Serious Sam 3

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Serious Sam 3 BFE is an unsuccessful FPS that was created by Croteam, a Croatian game studio. For the third time, this game clearly proves that most gamers are pussies, because the cover system, quick time events and Call of Duty are for, well, pussies.



Development for this game took place in an undisclosed underground complex. Some argue that it was created with super-advanced computer technology that ensured awesomeness of the finished product. And that nobody would give a shit about the fact that it uses the rehashed engine created in 2008 because this game's just plain better than Modern Warfare 3.


Sam "Serious" Bone is the main badass who is on a mission to kill Mental, a God faggot that after a year-long orgy decided to dedicate his life to destruction of every intelligent form of life for the lulz. Due to the mindfuck caused by time travel, the events of Serious Sam 3 place before the very first game but years after the actual timeline. Well done, Croteam, you made our brains explode.

Difficulty Levels

Tourist: - for the noobs and crybabies that don't know how to play.

Easy: - pretty much the same as Tourist.

Normal: - still too easy.

Hard: - YOLO.

Serious - are you Serious? Don't choose this one.

Mental - enemies will experience texture rendering problems every two or so seconds. Oh, and you have to beat the game on Serious difficulty, so good luck trying.


Mission 1 Sam and friends approach the Land of Sand in the roflcopter to join the party hard in the museum. Originally, the team was meant to stay in their homes snorting cocaine off the strippers' buttocks but fate has told differently. Not long after, a flying machine is pwnd by a rocket causing Sam to fall off the deck.

Mission 2 Sam enters the museum and finds out that the party has ended because Bravo Team was raped by aliens. He later finds some scientist guy's phone that contains very valuable cake recipes. As he was leaving, a big ass Scorpion stood in his way which Sam raped miserably.

Mission 3 Sam receives another party request from some guy called Garrett who instructs him to troll all noob campers in the area (and moar Scorpions) and head for the nearby mosque where the party will take place. After killing a lot of bull and entering the mosque, Garrett's copter gets pwnd by a missile-shooting head on legs but Sam manages to do same thing to it with his piss-weak weapons.

Mission 4 Mom's Basement orders Sam to head for the copter's crash site and give Garrett a blowjob if he's still alive. Sam has no other choice than sweep through more noob campers and sentry guns (RED Engineer Approved). It is found that Garrett was Shoop Da Whoop'd and Deader Than Dead. Sam got pissed off because plan to give Garrett a blowjob failed. Suddenly, something from space falls on the crashed vehicle and turns it into octocopter (protip: octopus conjoined with helicopter). Sam finds a Super-Duper Rocket Launcher 3000 - Noob Edition™ and uses it to fuck up this abomination.

Mission 5 Sam's superior perception notices a very fucking big pyramid, very fucking far away. Believing it contains infinite source of Jewgolds, he heads towards it. On his way, Sam encounters shitload of winged, naked sex slaves and a warship whoreship that can fart aliens out of its ten anuses. Sam scared it off, though because it's a crybaby.

Mission 6 Sam is getting close to his destination and encountering moar aliens he does the same shit to them as Putin to Ukrainian government. Despite the bitching that comes to his ear, Sam blows up a Big Stone Kitty, presumably for the lulz and moar bitching about destroying Nazi artifacts. Somehow, it turns out that a Big Stone Kitty was sitting on the hyper-deep toilet hidden below it for buzzilion years. Sam, basing his thoughts on nerd research speculates that it will flush him to the inside of the pyramid and duh, he was right. Unfortunately Sam didn't find any Jewgolds inside. To make up for this however, Sam finds a blinged-out bracelet with integrated permit for underground strip clubs. Sam finds one of these, though there were no boobies and booties in it. Sam gets another copter ride, this time with Hellfire, a sexy chick that does nothing but pilots copters and annoys the shit out of ppl.

Mission 7 The intel found in the empty strip club suggests that there are two semen generators in two places (nobody cares where, not even Sam). When activated they will power up some sort of time machine that can take one human to the faggotry era. Sam arrives to one of these but tells Hellfire to GTFO because only he deserves to suck ass. On his way to the generator, Sam encounters a three-faced fatty rocket-spamming hacker/glitcher and - after activating the generator that spills white cream - a mutated and grayed out version of Goatse.

