Our Solar System is comprised of a single star and a multitude of celestial-bodies which rotate around it; all of which formed following the collapse of a giant molecular cloud of DOOM less than 9000 years ago, according to scripture. It is the setting of the two Star Wars trilogies and more importantly, the home to everything we call lulz. It is also a list of discrete members, and like dinosaurs and rocks, so acts like nectar to autists everywhere.
The fact is the solar system is an invented construct, existing only in the minds of astronomers, no two of which agree on it's members, boundaries, or anything else having to do with it. Armed with only Bill Nye the Science Guy by way of education, in step the aspies. They insist that their understanding is holy writ, and anyone who disagrees is clearly educated stupid. The best example is the Pluto drama of 200whateverthefuck, where every aspie came out of their e-caves to moan at the addition of “dwarf” to the classification of Pluto. The change was made to reflect the evolving understanding of the specifics of Pluto, including the fact that it's orbit is significantly affected by it's neighbors, and that many objects it's size exist within the solar system. These facts mean absolutely nothing to the mind of an autist, and so angry letters were sent to people with no control, YouTube comments were angrily thumbs-upped, and short-lived Facebook petitions were signed en masse. Surprisingly, the delicate gravitational balance of the 113,050,000,000,000,000,000,000 kilogram object 5 billion kilometers from the sun did not change in response to this outpouring of unemotive sentiment.
There are no astronomers on the internet. Anyone trained as an astronomer is currently sucking black cock behind a liquor store to supplement their unemployment checks. Astronomer on the internet means someone who read half a dozen Wikipedia pages on stars and watched all of the Cosmos series while super high. They can be found lurking yahoo answers copypasting answers to middle school homework questions, or posting in astronomy forums about how well their overpowered overpriced looking glass lets them barely see Saturn. Nothing that can be seen by a fumbling amateur in a corn field with a commercial telescope hasn't been captured in ridiculously high definition by actual astronomers. The only reason to buy a giant ass telescope and haul it into an empty field and spend two hours calibrating it to catch a fuzzy image of a tiny red dot in the sky is to show off to friends on internet forums. PROTIP: These forums make excellent places to get feedback on your stargazing themed erotica.
The idea of the solar system, being an invention of humanity affects nothing whatsoever, and so attracts spurgs like Mexican roofers to a taco truck. Perhaps the single most pointless of the Wikipedia edit wars, archive page after archive page is crammed full with tasty aspie tears shed over whether of not both words of the solar system are capitalized. Neither side did much but cite examples, hoping that repetition will win converts for the first time ever. After four votes, it was decided that both should be capitalized, for reasons not entirely clear to either side. This has stopped exactly no one from calling it whatever the fuck they want. All other edits are attempts to add whatever golf ball sized rock NASA scientists point to this week to justify their jobs. Any time a body within the bounds of the solar system is mentioned in the popular press, a flurry of edits attempt to add it to the list of planets, no matter the size, orbit, or reality of the body. It need hardly be said that none of the editors have any training, experience, or knowledge of any sort in the subject of astronomy.
Don't expect the trolling to be much easier than you would might have expected. The ability to troll a planet, is insignificant, next to the power of the force.
- Change each and every instance of “the sun” to “Sol”, like the queer who wrote the first draft of this article.
- Invent myths from cultures about the moon, with bonus points to inventing cultures to match.
- Include a picture of the solar system to scale, as requested.
- Use the Death Star to blow the entire Solar System up, if you're Darth Vader of course, but You will never be able to anyway.
—Serendipodous. Circa 2005.
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|The Sun||Mercury||Venus||Earth||The Moon||Mars||Jupiter||Saturn||Uranus||Neptune||Pluto||Space||Nibiru|
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