Sex In Christ

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Sex in christ.gif
File:Sicmastur.jpg
Notice how the guy who wrote this actually is serious.

Are you a God-fearing, heterosexual individual that likes to get their freak on? Are you worried about burning in fire and brimstone because you want nothing more than to be tied up and punished for being naughty? Are you concerned that shaving your pubes is going to turn you into the Devil's whore? Well don't worry, the individuals at SexInChrist.com have taken it upon themselves to justify and explain sexual acts as they relate to the Bible. This is just as stupid as it sounds.

Anal Sex in Accordance with God's Will

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Words fail me.
 
 
Are you saving yourself for your wedding night? The Devil wants you to fail, that’s why he puts stumbling blocks in your way. But God wants you to succeed, and that’s why he has given us an alternative to intercourse before marriage: anal sex. Through anal sex, you can satisfy your body’s needs, while you avoid the risk of unwanted pregnancy and still keep yourself pure for marriage.
 

 

LOLWUT

In this section, the God-fearing Christfag learns that buttsecks isn't dirty nor a sin. Why? Well to put it simply, God created you and your body thus it is perfect and clean in all ways. It is a common misconception that God gets a frowny face over buttsecks. The Bible does not forbid buttsecks from man on woman or pegging. It forbids men from laying with men. Which is alright because no one really wants to see that shit anyways. We also learn that while the Lord wants us to go out and get our fuck on a lot in Genesis, the Bible also says that there is a time and a place for everything.

It is a bit difficult to figure out which line of hypocrisy is best to follow. But no matter how you look at it, God loves buttsecks and you should too faggot.

Oral Sex and God's Will

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Alright then.
 
 
Since the publication of our original article on anal sex and God’s will, we have received several inquiries asking to clarify God’s position concerning oral sex. We are gratified that so many Christians are hungry for the word of the Lord and are actively seeking the Truth so that they may fulfill His plan in all areas of their lives.
 

 

We speak for God now.

Oral sex is a double bonus for God-fearing Christfags. It allows an alternative for premarital sex for the whore that wants to save her cunt for marriage, and has the added bonus of preventing unwanted pregnancies. It should be noted that this should have been printed long ago as most Christfags really would have been better off being swallowed instead of conceived.

It has been closely linked to the depravities of Sodom and Gomorrah as an act of debauchery and sin, but this is not so. The sins of the Sodomites had more to do with raep and faggotry. So if you want to blow four hundred dudes, get to work and God will love you for it.

Swallowing is both a necessity and a spiritual boost. The Bible damned well demands that seed not be spilled on the ground. Poor old Onan got smote while boning his brother's wife because he pulled out and blew his wad on the ground so he wouldn't get the slut pregnant. This is hilariously referred to as coitus interruptus. If he would've slapped the bitch around and made her blow him and swallow, he would've been in the clear.

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You heard the Bible, bitches.
   
 
Moreover, the Bible specifically encourages fellatio to completion with the female partner consuming or swallowing the ejaculate.
 

 
 

—Can't argue with that logic.

Fisting and God's Will

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You read it here, folks.
   
 
It is the voice of my beloved! He knocks, saying, "Open for me, my sister, my love, My dove, my perfect one”…My love thrust his hand through the opening, and my feelings were stirred for him.
 

 
 

—Song of Solomon 5:2,4

Srsly. They address how God views the sexual act of Fisting a cunt or an ass. Turns out, it's A-OK. Seems odd that God is cool with fisting and all other manners of depraved sex but GODDAMNIT DON'T LET THE BALLS TOUCH. He is a fickle God like that. It is apparently alright for a wife to fist her husband's asshole as well. But first, the pair should pray for divine guidance. And it is only acceptable if the man still appears to be head of the household outside of the bedroom. This brings up a question that needs to be asked. Why in the depths and depravities of Hell does one need God's guidance to figure out if they want a fist in their ass or not? This does not seem like it would be a difficult decision to make without divine intervention. But we lesser beings can not hope to aspire to this level of devotion.

Viagra and God's Will

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Why are we pissed at pedo-priests again?
   
 
A strong erection is a gift from God.
 

 
 

O RLY

God wants you to bone. There's no denying that. So long as it's really boring and not at all depraved in any way. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. So in the spirit of that, if you need medication to get your cock erect have at it. But be sure to pray to God for guidance first. This brings up an interesting question. If an erection is a gift from God, where do pedophiles and other such sick fucks fit into the major scheme of things? The phrasing seems to imply that all erections are a good thing. Not sure if God had baby fuck in mind, but hey who knows.

Bare Before God; Shaving and the Bible

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Right up there with being a Furfag.

Thankfully the Bible has given us guidance when it comes to shaving ones pubes off be you male or female.


   
 
Then you grew up, became tall and reached the age for fine ornaments; your breasts were formed and your hair had grown. Yet you were naked and bare.
 

 
 

—Ezekiel 16:7

The website claims that this means the woman was shaved as bare supposedly means "without hair". Though with some prodding around one finds that the only definition even loosely coming close to this involves being bald-headed. And don't worry ladies, if your husband wants you to shave he doesn't have a weird fetish or kink. Though if you need to read a webpage about how to determine your sexuality in light of an invisible man you probably have bigger problems than a bald cunt fetish.

Shaving that Amazon growing on your crotch can also bring you closer to God, Jesus, and your lover! Sort of makes you wonder why they bothered building the Berlin Wall when they could have just used a pile of cock shavings and accomplished much the same thing. Would've been a lot cheaper too. God hates stubble. So either keep that shit clean shaven or don't shave at all. It is evil. No, srsly.

