding the defamation of his character - due to spending "special" time with junior Transformers fans - it is widely believed he has temporarily ceased his cyberstalking. It is, however, believed that his mullet resides in a glass jar along with his collection of 20+ year old Transformers dolls.

As for the woman in question, Amy, it is unclear where she is at the moment but experts also theorize that the Ministry has since deported her to Alberta, where all the Canadian equivalent of niggers reside. Driven by both the lustful need for both giant dicks and a justified beating every five minutes of her life, she has quit IRC and USENET to fuel her needs on the streets.

After being sent to prison, the new boyfriend used a good dose of mouthwash. One less black person to worry about.

The HooperX Legacy: Return of the Mullet Man

HooperX, a fellow black person of new boyfriend (theorized to have been a second crazy Amy stalker), upon realizing that an abusive pussy was within reaching distance has birthed the article regarding Ryan Hawe. Batshit insane with tastes beyond normal comprehension, HooperX has since been following the saga of Ryan Hawe and the Kitchen Escapee for the past decade. Unwilling to abandon his crusade for the now aging vagina, HooperX has continued to spread further disinformation while fearing the non-existent Ministry or whatever the fuck it was called. Regardless of what goes on in his mind, HooperX is the current Mullet Stalker. His identity revealed, Amy has fled into a nunnery in hopes of escaping the Transformers legacy.

TLDR; HooperX is a black person. Too.

Now you know.


An archived post made by Ryan upon LEAVING USENET FOREVAR!!!11 (And in a spectacular reversal of such things, he actually did.)

Ryan Hawe is part of a series on Usenet. [CollapseExpand]
Ryan Hawe
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Soviet Canuckistan
Fuck it's cold, eh?

Amanda ToddAvril LavigneBrandon CrispCheddar-CheesiaChris ForcandColin MochrieChuggoDorian_GayDouglas SpinkEvalionFergie OlverJawsusJdsonicJustin BieberJustin TrudeauKimveer GillLuka MagnottaMarc LepineMatthew de GroodLosttrapRob FordRyan HaweSharlene SimonWilliam Shatner