Super Dimension Fortress Macross

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Not as badass as it seems.

An anime series cursed with a sprawling plot and shitty animation, Super Dimension Fortress Macross (1982) could have been a nice little mecha series with giant robots smacking the shit out of each other... but no! Macross had to be plagued with yawn-inducing ideas like love triangles, interracial couples, culture shock and the power of music to conquer all. Pop Quiz: When did music ever stop a war? Anyone? Anyone?

Here We Go with The Plot...

In 1999 - when everyone should be “partying like it’s” - the world is in the grip of World War III. The Earth seems it will soon be rid of the infestation of sweaty, smelly human beings once and for all. Suddenly, a starship with no one at the steering wheel crash lands on a South Pacific island - wiping out the entire population of cannibalistic, shark hunting bone-through-the-nose primitives that lived on it. Seeing this as a sign from Jesus that he loves the white man, the peoples of the Earth unite to rebuild the crashed spaceship which they name “Macross”. This word is derived from the Greek prefix “macro”, meaning “large.” It was NOT named after some mysterious Scotsman named MacRoss as most fanboys believe. Read a book, you fucks.

In 2009, one year after a porch monkey is elected President of the United States, the Macross is ready to launch. At that moment, a fleet of starships arrive, carrying giant 50-foot tall aliens with equally giant nut-sacks called the Zentradi. They attack the island where the Macross is ready to launch and there is some kickass fighting between the Zentradi and the giant flying Valkyrie robots. These scenes are the best animated in the series, which isn’t saying much.

As the Macross blasts off, it’s clear that the mongrel multinational crew don’t know how to pilot the fucking thing. They crash it into the city that was built around it. They crash it into the Pacific Ocean. They even crash it into the Freedom Tower in New York, which has everyone believing Al Qeada have come back to fuck things up. Finally, the crew of the Macross figure out how to use the faster-than-light-warp-speed-hyper-drive-fold-o-matic engine which they use to jump to Pluto. Unfortunately, the engine is stolen by a gang of Puerto Ricans from the South Bronx. They even take the Macross’ spinning rims. Now the idiots in the Macross have to take a year to get back to Earth.

As they travel home, they discover some things about the Zentradi. First: They are all homos. There’s mostly nothing but men on each ship and they have to do something to pass the time when they’re not killing people. Second: There ARE female Zentradi, but they are lesbians and they think men are icky. The two sexes were segregated by their mysterious creators to prevent them from learning the joys of the horizontal rhumba.

Along the way, Zentradi spies sneak aboard the Macross. Yeah, I know what you’re wondering. How could bunch of 50-foot tall aliens sneak aboard a ship full of teeny tiny humans? Just watch the show if you dare. Once aboard, they discover the music of some bubbly, air-headed chink girl named Minmay. Hearing her beautiful music, they bust a nut. They run back to their ship and tell their homo buddies that on the Macross men and women are allowed to fuck. This makes their balls bulge and they defect to the Macross in droves. The Zentradi high command, fearing that their gay ways will soon be eliminated, carpet bomb the Earth to destroy the breeder menace. The crew of the Macross team up with a fleet of male and female Zentradi who were cured of their faggy vices. They destroy the main Zentradi fleet and return to Earth where human and Zentradi cross-breed and create a race of bastard mulatto children. Finis.

Main Characters

Hikaru Ichijyo The mopey emo protagonist of the series. He used to be a hotshot amateur pilot on Earth, but the horrors of war make him regress into a brooding, self-hating shit. His only hope of salvation lies in schtupping one of two women...

Misa Hayase A lieutenant aboard the Macross and certified feminazi. Nobody likes her because she is as pleasant to be around as a bucket full of menstrual blood. At first she thinks Hikaru is a little bitch and seeks to dominate him, but Hikaru slaps the cunt up and she learns her place in the pecking order. Which leads us to the third point in the lover’s triangle...

Lynn Minmay Blessed with the voice that makes a thousand men jelly. Rittle girl start out as a velly, velly, sirry Chinee waitress. She wins a beauty competition and snags a singing career by blowing the recording company’s chairman. Her voice unites two races with the magic of music. She is supposed to be based on the singer Vera Lynn who was popular with both the Germans and English during WW2. On the downside, she’s a total flake like any girl but unlike girls, she has tremendous power at controlling her vag because what 15 year old girl can get trapped with an 18 year old boy for 2 or 3 weeks and come back home a virgin? Plus she’s more annoying than Jem.

Claudia LaSalle The ONLY BLACK WOMAN aboard the Macross. With few prospects of mating with her own kind, she dates and hopes to be impregnated by a big, hunky white American man that's oddly reminiscent of Robert Redford from the Great Waldo Pepper...

Roy Focker Ace pilot and former role model for Hikaru before the latter became a walking vagina. He seeks to blow his seed into the womb of Claudia LaSalle and is punished for his sinful inter-breeding thoughts by being killed halfway through the series.

Max Jenius A pilot cursed with acne, glasses and blue hair. He falls in love with a Zentradi woman and miraculously avoids the punishment inflicted on Focker.

Milia Fallyna Best Zentradi pilot and staunch lesbian until she is defeated and put in her place by Max Jenius. She fucks Max (off-screen, children’s show and all) and eventually gives birth to seven daughters, which means she’s either Catholic or Mormon.

The Movie

In 1984, Super Dimension Fortress Macross - Do You Remember Love? was released. It’s not a sequel. It’s the same fucking story told differently. Its only saving grace is that the animation is Disney level. Worth seeing, if you can find a Region I copy that isn’t crap.

