Skullgirls

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Skullgirls a.k.a. Battle of the Waifus is a shitty 2-D fighting game released for multi-platform systems on April 12, 2012. It consists of a bunch of American animu lolis and bitches and whores in their mid-20's jumping around fighting. When hearing said concept, one will think that this is an awesome fighting game. If you believe that then you are sadly mistaken, but then again, you always are. Created by the creative mind of Mike Zaimont and Alex Ahad, Alex delivers his masterpiece that he has slaved over since high school. While day dreaming in class about big titted girls throwing hydukens and bitch slapping each other then drawing said creations on his notebook. Like Bleedman, being the punching bag at high school did little to deter both Kike Z and Alex Ahad from bringing his fantasy to life. Have we mentioned that he was building a fighting engine from the ground up for over 10 years that is the Skullgirls engine?( He just ripped off other shitty fighting games like MvC2, Guilty Gear and Street Fighter so it doesn't say much) Named the Z engine. As of now, Skullgirls is unplayable on multi-player since there are no lobbies and the opponent matching system takes forever. Despite being on GGPO, which is a netcode that supposedly eliminates lag, yeah, you guessed it, Skullgirls is a huge cluster fuck of lag. You will either spend the whole day looking for a match or get your ass raped by some faggot with 200 plus ping. It is advisable should you waste your money on this game, it's more stable on the PS3 rather than the XCocks 360. The game also sucks Newgrounds' cock by employing Zone as the animator, with Runkachunk and Egoraptor as voiceovers. GOTY 2013!

Plot

In the Kingdom of Canopy, characters are beating the shit out of each other for a chance to obtain some artifact called the Skullheart. The Skullheart has the ability to grant any wish to whom controls it, but at a heavy cost. Just like you, the characters don't mind because they have absolutely nothing to live for. They all seek too defeat an evil being known as the Skullgirl, who is corrupted by the Skullheart and a threat to the entire world. Unknown to this, the characters are unaware that they are really fighting for the amusement of 2 goddess sisters who, like God IRL, have nothing better to do than to watch their creations suffer.

Characters

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Filia, Age 16

Jailbait cumdumpster who, after hardcore partying, wakes up with amnesia. Without a clue where she is or who she is, Filia embarks on a quest to do just that, but she is not alone. It just so happens that she wakes up with a parasite which controls her hair, named Samson. Samson is a compulsive gambler, drinker, and an complete asshole. Worried about his gambling and eating habits (since Samson stuffing his face with food makes Filia fat), Filia has no choice but to trust and rely on Samson if she is to survive. NOTE: ZONE did a porn animation of her and this shit is what got him hired to work on Skullgirls.
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Cerebella, Age 18

A.k.a. Mike Z's mary-sue self insert (because almost every grappler in a fighting game sucks lol). Straight out of cirque du soleil, this legal chick makes her porno debut into the minds of basement dwellers everywhere. A kind circus performer, Cerebella is also a strong arm for the mafia. Her father figure is some wop pedo mob boss whom she strives to get attention from. She wears a living weapon hat called Vice-Versa which, when worn, becomes two fucking huge arms. She also likes pussy, but who can blame her? She is also Beowulf's main groupie hoe. She is voiced by none other than Christina Vee. Mike Z gets pissy and bitchy if people make fun of her or bitch about her or Double being too OP. Somehow has the purest heart out of the group said Alex because of course.
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Peacock, Age 13

An orphan whose parents were pwned in a war. Peacock was enslaved by a group of slave traders. The years of rape and torture have mangled this loli's mind and body to a point of no return. She was saved by some doctor at an Anti-Skullgirl lab, who augmented her with weapons to suit his sexual desires and her love for cartoons. Unfortunately for this ol' doc, he didn't play Metal Gear Solid 4 to find out that when you augment a little girl who has been traumatized by war atrocities, massive lulz will ensue. She is also currently the victim of yet more porno fanfic written by Anthony LoGatto, thus her torment will never end.
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Parasoul, Age 25

A tall skinny chick who is the princess of Canopy Kingdom and leader of their special ops, The Black Egrets. Parasoul's mother was once turned into a skullgirl. Parasoul had the unfortunate privilege of seeing her mother get pwned. Now, she is a fearless leader who is the object of her mens' fantasies to the point that they will even come to her aid during a fight in hopes of gaining access into her royal snatch. Oh, yeah... she fights with a living parasol, thus her name.
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Ms. Fortune, Age 20

