Donate to ED • Donors • Advertise on ED
Steven Universe
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
In 2013 Rebecca Sugar abandoned Adventure Time to try and make an exception to the rule that kid's shows are shittier than adult shows with the feminist metaphor that is Steven Universe.Steven Universe is a very anime inspired cartoon which shouldn't be acceptable for a western kids show since all anime is invariably pornographic. The plot is Madoka Magica's mutant cousin. Cartoon Network realised that since they were airing Johnny Test two thirds of the day, they REALLY needed something else, ANYTHING else. Rebecca Sugar caught onto the fact that CN now had two brain cells to rub together and suggested a fantasy show that attempted to restore the innocence that 13-year-old boys and 13-year-old girls lost in the abyss of Goatse.cx and trick her fellow otakus into thinking that Western cartoons are any match for anime; what was made created a fanbase that would do just the opposite.
Contents |
Story
Since god knows when there was an inter-planetary agender magical species called the Crystal Gems. These Gems had gemstones embedded in their bodies and were named after their gemstones. They had the gift of eternal life(they can still get hurt and die), shape-shifting, fusion, the power to regenerate if mortally wounded by retreating to their gemstones to heal, and personal weapons. Eventually only four gems remained on earth: Rose Quartz, Pearl, Garnet and Amethyst. Fast forward a something-thousand years a solo-musician named Greg Universe decided to perform songs at a venue in Beach City only to learn that no-one listens to his music anymore, except for the aforementioned Rose Quartz. After some things happened Steven Universe was born.
Rose Quartz died giving birth to him.
Fast forward 8-12 years to Episode 1 and we see that Oreos has been discontinued and Greg has retired from writing songs after realizing that the Music Industry has gone to total shit, so now he works at a Car Wash. Steven lives in a beach house/labyrinth with the Crystal Gems, he is yet to be able to control his gem powers.
Story in one sentence
Steven is living in a beach house with a bunch of girls.
Characters
Steven 'Eyebrows' Universe - The main character who lives in a beach house with the Garnet Amethyst and Pearl. His gem adventures usually involve him doing it wrong out of sheer incompetence or just bad luck and his human adventures eventually end up gem-related. In other words he might as well not be human at all. Amethyst in Episode 1 says We're not the Crystal Gems without you and it shows since he mostly ends up saving the gems' asses. He also has healing saliva, because why the fuck not.
His "weapon" is a shield that shoots infra-sound.
Rose Quartz - Steven's mom who had to become an hero to give birth to him. Apparently she can find beauty in anything, including hatred, has magical healing tears, the power to create minions from plant matter, and she used to plant magic moss bent on devouring everything because she doesn't give a fuck. She's a girl imbued with white attire, pink hair extensions and magical powers linked to a gem who had tried to 'heal' the spirits of the corrupted gems and forsaken her physical form because reasons.
Pearl - With Steven's actual mom dead, Pearl acts as the mother figure and it shows. She whines and bitches about shit that only a mother could possibly care about. Things like slouching and turning a game of checkers into a seductive water balloon fetish game. She sometimes slips into madness whenever the writers want her to be. Oh and she watches Steven in his sleep.
Her/his weapon is a Spiral Spear
Amethyst - The Panty Anarchy of the show. FAs on Tumblr can NEVER get enough of her because, like a disturbingly higher than typical number of characters in this show, she's FA-worthy. It turns out that a Crystal Gem doesn't need to eat or sleep but can anyway, Amethyst does both excessively and even ate a 5-year old burrito once. She's best known for her exploitation of her ability to shape-shift, she once used this power to turn into her fursona 'The Purple Puma' and wreck people behind Pearl and Garnet's backs.
Her/his weapon is the whip.
Garnet - The Boss one with heightened perception that guides the gems through their mission objectives Boss.
Let's start over: Garnet's the only living gem other than Steven that looks human provided you don't know what's behind the glasses. This big-lipped afro hair'd African-Briton, like a Nigger, thinks that violence is the answer to everything. She's has a third eye, can swim in lava, and has this voice. Her powers come from being a tryhard and not trying at all at the same time. Just don't get her to play DDR or her third eye will put her into a trance.
Her/his/their weapon is a pair of poorly designed Gauntlets.
Opal - Whenever Pearl and Amethyst aren't arguing for no reason, they can perform fusion to "form Opal": a four-armed Giant Woman; the gem claim that they only fuse when they have no choice but hardly ever do it when they need to and when they do it it's hardly ever when they need to.
Opal's weapon is a bow.
Fun Fact: Originally they were going to pose her arms to form a swastika as a Hindu reference but were forced to scrap it because culturally ignorant Jews and Social Justice Wankers might have been offended and that can't ever happen.
