Simon Belmont

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Simon Belmont is perhaps the most beloved Belmont of all "Castlevania" fanboys (mostly fags due to his muscle mass). Appearing in the first version, Simon is most famous for defaeting Count Dracula by literally whipping his ass with the fabled Vampire Killer. However, since Konami ripped off every part of this franchise from Irish Gentleman Bram Stoker, this little-known fact makes Simon a rip-off from Van Helsing.

Background

BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!!!

According to the storyline, Simon is the decendant of Leon Belmont, the first ass to wield the whip. Simon is also the great-great grandson of Trevor Belmont and transsexual witch Sypha. He is also Richter's great great granddaddy.

In the original NES and later SNES games, Simon was drawn as a juiced-up muscular blonde blue-eyed macho man (this was the stereotype for male superheroes back in the 80's and 90's) unafraid of anything that has to do with Satan cuz like any other Belmont, Simon was a good Christian. After Super Castlevania IV, however, the games featured a different, faggier Simon with red hair and a lisp, proof that Konami is only fucking up Castlevania for the money.

Games

LOL Paradox!

"Castlevania" wouldn't be famous without Simon, and this is true. However, Castlevania has been nothing but a cashcow for Konami lately. ED will give you the list of the earlier, humbler days of Castlevania games where our hero Simon starred in:


Castlevania

Also known as "AKUMAJOU DORAKURA" in Japan, it was the first to be released for the NES and FamiCom. The plot was simple: You played as Simon, wield the Vampire Killer, whip the shit out of zombies witches and skeletons, eats hearts and chikins hidden in walls and candles, and watch out for those fucking bats and medusa heads, which are annoying as you are when asking someone out. If you managed to do this you encounter Dracula. After beating him the game starts all over again. The only way to beat it completely is by playing it for over 9000 times while using only the Stopwatch. DO IT FAGGOT!!!

Castlevania II:Simon's (Shitty) Quest

Supposedly Simon gets cursed by Dracula after defaeting him. No moar words about this piece of shit. Why don't you watch the reviews from these perma-virgin basement-dwellers below...

Butthurt Jew's Response To AVGN's Review.


Captain N: The Game Master

That chin.

Now this is where things are probably really fucked up. In this cartoon produced by the wonderful world of Dic, Simon is a flamboyant, macho-man blonde who acts like a cowardly bitch whenever the villains show up. In one episode, he is seen getting sneaked up on, and is shortly kidnapped when a bag is put over his head, which makes anyone wonder if the fucktards who created this shitfest have even played the games, let alone done any proper research. Oh, and did we mention that HE'S A NIGGER?!

Super Castlevania IV

The first Castlevania released for the SNES. It features a much moar improved gameplay control on Simon: Now you can whip in eight different directions and can moonwalk on the stairs. Although it had an addition of some other useful shit, SCV4 has been one of the most controversial Castlevanias among fanboys. Always asking "Is it a sequel?" "Is it a remake?", who the fuck knows? (Or cares?) Apparently SCV4 also avoided flamewars about religion, with the intro having a tombstone with a cross PWNED by lightning. Nintendo of America removed these images to avoid butthurt Christfags BAWWWING. They also removed and recolored blood from Stage 8 and dressed the topless statues in Stage 6 even though they failed to cover the nude Medusa. SCV4 is also known for it's improved graphics and designs, with a stage that imitates 3-D that can make any Azn people fucking vomit. Unfortunately, LesTubes feature lowlifes and basement dwellers filming and uploading their shitty playthroughs, fucking the greatness that was once Super Castlevania IV.


And if you thought that was bad, here's the promo for this game.

Castlevania Chronicles

Gayer than Kojima's design? You be the judge!

Another remake of the original for the PSX. Needless to say it sucks due to the fact that not only Konami fucked up the controllers back to the NES ones, Simon looks moar like a faggy-ass white version of Prince. This game also features the meme What is a man? Wrong fucktard that's SotN.

Castlevania Judgment

A fighting game featuring a bunch of Castlevania characters going head-to-head, where they were barely recognizable among fans, in which major butthurt ensued. Aside from the shitty controls and horrible voice acting, all of the characters were redesigned by Takeshi Obata, thus half of them resembled his own characters, most notably Simon who looks like Light Yagami on steroids, complete with a gay male-stripper outfit. Some argue that this is his worst design to date. An ongoing joke in the game is that the loli Maria wants to have her tits as big as Sypha's, something that many would have mentioned to be the greatest joke since Jim Carrey's career but since all Castlevania fanbois are fags, they ignored the joke and continued to fap vigorously to Simon's flaming-red hair and Dracula's Madonna-like cocktail dress.

So Whiplash


Anonymous 4/17/12(Tue)19:30:27 No.394085210

Belmont So Cash.jpg Hey Peasants.
My name is Simon, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are ugly syphilitic piles of secrets who spend every second of their day looking at stupid ass tapestries. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten any pussy? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of people because of your own insecurities, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than jerking off to pictures in the domesday book.

Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I'm pretty much perfect. I was captain of the royal-guard, and best man of the woods. What quests have you commenced, other than "jack off to as many naked illustrated Japanese people as I can"? I also get straight arrows, and have a banging hot paramour (She just bit me; Shit was SO cash). You are all faggots who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.

Pic Related: It's me and my wench


See Also

External Links

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