Remember Kaori from Shaq-Fu? Half cat, half human, all jerk-off bait for furfags. Ms.Fortune is pretty much exactly that. In fact, she may be Mike Z's reference to the game. Ms. Fortune was once a member of a gang of thieves known as The Fish Bone Gang. She was on a mission with her team to retrieve a chaos emerald from the same mob that Cerebella whores herself out to. When she was caught, Ms.Fortune put her other skills to the test and swallowed the gem like a champ. Unfortunately, she was cut into pieces because of this. Fortunately, the gem gave her immortality, so dismemberment didn't kill her. Now she walks the earth as a stitched up cat girl who is able to disassemble and reassemble to help her in combat, out for revenge for her fallen comrades and herself. Mike Z believes Her head has been said to be great at giving head when you need to blow a load on the go, making her the world's first successful subject for portable fellatio. She can also eat herself out. Another noteworthy reference, she has claws and during one of her specials, she actually yells out "BERSERKER BARRAGE".. really, Mike Z..
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Painwheel, Age 15

Painwheel is an emo and just like Ms. Fortune, a victim of guro. Once a schoolgirl, she was kidnapped by Valentine in a van offering free candy (literally- both voice actors of said characters confirm this to be canon. Later retconned in the mobile game as she just got caught up in some mob take-down ambush). She was taken to the Anti-Skullgirls lab where she was augmented with parasites and infused with Skullgirl blood that turned her into Spawn but with a large sharp swastika that she uses to cut teh jews with. Like all women, she's an unstable mess and butthurt about everything. She is also under the control of the psychic pokemon, Brain Drain. Her name is a pun on pinwheel, which is a gay little metallic propeller on a stick that spins in the wind that is popular with old people, little girls on tricycles, and fags.
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Valentine, Age 25

By far the only awesome character in the game. Valentine is a nurse-ninja. Picture House mixed with Ninja Gaiden as a female. Once a member of a special forces under the Anti-Skullgirl Lab's head company, Lab Zero. Valentine and her team where sent to murder the Skullgirl but were all raped by her. Valentine was the only survivor and was forced to be the Skullgirl's bitch. Like her ancestors in Nazi Germany, Valentine has adopted the ways of conducting horrible medical experiments on helpless little girls, namely Painwheel. Her desires are unknown and she is said to be a cold bitch.
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Double, Age of your mother

At first glance, Double appears to be a nun but that is just a disguise. Double's true form is a trap for any sick fuck thinking of including her in their nun fap folder (Disregard that, people still fap to her as seen in the gallery below) ugly alien-squid horror that will make tubgirl look hawt. All that is known about this fem Shang-Tsung is that she aids the Skullgirl with whatever she commands.
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Marie aka Skullgirl aka OG Bloody Marie, Age 12 or 14

The Skullgirl and the Final Boss. Her bio claims that she is from the same region as Peacock. Just like Painwheel, she was raped and mutilated by the slave masters. Once Marie got control of the skullheart, she wanted to deliver the amount of anal rape received by her and Peacock. Instead, skullheart corrupted her and now she is the new Skullgirl. She has become a threat to the world and is now ready to destroy it. She also has a lesbo crush on Peacock.
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Squigly, Age 14 at death, It's not rape if they're dead

Once a noisy bitch opera singer, the mob decided they had enough of her shitty singing. The degos sent their top hitwomen named Black Dahlia to kill her family and sewed her mouth shut so she couldn't sing again. Eventually, she died of starvation and became a zombie 14 years later due to be a part of the Skullgirl's Personal Army. Instead, her snake like parasite, Leviathan, saved her from this and she staggers on to fight for the skullheart. Since she was 14 the time she died and was resurected 14 years later, she is actually 28 making her the second oldest female next to Eliza, so fap on you necrophilic pedobears. Has a ZONE color palette because of all the adult characters they have, he gave it to the zombie child.
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Umbrella, Age 10

Named after the item that you use to shield yourself from the rain or even sunlight, guess who this waste of money is related to? Luckily she might not be on the roster for this game in part because the fanboys wanted cooler looking characters.
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Robo Fortune, Still being manufactured