Sequels

Dear God, yes, there are more...

Macross II

The least said, the better. Moving on...

Macross Plus OVA

Sounds like a brand of soda. In spite of that, it’s got this cool idea of a vocaloid taking over the planet. On the downside, it’s got the typical “lover’s triangle” shtick that plagued the fist series. One of the triangle’s angles is a Zentradi named Guld Goa Bowman, who has his eyes on a sweet Chinee singer named Myung Fan Long. Once again the alien savage who lusts after the pristine Earth woman pays for his transgressions with his life. This frees Myung to open her legs for Isamu Alva Dyson, a nice pure-bred human boy. Myung’s singing saves the world from the evil vocaloid, which IRL would be total bullshit as vocaloids are poised to render the entire human race extinct.

Macross 7

A return to classic shitty animation. Starring Max and Milia from the fist series and their mulatto Mormon spawn. The youngest of which is involved in a crap rock band called Fire Bomber (srsly) that is led by some douche named Basara Nekki, who bears a passing resemblance to Goku from Dragonball Z. Another alien threat... music saves the day... yaaaawwwwnnnnn...

Macross Zero OVA

Just what the series needed: A goddamned prequel. This title ALSO sounds like a brand of diet soda. A fighter pilot named Shin Kudo comes across a tribe of hula dancing savages who worship some alien that they call “The Birdman.” This is not to be confused with the cool Birdman from the Hanna-Barbera cartoons. There’s some stupid subplot about “secessionist terrorists” and "ecological harmony" and the "evils of technology"... then, SURPRISE! Singing saves the day! Fortunately in the third chapter of Macross Zero, you see a sexy brown woman bare her big heaving breasts. Tits save the story.

Macross Frontier

Celebrating the 25th Anniversary of the first travesty, Macross Frontier rips off Battlestar Galactica follows the adventures of a fleet of Space Colonies that transform into Giant Motherfucking Robots that battle the Vajra, which are Giant Cyborg Insects!!! Sounds cool? Wait a minute, ‘cos just when things start to look bad-ass, we’re clocked over the head with a LOVE TRIANGLE and MORE GOD DAMNED SINGING!!! The series climaxes with a space battle and a sing-off between the Vajra (the only species in the universe other than humans that knows what music is) and the degenerate Human/Zentradi mongrels. So yeah, robots... singing... it’s like Mobile Suit Gundam meets American Idol. It’s got some cool CGI though, and it’s got Klang Klang, a giant Zentradi babe with Monstrously Big Breasts!!! I swear, you could cram yourself in between them and never want to come out! Fappity-Fap-Fap!!!

ROBOTECH??? Are you fucking KIDDING me?

In 1985, three years after the Original Macross came out, some evil perfidious hack named Carl Macek took the series and stiched it ass to mouth with two unrelated series named Super Dimension Cavalry Southern Cross and Genesis Climber Mospeada. Their only common bond are Giant Honkin’ Robots. Macek took this “human centipede” of animation and dubbed it Robotech. He changed the cool Japanese character names into some dull-ass Amurikkkan names. Example: Hikaru Ichijyo becomes “Rick Hunter,” Misa Hayase becomes “Lisa Hayes” and Lynn Minmay becomes... uh... “Lin Minmei.”

Then there’s this jabbering about “protoculture.” Originally, it was the name of some kick ass space aliens that created the Zentradi in the original version of Macross. In this English version, protoculture becomes some woo-woo energy source that is kind o’ like The Force, only more retarded.

Worse still, Robotech introduced American nerd larvae to the original Macross and paved the way for Megazone 23, Akira, Ghost in the Shell... and yes, Boku No Pico. Behold, the evolutionary link between Mecha and Shotacon has been established. Now give me my fucking Nobel Prize.


Michael Bay to direct live action movie

The fan boys are bitching because Michael Bay has expressed interest in making a live action version of Robotech and they are claiming that this is another part of their childhood, if they were born in 1973, that he wants to ruin but think about it, this is right up his alley of expertise. All it is is giant robots, explosions and the human interaction that the autistic fucks claim ruined Transformers. In other words, it's The Transformers with a plot. Throw in a couple of product placements and I am pretty sure he could get a minimum of 6 movies out of it. The idea of the sound track alone probably has Michael Bay nutting himself to sleep. Even the recycling gives old Mike Bay a hard on because, for instance, even the music is recycled through all 3 versions. Why write music for 3 different movies when all that is needed is to write it only once and have differant people sing it? This series was made for Michael Bay to develop into a movie.


How to Troll a Macross Fan

  1. Call Macross "Robotech". They'll pee their pants in impotent rage.
  2. Tell them The Transformers came out first.
  3. Tell them The Go-Bots came out first.
  4. Call Hikaru Ichijyo "Rick Hunter."
  5. Spell Minmay M-I-N-M-E-I.
  6. If you meet a fan in person, sing ANY Minmay song at the top of your lungs.
  7. Make the obvious joke about Roy Focker's last name.
  8. Tell them the animation sucks.
  9. Ask, "Isn't Macross one of those tentacle porn cartoons?"
  10. Call Macross a "cartoon" instead of "animated series."
  11. Pronounce Macross "McRoss."
  12. Tell them Minmay is the best character in the series. That's like telling a Star Wars fan you think Jar-Jar Binks is the greatest character evar.
  13. Refer to "Super Dimension Fortress Macross: Do You Remember Love?" as "The Robotech Movie."
  14. Just say the name "Carl Macek."
  15. Simply say, "Never heard of it."

Gallery


See Also

External Links


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