Sea Kittens

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Sea Kittens are, as their name suggests, the kittens of the sea. They were discovered in 2008 by fearless scientists studying dangerous levels of snugglability under high-tension conditions at the University of Wufflesworth. It is believed that the case may have to be referred to CERN before these previously unencountered levels of wuffykin can be properly analyzed; in the meantime, theoretical analysts agree that Sea Kittens are likely to be the cutest, the OOTEST WOOTEST little things ever discovered.

So what ARE "Sea Kittens?"

Emo Sea Kitty is saddened by your taste in foods.
Say hello to your new forum avatar.

They're fucking fish.

Wha- Hah- Who Is Responsible?

Who the fuck do you think?

So, wait...what the fuck?

Simply put, PETA is running a campaign to discourage fishing, the mistreatment of fish, the eating of fish, sexual/mental/verbal abuse of fish, etc, complete with online petitions, insane propaganda, and a gross misunderstanding of the topic at hand. Nothing new there.

However, what's so confusingly hilarious about this particular campaign is PETA's determined refusal to call the fish "fish", and insistence on instead referring to them as "Sea Kittens." To quote:


   
 
Whoever was in charge of creating a positive image for fish needs to go right back to working on the Britney Spears account and leave our scaly little friends alone. You've done enough damage, buddy. We've got it from here. And we're going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it's time for a serious image makeover. And who could possibly want to put a hook through a sea kitten?
 

 
 

—PETA

To further the WTF-ness of the situation, the campaign is centered around a cartoony website that appears to be directed at children and/or developmentally challenged adults. The site contains flash games, lots of colorful animations, a store to buy Sea Kitten merchandise, and copious amounts of cute, condescending dialogue, making it look more like something you'd expect from a Powerpuff Girls fansite, rather than a webpage for an anti-fishing campaign. But you really have to see the site for yourself. Words can only go so far.

And PETA continues to spit in the face of zoological science by also making up their own characteristics and taxonomy of Sea Kittens, seemingly oblivious to the fact that "Sea Kittens" and house cats are not even closely related in any way, other than both being vertebrates, or that fishing kittening actually helps keep Sea Kitten populations in balance. Although, Sea Kittens apparently don't mind being dressed up in goofy outfits and made to wear lipstick - just so long as that lipstick wasn't tested on animals, that is.

Presently, it is unclear whether PETA are attempting to irreparably damage the minds of children around the world or are simply trying to wrest the crown of "Most Insane Organization on Earth" from the Church of Scientology - probably both.

Actual PETA Quotes

Proof that PETA hates Jews.
   
 
Contrary to popular belief, the technical term for sea kitten offspring is "baby sea kitties," not "caviar." Many sea kittens build nests where they can raise their baby sea kitties, and others collect small rocks off the sea floor to make widdle hiding pwaces where they can rest.
 

 
 


   
 
Sea kittens talk to each other through squeaks, squeals, and other low-frequency sounds that humans can only hear through special instruments. Most ichthyologists—scientists who specialize in sea kitten biology—agree that this is just about the cutest thing ever.
 

 
 

Your typical PETA member.
Where sea kittens belong.


The Darker Side Of Sea Kittens

Of course, this wouldn't be a PETA project if, having gotten onto a roll, they didn't fail disastrously to see the crash barrier coming, smash straight through and plunge, burning, into the ravine. Once the Sea Kitten fancier is hooked (so to speak), they are abruptly ripped from their colorful life of sunshine, lollipops and simplistic Flash games and plunged headlong into one woman's terrifying and surreal imaginary world.

To date, there have been four Sea Kitten bedtime stories published on the website. Excerpts are reproduced here, but we really, really encourage you to go and look for yourselves - they're like extremely colorful Nick Cave songs. Besides, perhaps if they get enough hits we'll get more. The world desperately needs to know what the crew of the good shit PETA think about aquariums and goldfish.

The Internet Reacts

Yotsuba loves Sea Kittens!


   
 
Is this what happened to all those kittens I've tossed in the river?
 

 
 

—strangeleftydoublethink


   
 
I like PETA. It's like David Lynch for kids.
 

 
 

—pracowitty


   
 
I put a tiara and a dress and lipstick on a fish. On a PETA website. Today, I am complete.
 

 
 

—not_on_display


   
 
Let's go Sea Kittening!
 

 
 

—unidentified


   
 
This is bullshit. Fish taste nothing like kittens when they're deepfried!
 

 
 

—wumpvogt82


   
 
This is just great. As a baby-eating godless Asian hell-demon, my culinary repertoire was limited to household felines and young humans, but with the renaming of the admirable aquatic animals as sea kittens, now I may enjoy the bounty of the oceans as well! Of course, this is not to say I will not disregard the freshwater sea kittens.
 

 
 

—azn person. Obviously.

Typical Fishing Trip

Gallery

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

How Can I Help?

Make your own Sea Kitten! It's fun and completely plausible as a way to actually save animals somehow! And you can dress them in people clothes!
And who could forget the poor bait?
  • According to this press release, PETA's Ashley Byrne is touring the country, giving talks to schools that serve Sea Kittens in the cafeteria. The number to call if you want to invite her to your neck of the woods is 757-622-7382.
  • Add Sea Kittens to your friends list on Facebook! Let them know that they're simply adorable, and not in the slightest bit misjudged and creepy.
  • Ask them if they have any recipes for Ikizukuri.

See Also

COURAGE WOLF wants YOU to EAT LAND FISH

External Links

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Featured article January 25, 2009
Preceded by
Tom Newton
Sea Kittens Succeeded by
Why So Serious?