Zach Braff Quotes

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Zach Braff is a "comedian" best known for his 7+ years playing Dr. John "J.D" Dorian on the unfunny TV shitcom, Scrubs. He is also last year's "little black dress" thanks to the pearls of wisdom that (allegedly) spew forth from his lips.

Zach Braff Quotes

An Internet phenomenon akin to Chuck Norris jokes, Zach Braff Quotes is a meme that had been bubbling along through the tubes since late 2007. However, during the summer of 2008, these 'quotes' got a boost in the ratings thanks to being picked up by the Internet Meme Machine on /b/. Thusly, like the Rickroll, lolcats and numerous other 4chan favorites, Zach Braff Quotes were thrust into the Pop Culture mainstream. Since 2013, some Aspie fuck make fun of the Zach Braff quotes so much that now it rests locked for eternity.

The M.O.

Zach Braff posting on /b/.

Basically, you make up some shit and attribute it to Zach Braff. That is all. Trying to be lulzy helps but you ideally want to be as offensive and lulzy as possible. In other words, shit a /b/tard would say. A proper Braff quote will appear harmless or nonsensical on its own, but gain an entirely new, generally offensive meaning given the context in the attribution.

Correctly excecuted quotes

Jews did nothing personally

Correct ZB Quotes are not funny until you read the subtext and find out what they are about. Apparently this concept is harder to grasp than the theory of relativity.

I really see no problem with it. At least half of the people involved are enjoying it. Why spoil their fun?


—Zach Braff on rape

Look, those are some tasty eggs. And frankly, I can afford them.


—Zach Braff on the endangered California condor

Well, at least I'm okay.


—Zach Braff on 911

All I'm saying is the guy knew how to work a crowd. His speeches are like watching a masterclass in public speaking, and he used those leadership skills and natural charisma to get shit done. You have to admire that.


—Zach Braff on Hitler

He may seem OK now, but wait until he jacks the radio from Air Force One.


—Zach Braff on Obama

Well, I believe we have to give our nation's children a chance, you know?


—Zach Braff on his pornography collection

They were singing. Obviously, they were having a good time.


—Zach Braff on slavery

It's sad; he still owes me $20.


—Zach Braff on Heath Ledger's death

It was sad; my feet hurt from all the dancing.


—Zach Braff on Heath Ledger's funeral.

I mean, I’m a writer, actor, AND director. Not to rock the boat or anything, but compare that to a carpenter and, in the end, who is the better man?


—Zach Braff on Jesus

The whole thing did make me feel pretty bad. To cheer up her family I sent them Hungry Hungry Hippos.


—Braff on Terri Schiavo.

...and more...

They were careless enough to become paralyzed in the first place; I don’t see why they should be on par with us in terms of transportation.


—Zach Braff on wheelchair ramps

I mean, personally, I would have had no problem surviving. Come on, how hard is it to swim?


—Zach Braff on Hurricane Katrina

I thought the dollar menu helped things?


—Zach Braff on world hunger

It’s all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.


—Zach Braff on the KKK

I’m not the kind of person who digs through things other people have thrown away.


—Zach Braff on adoption

I never looked at bread the same way again.


—Zach Braff on yeast infections.

It's the most unrealistic part of the show, but it attracts more of an audience.


—Braff on Turk from Scrubs

I've never really found black chicks to be attractive.


—Zach Braff on burn victims

I thought of sending money to help before the aftershocks, but I decided to go with Etch-A-Sketches.


—Zach Braff on the Haiti earthquake.

They didn't make you play dodgeball in junior high for nothing.


—Zach Braff on drive-by shootings.

It sucks.


—Zach Braff on Scrubs, season 9

...and even moar....

Good soap, though!


—Zach Braff on the Holocaust.



—Zach Braff on 9/11.

But I'm alive.


—Zach Braff on Friedrich Nietzsche.

Well, I mean they lost both parents. That's just careless.


—Zach Braff on orphans.

I'm not being insensitive, but maybe he started it. I mean, it's not like he can say otherwise now.


—Zach Braff on Steve Irwin

Nice for BBQs. Personally, I like them in spring.


—Zach Braff on Australian bush fires

Zach Braff quotes also come in handy when you've posted something offensive on your facebook etc. When the BAWWWfags start griping that you're a homophobic, anti-semetic misogynist, blame it on Zach Braff.

See Also

Mr. Broff enjoying a relaxing lunch with friends.

External Links

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