Suri Cruise

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OK, SERIOUSLY. How much hair did you have when you were a few months old? If that baby's not an animatronic dummy then it's wearing a wig.

Suri Cruise is the alleged daughter of devout placentafag Tom Cruise. She has been the sauce of many lulz for both those in Project Chanology and the Old Media in recent months, due to the following facts:

  • Her birth certificate was not signed by a doctor.
  • The pictures of her mother while pregnant clearly show inflation and deflation, almost as if someone were trying badly to hoax a pregnancy but was too batshit insane to realize what they were doing from day to day, the hoax probably had something to do with the moonchild conspiracy in the paragraph below.
  • She was basically invisible for the first several months of her life.
  • She was fed L. Ron Hubbard's "barley water" babyfood recipe instead of milk from Katie's tats.

The Moonchild

As told by L. Ron Hubbard Jr. in an interview with Penthouse magazine (which is a publication that is well known for its credibility and journalistic integrity), L. Ron Hubbard Sr. thought himself to be the Antichrist in a schizophrenic delusion, partially due to his heavy involvement in Satanism. Hubbard believed that he was to produce a demonic "moonchild" by performing Satanic rituals on his pregnant wives. When the creation of the moonchild was unsuccessful, he immediately aborted it with a coathanger to dispose of the evidence. The theory is that Suri Cruise may in fact be the moonchild. If it is true, then it is likely that Tom Cruise is actively involved in the Church of Scientology's ultra-secret occult/Satanic worship as well as their criminal activities. The purpose of the moonchild is to prevent the second coming of Christ, and ensure that Satan's apocalypse is successful, which may actually have been the ultimate goal of Scientology from the beginning. L. Ron may have been affiliated with and received orders from the Satanic Illuminati/New World Order world governing secret-society for the purpose of ensuring a successful apocalypse(and Tom Cruise knows it). Tom, Katie, and Suri are at the center of it all.

Suri Cruise was given to Tom and Katie by the church of Satan. The identities of Suri's biological parents are unknown, but it is likely that they are Asian.

Conspiracy Theories

The True Account

Katie was implanted with L. Ron Hubbard's frozen sperm, so Suri is really L. Ron's daughter. You have to be a batshit insane Scientologist to believe this, but in Scientology "what is true is what is true for you"; ergo, that is the truth.

The Phantom Baby Theory

Mom lost the baby, and they never told Tom. Hilarity ensues.

The Cuckold Theory

The kid isn't Tom's, and they put up a smokescreen until they found a baby that looked like him.

The Pirates Of The Caribbean Theory

Cruise killed the baby with scurvy by feeding it corn syrup instead of milk, as per fucking Child Dianetics textbooks.

The Quiet Birth Theory

Cruise has killed the baby by giving it a "Quiet Birth," where the baby is put in isolation for two weeks to prevent its body thetans or some shit from getting fucked up, as per fucking Child Dianetics textbooks rather than having her looked after by doctors doing things like MAKING SURE THE BABY DOESN'T DIE.

The Child Abuse Theory

Cruise killed the baby by treating it like a domestic animal, as per fucking Child Dianetics textbooks.

The Batshit Theory

Cruise killed the baby by being generally batshit insane, and Scientology is unrelated. Perhaps following his spell on Oprah he still thinks that strangling someone is a show of affection, or perhaps he stamped on its head while jumping up and down on its cot to show his love for it.

The Damage Control Theory

The CSI, being able to smell a PR disaster coming, took the baby away from Tom and he is too devoted to them to question the decision.

The Alien Abduction Theory

Suri Cruise was abducted by the Marcab fleet, and is now the subject of a vicious custody battle between the 7chan destroyer (who want to have sex with her) and the SA Goon destroyer (who want to use her to play beach volleyball). Marcab High Command claim that an abducted little girl is in their custody, but that it's Madeline McCann.

The "Baby Daddy" Theory

Suri Cruise's real father is rumored to be Chris Klein from "American Pie", whom Katie was banging before Tom.



April 17 2008 Breaking News! Katie has taken the robot baby and done a runner! YOU GO, GIRL! FREE SURI! FREE SURI!

She desperately needs to be on her own for a while, but there's no way Tom is going to let her take Suri away," an insider tells Star. "There's no way he'll allow it. He just doesn't want Katie - or Suri - out of his sight for long. He told her that if she goes to New York, fine, but he goes with her." Further, the couple's tug of war over their daughter has intensified as of late. "Tom wants to call all the shots when it comes to Suri," says an insider. "He has a lot of rules, and there's conflict."


Star Magazine


As of May 1st 2008, Tom has decided on Katie's punishment for trying to run away: THREE DAYS OF INTENSIVE AUDITING. Oh, God help that poor woman.

"It included various tests, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes," a Scientology insider reveals. "Tom insists that auditing and purification practices are incredibly beneficial to Scientologists at all levels." Katie's intensive Scientology training and treatments have been accelerated in recent weeks, says another source, because she wanted to go to New York City without Tom to star in a Broadway play. But Tom stepped in and put the kibosh on her plans. And now Katie's been going in for a series of intensive auditing sessions, some which have lasted for 36 hours straight — with little sleep or food.


—Star Magazine

Xenu homeboy.pngSuri Cruise is part of a series on ScientologyXenu homeboy.png



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