Subway

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An American Subway restaurant. Note its appetizing menu.

Subway is the best place to get a shit sandwich with crusty bread, made by a high schooler who couldn't give a fuck even if by some miracle they aren't high. It is the McDonalds of whites, and tastes about the same. Subway is the cancer that is killing sandwiches, outnumbering Starbucks two to one despite having nothing edible to sell. They also cater, in case you want to impress upon a group of people what a cheap and tasteless sack of dog shit you are.

Sandwiches

Extra seasoning to improve the flavor.

Tell the “Sandwich Artist” what kind of bread what you want, which couldn't matter less because they all taste exactly the same. Pick which bucket of raw meat you want your filling to come from, and which processed cheese product you want to scrape off the roof of your mouth for the next hour. Answer yes when they ask if you want the sandwich toasted, because it's your only hope of avoiding salmonella. If you ever wanted three day old vegetables on a sandwich, you can choose them, and if mayonnaise is too subtle, they can drench the sandwich in vegetable oil.

More often than not, you end up with something or another you didn't want on your sandwich. Subway uses wax paper to keep meats from congealing during the weeks they sit on the line, and biting into one is pretty fucking common. Some innocent child in Canada was fed glass shards by her mother, who neglectfully assumed that the Subway sandwich she bought for the child was safe for consumption. By far the most common surprise lurking on a Subway sandwich is cocksweat. It has been a longstanding tradition for underpaid Sandwich Artists to rub their impotent chodes all over bread before serving it to the public. This ritual went on for several years before a Sandwich Artist broke both the first and second rules of Subway by posting Instagram pictures of his tiny cock flopped on unbaked Subway bread. Subway claims he totally stole unbaked bread, took it home, and then took the pictures, instead of just showing the public how he prepared for a busy day of sandwich artistry. This is suspected to be bullshit, because they fired the two employees involved anyways.

DNA test shows Subway’s chicken may only be 50% chicken

And you thought Taco Bell's "seasoned beef" was bad. Studies now show that Subway's Oven Roasted Chicken patty is just 53.6% real chicken, and its Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki strip is only 42.8% real chicken, with the rest being soy. Getting hungry?

Bullshit health claims

Nuvola
Moar info: Jared Fogle.
Jared Fogle, proof that a lot of people might as well be fat.

Not only does Subway claim that frozen bread and presliced, mummified ham count as “fresh”, they actually have the balls to claim that their shit food will help you lose weight. They sell themselves as the healthy alternative to burger joints, scaring subhumans into buying food at Subway. But if you actually look at the nutritional information instead of just scarfing down a foot of food, you will see that Subway sandwiches actually contain way more calories and sodium than McDonalds hamburgers. The only real advantage Subway has over McDonalds is more white women, but that ad might piss bitches off.

The earliest incarnation of this lying bullshit is Jared Fogle, a convicted pedophile who got famous by claiming that eating Subway caused him to lose eleventy-billion pounds. Just saying this over and over has earned him a net worth of $15 million, despite never holding a job in his life. Which is all well and good, except for the fact that even as he was paid to say Subway makes you skinny (Before they fired him for having a computer full of cheese pizza), he regularly puts on thirty or more pounds before being busted and being forced to go back on a real diet. But even at his lowest weight, he was still only two pounds away from being overweight.


   
 
Before he used a Subway, he ate 4 meals at dinnertime. He ate whole pizzas by himself and a ton of hamburgers. When he was young his parents bought tons of sweets like chips, cookies, and candy bars. They also bought pizza. Little Jared ate a pack of cookies a day. By age 19 he weighed over 400 pounds. He was so fat that he had to have 2 normal weight scales to total his weight. He also couldn't jump up and down without crashing the floor. When he fell, his fat either cracked the floor or bounced him up really high. He was similar to Ruben Studdard, who is really fat. Subway's popularity has skyrocketed because of a really fat guy.
 

 
 

—The only portion of Jared's Wikipedia page not written by an advertising agency.

Advertising

Fresher than any Subway sub ever.

Subway knows that only the clinically retarded could eat their food, so their advertisements are just the words “$5 footlongs” spammed over and over. After a few dozen of these commercials, some of their stroke victim customers remembered that penises can be a foot long too, and that you can pay money to put one in your mouth. They clearly thought this realization was absolutely hysterical, because it's still spammed all over the place, as if it isn't a cancerously unfunny forced corporate meme.

In addition to being incredibly annoying, these ads are also Jewish lies. For years Subway had been ripping off all of their customers by cutting the size of their subs to save cash. They have been sued repeatedly for giving customers subs eleven inches or shorter while promising twelve inches in all of their advertisements.


   
 
'Subway Footlong' is a registered trademark as a descriptive name for the sub sold in Subway Restaurants and not intended to be a measurement of length.
 

 
 

—Your cock is now actually a footlong! Provided it is a Subway sandwich.

Arby's truth-telling about Subway

   
 
That’s a long walk for a turkey sandwich!
 

 
 

—Bo Dietl, about how your Subway sandwich in New York was made with meat sliced in Iowa.

Last Thursday, Arby's ran an ad campaign about how one would expect a sandwich shop, especially given the "eat fresh" slogan, to be slicing its meat fresh in-store, but instead Subway has its meat sliced in a factory and shipped nearly halfway across the United States.

In a comical case of misdirection, Dan Waters, general counsel for West Liberty Foods, the company that supplies Subway's prepackaged meat by-products, responded only about how the Iowa facility is safe and clean, rather than address the actual commercial claims about how Subway's meat is not actually sliced in its stores. Classic case of confirming something by what you didn't say.

Skimpage

Subway's tried and true marketing ploy is to continually reduce the amount of toppings it ads to its mediocre, partially stale, cold and clammy sammiches, all couched in the guise of "healthy eating" and "lower calories", which in turn provides a lovely circular argument for increasing the overall prices since "healthy" should, of course, cost a lot more than "fattening". This self-serving, Ouroboros business model is what allows Subway to remain in business despite the fact that it should have gone tits up in the wake of Quizno's epic hot toasted sub superiority years ago.

Do it yourself

If you want the Subway experience without having to go twenty feet to an actual store, you too can open a Subway franchise. Simply go to your kitchen, pull out the oldest bread you have, let it sit on the counter for another couple days, then carefully lay paper thin layers of welfare cheese and Spam on it, and stuff it with wilted lettuce and the most semen-flavored ranch dressing you can find. Then rub your cock all over the sandwich because, as you know, they all do.

Gallery

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See also

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Subway
is part of a series on
Food and Drink

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