Mission 8 Apart from meeting a levitating and brainwashing limbo-whore, there's nothing special that happens in here.

Mission 9 This time, Sam manages to cause ownage to the whoreship, thanks to steroids he had inhaled during the battle. To spice thing up, he turns on the last generator. Copter pilots are so keen to fly with the badass guy like Sam, that he gets another copter ride from yet another guy, Wilson.

Mission 10 While Sam and Wilson talk about some shit, the missile-shooting head on legs pwns their copter (jeez, how many more choppahz they'll screw up?). Sam, a lucky son of a bitch survives the pwnage again but unluckily to him, struggles to make contact with Mom's Basement. He finds what is believed to be a 12 year old's microphone dedicated to micspamming. Hellfire answers his call but doesn't give a fuck about his desires.

Mission 11 Left on his own, Sam prepares to reach a time machine. And that's it.

Mission 12 Sam meets a giant four-legged pimp that does not let him use the time machine. Serious as always, Sam owns that fucker and uses the time machine right before Mental moons the Earth in Goatse style. Now in the fggotry era, Sam can live happily, killing and raping moar aliens. And every step forward gets him closer to his life target (read: Mental). THE END

Characters of importance

Earth Defense Force (or something like that)

Please note that every character stated below (apart from Serious Sam) dies - such is shitty life to them.

Sam "Serious" Stone - the almighty hero. This guy's so badass and skilled that Chuck Norris should praise him forever. He's possibly a father of Duke Nukem.

Rodriguez - so little is known about this guy that his name wasn't even revealed plus nobody gives a flying fuck about his birthday.

Jones - a nigger with cool shades and a big gun. He got killed by an hero with bombs.

Miller - another nigger that can fly a choppah.

Quinn - complaining bitch that serves as a harrasment to Sam. She often calls him and deliberately tells him to do not blow shit up.

Johann Stein - a scientist guy whose true purpose isn't known. Only his arm survived.

Garrett - another pilot that somehow has permission to fly attack choppers.

Fiona "Hellfire" Starr - yet another pilot but a girl. Her sex appeal is very useful in keeping any chopper she flies - totally intact, likely because aliens somehow enjoy jacking off more than pwning choppers (or maybe because she's crazy).

Wilson - a chopper pilot. At least a last one you'll meet.


Sledgehammer - MC Hammer's melee weapon of choice. If you see one-eyed gorillas closing in, you should definitely use this one.

SOP38 Pistol - an ordinary Desert Eagle ripoff. Unlike IRL version, this one doesn't recoil at all but its power is comparable to shooting with frozen green peas. To make up for this, though, it offers infinite spamming supply so if you see anything human sized or smaller, don't be afraid to shoot this thing.

12 Gauge Pump-Action Shotgun - in this game, the shotgun is actually a great weapon. Unlike other shooters where effective range of a shotgun is less than 5 feet, the shotgun in SS3 offers over a triple of that value.

Double Barrel Coach Gun - another shotgun. Hopefully or not, this one is not sawed-off. It still sucks though. It only packs punch when you pretty much point its barrels right next to the alien's face. Not to mention its ultra slow rate of fiah.

XPML21 Rocket Launcher - a.k.a. Super-Duper Rocket Launcher 3000 - Noob Edition™. This ultra yellow missile firing device is specifically designed to kill everying at safe distance. Easy to use, even for noobs.

M29 Infantry Assault Rifle - if there was no minigun in the game, this would be the best weapon for almost every situation.

C4 Demolition Charge - if you like when things go boom very loud, then use these little bags.

SBC Cannon - approved by pirates. A mobile cannon. Overpowered.


XM-214-A Minigun - it's a minigun. It has lotta bullets and fires fast as fuck. It owns, right?

Sirian Mutilator - a blinged out bracelet. It contains a weapon that shoots awesome electric beams.

XL2 Lasergun - Sci-fi minigun alternative. This weapon is always hidden, so you'll have to waste your time on finding it in secrets.

RAPTOR Sniper Rifle - a sniper rifle that lets you quickscope like a baws. Just like the laser gun, this weapon is also secret exclusive, so have a nice time searching it.


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Serious Sam 3 funny moments
Serious Sam 3: BFG Fail.

See also

External links

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