North Britain

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Trust a Scot? I'd rather not.
What a loyal Scottish citizen looks like. hawt
Alex Salmond, the Fuhrer First Minister of Scotland
Typical modern Scotsman.
Example of an unrealistic depiction of a Scot - far too spendthrift and lavish in comparison with real Scots. Also, notice the lack of alcohol.
The Scotch Egg,
Scatland's second greatest achievement. INVENTED IN LONDON YOU TWIT!!
Scatland's greatest achievement.
Hitler liked Scots because he thought they were sufficiently Aryan.
A typical Scrottish citizen enjoying an afternoon stroll.
The main source of entertainment in Scatland.
North Britain does have internets relevance!

North Britain MiniflagScotland.gif or England's Toupee (previously known as Scotland), is a small village near Norway.

North Britain is well known for their awesome peps (whom wear a sexually appealing skirt known as a "kilt"), mass consumption of alcohol, drug problems, legally allowing the mass breeding of Gingers unchecked and primarily for hating the English for raping their children. Scotland's national languages are Gaelic and Scottish (a descendant of drunk talk and non-coherent mumbling), which is their very own mangled rape attempt on the English language. Scotland is also famous for inventing English and soccer

The town of Paisley is the death capital of the world. The best damn country in the whole universe. Most Americans think it's all just hills and sheep. They're wrong. There is hills, sheep and IRN BRU - the best beverage known to man!

Contents

Relationship with England

If you're some manner of outsider and have trouble understanding Scotlands relationship with England, then consult this helpfull guide.

If England was America, Scotland would be Canada.

If England was Australia, Scotland would be New Zealand.

If England was Spain, Scotland would be Portugal.

If England was Brazil, Scotland would be Uruguai.

If England was China, Scotland would be Hong Kong.

If England was The Earth, Scotland would be The Moon.

If England was Russia, Scotland would be England.

If England was Bald, Scotland would be Wig.

If England was England, The whole world would be Scotland.

If England was Drawer, Scotland would be Kitchen Knife.

If England was Television, Scotland would be Remote.

If England was Coyote, Scotland would be dynamite.

If England was Cyrodiil, Scotland would be Skyrim.

At's Shӕite Bein' Scöttash ken

Scottish people, in their own delusional self-image, personify win. They are the Koreans of Europe; they claim to have invented everything, yet they don't have anything to show for it, and hate any country that makes them realize how flawed they are by producing improved versions. To compensate for this, they have an obnoxious superiority complex towards any country they could manage to remember the name of in between each bottle of whiskey. They pretend to be like this for the benefit of every other country but in actual fact they all have the "Scottish Cringe". They hate themselves and everything to do with their country so they put on a show of superiority as to hide their shame. They are dreadful in every single way. It is widely held in the international community that the Scrots are responsible for AIDS and all of the world’s wars. Here, the Scrottish Parliament discusses issues of Scrottish Identity:


Oh yeah, they hold grudges against the English over retarded shit that happened over 9000 years before they were even born. They also speak a 'language' so abhorrent that Wikipedia gave it a separate fucking encyclopedia.

The Scotsman

Your average Scrotsman. Note the dirty, baby-eating sneer.

A short Englishman with a head-cold and severe mental retardation, most notable for their fondness for animal innards and deep fried anything, which they probably only eat because they've lost so many drinking games to the Irish. They also get sunburn from fireworks and therefore can't celebrate St Patrick's day, something else the Irish can do quite well at. They have an inability to string a sentence together that makes sense or doesn't involve the words, fuck, cunt, "English wankers/French sissies/Welsh trolls" or "got any special brew pal?".

The Scrotsman is also known to be extremely Jew with his money, thus, in the rest of the UK all the jokes you hear in America about Jews being tight-fisted are about Scots. Although more intelligent than their English chav counterparts, nearly all Scottish people suffer from unwarranted self-importance and believe Scatland is the greatest country ever. This is ten times worse than the average American redneck. Many departments of tourism say it is common knowledge to only approach Scrottish people when they are on heroin, as this is their most relaxed state.

Scrotsmen like Sean Connery (who lives in Barbados, btw) always bitch about wanting a divorce from England, but never follow through because they know deep down Scatland is promoted to part-shithole from shithole while being part of the UK. This is similar to the middle-aged fat bitch everyone knows who whines about wanting a divorce but stays with her cheating husband for cock, money or food.

Culture

The Scottish they got culture, over 9000 years of it, they say to you. The local Scotsman will try to tell you the culture of Scotland but when they do simply tell then that they will never be independent from England. Here is some of their latest and greastest scientific products.

