|SUP DAWG, WE HEARD YOU LIKE STEAMPUNK SO WE PUT TINY HATS AND GEARS ON YOUR GOGGLES AND AIRSHIPS SO NOW HOPEFULLY PEOPLE WILL PAY ATTENTION TO YOU|
Indeed, while the concept once had some promise, whatever potential it once had was irreparably destroyed by the land whales and emaciated, goblin-like otherkin who have claimed it as their own. Following the path of scene, emo, and many other stupid trends, steampunk has evolved from a mere fashion statement into a lifestyle. Steampunk enthusiasts are renowned for their ground-breaking amounts of unwarranted self-importance, and every single one of them seems to be under the impression that wearing a choker or top hat magically transforms you into an aristocrat. A steampunk 'gentleman' will autofellate for hours online about how old-fashioned and elegant he is while picking Cheeto crumbs out of the folds of his man-tits and playing Gaia.
Join the Steampunk Revolution!
Here are some simple steps to look and act like a real steampunk fan.
- Buy some dead geezer's paisley vest from the local thrift store
- Steal your father's heirloom watch and take it apart
- Glue the watch parts to the vest
- Grow a porn mustache and put on a hat
- Buy a NERF gun or a water pistol from your local Toys 'R' Us and spend hours painting it to look realistic, but still failing to do so.
- Never, ever go outside
- ACT LIKE YOU OWN THE WORLD
Hardcore steampunk enthusiasts will spend every penny of their gov'ment-issued income to obtain the best steampunk clothing and accessories. Hell, they'd waste their food stamps too if gears were considered edible! It's no surprise that a large number of websites dedicated to selling this ravenous fandom overpriced shit have popped up. Most fans would buy a steaming turd if it had cogs pasted onto it, and the steampunk community would probably rave over the 'authenticity' and 'charm' of the feces. Yet, while the majority of steampunk merchandise is plastic crap, there are some accessories that are so over-the-top that they make Lexi Bee's pink shit look normal.
Steampunk fans are known for their lack of moderation, and they will slap metal, blinking buttons and useless machinery onto an item to the point where the original item's identity is completely obscured. Fans have made steampunk guitars, steampunk computers, steampunk flasks, and everything in between. Experts theorize that steampunk condoms will soon be made available in 'paisley', 'zepplin', and 'goggle' designs. Unfortunately, sales would be low because all steampunk fans are virgins.
Think this is an exaggeration? Think again.
In many ways, steampunk is quite similar to goth, not only in style but in that it's a movement that also tends to attract fatties who desperately want to appear sexy and interesting despite their disgusting bulk. However, unlike the gothic movement with its herds of corset-clad gothapotami, the majority of steampunk lardasses tend to be male and you will inevitably see at least one greasy, creepy-looking fat fuck with muttonchops at any steampunk gathering, desperately attempting to finally lose their hated virginities to some hot goth bit of tail by impressing them with their knowledge of airships and antiquated, polysyllabic words.
Steampunk In The Media
Ever bereft of new and original ideas of its own, Hollywood has tried, numerous times to cash in on the steampunk craze by attempting to foist off steampunk movies on the general public, hoping to earn more cocaine money off of the box office takings.
Movies with a steampunk aesthetic include:
- Wild, Wild West
- Atlantis: The Lost Empire
- Treasure Planet
- The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen
- The Three Musketeers
- Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
- The Golden Compass
- Van Helsing
It is not a coincidence that none of these movies are anywhere near approaching good and all of them fucking bombed. Steampunk's fail is just too much for cinema-going audiences.
Meanwhile, in the world of the vidya, after going though a pirate phase, Lionhead made a some shitty game for steampunks called Fable 3. The game took place 100 years ago where the world was split up between the royalty and the steampunk workers. They don't show up much however because they get out populated by Vikings and redneck farmers.
More recently, steampunks have rubbed their sweaty taint all over the Bioshock series, even though technically, the world depicted in that game isn't really steampunk, their attitude being: "It's mostly brass-colored and sort of set in the past, so fuck it, it'll do."
Rocksteady Studios briefly considered the idea of making a steampunk Batman game called Gotham By Gaslight, but in the end, they decided to just make Arkham City instead after everybody stopped laughing.
Trolling Steampunk Fans
While a steampunk lifestyler may have a 'sense of humor', it is a sense of humor in a creepy uncle sense rather than a lulzy one. This being said, the steampunk community has mostly been untouched by the hands of trolls, and many diehard fans tend to take their fashion obsession very, very seriously. Because of this, the men and women of the subculture are particularly easy to troll. Here are some potential 'conversation starters' for your next encounter with somebody who thinks that mechanical sex toys are totally cool.
