A skeleton is a very spooky force of nature. One might even say that it is 2spooky. As with all forces of nature, your typical basement dweller knows very little about skeletons. Unlike boring shit like trees and fluid dynamics, Skeletons happen to be exciting enough for the internet to love them due to their various hauntings.
What is a Skeleton?
There are two types of skeletons in the world: the spooky moving skeleton and the slightly less spooky not-moving skeleton. Either way, a skeleton is a structure of bones, bones being those things that you learned about in third grade that have something to do with keeping your body from turning into a soft saggy blob'o flesh..
Skeletons, however, do not need the rest of the body to function. Why, the skeleton only needs the rest of the body for reproductive purposes to make more skeletons, turning the body into a biological robot mecha suit. This is proven by the fact that skeletons are capable of speech without the usage of lungs, dance without the usage of muscles, and are capable of loving without a heart. The exception to this is the eyes. You see, the skeleton's relation with its eyes are a mystery, some skeletons see just fine without eyes, while others choose to keep them because it helps with their spooky image.
These skeletons are awesome! They sing and dance and are a blast at parties! Living skeletons are capable of living just like you and me, but without the fear of dying or fucking up their eyesight. This leads them to live an otherwise dangerous lifestyle of constant binging, rape, and otherwise merriment. Such skeletons are usually happy fellows with no more mortal ties to the world such as virginity or poorfaggotry. Skeletons make the perfect guests, because unlike smelly humans they never cause the police to investigate the party because of some Filipino crasher that's passing around pixie dust in the bathroom. Skeletons don't even need cocaine!
Unfortunately, some skeletons grow butthurt at the loss of their flesh. No longer being able to sensitively feel the firm breasts of a woman or stroke a cock again, skeletons may often turn insane and evil, resulting in terror amongst the world of the living as skeletons try to stick their bony fingers into the sacred crevices that they were denied in life. Such skeletons will arm themselves with swords and armor (but rarely guns) and ally themselves with a necromancer. These skeletons regret not doing more things in life, usually stupid pointless shit like telling their loved ones goodbye. The only way to appease these sexually frustrated beasts is for a virgin to offer herself onto them for worldly pleasures. The virgin may provide a strap-on for the skeletons to use her own pleasure, but this is optional.
Living Skeletons are known for taking one for the team and doing jobs that the living do not desire, such as fulfilling Grim Reaper positions, being depicted in shitty Jeff Dunham puppets, or being villains in cartoons. Unlike niggers, spics, and/or women, skeletons do not complain about their negative depiction in media, for the skeletons are too busy living the life that you are currently missing out on by reading stupid shit on the internet.
The human body to the inner skeleton works like a mecha suit. Sometimes, when the mecha suit is damaged, the host inside is injured as well. That's how Kamina dies (although his father never died and became a skeleton renegade instead). While it is possible for a skeleton to be damaged and repaired, critical failure can occur. A blue screen of death will occur on the skeleton's HUD, and the skeleton will panic as its suit malfunctions against it. The skeleton in this case will die before being free from the body, or in one special case restart the system (this case is debated, however, since all skeleton-suits operate in Windows Vista). The skeleton will lay on the ground, not partying and drinking, as its spirit waits for a necromancer to pull it back into the realm of the mortals. If revived, these skeletons will almost always be evil (or at least REALLY pissed off) because in the world of the dead, skeletons are the equivalent of rich white people.
How do I get a Skeleton?
We understand after reading this that it might be tempting for you to try to obtain your own skeleton. However, there are so many options as to what type of skeleton you might be looking for. You see, skeletons come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, like dogs. Luckily, we're providing you with a handy guide on how to get your very own skeleton. Start at 1, then click on the number that represents your choice.
- Do you want your very own skeleton? (yes = 3/no = 2)
- Do you want to become a skeleton? (yes = 4/no = 8)
- What type of skeleton do you want to own? (human = 4/animal = 6/plant = 8)
- Do you have access to a potato peeler or a knife? (yes = 5/no = 9)
- This is very important. The skeleton's skin suit will cause it to die unless you carefully remove it. Do you think you are capable of removing all of the body's fleshy bits at once? (yes = 7/no = 9)
- Do you care how fresh it is? (yes = 10/no = 11)
- Were you able to do so? (yes = 12/no = 9)
- You are not worthy of the presence of the skeletons, you stupid shitsack.
- Well, do you know any necromancers (or at least any goth sheep)? (yes = 13/no = 8/I chose to make myself a skeleton=15)
- Even though they are incapable of human speech, skeletons of animals are very similar to the skeletons of humans, complete with the singing and dancing. Go to step 4
- Go to Walmart and buy fried chicken. Share it with some nigge- I mean friends of any race, and keep the bones. Go to step 14.
- Skeletons are fun and exciting, and now you have one of your very own! Congratulations!
- Shit, really? If you're not pulling my leg, then would they be willing to help you out? (yes = 16/no, not even a blowjob will help = 8)
- It may not be glamorous, but animal skeletons are skeletons. Unfortunately, its singing and dancing days are over, and the skeleton's spirit is in the great spooky in the sky.
- Well, you fucked up. Better luck next time!
- Nice try, but everyone knows that necromancers are the gypsies of the magicks. You've just given him an undead minion that isn't yours. Go to step 15.
Interacting with your Skeleton
Skeletons, like the Swedish, think of themselves as a noble people. Unlike the Swedish, they are proud of being unanimously white and for their great advancements in the fine arts and sciences. Unfortunately, skeletons can be spooky to the likes of the uninformed bigoted mortals. As such, we have prepared a list of do's and don'ts for skeletal socializing.
- Ask if they can do a Skeletor impression
- Call them any variation of "Mr. Bones."
- Ask them how their anatomy works
- Offer them anything to eat or drink
- Discuss politics. Skeletons simply do not care
- Ask them if they have a boner. They've all heard that one a million times.
Basically, ask yourself this simple question: "Would what I'm about to say get me yelled at or punched in my stupid fucking face if I said it to a nigger?"
- Be spooked, even if the skeleton is not scary
- Avoid seriously discussing zombies or ghosts. Skeletons do not believe in such silly things.
- Respect their rights to be among the world of the living, even if summoned through a horrible satanic ritual.
- Thank them for their blessing when you see their image on your thread.
- Learn your...
- Most people have skeletons in them.
- Your dog probably has a skeleton in it.
- Your penis, we hope, does not have a skeleton in it.
- However, those camwhores in the ads on this website do have skeletons.
- Skeletons in the closet are a cause for alarm for politicians.
- Skeletons coming out of the closet are a cause for alarm for Christians.
- Skeletons coming out of the ground are a cause for celebration!
- Skeletons cumming just cause confusion.
- Skeletons make excellent babysitters.
- Despite their resemblance to slugs, lardasses most likely have skeletons
- Skeletons can legally be bought in Wal-Mart.
- Skeletons are most likely Pagan, as you never see them in Christmas specials on tv (faggy Tim Burton puppets don't count).
- Skeletons are high in calcium, and taste great!
- Interacting with the skeleton people is an investment. After all, soon you'll be a skeleton too!
In a nutshell.
- Mr. Bones' Wild Ride
- Then A Skeleton Popped Out
- Sexy skeletonized chicks
- Shahn Christian Andersen
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|Featured article October 30 & 31, 2019|
Monsters By State