Scooter

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The smartest Facebookers arguing about how totally awesome their two wheeled slabs of metal are. Look, one of them even used that funny Nek Minnit meme! What a troll!

Obviously, one of the coolest, most stylish modes of transport for 13 year old boys whose manly-hood is blooming and are too timid to commit to a motorcycle. They are essentially bicycles with a lawnmower engine strapped to the frame, a design which is the paragon of efficiency, safety, and style. The scooter, in all of it's forms, is a universally acknowledged indicator of a man with nothing to lose.

Types

A woman hiding her precious scooter the only place she can reach.
How cool you could look on one of these awesome motherfuckers

Remember, there are a few completely different types of scooters;

Kick scooters (the coolest by far)

Kick scooters are a sure sign of a child who asked for a skateboard for Christmas. They include the Razor scooter of your youth, as well as it's many Chinese clones. They are the Mac of the scooter world, flimsy, underpowered, and overpriced. Should you see a child riding one on a drive through your neighborhood, immediately park your car, run up behind said child, and shove the child to the ground, telling him to man up and buy a real vehicle.

TISM famously sang: "Ten points for a razor scooter, double if it's not a kid." [1]

Motor scooters (or Vespas)

The prime means of conveyance for gooks everywhere, and, as none of them can drive, the second leading cause of their demise. They rank behind lead poisoning and right ahead of manufacturing accidents in terms of deaths caused, and judging by their abundance, the slope onlookers are apparently eager to snap pics of the carnage. As motor scooter accidents are uniformly graphic and spectacular, they are a mainstay in the library of gore posts across the internet. These pictures also call into grave question the effectiveness of motorcycle helmets.

Mobility scooters for the elderly and disabled

The exact opposite of the motor scooter, the mobility scooter is a hallmark of the decline of Western society. They are outfitted with a loud, underpowered motor, and come with the mandatory twin cupholders, suitable for sodas up to and including 64 ounces. These may be the hardest type of scooter to find in the wild, as they are often buried beneath layers of fat rolls spilling over the edges of the seat. Look for a fat person seemingly scooting around on the floor with handlebars jutting out from their crotch, and the odds are good you have located a mobility scooter. Strangely, many stores have recently been sued by Mur'ca for fraud, suggesting these scooters may not be as necessary as their numbers suggest.

Square Scooter, made for retards

Square scooters (or Wii fit on wheels)

The nightmare of your youth, these devices are floor tiles with four caster wheels mounted to the bottom. The intent was for children to grab the handles on the sides and push themselves along with their legs. The fatal flaw in the device is that holding on to the device places tiny child fingers within an inch of spinning wheels and the floor they ride on, and the only means of stopping was dragging feet on the ground, which often leads to injuries of surprising frequency and variety. But they are cheap, and they occupy children, and so can be found in most every public school.

Controversy

Fire!

Lately, many concerned parents and scientists have raised worrying questions about kick scooters, mainly that fact that some of them can cause a spontaneous combustion, these scooters are especially dangerous and therefore attract more attention from scooterers who have a taste for “danger”. Hilariously, these scooters can also be fitted with a lighter flint that emits sparks when the scooter breaks, which should have served as warning enough that the things were rolling fire hazards.

Normal Health Issues

The childish appearance and non-existent acceleration of the motor scooter lulls many into going without protective equipment while riding. This practice can worsen injuries sustained from the inevitable collisions the diminutive motor scooter will suffer. However, lacking restraint belts, airbags, collision safe seats, or passenger cage, any scooter accident will cause extensive and life threatening injuries, so a helmet may only mean the difference between a coma and outright death.

Quotes

   
 
Scooters are for the weak and exceptionally gay, learn to skate faggots.
 

 
 

—Lewis Trudgett, obviously a critic.

   
 
In general, scootering is an activity primarily favored by children aged 5 to early teens.
 

 
 

Wikipedia, in a rare moment of coherence.

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Featured article December 2nd & 3rd, 2013
Preceded by
Juggalo Holocaust
Scooter Succeeded by
Toaster Steve