- Point out that corsets do not transform blobs of fat into an hourglass shape.
- Mention that Disney's Atlantis: The Lost Empire was a shitty movie and that Dinotopia sucked too.
- Call him/her gothic.
- Remind him that wearing a metallic vest and monocle in public makes him look like a creep, not a gentleman.
- Remind her that all the corsets and bustle skirts in the world can't detract away from the fact that she's very plain, mousy looking and flat-chested.
- Compare the subculture to the furry fandom, since both groups have turned their fetishes into lifestyles. But point out that steampunks are worse. Boil in Hell, steamfags!
- Say that typing with verbosity does not look cool - it looks douchey and contrived.
- Call steampunk a phase
- Say "Oh yeah, like Wild Wild West!"
- Remind them that the slave trade was booming during the Victorian era, and that the upper class made most of their profits off of it. Therefore, Steampunk enthusiasts promote slavery.
- Say that cyberpunk is vastly cooler and superior, and has much better works in its genre. Say that cyberpunk makes more sense than randomly throwing gears and steam into modern technology.
OSHA and Steampunk
Steampunk is supposed to be based on the Victorian era, the most fun-deprived era since the dawn of man, and the Industrial Revolution, the fastest ballooning of pollution and workplace death ever. The idea of universal goggle-wearing is ridiculously ill-founded because workplace safety wasn't invented until the after the Haymarket Affair in Chicago in 1866 and Upton Sinclair's book The Jungle united against robber barons the world over to reduce the efficiency of pork production. Nobody wore goggles at all. Ever. Not even divers. Divers were all flips who worked without any equipment whatsoever. During the Industrial Revolution, all children between the ages of 7 and 14 (United States) or 4 and 17 (UK) were mandated to work in factories. They worked in canneries to throw floor scraps back into the cans, textile mills to crawl between the gears of the machines and find loose threads, steel mills to work the billows of the blast furnaces, coal mines to carry dead canaries out, and brothels to assist their mothers. They suffered from this. Kids would often develop black lung by the age of 12 - kind of like puberty, only without a happy ending. If they didn't die from that, they died earlier from getting sliced up in some kind of industrial accident.
Forgotten is the fact that the whole point of the Victorian era was that no person ever had any sex with any other person. There was no showing of flesh, ever. Women were required by law to wear at least 4 layers of clothing between their neck and ankles and down to their wrists at all times. Swimming could not be performed in front of the opposite sex. If a woman wanted to swim, she asked her husband for permission, went to a women-only beach, changed into special waterproof clothing (still 4 layers) in a booth, and was carried in the same booth down into the water, where she could get wet without being seen. It is thus demonstrated that there is no such thing as "sexy" Victorian era clothing. If there's no "sexy" Victorian era clothing, there's no "sexy" steampunk clothing, and thereby no reason for the women that like steampunk to even participate.
The only sex that took place in the Victorian era was child rape and that's when the first age of consent laws started.
Blah blah blah ironic shit is ironic.
The Future of Steampunk
Some believe that steampunk is in the running to become the next evolutionary form of the Pokemon Hipster, which means that it may very well end up a huge part of 'alternative' fashion. USI levels skyrocket every time the fashion monster evolves, and computer models indicate that if the preexisting fumes of self-importance within the steampunk fandom combine with hipster-level smugness, the results could be catastrophic. While it may be too late to keep steampunk clothing from sitting on the racks of Nordstrom and Target, it is your duty to try and stop the cancer before it spreads.
- Classy motherfuckers, Willem Dafoe and Gary Oldman, modelling steampunk fashion for Prada, prompting the butthurt neckbeards of this shitty subculture to scream "OMG NOT REAL STEAMPUNK!!!1!1!!"
- Steampunk weapons useless against fists
- Trying Too Hard
- Plastic Crap
- Dr. Steel
- Emilie Autumn
- Russell Brand - With his eccentric fashion sense and flowery volcabulary, many male steampunks aspire to be like this fag and attempt to replicate his personality and mannerisms, always with disastrous and highly obnoxious results. Sadly, no matter how accurate a steampunk's impression of Brand might be, they will always fail in one very important, nay, vital area: Russell Brand gets laid.
- The Unknown Autobot
|Featured article December 19, 2010|
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