Stoner Guru

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A Stoner Guru is that special brand of person who becomes more philosophical and introspective when they get high rather than run straight for the kitchen to empty the fridge and cabinets of food because they have been hit with a wicked case of the munchies or sit there on the couch , by themselves, and have a 2 way conversation with a house plant.

A stoner guru sees weed and certain other drugs like speed as a religious experience and the heightened awareness that comes from it should be embraced for the new found perceptions that can come with their use.

In other words, Drugs are a tool and not a high speed vehicle for escaping from reality's blues but rather one that enhances reality, making it more real, making the problem at hand one that is more manageable and able to be grasped because of the focus that comes from their aid.

The way to define a Stoner Guru is how they are still able to function in life and produce without the aid of drugs. As said earlier drugs are just merely a tool like a metronome to a learning pianist that keeps them aware of other aspects of the lesson like the rhythm and tempo in relation to the notes on paper and the placement of the keys.

A Stoner Guru is not someone who lives in their parent's basement and eats peanut butter off their fingers while they're high and tweets about the deeper meaning of shows like Rick and Morty because they are too busy being a part of and contributing to society.

Timothy Leary

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Like every great religion, we seek to find the divinity within and to express this revelation in a life of glorification and the worship of God. These ancient goals we define in the metaphor of the present—turn on, tune in, drop out


—Timothy Leary

Probably one of the most well known and most influential Stoner Gurus as Former President Richard M. Nixon described him "as one of the most dangerous men in the U.S." because of his leadership in the counterculture, dirty hippy movement that promoted peace. love and finding oneself through the use of insight attained from acid/LSD - under controlled conditions, that was Centered in San Francisco, and went on to influence books like Dune where a magic spice could give people magic powers if it was used with physical training and restraint. As anyone who has ever looked at a film reel from the 60's, all this idea led to was a bunch of dirty hippies begging for money and kitchens to cook up their next hit.

Like so many Stoner Gurus to come before and after him, he had his run ins with Johnny Q. Law but unlike your basic couch surfing pot head staring at Cartoon Network 20 hours a day he had his victories against the man and his legalized system of oppression and contradictions.

In 1966 he won an appeal against his arrest for Marijuana possession arguing that the Marijuana Tax act of 1937 was illegal and violated civil rights because it required self incrimination to be enforced. In other words, a person had to break the law and be in possession of weed then incriminate themselves to the authorities that they had this weed and risk arrest for illegal possession to get a tax stamp for this weed they were holding so that they can be legally possessing tthis weed or just another day in the U.S. statutes that can make your head spin trying to understand them.

Mostly known for his insights and introspective looking into the mind, he was a psychology professor at Stuck-up U or better known as Harvard, his ideas have been shuffled around and resold since the 60's by music groups like the Beatles Comee Together and supermarket self help books like I'm Okay You're Okay.

They took you off the streets so that I could continue with your work


—Ccharles Manson to Timothy Leaary

🔯Paul Erdős🔯

You've showed me I'm not an addict, but I didn't get any work've set mathematics back a month


—Erdos after having quit speed for a month and winning a bet

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A genius in Mathmatics that was awarded his PhD at the age of 21. Less of a Stoner Guru and more of what would have been a youtube celebrity celebrating drugs and autism in this day and age because at the age of 4 he could calculate, in his head how many seconds a person had lived. More so, he slept in the same bed with his mother until the time he left for university, which was when he was about 17.

What makes him impressive is the fact that he authored over 1,500 papers in Mathmatics, thanks to the chemical wonder known as amphetamines - a feat that hasn't even come close to being repeated.

Speed like ritalin and dexedrine were his tools of choice because of the focus they gave him. He has been quoted as saying:

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee and amphetamines into theorems


You might think that he probably died in his 40's, from a massive stroke or heart attack after eating a handful of speed except he lived to the ripe old age of 83 and dropped dead from a heart attack after eating a handful of speed.

Carl Sagan

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A closet Stoner Guru. He is best known for bringing Science down to a level everyone could easily understand in his Cosmos series without talking down to his audience.

When Sagan spoke of his use of Marijuana, he was reminiscent of Timothy Leary's Self Actulization theories of LSD as Sagan spoke of how Marijuana's use takes away the animalistic perceptions and the human condition of always being in survival mode. Sagan claimed its use moved us into a perception that is more introspective, one that is open to new experiences and capable of understanding our past and present as a whole.

When I'm high I can penetrate into the past, recall childhood memories, friends, relatives, playthings, streets, smells, sounds, and tastes from a vanished era. I can reconstruct the actual occurrences in childhood events only half understood at the time. Many but not all my cannabis trips have somewhere in them a symbolism significant to me which I won't attempt to describe here, a kind of mandala embossed on the high. Free-associating to this mandala, both visually and as plays on words, has produced a very rich array of insight


—Carl Sagan

Jeff Bridges

Mind if I do a J?


