Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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The Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre was the most epic school shooting since Virginia Tech and Columbine. It happened near the end of 2012, as an aspie named Adam Lanza managed to kill 26 people after pwning his mom and heading out to his former school. Knowing he was soon to be raped by the cops, he bitched out and committed suicide. Since then, he is remembered as an hero for his hard work to achieve a high score in a game IRL at his former school.
It's December 14th, 2012 at Sandy Hook Elementary School, and a messy-haired youth is drooling and making a glitter-covered seasonal card for mommy. His teacher walks past and ruffles the innocent tike's hair as he adds another piece of dried macaroni while he dreams about meeting Santa Claus. Suddenly, the child's face is blown off and his brains splatter across his Christmas card, adding the finishing touch.
The person holding the smoking Bushmaster XM-15 rifle was Adam Peter Lanza, a 20-year-old aspie who saw that mass killings were the brave thing to do and decided to show he has the balls. Unlike other school shooters, he shot a bunch of little kids who were too fucking retarded to know what 1 plus 1 is. Adam Lanza began his attempt at the high score by blasting his mother in half, probably because she just couldn't understand him as she wanted to send him to a psychiatrist because she didn't have the spine to handle him. He deleted all of his Taylor Swift porn by pulling an AGK and smashing the fuck out of his computer. Lanza then went on to merrily murder a further twenty ugly and retarded children, and six boring teachers. He then shoved his pistol in his own mouth and became an hero just as the puh-leez rolled up, and is currently partying in hell with Eric Harris, Dylan Klebold, Ted Bundy, Tamerlan Tsarnaev, John Paul II, Hitler, Cho Seung-Hui and Satan.
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|Kill count:||27/20 (7 Extra kills)|
|Butthurt:||20/20 Beat Columbine, ruined Christmas for everyone, and created new generations of copycats, hoaxers, and conspiracy theorists|
Killed Only Women and Children
|Total score: 100/100 (A+)|
|See: Adam Lanza|
At first the brilliant Sherlocks shuffling around the media pinned the blame on one Ryan Lanza, plastering his Facebook profile picture everywhere they could, adamantly claiming he was the kiddy-killer. Unfortunately it turned out that Ryan is actually just Adam's brother, oops. Naturally, Ryan was a little peeved, and may have to leave the country in fear of a horrific mob beating by butthurt people who are sensitive and easily toss an angry bitch-fit.
The real culprit was of course Adam Lanza, an asperger-riddled seething hero who was described by classmates as always very nervous and socially awkward. Before the shooting, Lanza destroyed his computer's hard drive before murdering his mom and running away from home to murder half-a-school, probably because he didn't want the police to find all of the gratuitous CP, Gaylor Shit songs, and Anders Behring Breivik/James Holmes slash fiction stored on there.
Once it was discovered that this mass murder of many KEEYYY-YOOOUUUUU-TEEEEE children had happened not in Pakistan to a bunch of dirty and poor brown people, but in fact to middle-class crackers, everybody collectively shat their pants. The media spurted hours and hours on end of this kindergarten kerfuffle into the eye-sockets of anyone who switched on their television sets. Naturally a good old fashioned game of what is to blame came up. People used the sadness and horror as a soap-box to scream out views on tighter gun control and violent video games. Fingers were pointed in all directions, and a basic fact finally unfolded into the tiny minds of people all across the country; all people with autism are ticking time bombs and must be euthanized for the safety and well-being of the public.
Westboro Baptist Church
America's favorite church, the Kansas Westboro Baptist Church, announced that they were going to picket the funerals of the infants pwned by Adam Lanza, as they believe it to have been 'God's will' because he is punishing Connecticut for gay marriage. Which is a valid reason, all of these closet first graders getting married is really quite fucked up. A bunch of christfags came jogging with their diarrhea-smeared shoes to the church and began their prayer to the gun-fucked children.
Anonymous, being the moralfags that they are, released private intel relating to the WBC church, including telephone numbers and addresses. They also persistently buttfucked their webservers. Dox can be found here.
—What some fag wrote on their DDOS-friendly website
On December 21, 2012, the NRA responded to the shootings by blaming gun-free school zone signs, because they advertise that there are no guns allowed on school campuses, and therefore are responsible for the shooting. In addition to blaming these "gun and drug-free zones", the NRA also went the route of the christfags by blaming video games, the media, movies, Hurricane Sandy, music videos, and basically everything except guns, and said that the solution is to have an armed security guard in every school in the country. This is, of course, assuming that any potential school shooter will be too stupid to shoot the security guard from a distance and proceed to shoot up the school anyways.
