Shawn Johnson is the loli jailbait captain of the American woman's gymnastics team. Due to her extreme lack of both height and boobs, she looks like a nine year old girl, despite being seventeen years old, making her the ultimate fap fodder of pedophiles and sick fucks everywhere. Oh yeah, and she has also won one gold medal and three silver medals in 2008's Summer Olympics, thus bringing honor and glory to the Fatherland. However, impressive as this may be, noone really cares about this; they just want in her
A Reported Stalker
He's hardcore. He probably knows more about her than she does.
For publicity's sake, Shawn decided to make a nice little blog where people can either:
- Make very boring comments about how great she is at gymnastics;
- Spam comments in foreign languages she definitely hasn't studied; or
- Hit on her.
Wisely, she has not replied even once to the comments she has received. However, this hasn't stopped the slobbering legions of sick fucks from pouring out their hearts and souls to a young girl who couldn't be more disinterested. Some typical comments on her blog include:
—Unrealistic expectations, amirite?
A Complete Idiot-
There's this kid, michaelnash, that started a political humor blog on The Des Moines Register in a vain, as well as stupid, attempt to get Shawn's attention. Shawn is a 16-year-old girl and does not read The Des Moines Register. Shortly after the conclusion of the Olympics, he started writing fake polls about the presidential election under the title: "TODAY'S INSTAPOLL." Everything he wrote that was not about politics was about Shawn. This went on day after day and week after week, until he eventually found out that Shawn has her own blog (It's called Google, you dumbass.) Then he started making comments on her blog -but not without first deleting any mention of Shawn in the Register- unwittingly making his motives extremely transparent. Now, he posts comments on Shawn's blog almost on a daily basis, thereby making a complete jackass of himself. Apparently, michaelnash lacks the balls to outright stalk Shawn -but only by a small margin.
As she has won three Olympic medals and also happens to be hawt, you can be sure that our lovable President will invite her to the White House for a banquet and pose for a picture with her in order to pretend that he actually gives two shits about something other than his next bucket of KFC and 40 of Olde English.
Also, you can expect her to be featured on numerous irritating advertisements, promoting crappy products, until she turns 18, at which point the American media will shift it's focus to the next pre-pubescent, up-and-coming underage female gymnast so that viewers can have something to fap to again. After this happens, she will be suddenly completely ignored, at which point she will either make another Olympic appearance and start the cycle all over again, fade gracefully from public view, or become the next Jamie Lynn Spears and get knocked up by someone named Cletus from Mississippi and thereby guarantee that the media will never shut the fuck up about her.
It makes my taco POP!
Given that Shawn was in the center of the media spotlight for so long and featured on just about every product conceivable, it was only a matter of time until something questionable came up. Just such a blessing came in the form of an unintentionally hilarious, oddly erotic Ortega taco commercial. To the imaginative pedo, the mere combination of a teenage gymnast and a "taco" commercial is enough to spark many shitty double entendres and perverse jokes. But thankfully, Ortega did everyone a favor by eliminating the middle man and penning some of the most poorly written, blatantly sexual dialogue that you can get away with on television without the FCC questioning your intentions. To the casual viewer, the commercial is nothing more than an ultra-corny food commercial with terrible acting trying to cash in on the popularity of the Olympics. But to the more perverted viewer (of which there is no shortage on the internets), a goldmine of lulz was to be mined from the ad.
The ad starts out harmless enough, with that annoying voiceover guy asking what three Olympic gymnasts could possibly have in common. Could it be that they're all gymnasts? Or perhaps that they're all Olympians? OF COURSE NOT! THEY ALL LOVE ORTEGA TACOS! Anyway, Shawn Johnson shows up on screen and immediately proclaims "My taco's the best!" While this in itself is pretty damn funny, it gets much better. Just in case you haven't creamed your pants by this point, Shawn then proceeds to add some taco sauce to her taco and exclaims, "I love Ortega's taco sauce. It makes my taco POP!" Then the two twin guys say something, but nobody really notices them at this point, since SHAWN JOHNSON JUST USED THE PHRASE "MAKES MY TACO POP!" While it is a distinct possibility that the writers of the ad are all retarded, a more likely scenario is that at least 1 of them is simply a clever troll. Honestly, it would be hard to come up with something more sexually suggestive than "popping tacos." And to cover up the sexual theme of the ad, the writer must have intentionally made it incredibly cheesy so that people would be distracted from the blatant innuendo. ED salutes this man (you know it was a guy) for his brave trollery. Anyway, words can only go so far, so here's the ad from YouTube.
Boys... always competing!
Naturally, it didn't take long for the forces that /b/ to find the ad on their quest to find fapping material of Shawn Johnson. On August 28th, a thread was made when a /b/tard found the ad and shared it with his /b/rothers. The 4channers were amazed by the discovery of the commercial and may have been the original source of the awareness of the ad's seckshuality. Anonymous was delighted to declare that popping tacos was now a meme and many shoops followed. Among these were about 50 demotivators and several pics of Shawn Johnson's head photoshopped onto Dave Grohl's body with the text "MY TACO'S THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST..."
is part of a series on
the ED Special Olympics
Air Bud • Allison Stokke • Barry Bonds • Billy Martin • Brandon Phillips • Brett Favre • Bruce Jenner • Cindy Crosby • Diego Maradona • Gary Lineker • George Steinbrenner • Jim Bunning • John Terry • Klitschko brothers • Lawrence Taylor • Michael Phelps • Mike Tyson • Nodar Kumaritashvili • Rax Grissman • Robert Green • Ron Mexico • Shawn Johnson • Thurman Thomas • Ty Cobb • Zinedine Zidane •