Star Wars is an overrated series of sci-fag movies and merchandise created by George Lucas in the 1970's.
Star Wars has a SHITLOAD of spin-offs, backstory, and merchandise creating a whole new breed of Turbo-Nerds HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS, ever since Disney bought the rights to the series every piece of Star Wars literature has been deemed non-canon so Disney can make moar money. In the whole craze, George Lucas and his nigger wife have pocketed more money than he knows what to do with. Experts speculate he uses $100 bills to wipe his ass.
What is Star Wars? Take World War II and put it in space. To save you 15 hours: Atkins is young powerful space samurai. He gets tricked into being RoboHitler and starts a Space Holocaust. After his son pwns him, he gets troll's remorse and saves the day before killing himself.
- 1 A New Hope
- 2 George Lucas is a Whore
- 3 Spin Offs
- 4 Star Wars: Holiday Special
- 5 How fucking long does it take to become a jedi?
- 6 Remix
- 7 Moar Shit
- 8 Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace - Now in 3D!
- 9 Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones
- 10 Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith
- 11 Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens
- 12 ALL THIS SHIT IS NO LONGER CANON
- 13 Turkish Star Wars (Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam)
- 14 Star Wars and Fat Kids
- 15 Star Wars Fan Boys
- 16 Star Fan Wars
- 17 Criticism
- 18 Star Wars: The Disney Saga
- 19 Twi'leks
- 20 Videos
- 21 Gallery
- 22 See Also
- 23 External Links
A New Hope
Star Wars first appeared in the form of a film in 1977. Its sci-fi storyline set within the framework of a eastern film with Nazi Mysticism was unheard of at the time, and the studio thought it was going to be a box office bomb. It was also the first movie ever to use cheesy Windows Movie Maker wipe-away transitions. (Only a nerd under the age of 40 would say that, of course -- Lucas ripped off a whole series of visual elements from old Flash Gordon serials of the 1930s. The guy is a chronic thief and so is Microsoft.) Unfortunately, the film became extremely popular, and produced an entire generation of basement dwellers that compulsively masturbated to fanart of Princess Leia and Jabba the Hutt.
Most of the themes for the first Star Wars movie (later subtitled A New Hope) came from the Akira Kurosawa classic The Hidden Fortress (隠し砦の三悪人). In this movie a pair of bickering and self-involved peasants - one short, one tall - accompany a warrior and a princess (who learns humility along the journey) to the safety of her kingdom. The borrowing is most obvious during a sequence in which the two peasants take separate paths only to both be captured by the same enemy, find each other in amongst a horde of prisoners, and then cross paths with the warrior.
Whether the Western film influences in Star Wars are surviving elements from The Hidden Fortress (Kurosawa was known for borrowing from western films), or George Lucas' own is really none of your business. Because sucking off George Lucas' cock is my business and mine alone.
George Lucas is a Whore
After Star Wars hit it big at the box office, George Lucas spent all his money on nigger shoes for his nigger wife and as many hamburgers as he could pack into his swollen wattle (See also: Michael Moore). Unfortunately his stomach was a little larger than his wallet and so, now too fat for whoring himself out, he did the next best thing - lunchboxes. Lunchboxes, breakfast cereals, cardboard Halloween decorations, condoms, tennis shoes, television shows, dildos, gay prostitutes - anything. Star Wars was now not a movie but a marketing machine driven by Lucas' insatiable hunger.
The absolute pinnacle of this marketing frenzy was the 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special, which really deserves its own article due to the sheer amount of foul things that can be said about it, but I'm too fucking lazy to make it myself (an article has been written on it now).
Star Wars was followed by two sequels, Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, in 1980 and 1983. The two, notably the former due to it's lack of pure concentrated autism resulting in the only example of a fairly decent movie in this series, are notable for being improved dramatically by Lucas allowing other people to direct them, and for the ever-increasing numbers of random aliens in the background who would show up as tiny plastic toys being sold for $8 later on. Also, Episode V contained a lulzy scene where Luke and Leia share a kiss, only for Luke to find out in the next movie that Leia is his sister.
Star Wars: Holiday Special
This is hands down the best episode out of all the Star Wars films. It starts off with Han Solo and his furry friend in a space ship racing off to Chewbacca's tree house to celebrate the Wookies' Life Day. One who sees the first 5 seconds already knows this is a piece of shit. It consists of uncircumcised dicks making music with bongs, a tranny version of Luke Skywalker and a whole family of furries jacking off to 2girls1cup. What's not to like? But best of all, there is no ending. It just randomly switches off to an advertisement for Star Wars toys.