Threesomes Within a Christian Marriage

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So hard right now..
 
 
When a man and woman have joined together in a loving and holy marriage union, they may sometimes find that their love for one another and for God spills over outside of their relationship. Or they may find that other people are drawn to the joy, bliss, and passion that they radiate. In such situations, the desire or opportunity may arise to involve a third individual in their relationship – to form a threesome. Is this a temptation into sin, or a calling to a higher spiritual love? The answer is not clear in all situations, so we must turn to the Scriptures for guidance.
 

 

—I got nothing.

When pursuing a life of debauchery by fucking multiple people in your Christian marriage, one must seek guidance from the scripture. God is a big fan of the NO BALLS TOUCHING FAGS rule. In multiple places in the Bible it discusses how two men should not bone, which is a message even us non-Christfags can get behind. But it barely touches on dyking out. Which is unfortunate because the Bible might be a bit more interesting to read with MOAR LESBIANS and perhaps some pictures, maybe an .mpeg or two. Shit basically already is a paysite, might as well give us some lesbian porn when we sign up.

A threesome should only be pursued if the husband is comfortable with it. If he is made to feel jealous then it is considered adultery and your ass should be stoned in the town square. Not like there aren't hypersensitive retards that have no sense of self-worth and project their uselessness on to their significant others to keep them feeling inferior.

There are a lot of fucking rules for threesomes for Christfags. Frankly, I think my cock would shrivel trying to figure all this shit out.

  1. To avoid the impropriety of male homosexuality, a heterosexual couple should not under any circumstances form a threesome with another man.
  2. Both women involved in the threesome must be willing to keep within traditional female roles (i.e., not taking on masculine appearance or behavior in or out of the bedroom) and recognize the male as the leader in the relationship.
  3. If the wife’s lesbian sex partner is unmarried, it may be permissible for the husband to have relations with her only with his wife’s consent.
  4. If the wife’s lesbian sex partner is unmarried, but the wife does not wish her to have relations with the other woman, the husband should respect this.
  5. If the wife’s lesbian sex partner is married, her husband must not have objections to the relationship.
  6. If the wife’s lesbian sex partner is married, the husband should refrain from having any sexual relations with her, and should make every effort to control his fantasies about her. He should concentrate his attention on his own wife.

Most of this shit can be summed up with the GB2KITCHEN mindset. I'm curious as to how often this problem actually comes up for the average Christfag.

A Proposal for Christian Pornography

 
 
Depending on the circumstances, the act of intercourse can be either a defilement of the body and soul through lust and indulgence of the senses, or it can be a celebration of God-given sexuality that uplifts the bodies and spirits of both partners. Likewise, pornography could be either degrading and sinful (as it almost always is), or it could depict acts that, when viewed appropriately, could enhance the sexual and sensual relationships of believers.
 

 

O RLY

These Christfags believe that there is a gap as wide as your mother's that needs filled by the Christian pornography model. For you see, pornography does not have to be degrading and sinful. It can be uplifting and a connector to the Lord Savior and serve as an enhancer to a sexual relationship, like so many spiritual roofies. Being that Christfags have a difficulty in speaking bluntly about that naughty subject it tends to leave them confused in their relationships with each other and their Lord. Though if they could speak bluntly about it perhaps Catholic priests wouldn't be averaging a hundred-fifty altar boys across the board.

Framework for Christian Porn

  • It must depict only married couples engaging in sexual acts.
    • Performers need to be married off screen, and on screen. They may not portray fucking anyone they are not wed to under any circumstances.
  • It must portray sex within the context of a Christian marriage.
    • It must be clear that they are Christians. Show the pair praying together, going to church together, or one of them can cosplay as Jesus before taking it in the ass.
  • It must be instructional.
    • The role of the porn should be informational on how to be better lovers towards one another and God. This is agreeable, nothing makes me harder than the book of Deuteronomy.
  • Husband and Wife must both receive due benevolence.
    • So wait, is it Go Back 2 Kitchen or is it equality? This Christian stuff is hard.
  • No extramarital sex, unless it is to illustrate the downfalls of adultery.
    • Here's your giant loophole.
  • It must be uplifting and inspirational, focusing on strengthening Christian marriage and Christian faith.
    • <Insert generic Catholic joke here.>
  • No profanity.
    • No profanity. In a porno. Only noises of love and tenderness. What if you want to be informed on how to properly verbally degrade your wife so she can feel like the cock-sucking slut that she is? Chicks dig that. Blah blah blah respect, blah blah blah equality, that shit goes right out the window when the door closes. Provided you haven't been brainwashed into being a neutered Christfag incapable of feeling and immersing oneself in real lust. Might as well put on a dress, faggot. You are now the bitch.

The Response

There are appears to be three camps of people that view this website and actually give a remote shit about it. Atheists that are too stupid to shut the hell up about their superiority. Christians who are too stupid to think for themselves. And people like me who are too stupid to stay away. Like flies to shit.

A quick jaunt around the internets reveals several blogs espousing much butthurt and angst as well as LOL LOOK AT THIS. It's fairly clear that everyone involved is god damned stupid. Except the creators of the site, who are very likely doing it for the lulz.

See Also

External Links

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Featured article July 11, 2010
Preceded by
Real ID
Sex In Christ Succeeded by
Paul the Psychic Octopus