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A student, shown leeching off of the system while inhaling pot.

Students are bums who do not have a proper job, and yet don't want to admit to being unemployed, in case this causes their parents to stop paying for their alcohol. They claim to be engaged in intellectual pursuits, but in fact most of them spend their time doing drugs and cybering. Student life is great for developing drug, tobacco and alcohol addictions and perversions; it is generally accepted that, despite the best intentions, all your studying will only make you a fucked up drunk, not unlike your current professors.

Some different subject choices for students

When Second-Grade students outsmart the substitute teacher.
  • Science - useful if you want to learn how to make your own drugs.
  • Computer Science - useful if you want to be unemployed and do crack in the alley.
  • Medicine - useful if you want to get ready-made drugs for free.
  • Arts - the best choice if you can't think of what else to do because of all the drugs you've done (plus it has the advantage of rhyming with farts) and you can't really study anything else because your genes have failed you.
  • Math - because you really thought about meth.
  • Engineer- Great if you don't mind taking Computer Science III only to end up a virgin and a failure even though you'll actually have the skills to earn good money and wrestle Artfags to the floor.
  • Humanities - appropriate if you're a human and desire a career in pizza delivery. Unlike the pizza, however, you will not be able to feed a family after graduating.
  • Philosophy - become a cultist of science, progress and all that shit. A philosopher's future prospects include cabby and part-time English teacher.
  • Psychology - psychology is usually studied by someone who is batshit insane; this includes the faculty.
  • Social Science - a.k.a. Manipulation for Weirdos: a cold and callous approach to the questions philosophy and psychology deal with. There is always work for manipulative jerks, after all. Most social scientists grow up to be drug dealers and don't live lifestyles that even remotely resemble those of popular socialites.
  • Commerce - good if you're a filthy capitalist prick (this might actually lead you to a proper future earning big bucks). HAHAHAHA disregard that I suck Monopoly money and cocks.
  • Music - hippy shit; totally pointless.
  • Dentistry - good if you like causing pain, and provides good drug money (lol lots of money and drugs!).
  • Veterinarian - heaven if you are a furry who likes to fuck animals.
  • History - Good if your only talent is telling stories about shit nobody cares about to nobody, because no one is listening.
  • Law - full of people who hate each other and want to claw their way to success. One of the most stressful and ungrateful kind of studies of all time. Paradoxically, it is considered to be one of the most profitable course of all the above.

Student traditions

Surviving Student Life

When you first leave your parents' home to go to university, things can be very frightening. It's not uncommon to experience homesickness, anxiety and necrophilia at first. Remember that neither your mom nor Hitler is there to tell you to take a shower when you start to smell, so you need to make a note on your weekly timetable to remind you.

Many famous people have died while studying. Elvis was a buttsex major when he shat himself to death. Ann Coulter's dead fetus was studying fascism when it splashed into the toilet. Most students however, die of AIDS. If you want to survive, plug your asshole with fossilized peasants.

Students Are Smarter Than You

A true an student hero

The vast majority of students are uppity rich and beautiful kids looking for an identity. They do this by taking on different progressive and enlightened roles, such as loudmouthed leftard, brain-fried hippy, or poseur communist, thinking that they are making the world a better place. They often like to engage in protests for things that aren't their fucking business, such as Venezuelan elections, Nukular warfare and the children in Africa. More commonly, however, they like to pretend to be radical and spew on about Herbert Marcuse's brilliant analysis of the modern way of life, but are too lazy to actually do shit. This is just another way of convincing people that there is nothing wrong with you wasting your life on pot and booze.

Students flock to TOW like flies to dogshit as their burnout professors fill them with the undeniable enlightenment of the universe. Young and headstrong, they make for fiery combatants in Wikiwars and will vehemently defend the unequivocal knowledge that they just learned in their Sociology 201 class. Just like books and the internet, college is an undeniable fact-generating machine. It must be, otherwise your parents wouldn't be shelling out $100,000 for you to chug jungle juice there every weekend.

Richard Nixon proved that the most effective way to deal with students is to shoot them with bullets. Nothing shuts up a loudmouth Berkley know-it-all like some hot, steaming shotgun mouthwash. This has also proved to be an effective tactic by another very similar empire in Tienanmen Square China 1989.

Student is part of a series on Education

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