There's a good chance you will wish to become an hero after a few minutes of watching this masterpiece film, as its message of love is extremely influential and will make you regret all the terrible things you have done in the past. It's recommended that you separate yourself from any weapons and/or lethal drugs until the shock wears off.
How fucking long does it take to become a jedi?
In A New Hope, Luke maybe got 3 days training from Ben. In Empire, he maybe got about 2 weeks from Yoda and in Jedi he maybe got another 3 more days before Yoda tolf him that he's finally a Jedi. So, maybe 3 or 4 weeks. 5 if you're slow. Even with this, fantards still get pissy about the Mary Sue character in The Force Awakens because she taught herself.
In the early '90s, Lucas decided it'd be pretty fucking hilarious to re-edit all three films and re-release them theatrically. It's probable that at this stage he was either under the control of Satan or his incredibly retarded "Skywalker Ranch" had eaten all his hamburgers.
He "remastered" the movies that everybody had grown up with to fit what he would later refer to as his "original vision". He cited numerous technical pitfalls and a lack of funding as his excuse for originally casting cult-icon Jabba The Hutt as a fat Irish man.
The "remastered" movies were a box office hit - mostly due to the fact that nobody had been able to see Star Wars in a theater for twenty years - but nobody liked them, not even after the third one was released and everyone discovered that Lucas had changed the Ewok song and given them more fireworks.
One of the most cited criticisms was Lucas' addition of the three-second cameo of cult-icon Boba Fett (Empire Strikes Back) into A New Hope, simply so he could release another plastic toy for him ($10)
Several years later, in organizing the DVD versions of Star Wars he made yet more additions and deletions, including the derided "Greedo Shoots First" - widely denounced as the "dumbest shit ever shat". In the final scene of the DVD release of Return of the Jedi, the ghost of Anakin Skywalker is changed from the original actor to prequel prettyboy Hayden Christensen, seeming to imply that Anakin Skywalker actually died 20 years ago, and not on the new Death Star a few hours earlier. This change is justified by the fucktarded defense, "Well, Anakin turned good just before he died so his ghost looks like he looked before he came Darth Vader."
In 1999 George Lucas unleashed The Phantom Menace, the three-hour long story of a pair of gay Jedis, Jar Jar Binks, a whiny princess, a young Darth Vader who is apparently Jesus, and a whole bunch of aliens that were pretty much racial stereotypes. The movie generated millions, despite being a crushing disappointment to fans of the films. Thousands of tiny plastic toys were sold.
Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones
In 2002 Attack of the Clones showed up in theaters, and by this time the little boy had become Chester Bennington of Linkin Park, and the Irish Jedi was gone but the Scottish Jedi was still there. The whiny Princess was apparently not a princess anymore, because on her planet Princesses are elected every four years - and for whatever the fuck reason, the pickaninny alien Jar-Jar Binks was a fucking Senator (who subsequently gave power to Senator Palpatine, thus setting the stage for the advent of the Galactic Empire, way to fucking go).
Also, in a shameless bid for hamburgers ($15), the bounty hunter known as Boba Fett was now a Maori, and a clone of his dad who was named JANGO! That's right, JANGO! (JANGO DEM KEYS) It turns out that the Clone Wars were fought by a bunch of Jango clones who were bored while waiting for rugby to be invented.
Cult horror actor Christopher Lee makes an appearance as Count Dooku (lol) and shares a hilarious scene with Yoda in which Yoda jumps and flips around and generally makes the movie into an early Jim Carrey film. This is widely cited as the only watchable piece of the entire movie, in spite of Lee's advanced arthritis, which you can notice when he shoots his Sith lighting all over Yoda.
The movie should have been a flop, but due to massive amounts of fanboys, the movie got a gajilion dollars within the first 6 seconds of its release and George Lucas can continue to rub his golden-plated cock with his Jew.
Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith
Lucas has released the final nail in the Star Wars coffin, which is titled Revenge of the Sith. The plot(or the semblance of it) is, Anakin gets pussy whipped and becomes Darth Vader, the Emperor kills Samuel L. Jackson, and Obi-Wan lets Anakin get burned alive/maimed out of revenge for Anakin joining the Dark Side.
