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From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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Breakingnews.gif Breaking news!
Holy shit! Soccer is so corrupt that FIFA's president resigned a week after been voted in

Not to be confused with: Handegg.

Association Football (also known as Football to Limey cunts, the poor and Mexicans; Soccer to Illocigal fat retards and Koala shaggers; Commieball to Ann Coulter, and Divegrass to pathetic /sp/artans) is a playground activity that consists of people chasing a ball for 2 hours only to end with a score of zero-zero. It was invented by public school children in the Land of Poofs to determine which team would get to fuck the others' sisters. Losers who showed particular valour on the field got a reach-around.


Is there crying in Soccer?

I didn't win the tournament, daddy.

Yes, there is.

The world cup only comes every four years, and even players with long careers may only play in two or three world cups. But that doesn't mean they should fucking cry about it every time they lose. For example, take Cristiano Ronaldo: a famous young player from Portugal. He gets more money than a Hassidic Jew in one Speed Stick commercial and more ass than a toilet seat, and yet he cries like a little bitch. The reason is because he keeps getting sick of being pwnd in the ass by his teammates, and thus plays well in the hope they will finally get him out of the club. Instead, the only club he gets is up his ass every Friday night.

Victoria Beckham and the entire Argentinian team also became infamous for crying during the 2006 World Cup. That's right. Beckham's wife had to do his crying for him. He had failed to bring home a few other young studs for a gay orgy and one Gentleman.

Zidane was crying on the inside when Materazzi called his sister a whore that got it in the ass last night from the whole Italian side. FIFA decided in favor of the Italian, since he who speaks the truth deserves no punishment.

A little spank on the ass by their coaches and teammates usually cheers the "players" right up, though nothing could ever take away from the massive ignominy of having cried in front of a billion people because you couldn't get your ball inside the goal.

As a playing strategy, professional soccer players routinely throw themselves on the ground in a spastic tantrum. The objective is to make a perceived foul committed by a player on the opposing team appear far more egregious than it actually is because they broke down and cried rather than taking it like a man. The performance is reminiscent of a 3 year old child in the supermarket whose request for candy is denied.

How gay is soccer?

Only slightly, I'm sure you'll agree

Epithets with Explanations

Soccer is for faggots.jpg
  • Goalkeeper — one who is nonconsensually fellated. Or might have a dildo up his anus.
  • Defender — A player who tries to prevent sodomisation of his team mates.
  • Midfielder — Any player who is fucked in the mouth and ass simultaneously.
  • Striker — someone who sneaks up and then fucks you in the ass.
  • Bend (it like Beckham)British slang, where "bent" means gay (because it's literally "not straight").
  • Dutchie — it is a proven fact that the entirety of the Netherlands plays way too much soccer.
  • French — the entire male population of France is soccer mad, which is why studs are imported from Algeria. Unfortunately, most Algerians are Muslim, a religion that bans consensual sex with women except in Paradise.
  • German — it is a know fact that Germans are playing the most shittiest soccer of all, but still almost always win due to unknown reasons
  • Goal — possibly rhyming slang derived from the idiom smoke a pole, meaning "to fellate".
  • Score — this refers to penetration of the anal sphincter.
  • Foul — Any act of heterosexuality during a match.
  • Yellow Card — Too many penises in the mouth.
  • Red Card — Liking women.
  • Pitch — The field of "play." Alternately, an anal DP.

Popular Football leagues


It shouldn't be a huge surprise to anyone that everyone inside FIFA are massively corrupt. But somehow the only country that doesn't do soccer set out to stop corruption and spread freedom all over the world, by actually arresting all the corrupt FIFA members. The corruption ran so deep that despite it only been a week since he got re-elected FIFA's president Sepp Blatter fucking resigned, just to avoid being exposed even further.

FIFA vice president uses The Onion as evidence

After being arrested for corruption, former FIFA vice president Jack Warner set out to prove that all of FIFA was corrupt, and he was like totally innocent. And what was his masterplan? To provide evidence from the satirical and unfunny online newspaper The Onion. Yes, the same one even your mom has wised so much up to, that she no longer shares it on Facebook.