Because Ms. Fortune's voice actor joked about a robot version of the character and put on a robot voice, the SG fanboys took it srsly and Mike Z, like a hayseed, decided to fit Robo Fortune into the budget. She's a shoe-in for furries who happen to be fans of the Nickelodeon TV show, My Life as a Teenage Robot. She is the last DLC to be produced and made most fans to stop playing after Mike Z stopped giving a shit about this game (telling from her lackluster story mode).
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Big Band, Age 49

Some fanboys have the nerve to whine "WTF, BIG BAND IS NOT A GURLLL! HE'S A DOOD! THE GAME IS SKULLGIRLS NOT SKULL PEOPLE!. These retards are sexist and ignorant, as the word "girls" appearing in a title doesn't mean that there will only be girls in the game. Look at X-Men, a few members are female despite the name. The same applies to Skullgirls, and Big Band is the first playable male character. Once a cop, he was fucked up by some criminals for being the pig that he is. Horridly mutilated, there was no other choice than to invest 6 mil to rebuild him stronger, faster, and shittier (It took Mike Z hundreds of thousands in donations to make him). Big Band is now a half man, half saxophone fighter who uses music and sound to fight since he is armless. If this sounds stupid to you, congratulations on not being completely retarded.
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Beowulf, Age 37

With his fear of feminazi skanks protesting that his brain child is sexist, Mike Z decided to include a few dudes in the game. This is much like office firms hiring that one black guy to get Jessie Jackson off their ass. A veteran wrestler, Beowulf was the furry equivalant of The Rock in the Canopy Kingdom back in his days. He was the top motherfucking champion after he murdered some mongoloid and his raging mom in the ring. He became legend until, like every wrestler whose popularity gasses their ego to compensate for their penis shrinking due to years of steroid abuse, decided to try his hand at acting. However, his acting career mirrors that of Hulk Hogan's as the movies were at best, shit tier. For this, his legacy was forever tarnished and he faded into obscurity. After years of being a basement dweller, sobbing watching his old highlights and masturbating to teens, Beowulf decides to come out of his retirement to save Canopy Kingdom as a way to get back into the spotlight by beating the Skull Girl. He is idolized by Cerabella, who had given him some backstage apreciation on a few occasions.
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Eliza, Age Secret..

Let's just say this bitch is at least 100. This Cleopatra wannabe is a famous at the night club she sings at. She is also known to be mysterious as no one knows her real age because they're too fucking dense to see that Eliza is actually a vampiric harpy from Eygpt who had been stealing blood from her own blood drive charity. It's the perfect front for her scam when she's not sucking blood out of the cocks and cunts of her prey. Eliza is actually infused with a parasite known as Sekhmet who acts as her skeleton that allows her to stay young eternally as long as she drinks blood. She also is able to use period blood from her snatch for battle. Because of her bed bug tactics, the mob caught on with her and black mailed her into getting the Skull Heart for them, or have them expose her for the nasty cunt she is. Mike baited Eliza with she was going to have some cool blood mechanics before he dropped it after she won because it was too hard to program.
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Fukua, Age Straight outta the test tube

This is what happens when the creators run out of ideas. Mike Z didn't have ideas at the time so he released Fukua without warning, decided to release her on April 1st but played it off as a prank to his fans. Basically, a Filia rehash. The same faggot who enslaved PainWheel, Brain Drain, wanted to stick his cock into Filia's chubby twat. He was almost successful at it too if it hadn't been for an apparent sting operation by Chris Hansen to catch sick fucks trying to bang 16 year old girls. He also was insecure as he felt that Filia would have laughed him out for his penis being small. Brain Drain devised a plan to clone Filia and out shat Fukua, same as Filia but with hair that won't gamble and drink. However, Fukua is not even canon so she doesn't fucking matter. Oh and interesting fun fact, her name is Fukua. Let's removed the letter "a" and seperate the letter "u" and capitalize it. You'll get Fuk U, this is what Mike Z really thinks of Skullgirls fans. Funny enough, Lots of people like playing her more than Filla.






E-beg-athon and Salty Balls

Mike Z
You can help by contributing to this.