It was expected to receive critical acclaim, but instead was rejected by some critics, who accused Lucas of turning the film into a historical docu-drama about the rise of George W Bush and Dick Cheney and the fucking up of Iraq for oil and nukes. Thus, the film only made $450 million as opposed to the usual $600 million, keeping Lucas rich and beautiful in spite of partisan bitching that he caused the final Star Wars film to tank. However, it is considered the BEST of the prequels. While this is true, that's like saying getting pissed on is better than getting shat on. You'd still smell bad regardless of which one happens to you.
Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens
LUCASFILM ANNOUNCED THE ENTIRE EXTENDED UNIVERSE IS NON-CANON SO THEY CAN MAKE ROOM FOR EPISODE VII AND BEYOND!!!11!! Walt Disney Presents Nigger Wars: Episode VII - The Feminists Awaken was released in December 2015, becoming the biggest opening of all time since you shat out of your mom's Sarlacc Pit. The movie received an A+ Cinemascore from women due to the presence of a flawless womyn who can use the Force from level 1, the portrayal of all young white males as evil Nazis, and a righteous brothaman named Jango who was sold into slavery by whitey and forced to wear white body armor as a symbol of systemic oppression. Jango becomes unchained, and the runaway slave steals vehicles, shoots and kills soldiers, steals clothing, drinks from hippo watering holes, tells people "you don't know me", runs away with white women, makes sure he "do me", hits on white women, and violently attacks white people. Jango was popular with female audiences since he was the type of guy they could date to prove they aren't racist and use to piss off daddy. The film broke records worldwide for the number of unsold black action figures since they looked like poop. Other titles considered for the film included A New Hope 2: Electric Boogaloo, We Need To Talk About Kylo, They're Paying Me HOW MUCH To Not Use My Voice, The Nigger With A Thousand Faces, Star Shit, Social Justice Wars, and I Just Want To Die Already J. J..
In Episode 7, SJWs send a female Luke to Tatooine to salvage the derelict Star Wars mythos for usable parts after George Lucas ran it into the fucking ground. After scavenging the original trilogy, mostly Episode 4 and some 5, she drags that old junk to a fat nostalgiafag collector Star Wars fan who will pay any price for a Lance Armstrong droid, which is no longer in its original packaging but does come with a limited edition hologram from the movie Prometheus.
In addition to the gender-swap Luke and the race-swap Token Stormtrooper, to complete the SJW underrepresentation trifecta, progressives have clamored for the ace fighter pilot who rams his phallic weapon into a deep trench and then fires his hot loads into a vulnerable hole to be a faggot.
Like all episodes of L O S T, Episode 7 contains elements of science fiction and the supernatural, a mysterious island, aircraft crashing, a lost main character, a black kid getting abducted, flashbacks, giant people for no reason, evil snoke, morbidly obese characters, torture, spooky apparitions, magical objects, ancient temples, a guy turning a crank, bald guys, countdown timers, people with broken legs, FTL travel, foreigners talking gibberish, references to child killing, people with psychic abilities, Greg Grunberg as a pilot, black people, bombs, azns, references to polar bears, a feisty white female lead who could play an elf, a visibly absent Dominic Monaghan, a story that makes no sense, people climbing down ladders, Ken Leung, it's vague on purpose so the writers can steal internet fan theories to write the next one, and it ends with a cliffhanger (on an actual cliff this time).
Ever since Disney tossed the Expanded Universe out the window, there was a significant deficit of Star Wars Mary Sues to be found, as Galen Marek was gone with the rest of them. JJ Abrams was on the ball, however, as he created an equally ridiculous character called "Rey". Not only is she a white female in love with a black male, but she also is the best pilot ever, can understand literally every language uttered during the movie, is an expert with a bow staff, knows Force at Level 1 that Yoda needed years to master, has magical visions from touching shit, is captured only so she can escape on her own, defeats the villain who had years of training and experience, is the center of attention for all the protagonists and antagonists, is the only character Han Solo instantly loves and is hugged by Leia, even though they've never met before. Oh, she's not a Mary Sue? You're right; she bumped the Millennium Falcon into the ground a little while taking off, so she's completely flawed now.
A global hacking group was able to obtain a copy of the movie by social engineering the underpaid Indian IT workers at the Jew run Walt Disney Studios.
JJ Abrams (Jew Jew Abrams) did to Star Wars what he did to the Star Trek movies he made. He rehashed the plot of previous movies and added no creativity. He also minimized the screen time of popular McCoy character and gave Uhuru a leading role because she's black. He then made Kirk into a juvenile delinquent. He goes a lot further in The Force Awakens.