Watch Obama "weep" during his speech after the school massacre, even though US military forces have killed many more people in the Middle East. In fact, Obama has personally overseen and/or participated in OVER 9,000 separate school shootings in Iraq alone.
Mass Effect 3
Due to the fact that Lanza liked the Mass Effect video game on his Facebook page, inbred mouth-breathers across the interwebs immediately flocked to the official Faebook page and slathered their misplaced anger all over it. Which is perfectly reasonable, as Mass Effect's role-playing sci-fi fantasy is clearly just a façade for a real-life violence simulator that is currently training thousands of nerds across the globe to grab a gun and mindlessly mow down as many children they physically can. Now that the angry mob of the internet has pinned down the culprits as aspies and Mass Effect gamers, the entire board of /v/ is now quaking in its collective boots.
Adam's Obsession with Taylor Swift
After piecing together Lanza's shattered hard drive, the FBI has uncovered new evidence with regard to his motivations...
—Interestingly, Red would also be the color of the children's blood that was splattered all over the classrooms of Sandy Hook Elementary, after Lanza had his emo-tantrum.
Lanza, who shot his mother Nancy dead before embarking on his rampage, had never dated a girl and rarely even spoke to a member of the opposite sex. He spent hours in the basement of his Connecticut home playing violent video games and reading articles about Taylor.
The source added: "He was thrilled when he discovered she had been involved in making a game called Band Hero and would pretend to play along with her. He wrote in a chat room post that he loved her three songs on the game – Love Story, Picture To Burn and You Belong With Me – and said he found them to be 'soothing'. Aside from his endless passion for brutal war games, he seemed totally fixated on Miss Swift, almost as if she was a source of comfort in his life. But his posts only mentioned Harry once. Quite what he expected or hoped for as a result of this obsession we'll never know but the search of his computer has yielded nothing to suggest he intended her or her boyfriend harm."
A friend of Harry's last night said the One Direction singer was 'creeped out' by the thought new love Taylor was the focus of the killer. A spokesman for Taylor in LA refused to comment but a friend of hers said: "Like Harry, her skin is crawling at the thought of this evil man holding her up as his icon."
Why did Adam Lanza snap?
The common accusation of why Adam snapped is that everyone thought he was a rubber-necked, autistic dumbshit that should have been turned into scrambled, meaty chunks in the womb. Some, however, believe there were less sinister implications. Given the wholesale slaughter took place days before the Mayan's predicted "end of the world", it has been suspected that Adam Lanza was acting out of good, not evil. To save the world from Mayan Armageddon, he bravely took it upon himself to offer a suitable sacrifice to the mexiniggers of fate. Rather than treat Adam Lanza like a monster, he could be hailed as an hero, as it is possible he saved the human race from total obliteration. Planet Earth still exists, and it's quite possible we have brave Adam Lanza to thank for that.
Look, if you had one shot, or one clip To kill all the children you ever wanted in one moment Would you capture it or just let it slip? Yo His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy There's blood on the threads he's dressed in, mom's intestines, He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs, But he keeps on forgetting what he wrote down, The whole crowd goes so loud He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out He's choking how, everybody's dropping now The school clock's run out, time's up over, bow! Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity Oh, there goes the kid, he choked He's so mad, but he won't give up that Easy, no He won't have it, he knows his whole back's to these ropes It don't matter, his assburgers He knows that but he's played Mass Effect 3 He's so stagnant, he knows When he goes back to his elementary school, that's when it's Back to the magazines again, yo This whole rhapsody He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him
You better lose yourself in the shooting, the moment You own it, you better never let those kids go You only get one shot, do not miss those kids This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo You better lose yourself in the shooting, the moment You own it, you better never let those kids go You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo
Their soul's escaping, through their bullet holes that is gaping This school is mine for the taking Make me king, as we move toward a new high score A assburger life is boring, but An Hero's close to post mortem It only grows harder, the kids go faster He blows his clips all over these kids is all on him Coast to coast shootings, he's known as the globetrotter Lonely schools, God only knows He's grown farther from home, he has assburgers He goes home and barely knows his own mother But hold your nose 'cause here goes the blood-water The kids don't want him no more, he's an AR-15 They moved on to the next schmoe who shoots He nose dove and got 20 So the killing spree is told and unfolds I suppose it's old partner but the shooting goes on Boom boom boom boom reload boom boom boom