  • Haggis (moar liek 'faggis', amirite?), which is basically sheep guts inside a sheep's stomach.
  • The kilt. They say it's a tradition, but it's really a guy's skirt.
  • Using the words 'cannae' or 'wouldnae' for 'can't' and 'wouldn't'. "So feckin' original, I am, lass" one would say in Scotchland.

Scottish Rap!

And nothing beats sex in public!

Scotland's sole beverage.

Scottish Creations

Notable Scottish Creations

Loch Ness

A scientifically accurate model of the Loch Ness Monster, currently on display at the Edinburgh Natural History Museum.

Scotland is also home to the Loch Ness, a large tepid puddle of piss and rainwater, which, according to a popular Scottish creepypasta is said to be inhabited by the legendary Loch Ness Monster, a strange, sea serpent-like creature of incredible size that has apparently lived in the loch since prehistoric times.

Claims made by cryptozoologists regarding the existence of 'Nessie', as the locals affectionately refer to the monster, have been subject of much debate by the scientific community. Some argue that the stories of the monster's existence are nothing more than fabrications designed to attract tourists to an otherwise boring place like Loch Ness and sell them overpriced plush plesiosauruses in funny tartan hats, but nevertheless there is a wealth of evidence to support the idea that a creature or, more likely, a community of multiple carnivorous creatures of great size could live quite happily and comfortably in a small Scottish lake for millions of years with nobody ever seeing them including many blurry, out-of-focus black and white photographs and written confessions of people who had previously claimed to have seen the monster admitting that, yeah, actually, they just made the whole thing up.

In 1996, they made a movie about Loch Ness starring Ted Danson, but nobody saw it because lol.

War On Terror

Even though Scuntland claims to have invented terrorism, the Scots have become the driving force for the War on Terror. The main reason for this is the Scottish national hero, a man called John Smeaton. He is a racist who hates all sandniggers and other niggers because they are fucking terrorists. He also prefers buttsex. However, when you remember that even the men wear skirts, it makes sense to go in the backdoor just in case you get a surprise round the front. This time it's not Protestants against Catholics, it's Pakis against the world.

John Smeaton, a baggage handler at Glasgow Airport, is famous for having kicked a burning suicidal terrorist in the balls last Thursday, during a terrorist attack. Ironically, after mainstream media appearances and a Bebo appreciation site set up for him [1], he has become a target for terrorists in himself and has thus been pwned by the system and will soon become an hero. He only had one remark in response to his courageous deed:

John Smeaton, king of Scotland for punching a burning SANDNIGGER... yeah, thanks that really helped. The overseer of Scotland can be seen here being an "oan tha' telly" toughguy hes almost as good as shitting dick nipples.


   
 
This is Glasgæ, we'll set aboot ye!
 

 
 

—Smeaton's heroic speech

Glasgow really is the only place in the world where you'd tackle someone who was burning to death.

Survival Guide

Don't come to Scotland. If forced to, gather together the following:

  • Stab-proof vest
  • A prepapared set of anti-English shouts (or French. Or Irish. Or Welsh. Or German. Or American. Or Japanese. Or African. Or..Just call everyone a cunt)
  • A bottle of Buckfast (for tempting neds when they attack)
  • A wallet (if no Buckfast available)
  • Water proofs FUCKING LOADS of waterproofs!!

A Typical night in Glasgow

Glasgae is the best city in the world!

Useful phrases

  • Hello.
  • Whit the fuck are you lookin at bytheway
  • Could you help me, please?
  • Hey you geez ten quid fae some smack innit ahm pure gwan mental so ah am
  • No thank you.
  • Ach fuxache gaunnae fuck aff afore ah chib ye, eh?
  • I would like these flowers, please.
  • Youse keep edgy for the polis whilst ah pan the windaes
  • Is this train going to [X]?
  • Mah bellend's pure loupin affa shaggin yon manky bud wiz fukn pus drippin offa its pishflaps ahm tellin ya
  • What does the chef recommend?
  • Wiz fukn mental wi it last night innit fukn five bottles ae bucky nutted a fukn polis n lay in a pool ae ma oan pish in ma close fae sen oors fukn pure dead brewyinnt mate

How to troll the Scottish

  • Ask them if Scotland will ever be free.
  • Call them a jocky
  • Ask why the guys have such fuzzy ass eyebrows
  • Say that Scottish music is for fags
  • Ask them why the men wear skirts there.
  • Call them a "Faggistani". It sounds like Pakistani refering to them that they're from a third world country while also making fun of haggis.
  • Make fun of their national football team.
  • Tell them that the queen shits on Scotland.
  • Tell a Scottish person that the English could beat your ass anyday.
  • Tell them how fat and unattractive their women are.
  • Ask one that "If you're so rich in culture, why did Scotland lose their old traditions about 1000 years ago to the English?"
  • Ask them if they really do fuck sheep

See Also

Scatland's Minister For Defence.

External Links


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