The plot basically copies Star Wars a New Hope with small changes:
- Rey – Luke
- Finn – Han
- Poe –
- Luke, Leia, Chewbacca - Yoda, Mon Mothma, Chewbacca
- Han –
- Kylo Ren – Vader
- Hux – Tarkin
- Supreme Leader Snoke – Palpatine
- Captain Phasma
- Maz Kanata
- BB-8 - R2-D2
- Lor San Tekka - Captain Antilles
- Bala-Tik/Tasu Leech - Greedo
- Starkiller Base - Death Star
- Hosnian Prime - Alderaan
- Jakku - Tatooine
- Go to any store like a Best Buy selling tons of Star Wars Force Awakens merchandise and notice there are no toys of the black main character or any black characters unless the store is in a neighborhood full of black people. Instead there's lots of toys with storm troopers, masked Sith, and generic white rebel pilots. Hmmm... why is that? It would be because toy companies found that people rarely bought the black characters' toys. They'd rather buy a generic white character with no name in the film, even Hispanics and people from Asia (which had no major characters in the film).
- Han Solo dies! #HanSoloDies #SpoilStarWars
- Luke Skywalker is barely in it.
LOL JK, FUCK EU, it's discarded now"
Knights of the Old Republic
There are three games in the Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic franchise so far. The first involves an amnesiac Darth Revan trying to recall who s/he is (oh, spoilers, you're not supposed to learn the main character was Revan until near the end of the game, oops!) while recruiting a whiny guy, a loli Twi'lek, a Wookiee, a bitchy Jedi, a wise black man, a lesbian catgirl, two robots, and Mandalore.
The second game involves an exiled Jedi working with an amputated old woman and a team of a few idiots from the first game, plus new characters. It was rushed for release because LucasArts wanted Obsidian to churn it out before Holiday 2004. So a lot of content was cut out.
The third is the MMORPG. It hasn't been released yet, but it is hyped up to hell and back. Because OMG IT'S GOING TO BE THE WOW-KILLER (TOO BAD IT WAS FOR NOTHING, FAGGOTS). Maybe it won't have Jedi everywhere. And maybe this time one of its developers won't kill himself after putting in a game-breaking update that caused thousands of players to leave the game.
It has been announced that in the 3rd instalment, there will be a sequence where Gaylen is fighting the entire Imperial Fleet, flying through space without a space-suit on, slicing through star destroyers and at the end, crushes the 3rd Death Star with his mighty powers.
Star Wars: Force Unleashed 2: Electric Boogaloo
They gave Gaylen another glow-stick. Also it's a short game.
Since fanboys apparently didn't have enough semen all over their Limited Edition Star Wars trilogy DVDs with the original theatrical releases, various authors everywhere decided it would be a great idea to write numerous books expanding the Star Wars universe. These masterpieces contain some of the biggest penis-sucking fanboy-overload of cock-gobbling fuckfests ever printed on paper. The undeniable truth is that unless you are a raging fanboy you probably have never read or even heard of these books (implying that you actually read of course).
The gay events of these books are including, but not limiting to: Han and Leia's kids, Chewbacca dying (:<) Death Star II 2: Electric Boogaloo, explanation of how Boba Fett survives the Sarlacc Pit, explanation of how Darth Maul and Samuel L. Jackson survive falling to their death in the movies, history of the Sith, how The Emporer comes back to life 5 TIMES (srsly), and an entire fucking saga of Boba Fett.
Turkish Star Wars (Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam)
That's right Turkish Star Wars. Not only does Turkish Star Wars include exploding rocks, epic maneuvers, and a salad of healing, but it breaks every copyright law ever to exist in any form of entertainment. The movie includes no legible plot, downtime, English, Furries (I ain't complainin'), or anything else that would ruin a movie. Sadly, Samuel L. Jackson was not in this movie. This movie does include: all of the above, cardboard sword, limbless lobsters, AIDS, and mummies.
The Plot is about Earth getting completely destroyed every time some years after 2000's, by space aliens, and the chunks that Earth gets blasted reform for humanity to rebuild.Some of these parts fly into space, and one of the rocks that flew to space is full of Arab and evil alien overlord who is 1000 years old and requires blood of the fallen humans to survive. 2 brave Turkish Pilots lead a defense force against this Alien Overlord and accidentally crash unto this small planetoid. Abandoning their ships and looking for help, the duo get attacked by Stormtroopers with swords and horses. They kill them and find out that this place is a rock that flew away from Turkey and contains the remnants of 13th Tribe. They try to kill the Alien King but cannot defeat his army of furries. Thus they start to train with cardboard rocks and rub salad of healing on their skins to get better. Still they get captured when they go to a bar full of aliens and shitty music from whatever cantina Star Wars had, and the furries try to mummify them. Anyway, they find some wooden sword of light that cuts everything apart, one of them betrays the other and dies, and Our surviving hero cleaves the Alien King in two.