No more Mass Effect 3, I'ma change what you call elementary school Tear this motherfucking roof off like Seung-Hui Cho I was barely aiming in the beginning, the kids all changed I've been chewed up and spit out and booed off campus But I kept shooting and killed right into the next records Best believe somebody's looking on my hard-drive All the pain inside amplified by the fact That I can't get by just my 26 kills And I can't provide the right type of killing for my own mother Cause man, these goddamn teachers don't get me the highscore And it's no movie, there's no James Holmes, this is my life And aiming is so hard, and it's getting even harder Trying to shoot and leave my seed on these kids, plus Teeter totter caught up between being a assburger and a mass shooter Kid's mama drama's screaming on and Too much for me to wanna Stay in one class room, another day of monotony Has gotten me to the point, I'm like a snail I've got to formulate a plot or I end up in jail or shot Killing myself is my only motherfucking option, failure's not Mom, I love you, your head's got to go I cannot grow old in Sandy Hook's lot So here I go it's my shot. Aim fail me not, this may be the only opportunity that I got
How Adam Lanza Stole Christmas
Every Kid down in Newtown liked Christmas a lot. But Adam Lanza, up on Mount Lanza, did NOT. Lanza hated Christmas! The whole christmas season! Now please don't ask why. No-one knows quite the reason. It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right. It could be his mother had found him a fright. But I think that the most likely reason of all Was that his heart was two sizes too small. But, Whatever the reason, His heart or his mother, He stood there on the thirteenth, hating the others. Staring down from his cave, with a sour, Lanza frown, At the lighted school windows below in their town. For he knew every Kid down in Newtown beneath Was busy hanging a craft-paper wreath. "And they're hanging their pictures!" he snarled with a sneer. "And soon will be Christmas! It's practically here!" Then he growled, with his Lanza fingers nervously drumming, "I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!" For tomorrow, he knew... All the kids of the school Would arrive bright and early. Then they'd all say their names! And then! Oh the games! Oh, the games! Oh, the games, games, games, games! That's one thing one thing he hated! THE GAMES! GAMES! GAMES! GAMES! And then the kids, young and younger, would sit down for a lesson. And they'd learn, and they'd laugh! And they'd laugh! They'd LAUGH! LAUGH! LAUGH! LAUGH! They would be all so happy, which he thought was all chaff, And the whole school was happy -- even the staff! And THEN They'd do something he liked least of all. Every kid down in Newtown, the tall and the small, Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing. They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the kids would start singing! They'd sing! And they'd sing! AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING! And the more Adam thought of the Kid-Christmas-Sing The more Lanza thought, "I must stop this whole thing! "Why for twenty-odd years I've put up with it now! I MUST stop Christmas from coming! ...But HOW?" Then he got an idea. An awful idea! ADAM LANZA GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! "I know just what to do!" And he laughed in his throat. And he made a quick bullet-proof hat and coat. And he chuckled, and laughed, "What a great Lanza trick! "With this coat and this hat, I'm as soft as a brick!" "All I need is a weapon..." The Grinch looked around. And his mother had guns -- there were three to be found. Did that make Lanza pause...? No! The man simply said, "If I can't have friends, I'll shoot children dead!" So he grabbed a big rifle. Then he grabbed the Sig Sauer. And he grabbed the Glock, and felt full of power. THEN He loaded the guns And he said "here's some fun, For a bright school chid." He stepped into the sun. (And hissed. He did not like sunlight.) Then he said, "Here I go!" And he turned his deep frown Toward the school where the kids Laughed and played in Newtown. And the school unaware, in the sunlight sat there, (*hiss!*) All the kids were learning new things without care When he came to the school -- when he made his plans bare. "This is the place," the young Lanza grinch hissed, "And I've got all the kiddies on my hit list!" Then he went to the door. No-one knows quite how Lanza got in without raising a hell of a row. Wasn't stopped even once, was young Adam Lanza. He got in just like that, just as easy as Santa. And he saw the young children all sitting in rows And he said, "No, The office is the first one to go!" Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant, To the office, and he shot them like you would a pheasant! Principal! Therapist! Hochsprung altered his whim By turning on the P.A. -- then she fell down before him! (Saved the school, she did.) And he left the staff bleeding. Then the man, very grimly, Moved to find all the children, to kill them all singly, (All by himself, he was. Unless you count the three guns.) Then he slunk through the halls. He searched for the kids! He wanted a long memory of what he did! He found the smallest kids, quick as a flash, Why, that Lanza burst into that room with a crash, Then he shot up the whole room of children, with glee! "And NOW," Said the Lanza, "They'll remember me!" Lanza left the room then, and he started to think Of what would happen to him in the clink. Likely as not they would spill his drink. More than likely they'd do things that -- then he blinked. Lanza'd been caught in his own plans for slaughter. He'd gone