Satan Claus

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You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: Satan Claus is gunning you down. He's making a list, and checking it twice; Gonna find out who's naughty and nice. Satan Claus will burn your house down.
 

 
 

—Traditional Americunt Xmas song

Temperatures were in the 30ºs.
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Authorities remove unopened Xmas gifts from the house.
What Mr. Pardo resembled before the shooting.
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An hero to us all.

Twas the night before Christmas 2008, when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; the stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that Santa soon would be there; The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugar-plums hollow point bullets danced in their heads.

Santa Tony Stark Claus, howevar, had different ideas. Claus, aka Bruce Jeffrey Pardo, was a merry old man who gave Americunts something they had been missing all year; a massacre. Unlike past years, when America celebrated in style, 2008 had been relatively corpse free (except for bankers and real estate agents who jumped from windows after W accidentally the whole economy). Mr. Claus -a devout Christfag- usually volunteered to serve as an usher at his helLA church's Midnight Mass during the festering season, but this year, he volunteered to shoot an 8-year-old- girl in the face.

It was family tradition that every year a neighbor would dress like Santa Claus, knock on the front door and disperse presents. Clad in his traditional red and white raidfag suit, he then went on to spread tidings of comfort and joy to the packed Christmas party at his mother-in-law's house like some kind of deranged MacGyver, opting out of the usual commercialism of Christmas shopping in favor of making his own gifts; like the home-made flamethrower covered in glittery wrapping paper he brought along .

Contents

Naughty or Nice?

   
 
It's just not something we see here at any time of the year -- especially during Christmas.
 

 
 

—Covina police Lieutenant Pat Buchanan

Santa (sɑːt ʊˈn) opened fire as he entered the house, first shooting an 8-year-old girl who answered the door in the face with one of his five semi-automatic pistols. He then managed to pwn nine people and wound several more, including his 16-year-old fat and sassy stepdaughter (who he shot in the back), his in-laws and most of their family before burning the house down with Napalm on a chilly Christmas Eve in Southern California.


   
 
There's some information that he stood over them and shot them execution-style.
 

 
 

—Covina PD

However, the Xmas Eve merrymaking came to an abrupt end when Santa burned both of his arms to a crisp during his indoor firework display. He actually managed to melt and fuse the Santa costume to his flesh. At this point, he abandoned Plan A - which was taking the first sleigh out of town to the North Pole with $17,000 he'd made by manwhoring that he would've duct taped to his ample waistline - and went to Plan B - driving 40 miles with 3rd degree burns to his brother's house, breaking in, and becoming an hero by a single shot to the head. At least he didn't miss.

The Motives

The former aerospace engineer had no criminal record and nothing in his personal history to suggest a predisposition to pwnage. Unless you count the retarded kid nobody knew about, that he'd abandoned as a boy, but was still claiming as a dependent on his income taxes, that is. It appears that this amiable, upstanding Christian pillar of the community had deserted his former g/f with their son, who'd sustained debilitating brain damage as a toddler when he fell in the pool whilst dad was watching football on TV instead of watching him bob for apples. Oh, and when his wife found this out, that's why she divorced him.

They finalized their divorce on December 18th and she got $10,000 a week in alimoney, her wedding ring, and -most devastating- getting Pardo's beloved dog curtains. Pardo only got the house, which he had to make payments on. Oh and speaking of paying alimoney and mortgage, Pardo had been unemployed since July when he was fired without severance and was ineligible for unemployment benefits. When December came, he was around $900,000 in debt and that's the legal system. Pardo also complained in a court declaration that Sylvia Pardo was living with her parents, not paying rent, and had spent lavishly on a luxury car, gambling trips to Las Vegas, meals at fine restaurants, massages and golf lessons.

When asked to comment, eHarmony issued a statement: "Shit happens."


   
 
He was just the nicest guy. He always had a smile. It's a shock. A shock for anybody who knew him at the church.
 

 
 

—Jan Detanna, fellow usher at the Holy Redeemer Catholic Church

The Aftermath

   
 
How dare he shoot jailbait and loli without rape, its just not done.
 

 
 

—/b/tard

There were 25 guests at the party and nine had been unaccounted for immediately after the shooting. The Los Angeles County coroner's office said that some of the bodies were so badly charred from dying in the fire, that dental records would have to be used to dox them. Along with his nine confirmed kills, Santa left a bunch of orphans in his wake after pwning most of his wife's family during his rounds.


   
 
The entire family was wiped out. There's basically, like, 16 orphans.
 

 
 

—Wife's lawyer

Last Thursday, a rented car parked outside the property was discovered to be loaded with 300 rounds of ammunition and a pipe bomb that had been nigrigged to take out first responders. The car was blown to hell after bomb disposal experts moved in and discovered the trip-wires.


   
 
I heard he had two guns. We need the stats on the guns, ammo and kill ratio to consider Santa Pardo for legendary pwnage status.
 

 
 

/b/

But ol' Satan Nick's story reached beyond just the internets. The Jews running Hollywood were apparently so moved by this tragedy, that they dedicated several films to the memory of Mr. Pardo.

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The incident as told by Weird Al

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Aaron AlexisAbdul Razak Ali ArtanAdam LanzaAlex HribalAli David SonbolyAnders Behring BreivikBaruch GoldsteinBruce Jeffrey PardoCasey AnthonyCho Seung-HuiChris Harper-Mercer Daniel PetricDmitry VinogradovDylann Storm RoofElliot RodgerAmanda KnoxGeorge SodiniGerry McCannJared Lee LoughnerJason RodriguezJeff WeiseJiverly VoongJoe StackJosef FritzlKimveer GillKip KinkelLindsay Kantha SouvannarathLogan ClarkMalik Nadal HasanMarc LepineMark EssexMartin BryantMatthew MurrayMatthew de GroodMatti SaariMaurice ClemmonsMichael CarnealMichael RyanMichael WoodmanseeMutsuo ToiPekka-Eric AuvinenRaoul MoatRobert BalesRobert HawkinsRobert SteinhäuserSebastian BosseTJ LaneTim KretschmerTyler PetersonTheodore "The Unabomber" KaczynskiVester Lee "Bryce Williams" Flanagan IIWade Michael PageZac Penton

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Charles MansonChris BenoitHitlerMao ZedongJack the RipperJames HolmesRichard "The Iceman" KuklinskiTed BundyJeffrey Dahmer

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Al-QaedaDzhokar TsarnaevOmar MateenSanta ClausTamerlan TsarnaevOsama Bin LadenEric Harris and Dylan Klebold

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