Sugilite - Whenever a mission can only be completed with brute force and lots of it, Garnet and Amethyst will fuse to form Sugilite. In exchange for that power the two succumb to Roid Rage. Obviously the SJ-Wankers were appalled by how obviously racist her character is, which surprised us all since SJWs typically fap to Steven Universe's characters.
Sugilite's weapon is a flail.
Alexandrite - The over-hyped tri-fusion of all 3 Crystal Gems. Her main personality traits are the ignorance to human sociology already present in the Gems and her Multiple Personality Disorder. Her main physical traits are her Sonic the hedgehog eyes and her second mouth that looks like something from Parasyte.
Onion - There are only 2 things we know for sure about Onion: His dad is always out at sea but visits for brief (emphasis on 'brief') periods of time to talk Moonspeak to him; and he's possessed by the Devil. Everything else is just speculation, shit like him being an aspie or a typical sociopath but the truth is he's the fucking Devil.
If he isn't crow-baring arcade machines or stealing Steven's favourite homoerotic sex toys, he'll practice Black Magic for the lulz.
Greg Universe - Steven's dad. He's an ex-solo-musician with cat hair and the poster child for how to fail at life but still get the best girl. Seriously though he met Rose because she's the only person who liked his music. Now Greg runs a Car Wash and lives in a van, so Steven lives with the gems.
Lars - Lars is a bi-curious doughnut shopkeeper whose life Steven repeatedly ruins. He's secretly jealous of Steven because he's magical and hangs out with "hot girls", he is also secretly gay for Steven.
Sadie - Nobody outside of Tumblr cares about her. She's Lars' work partner and is only ever seen around Lars, Steven or both indicating that she has no other friends. Despite Lars' mental illness Sadie is convinced there's a chance for them to be together Disregard that SARS is canon.
Connie - Steven's obligatory love interest. Connie's mom is a doctor and her dad is a cop who works for multiple beaches in multiple cities so she isn't in the same place for a long time which means she can't make friends. Because she has no friends she spend most of her time reading books and looking at boats. This probably means she knows about Onion's "situation". Steven's first impression on Connie was social-anxiety level awkward. Everyone thought she was a Nigger but the Word of God is that she an Indie-an. [Insert Un-inspired Lolicon joke here.]
Mr. Fryman - The owner of a family business called 'Beach City-walk Fries' which sells Fries and seemingly nothing else. His kids are a teenage tumbling schizophrenic and an Emo who is never properly clothed.
Petey - His actual name is Peedee but if his own dad didn't call him his real name we see no need to either. 'Petey' is the only emo known in fiction and reality smart enough to realise that drenching yourself in black makes you look like a retard. He can never be taken seriously by anyone ever because he's first seen in a gay-ass costume being trolled by seagulls.
Ronaldo - Petey's elder brother. The Tumblr addict we mentioned earlier. He runs a blog called "Keep beach City weird" which oddly enough exists. In real life. Yes Really. This blog describes Ronaldo's obsession with anime, his need to feel important and his delusions about a Snake-illuminati from 12-dimensional space.
Kofi and Kiki Pizza - Kofi's family own a pizza place called 'Fish Stew Pizza'. His known family are his daughters Kiki and Jenny and his mom. Kiki has incredibly little character so you can just ignore her. Kofi can only be described in 2-words: "Black Wrath".
Jenny, Sour Cream and Buck Dewey - Sour Cream is presumably Onion's brother Satan's unsuspecting victim, Buck Dewey is Beach City's Mayor's son and Jenny's family generate lulz at 3 times normal. Lars figured that letting this trio of teens who were previously ignorant of his existence come to him was a better plan to introduce himself than simply introducing himself and it actually takes Steven's help just for them to meet. This trio of travesty actually thought it was a good idea to dick about in a lake blocked off by police tape and covered in green shit because they were 'above the law' and what do you know, it came back to bite them when Rose Quartz's death moss ate them.
Nanefua - Kofi's mom. She's awesome.
Mr. Smiley - The nigger that runs Beach City Funland and hosts an illegal wrestling business. his addiction to crack is the reason Beach City Funland is so accident prone.
Lapis Lazuli - Another gem. Unlike the other gems, Lapis doesn't care for the species that invented Freemium Games, Family Guy and Dating Sims and wants to go home. So they cracked her gem and trapped it in a camera-mirror, gradually turning her into an introverted paranoid emo. She is so far the most powerful gem in the show; she has the power to manipulate water, doing crazy shit like making clones of other people, besting Moses and turning the seven seas themselves into a gigantic tower; all that even with the handicaps that come with a cracked gem, imagine her power with an intact gem.