Star Wars and Fat Kids
In keeping with the Internets phenomena of fat people making embarrassing videos of themselves, a young Canadian boy-whore named Ghyslain Raza (sounds like a Star Wars faggot!) secretly made a video of himself messing about and pretending a golf ball retriever was a Lightsaber. His mean-spirited classmates then put the video on the internets, thus spawning the Star Wars Kid. He actually sued the tits off of them, settled out of court. Apparently, Ghyslain's classmate intended to upload videos of the fat boy getting butt-raped by his gay friend and enjoying it, but the wrong video was obtained.
The overweight X-Wing pilot Jek Porkins is a role-model for fat kids, Kevin Smith and neckbeards worldwide, because he can pilot his spaceship while simultaneously consuming vast quantities of cheeseburgers and soda.
- A tasteful tribute to the great man that will look very sophisticated in your bedroom, next to your used tissues and Star Wars EU novels.
Star Wars Fan Boys
Shitloads of nerds are obsessed with this pile of crap such as the Homo who turned his Honda civic into the H-wing. According to comedian Brian Posehn, the best way to troll Star Wars fanboys is to run up to them and yell "Picard stinks!! Kirk was way better!!"
Fanbois on the Internets
There are thousands of Star Wars fan sites on the internets, and a consistent number of wikis, most notably Wookieepedia and its minor bitch sister, the Star Wars Fanon Wiki. Other Star Wars wikis in the internets:
- Stardestroyer.net brought to you by Mike Wong.
- Compedia brought to you by Wikia.
- Star Wars Merchandise by Angela.
- Dark Jedi Brotherhood.
- TROLL MOAR.
- Thanks to a dedicated warez scene, the original movie is now available on the internet.
- Theforce.net forums (please tell them that the prequels sucks they love that).
Trying Too Hard to Troll
Star Fan Wars
On three separate occasions, arguments involving the superiority of Star Wars to Doctor Who, and vice versa, have exploded into three wars. These wars have killed thousands of innocent people, but considering that most of them were cosplayers and Narutards it isn't THAT sad. These wars are generally fought at conventions in the United States, because even the nerds there are gun nuts. Most of these fights wind up making an awful mess of the whole arena, and seeing as both sides are too weak and frail to hold any winnings from the cops, most of these battles wind up a tie, such as the Battle of L.A. Con. But a few exceptions, such as the Battle of A-kon, were victories for the Mecha fans, who had armed themselves and incidentally wiped both sides off the map. There is currently a Star Fan war in progress in Korea, Japan and the Western Seaboard of the United States. Mecha peacekeepers have managed to contain the thread of pathetic nerd-dom.
Has anyone else notice that the various made-up names in Star Wars are baby-talk? "Dooku"? "Padawan"? Even "Jedi" shits the ever-loving shit outta me.
Amusingly, they had to change "Dooku" to "Dookan" somewhere or other because in the local language 'Dooku' means 'penis' because of course it does, what else could it possibly mean?
Fuck! I just realized just now! Half the fictional names in Star Wars sound like they were made up by Jar-Jar Binks!!!
Star Wars: The Disney Saga
Many Star Wars nerds fap to the thought of fucking a Twi'lek, an alien with two penises hanging down its head. This can be seen here in video form:
- Admiral Ackbar
- Backstroke of the West - A superior version.
- Bothan spy
- Comic book fans
- DO NOT WANT
- EVE Online
- Force Push
- Jedi (religion)
- Star Trek
- Star Wars: Battlefront II
- Star Wars Kid
- Star Wars Fanon
- Star Wars Galaxies
- Star Wars: The Old Republic
- Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
- Unidentified Rodian with jacket
- Obi Wan gifs here
- My Versus Website
- Star Wars Christmas Special - That Guy With The Glasses
- Star Wars Reviews (Longcat videos which you should give a chance even if they are slow in the beginning)
- Star Wars Porn!
- Space Moose does Star Wars: Part 1, part 2.
- Ford wanted Han dead anyway
- The rebels are the bad guys. The Empire are the heroes.
- Faggot accuses Star Wars of faggotry
|Featured article May 19, 2005|
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|Featured article December 18 & 19, 2015|
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Jack Gilbert Graham