Special Education

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Typical speshul edjoomacayshun styoodunt.

Special Education (officially known as the retard class or the United States) is a way for retards to get a lighter version of education that normal people usually receive when they're in school. Compared to the latter, special education is like school, but dumbed down for the retarded. The retard class got its name from the way the US does tracking. The US does tracking and the retards are put into the vocational track where they are taught basic skills such as avoiding walls. Other countries that aren't the US don't heavily rely on the tracking system, so the retard class doesn't exist as often in other countries. This also explains why many countries don’t have a good rapport with the US in political relations.

Legal Matters

Because of the constant fear of a multi-million-dollar harassment or discrimination lawsuit all for the mere utterance of words other than carefully selected euphenisms to describe some type of intellectual disability, school staff and administrators (and even students) are required to use words from the Orwellian newspeak dictionary such as "special needs," "special learning difficulties," "learning disability," in order not to offend students and parents who might choose to sue the school and school district for millions of dollars (which they and their attorneys can greedily stuff down their pockets and purchase fancy things) if they hear the unadulterated truth about the grim and horrendous predicament that most special education placements are permanently entrapped in. To put it simply, calling your special education classmate "stupid," "slow," or "a retard" may result in an ugly legal battle which could last for years, all to make sure that you don't hurt the sensitive feelings of the retarded and mentally deficient.

How to Get Into the Retard Class

  1. Act socially retarded and the school will excuse you for Assburger's Syndrome.
  2. Fail your academic classes intentionally. Don't stop. Keep on doing it until they lose patience and put you into the retard classes. Once you are fully admitted into the retard classes, you don't have to be in the most annoying place in the world: Resource Room
  3. Score below average on a standardized IQ test such as the WAIS-IV and Stanford Binet.
  4. Get suspended by going on TOW and looking at porn, and putting the photos on the desktop so everyone who walks by will see it.
  5. Change to your gym clothes when you have Phys.Ed in the hallways, but do it when the coach is looking. (Just taking your pants off will suffice.)
  6. When the principal asks you to go to the alternative school, say no. (In reality, alternative schools are used as a "dumping ground" for the losers who aren't popular).
  7. Impersonate these useless school administrators by abusing their email addresses. Here is the link to use: [1]
  8. Watch as they desperately get the Information Technology specialists to find out who the insane person is. (But of course, don't use computers that require you to login with your name and don't do it where everyone knows who you are. A large school where people don't know you is the best place.)
  9. ???
  10. PROFIT!

How It's Done

Say you're in 12th grade and that retarded friend of yours is in 12th grade as well, except that he has the education of a 7th grader. Special education limits what retards learn in order to keep them from knowing too much. They are also kept separate from other normies since their teachers fear awkward behaviors involving saliva and even the possibility of feces. Such is the case in real life, since they are socially and mentally unfit for society. Special education classes usually take place in a single classroom, where it's the teacher, their assistant and a whole gaggle of drooling and babbling idiots. Downies are then thrown into the mix for they learn at a much slower rate than the average student because their feeble minds are too small to comprehend the true purpose of their lives, and are purposely kept out of the public eye to avoid needless drama, which comes at a price for those who only want to stare and laugh.

Out of the Hugbox and Into the Hall

Retards in Special Ed seldom leave their classroom and are segregated from the normal kids during school assemblies and lunch periods because of their threat to the vital integrity of the cool kids. Usually, they're away from the likes of jocks and scenesters and are in their own little groups along with their ever-so vigilant supervisors, babbling away and slobbering all over the table. Even nerds and emo kids seem cooler than retards.

Why Special Education?

About 100 years ago people used to pay to see retards in their natural environment so they could thank God he didn't make them like that. Unfortunately for people today, they are allowed in schools so the mundanes can learn how to deal with wild retards from an early age. Nao, children can learn to deal with retards in the playground and if things get out of hand, the drooling beasts can be dragged back to their cages before they damage something more valuable than them - such as a normal student, flowers or the class hamster.

The Future

After Special Education students graduate from high school, they often live on Social Security from the government as compensation for being born as a fucktard (and to keep them off the streets as well.) Otherwise, they'd stay at home in their parent's basement until they're 42 (unless they die of AIDS before they turn 20). Rarely do these retards ever get a chance to work or even scarcer hold down a job because of their socially awkward tendencies and limited knowledge. Depending on how concerned and/or Jew their parents are, they may alternatively enter a Vocational Independence Program.

Some argue that these societal leeches can indeed be self-sufficient, and to this end, the bleeding-heart, liberal agenda disguised as "affirmative action" comes riding to the rescue, like some kind of sick, sad Retard Rangers.

The supporters and instigators of Affirmative Action force decent, and otherwise law-abiding national chains such as Wal-Mart and Safeway, to hire a specific percentage of 'tards to fill staff positions that normal people or mainstreamers would find non-challenging, tedious and dead end. The 'tard in question will find it filled with endless challenges, excitement and chances for opportunity and advancement, which is further proof positive of the delusional mindset of the average 'tard.

Co-workers are forced to suffer the presence of these blights on society and tolerate the extra stress they bring to the workplace. Adding to the stress of the situation, the 'tard hireling is graced with lowered expectations in the area of job performance, being allowed to get away with all manner of shit from packaging an order wrong to embarrassing verbal outbursts that would have any normal person pitched to the curb looking for another job. Thus co-workers are often left picking up the slack and mopping up the piss Herpdy Derpdy leaves like a snail trail behind him as he jerkily wanders the aisles, making customers uncomfortable.

The wage of the 'tard is subsidized by the government in some jurisdictions in the form of a "wage matching program". What this means, is that if the business in question pays the 'tard $6 per hour, the government will match that wage, dollar for dollar. So it doesn't matter if you've slaved at your current shithole job for 20 years and risen to the rank of assistant supervisor, only to be making a measly $10/hr., that 'tard up at the checkouts who can't stop staring at the cute check-out girl's tits and has a frustrating tendency to pick his nose in full view of the public? He'll be making $12/hr. from the start and be working easy hours too with a special rule set drawn up and laid out just for him. No overtime for the drooler!

God(s) help you if you so much as breathe at an Affirmative Action 'tard the wrong way in the workplace! The 'tard will get away with bloody blue murder when it comes to behavior, but if you're caught making even the slightest joke at their expense, you'll be suspended without pay and forced to take some sort of in-house company program such as "anger management" or "sensitivity training". If you refuse, you'll be shitcanned, and since where you work is the only place within 10 miles to get food, you'll have to return, food stamps in hand to have your groceries bagged by the idiotic, vacant, vapid, smiling face of the retard who got you fired in the first place. It's at this point you'll realize that going postal does, in fact, hold a special, alluring appeal that you seem to have overlooked before.

This is the usual parasitic lifestyle of the average retard living off your tax money, unless one retard wants to make a career publishing crap that no one will ever read and become wildly famous, in which case more power to them.

After Graduation

Here's a few jobs that retards have been known to work post-graduation.


Special Education is part of a series on Education

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