here to shoot all the sons and daughters. And one stared at Lanza and said, "Stranger, why? Why are you killing us all like flies? WHY?" But you know, that old Lanza was so smart and so slick, He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick! "Why my sweet little tot," the big stranger lied, "it's these video games that twist me inside. So I'm playing my game in the real world, you see, I'm dulled to the pain -- as crazy can be -- And his fib didn't work. So he sent her to bed Along with the score of children now dead. And then Adam Lanza, he thought of his fate And the thought of it quickly filled him with hate. Then the last thing he did after shooting the kids was laugh -- no-one knew why he did what he did. In his lair was one clue to his fame-grabbing bid. And the one little clue he left to his deed was that he was quiet, and smart, and he'd read, and this little clue does naught but mislead. Then He did the same thing To another classroom Leaving blood All over the impromptu tomb. It was almost past time To be going, to flee To get out of here and remain scott-free. So he took his Sig Sauer! His mother's own gun! And he raised it and saw it in the sun! (*hiss!*) Three thousand feet up into the sky would the parents, and brothers and daughters cry! "Pooh-pooh to old Newtown!" He was Lanz-ishly humming. "They're finding out what sort of Christmas is coming! They're just finding out! Then I know what they'll do! Their mouths will hang open for a minute or two Then all the folks here in Newtown will all cry BOO-HOO!" "That's a noise," grinned Lanza, "That I will not hear. Sure as shooting, I won't be seeing next year. Nor next month, nor next week, nor next day, nor next hour; For in prison the cell mates, oh, they'd take me and scour All the walls, and the floors, and then they'd hang me for an hour!" And the gun in his hand! Why, it seemed so merry! It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY! He stared at his Sauer! Lanza popped his eyes! Then he shook! What he planned was, to him, now a surprise! Every Kid in the school, he'd planned to kill dead! Never wondering if he was right in the head! He HADN'T gained fame and glory and story! He HADN'T! He'd just gone and done something all too gory! And Lanza, with his blood ice-cold in his chest, Stood puzzling, and wondering which course was best. "Should I shoot," said the man, "to make them ask how such a quiet young man could raise such a row? Or because I feel pain, so much guilt for my spree, I'd rather save them the job of killing me? Either way, I'm history." And what happened then...? Well...in Newtown, they say, Adam Lanza's heart broke three times that day. And soon after he knew his head wasn't right he took his Sig Sauer, raised it into the light, and he bowed down his head! And again he cried! Then he... ...HE HIMSELF!... Adam Lanza shot him down, and he died!
Recently after the shooting, a guy named Jacob Dean Douglas, who had Twitter, Facebook and Instagram accounts, saw that the situation was a ticking lulz bomb. So, he made a sockpuppet account called Blastinkids to impersonate Adam Lanza on Twitter. This guy posted tweets and successfully pwnt a bunch of Christfags, retarded teens in high school, and others when he used the account. So many people got butthurt, so they all blocked him and started reporting him to the police. Even some Twitter-loving newsman made an asshurt article about this referring to Jacob as a "sicko", and others were trying to dox whoever was behind the account. First they were retarded enough to think it was some 77-year-old hag until they realized it was Jacob Douglas. Then, a bunch of stalkers put up his address, house image and its inside images, accounts online (all of them), and more even including his cell phone number. So then this one Twitter user tried to text Jacob but was so blind and mind-fucked that he typed the number incorrectly. So then the internet declared war on the account. Jacob was suspended from his account Blastinkids and even his normal accounts online. Then the party van came to his house and raped him. Jacob became a successful troll, mostly because he forgot to cover his tracks before trolling to avoid getting dox'd by a bunch of stalkers and offended ones. Apparently not just all the retards in town but even the government can't accept freedom of speech.
These jokes are about as old as the Sandy Hook kids wish they could be.
- If you got a fatal gunshot wound then clap your hands. -clap- -clap- If you got a fatal gunshot wound then clap your hands. -clap -clap- If you got a gunshot in your whore face and you're bleeding and and dying in pain and getting shot much more then clap your hands. -clap- -clap-
- ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG! BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG! BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!
- The bullets in your guts go BANG BANG BANG! BANG BANG BANG! BANG BANG BANG! The bullets in your stomach go BANG BANG BANG. The bullets in your stomach go BANG!
- What do you call a 1st grader who doesn't have any friends anymore? A Sandy Hook survivor.
- What is more painful than a rusty nail? A sandy hook.
- Too bad those kids didn't know how to read or write. Adam Lanza filled them so full of lead that their classmates could have used them as pencils.
- They wanted books, all they got were magazines.
- Every person that has ever been killed was once a little kid. They use to run and play and laugh. They use to be young and have the innocence of youth........unless they went to Sandy Hook.