Episode Summaries
- 0. Pilot
Amethyst gives Steven a magical hour-glass marble that she and the gems were SUPPOSED to protect from those who don't know how it works (e.g. Steven Universe). He accidentally the marble to travel back in time to Pwn-fu Lars with comebacks only to learn that now ONLY he can use it, and ONLY for comebacks. A show was destined to be made from this pilot since Cartoon Network's standards were low enough to allow Clarence to be made into a TV show.
Season 1A
- 1. FLCL II
Oreos get discontinued making Steven butthurt but the Gems stole bought a bunch. Now for some reason eating them makes Steven's gem activate except for when he needs it to.
- 2. Laser Light Boner
O2 charges towards Beach City and the only thing that can work against it is Rose Quartz's "Laser Light Cannon" which was entrusted to Steven's dad.
Steven goes on his first mission with the gems only to fuck it up.
- 4. Orgy Breakfast
Steven makes a stack of pancakes for him and the other Crystal Gems to eat together but everyone's busy: Garnet is removing incriminating evidence, Pearl is sorting through her dildo collection and Amethyst is deliberately messing up her room. The monster of the week this episode is the breakfast Steven made possessed by incriminating evidence and the ending is borderline Gainax: the gems make a new breakfast but now have a phobia of pancakes and instead order pizza.
Ragyou-sama becomes a bunch a crystals and possesses Petey's fry suit so she can molest more people.
- 6. Parasyte.
Steven tries to shapeshift but it results in that moment from AKIRA + lots and lots of cats.
- 7. Steven's Shipping Bubble.
Steven's gem ships Steven with Connie by trapping them in a bubble.
Steven gets B& from Beach City Funland for destroying it in the name of lulz.
- 9. Literal Fat Cat
Amethyst and Steven form a tag team furry wrestling duo to troll everyone because they couldn't handle Garnet and Pearl's constant bitching, except that Steven's too big of a pussy to handle the expected butthurt he created. Eventually the Garnet and Pearl Party Van put a stop to it killing the lulz.
- 10. The Bad Lion Entity
Steven finds a magical pink lion in the desert and brings it home with him when it doesn't maul him. Amethyst brings back a crystal tied to a pillow that becomes a random terrain generator should it make contact with sand. You'll never guess what happens next.
- 11. Gurren Lagann Invasion
Kamina reincarnates as a gem-monster and raeps the gems with tentacle drills, except Garnet Sue who kills him leaving behind a crystal and mini-Kaminas. Steven rewards the gems with a trip to the Arcade. Pearl demonstrates exceptional driving skills in a game where you're supposed to drive like a Brit-Nigger, Amethyst cheats in Skeeball and Garnet punches the shit out of things until Steven gets her to play DDR with meat, which puts her into a trance.
Garnet and Amethyst fuse to form the hindu goddess Opal via shitty dance moves and Steven being eaten.
- 13. At least 100 birthdays.
Steven has a mid-life crisis at 12/16/22/43/72/83 years old.
- 14. The Unholy Quintet.
Rose Quartz's death moss runs rampant in a lake called 'Dead Man's Mouth' now that she isn't here to establish dominance and 5 people almost die from it.
- 15. Devil's Trade
Onion steals Steven's favourite improvised dildo, throws a burger into the ocean, Hit and Runs, and almost destroys the city with magic for the lulz. YA RLY. Oh and Steven tries to trade with Onion.
- 16. Pearl dies!!! YA RLY!
After Pearl gets peeved by Anime Physics she does what any responsible guardian would do: teach Steven how to sword fight, with actual swords. She gets impaled and what follows is a prediction of the long-ass hiatus that follows weeks later.
- 17. The second coming of Jesus.
Connie and Steven try to get Lion to take them to the cinema but they detour through Rose's training cave and accidentally summon a Turret.
Garnet and Kofi get caught in a Nigga Moment which gets the Crystal Gems B& from Fish Stew Pizza(The Crystal Gems don't give a shit) so Steven invites the Gems and the Pizza family to a Volleyball BBQ to end it. Because Steven doesn't watch the Boondocks he is unaware that Nigger Moments don't end; ever. But this is not the Boondocks, the Nigga Moment ends when the Gems and the Pizzas kill a giant gale blowfish and the Gems get unbanned for Fish Stew Pizza.
- 19. The Rebellion Story Abridged.
Steven gets pissy because the gems don't have time to hang out with him. The build-up of butthurt opens up his mom's room so Steven decides to escape to it. He learns that Rose's room materializes whatever you wish for, but if you accidentally have it make a town you risk realizing you've become a witch.
- 20. Holy shit, a celebrity cameo.
Garnet and Amethyst fuse to rescue television but become insane while Steven and his friends start working out because of Steven's recent head-trauma. SJWs accuse this episode of being racist for some reason.
- 21. Regular Show.
Lars pulls a Rigby on Sadie so Steven volunteers to replace him.
- 22. Steven Paradox.