Trolling the Footballfags

Have you ever been in the internetz and all of the sudden some British soccerfag appears? He's now speaking of OMG HOW COOL SOCCER IZZ OMGG!! Well here's the best way to make them epic butthurt, really trust ED; it works 100% all the time!

From here, you can obtain some smart quotes to make any soccer fan butthurt.

How to troll them? Easy. Pick any quote of your choice, copy it and paste it. In seconds you'll receive an epic butthurt. Follow the example:

Twenty-one guys stand around and one guy does a tap dance with the ball.


—Jim Murray

There's no honor in soccer


—Alex Lalas, soccer participant

The human body has arms, hands, shoulders, and a brain - why can't you incorporate these into your sport (sic) of soccer?


—John Leinaweaver

Previous Quote | Next Quote

All of these above and more can be located here


In order to master the game of soccer, one must practice. See the following for instruction:

In this video, as in all soccer contests, balls are touching.
This is how soccer should be played by all players.

Previous Video  |  Next Video


Despite its inane faggotry, Soccer occasionally provides lulz. It's mainly when the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

In football, the field is watered down with golden showers

Typical crazed soccer hooligan really trying his best.

Soccer players are sick fucks, that's why they like porn on the pitch.

A typical soccer player
Soccer players in the wild
More Soccer players in the wild

Previous Video  |  Next Video

Video games

Due to the significant correlation between soccer fans and gamers (as both have no social lives, girlfriends, or personal hygiene), video game developers have made amazing video games based on soccer. The Football Manager series is of particular note:

German winning at Football Manager. Actually it's Unreal Tournament, but this deliberate mistranslation is more funny.

Console owners have a wide variety of games to choose from, varying from FIFA ## to Pro Evolution Soccer ##. The people behind the games display unfathomable generosity by endeavoring every year to release a new version of the games every season incorporating important roster updates. They also feature the opportunity to relive soccer's greatest matches, such as Israel's 2998-19 victory over the United States.

These games have spawned tournaments where gamers meet to try and win the tournament. There are no concrete rules, but similar to other tournament games, there are some unwritten laws governing tournaments:

Notable Players

On the internet

Soccer on the internets generally consists of 13-year old boys arguing for their selected team in a type of faggotry called 'banter'. This usually consists of:

Both participants can then leave feeling they've had an intelligent debate, and planning a career in sport journalism.

Team Abbreviation Combinations

Ever tune to a soccer game and you see the mini scoreboard and you see that the countries' names are abbreviated, such as Germany is GER, Russia is RUS, Wales is WAL, etc.? These are the most funniest ones we found:

(By far the most funniest and most controversial)

  • Nigeria vs. Germany (NIG GER)

Other, less funny combos

  • Wales vs. Russia (WAL RUS)
  • Finland vs. Germany (FIN GER)
  • Madagascar vs. Farie Islands (MAD FRO)
  • Barbados vs. Cook Islands (BRB COK)
  • Bangladesh vs. Netherlands (BAN NED)
  • Bangladesh vs. Germany (BAN GER)
  • Haiti vs. Guiana (HAI GUY)
  • Jamaica vs. Mauritania (JAM MTN)

more to come as soon as Anon wakes up


GOAL-lery About missing Pics

See also

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is part of a series on
the ED Special Olympics

BaseballBasketballButtrapeCricketProfessional WrestlingSoccerHandeggHockeyGhost RidingVuvuzelaMMA

Not Sports

BulletballPaulPolandballSex • /sp/ • StarcraftSuper Smash BrosVideo GamesGolfHema


OlympicsSpecial OlympicsLondon 2012Olympic FlameLOLympics2010 World Cup


SportTeam UruguayNew York YankeesRed Sox NationChicago Cubs/sp/


Air BudAllison StokkeBarry BondsBilly MartinBrandon PhillipsBrett FavreBruce JennerCindy CrosbyDiego MaradonaGary LinekerGeorge SteinbrennerJim BunningJohn TerryKlitschko brothersLawrence TaylorMichael PhelpsMike TysonNodar KumaritashviliRax GrissmanRobert GreenRon MexicoShawn JohnsonThurman ThomasTy CobbZinedine Zidane

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