- I guess the mothers forgot to pack the kids juggernaut packages before they went to school....oh well..at least if they had their last stand perks they could have thrown chalks like sticks of dynamite.
- My favorite sex move is the Sandy Hook: I shoot 20 kids inside of you.
- What do you call a criminal from the Connecticut area? A sandy crook.
- I don't get these Sandy Hook jokes. I guess they're aimed at a younger audience.
- We're all probably going to hell for laughing at these jokes LOL. If God's tolerance policy for violence is like most school's, we can say "hi" to the kids there! It didn't happen anyways so it's all good.
- What do Sandy Hook jokes and Sandy hook victims have in common? They never get old.
- I wonder what the last thing going through their mind was... Their skulls!
- I hope their parents saved the receipts for all those Christmas presents.
- The best thing about Sandy Hook jokes is that you can recycle them at the next school shooting.
- Those kids must have learned something very important that day because by the end of class their minds were blown
- Did you see the article about the Sandy Hook survivors in the news? Neither did I, all I could find were obituaries.
- Sandy hook was funny
Like any event with high casualties, the basement-dwellers came out droves after to spout several conspiracy theories after the shooting. Most of these conspiracy theories were spawned due to inconsistencies in the intial reports, and some of these fucktards believe that the entire event was staged in order to strengthen stronger gun control laws.
Several videos popped up on YouTube picking apart every bit of the "official story" so the video makers could put in their own asinine theories. Some people believe that the parents of the children are all "crisis actors" because they apparently didn't cry hard enough when they were on the news, and one of the parents even laughed before an interview! Therefore they are all actors and the children may never have existed at all! Which would quite literally mean the ENTIRE town, with a population of over 27,000, would have to be in on the cover-up. Other theories include that there was more than one shooter, and that there is no way an autistic guy could shoot 26 people and leave no survivors. What the theorists fail to realize is that Adam Lanza was molded to be a killing machine by his bitch mother who took him target shooting throughout his entire childhood, and that every person Adam Lanza shot, he shot multiple times. Also, there were 2 people who were injured in the shooting.
Theorists who question the children even existing do so because no official shots of the dead children for them to jack off to were released to the general public. Some believe one of the girls who was "supposedly shot" was seen sitting on the lap of Barack Obama a few days later. It actually turned out to be her sister. Because if the president was trying to create a big government cover-up, the 1st thing he'd do would be to flaunt the supposedly dead children in front of the public.
The theorists behind the conspiracies call themselves "Operation: Terror", and most of them are also the totally reasonable people behind the 9/11 and Oklahoma Bombing conspiracies. If you believe these theories, you should take advice from Adam Lanza and an hero immediately. If you come across any of these nutjobs, do not try to reason with them, because they do not have the mental compacity to comprehend facts. They are people who automatically think inconsistency means conspiracy, and will find holes anywhere they can, and actually believe their YouTube videos mean something. It's best to leave these people alone in their basements so they can plan out how they're going to stop the government from taking their guns.
How to Troll People Who Pity the Victims
Any of these things can make a shitload of bitch-fits get tossed by the media and people!
- Say that those kids deserved to die
- Just like Jacob Dean Douglas, make a sockpuppet account of Adam Lanza
- Make a Facebook page calling Adam a hero or something that supports the massacre
- Make jokes about the massacre
- Say that you pity Adam Lanza just as much as the victims
- Tell them that the shooting was funny
- Say that there's a difference between cowardly and evil
- Say that the shooting was a conspiracy
- Notify them how not all the victims were Christians
- Correct them that not all the victims were Christians
- Call them a christfag/christwhore
- Tell them Obama killed them all to control guns
- Tell them the shooting never really happened and they're all being fooled
- Say that the victims were ugly-looking
- Make joke memes online about the shooting
After 4 years in hell, Adam was able to collect enough energy to influence the earth again. He a 14 year old boy named Jesse Osborne, and used this puppet to conduct a school shooting at a local elementary, after murdering the boy's father.
|About missing Pics|
- Adam Lanza - the hero responsible
- The Slaying of Sandy Hook Elementary School - Video game version
- Sandy Hook Promise
- Columbine - half the frags, twice the fags.
- Virginia Tech Massacre
- Hell - where Adam is
- God hates fags
- Gun control - what wont happen >:)
- Jews - The true masterminds behind this.
- Video games
- Conspiracy theory
- Indigo Children
- Kesha - The shitty pop-star whose song commanded Adam Lanza to kill.
- The event story
- Comedians set their own show about Sandy Hook
- Informative third-party research blog
- Sandy Hook Lighthouse- investigation solely of Adam
Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre is part of a series on Education
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