Not long after the release of Skullgirls, the team that worked on the game was laid off by Reverge Studio. It seems they got sued by the record company Def Jam (yeah, they make games too) because of some bullshit. This was surely done out of jealousy, as Def Jam had been butthurt that their venture into the game industry consisted of shitty fighting games featuring rappers having nigga moments. Def Jam sued, Reverge cut corners, and Skullgirls' fate seemed sealed. Kike Z and Alex Ahad had one final romp of buttsecks before they were going to an hero until someone gave them the bright idea to start their own company. They became Lab Zero. They started without any money. It only got worse from there.

The entire Skullgirls team had to resort to e-begging the fans for funds to improve their abortion of a video game. They started a donation drive on the Indiegogo website, dubbed Keep Skullgirls Growing(they would do this shit again with their new game, Indivisible). That is when they revealed that the cost of creating one shitty, unstable character was hundreds of thousands of dollars. This included hiring voice actors, graphic artists, hit-boxes, animators, pocky, etc etc. Fans who donated $6 got wallpapers and a chance to vote, others who donated $30 and more got a Steam code for when it's released, wallpaper soundtrack, dildos. Fans that donated $600 and moar got a custom Skullgirls fight stick and laughed at by people who actually have lives(plus can put their shitty OC as background character and or give a reference palette(like MLP or Homestuck) into the game To their suprise, Mike Z and Ahad watched the money practically pour in as there are many more pathetic losers in the world than they had expected. Exceeding their initial donation goal, they decided to hold a vote for moar characters, voice packs which included Parasoul using profanity even though it is a T-rated game, valley girl Painwheel voice pack,red states Double, drunken announcer, an even more annoying female announcer, and Kike Z lending his 13 year old cracking voice to do a Soviet announcer who constantly yells, just for shits and giggles. Furthermore, Kike Z is lending the Z engine to the creators of Fighting Is Magic, a MLP fighting game which the bronies are clopping over.

Celebrating this victory like a virgin after his first kiss, Mike Z and Ahad hosted a tournament in a friend's restaurant called Salty Cupcakes. This live-streaming circle jerk to their success e-begging gave birth to new announcements and hours of pointless conversations between SG staff and fans. Many pathetic basement dwellers watched the live feed of nothing but SG matches and Mike Z being a self-absorbed douche bag while trying to hit on Christina Vee. Christina rejected him with a firm "Hands off the Panda!".

It is confirmed that since the creation of this article 2 years ago that this circle jerk that is hosted in Salty Cupcakes is still going on strong every Saturday night.

That ain't a patch, that's a fuckin duvet

After realizing that SG is still fucked up and incomplete post-release, the dev team released a huge-ass 590MB patch to plug a gaping hole in that failboat. But not to Xbox 360 players - Micro$oft had a 4MB size limit on patches. Which means that the SG team exceeded this limit by 14750%. The SG team more or less shrugged and told X-box owners, "Oh well. sucks to be you" with the patches/updates only being available on the PS3. XBox 360 players had to wait until May 2013 to get the full 1.01 "Slightly Different Edition" with all the new loli characters, nude skins, tag-team mode and a less laggy online mode.

The game has been released on Steam as well re-released on the former platforms, yet you won't find anyone playing this shit.

Pop Culture references in Skullgirls

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You thought Duke Nukem stealing catchphrases was bad? Duke saying "Groovy" from Evil Dead, "Yippie Kai Yay Motherfucker!" from Die Hard or even the classic "It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum.. and I'm all out of gum!" from They Live were just innocent nods to such movie classics. No matter how pissed off Bruce Campbell was for 3D Realms for stealing catch phrases from Ash, he should really count his blessings because the geniuses behind Skullgirls at Lab Zero have gone above and beyond. Here's a list of what they rip off.. ADD MOAR!

  • Maybelline beauty company slogan - Peacock
  • Garbage Day - Peacock
  • "Winners don't use drugs!" that ol' message on those primitive arcade cabinets - Parasoul
  • Sonic The Hedgehog - one of Filia's attacks called "hairball"
  • Za Warudo - Fucking Cockpea again
  • Berserker Barrage - Ms. Fortune
  • Battletoads - Cerebella's arm hat thingy
  • OM NOM NOM - Ms. Fortune's special
  • Robocop - What Big Band basically is
  • It's super effective - one of the announcer's many match end phrases.

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