Steven gets a new time-marble which brings disaster with each and every use; this includes witnessing 100 of your future selves die before your eyes.
- 23. How to train your Centi-peetle.
Steven accidentally releases that centipede-beetle thing from episode 1 and tries to tame it but fails because it's akin to healing a Witch. Prepare your mind for blatant animal abuse.
- 24. Weeping Angel Rose.
Amethyst falls off a cliff cracking her gem so the Crystal Gems go to Rose's healing spring. In this episode we learn about Steven's healing spit.
- 25 & 26. [Insert noun here] Gem.
Steven releases Lapis Lazuli from a mirror. Lapis proceeds to take the ocean to get home because her gem is cracked so she can't fly, Steven heals the gem so she uses her wings to fly, like a bird, in space, with no air.
Season 1B
- 27. The Crewniverse on crack.
An off-model, cliché and rushed travesty of an episode. Some argue that it only sucks because the past 2 episodes are much better but obviously didn't see the episode(thank god). It's awful, so so awful.
- 28. Space Race.
Pearl, Steven and Greg build a spaceship because Pearl misses space.
- 29. Secret Gang.
Amethyst and Pearl accidentally release a bunch of giant limbs and have to defeat them. In other words they finally fight a giant foot.
Sadie traps Steven and Lars on an island with an invisible monster because Lars is a dick and because OOOH!!! Look how pretty it is here.
- 31. Jews did 9/11.
Ronaldo's paranoid schizophrenia interrupts Steven's life.
- 32. Fusion Crime.
This episode was renamed 'Fusion Cuisine' but to ED it's still Fusion Crime, because Alexandrite is a crime against nature.
- 33. 6 Gaming/Anime/Self-references per minute.
What Steven thinks Garnet did today.
- 34. Watermelon Steven.
Steven accidentally grows watermelon slaves.
- 35. The Rose
Rose talks.
Miscellaneous Information
Facts
- Being the offspring of two different species means Steven Universe is infertile.
- Beach City's Mayor is a pedophile.
- Steven is better than you at the guitar.
- It's been confirmed that Crystal Gems have no sex. Think about that for a moment.
- Gems don't reproduce, Steven exists anyway. Think about that too.
- Sadie can grow leg hair. This is important for some reason.
- God doesn't exist.
Headcanons and Predictions
- Steven will try to learn to control his age to get some secks.
- Rose Quartz fought against some really evil bitch 1500 years ago.
- Rose Quartz likes ball sports.
- Rose Quartz did it for the lulz.
- Rose Quartz is the only Crystal Gem that didn't die a virgin.
- Lilith is held within the Temple.
- Satan will no longer see any use for Onion's body and take Steven's to create phenomenal lulz and butthurt.
- Steven is a feline furfag.
- A villain will exploit human psychology to mind rape Steven.
- The show will end in a Congratulations Steven moment.
- Fans will NOT stop shipping Pearl and Amethyst. Ever.
- Connie Dies.
- Fire Salts will eventually become a Black Market cooking ingredient.
Methods of pissing off the fandom
- Draw Pearl with boobs; the bigger the better.
- Draw Garnet not as the niggiest nigger.
- Draw Amethyst, Sadie, or Rose as skinny bitches.
- Claim that the gems only care about Steven because Rose is dead.
Quotes
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Previous Quote | Next Quote | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Gallery
| | Add pixplzkthnx to Steven Universe Plz to be adding some pix now kthnx. Consult the image selection process for help, or just google up some pix.Plz remove this notice once there are plenty of pix. |
| The Gallery | About missing Pics | ||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||
Music
For being a cartoon watched only by the same type of manchild who enjoys Adventure Time and Regular Show, Steven Universe actually manages to come up with some catchy tunes, even when it rips off the Super Mario Galaxy soundtrack.
|
See Also
- Adventure Time
- Regular Show
- The Amazing World of Gumball - The poorman's 'The Simpsons'.
- Clarence - The retarded sister show to Steven Universe.
- Cartoon Network
- My Little Pony
- King of Braves GaoGaiGar - Steven Universe plus Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann minus Budget
- Puella Magi Madoka Magica - Steven Universe meets Neon Genesis Evangelion
- Love Hina - Sequel to Steven Universe
- Xiaolin Showdown - Chinese Racist Joke Festival
- Gravity Falls - Mocking 9 out of 10 basement dwellers since 22-09-14
External Links
- TV Tropes Article
- Typical Steven Universe FanFaction
-
Awkward Steven Universe Photos
-
Offical Tumblr Blog
-
The World of Steven Universe
- If you want to see these 11 minute faggotries for yourself
|
Steven Universe is part of a series on Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article August 14th & 15th, 2014 | ||
| Preceded by K-On! | Steven Universe | Succeeded by HowToBasic |