—The Dude

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The official Stoner Guru of ED because he represents all the previous gurus above in that his characters, like the Dude and Kevin Flynn from Tron have a Zen like approach to life in that they're completely in control of it and can alter it by choosing to participate in certain events or not to.

His characters go on to show the viewer that a person, just because they smoke dope, doesn't have to hide away and giggle their asses off to My Little Pony while slamming down Diaharrea inducing sliders from Arby's and claiming, to their parents that what they are actually doing is studying modern animation so they can produce something that is capable of selling in today's media drenched market.

His characters are go getters, such as Kevin Flynn from Tron who became an IRL God when he created his own living world in a computer. Even The Dude is a positive role model for drug use because, while he might not be a Kevin Flynn, he represents the everyman that is capable of having friends, hobbies, solving problems, getting laid and even getting into trouble because of his life's philosophy which is a stark contrast to the loser pot head that only wants more dope and has to beg on the internet, for donations because they don't want to make the choice between their problem or a roof above their head.

Tools Of The Trade


Speed! Fuck Yeah


It should be noted that real speed comes with names like Ritalin, Dexadrine and Black Beauties. If you're buying glass from a Mexican then you might as well be huffing chlorine because all you're doing is killing yourself.

Probably the closest you'll ever feel to know what it's like to get a blood transfusion from God because of the energy it gives you and as a creative tool it has been used by people like David Bowie, Andy Warhol and Philip K. Dick.

The best way to look at speed is this, if you have ever taken speed and broke into your neighbors garage to clean it or raked the front lawn of leaves than sat on patrol to clean up leaves as they either blew onto or fell on the lawn than speed isn't for you.


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Oh Yeah

The baby brother of all the other drugs because it has a mellowing effect and because there's really no risk of overdose.

Known as the ironic drug because Eco-Hippies, trying to look cool smoke it despite all the chemical fertilizers that are being used to grow it.

As said before, if the first thing you want to do is make a run for Taco Bell after smoking it and order the left side of the menu than this drug ain't for you. Now if you want a drug that can expand music or help you understand art through introspective revelations; than this is your drug.



Some peeople claim that taking this drug causes weird dreams.

What they'll do is take it and then sit in a chair while holding something like a book so that when they fall asleep they'll drop it and wake right up when they're having a micro nap.

The goal is to have weird dreams that can be used for creative purposes like art or writing.


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If you've ever wanted to see music, people's faces melt off their skulls or bats filling thee sky and coming to eat your soul - then this is the drug for you.

Some say your subconscious dictates what type if trip you're going to have so this is so not the drug you want to take when you're having a bad day because in the lingo, "You'll have yourself a bad trip," and wind up in a psych ward.

The best way to fight a bad trip for you amateurs is to lock yourself away in a dark room with little sound and visual stimuli and wait it out.


If you want to hang out, you've gotta take her out, cocaine

If you want to get down, get down on the ground, cocaine


Cocaine: Eric Clapton

If you have more than enough money to spare and like to chase highs then this might be the drug for you.

Seriously, we can't figure out the allure of this drug when you have pills that will give you the same kind of high, last 6 hours or more and won't eat away at your nose's septum so that you can amuse your children by putting a handkerchief up your left nostril and pulling it out your right.

Mostly known as Douchebag fuel.


Fuck No

No. Just no.

A drug created by the CIA to destroy the black man from inside his own neighborhood and house. The plan was working until it started to sneak into white neighborhoods and became a problem.

It has no value except to devastate once bustling cities on the brink of collapse.

See: Detroit


The glow that comes from oxies

If you ever wanted to know what it's like to get a tongue kiss from God than this group of drugs including Oxycontin and Vicodin are for you.

Much like Weed they can make the most boring interesting and the Unfunny - funny, unfortunately without the inner exploration. Good for when you want to relax but that's about it.



Made a reemergence after the feds decided to crack down on opiates and caused a void in the supply end of the market. Ready to fill this new void entrepreneurial dealers started flooding the streets with cheap and potent heroin.

If you're going to overdose on a drug it will most likely be this one, so if you just want to go to sleep and be declared Death Through Misadventure or an Accidental Suicide this is the drug to do it with because once you start the clock starts ticking down.

See Also

  • Beatles John Lennon thought he was a Stoner Guru
  • Doopie DoOver A wannabe Stoner Guru that thinks that weed gives you smarts that you don't have.
  • Stoner Your basic, level 1 user


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