The Transportation Security Agency (AKA Tasty Sexual Assault, Touchy Scrotum Assessment, or Twisted Sack Assist) is a government organization under the command of the Committee for State Security. Because it is an agency which adheres to the Patriot Act as its Bible, its sole purpose is to hand out strip searches and cavity exams at airports across the country in hopes of catching potential delicious lolis. In an unusual attempt to actually keep the public "informed" of their actions, the TSA has set up a blog on its website so that freedom loving Americans everywhere can let off steam while at the same time be ignored. However, in predictable government fashion, they somehow manage to fuck everything up and tend to come off as either completely ridiculous or subjective to the point of absurdity. So if Grenades: A Refresher Course on Checkpoint Etiquette sounds interesting to you, head on over and be entertained while the government records your IP address and
begins continues to monitor your online activities.
You probably just got placed on the terrorist watch list just for reading this article.
- 1 TSA Success Stories
- 2 Janet Napolitano
- 3 The TSA and You
- 4 TSA Greatest Hits Vol. 1
- 5 Naked Body Scanners and Grope Searches
- 6 What If I Refuse?
- 7 John S. Pistole
- 8 National Opt Out Day
- 9 Children's Toys
- 10 Meanwhile, over at the Border Patrol
- 11 Spent $1.4 million on an app that chooses left or right
- 12 Gallery
- 13 Videos
- 14 See Also
- 15 External Links
TSA Success Stories
In 2010, the TSA began ramping up the use of Advanced Imaging Technology to scan passengers as they attempted to board their flights. Since many objected to government rent-a-cops seeing them naked, passengers are given the ability to "opt out" of these scans. People who choose to "opt out" of the radiation bath are generously offered the alternative search method: getting frisked by a TSA agent. As cell phones and internets enter the equation, lulz were sure to ensue.
The Tyner Incident
John Tyner was boarding a flight with his father-in-law as they headed out of San Diego on a hunting trip. San Diego is a well known breeding ground for caucasian terrorists, so of course John was selected for the AIT scan. After responding "lol, no", he was directed to the VIP rape room. Hitting "record" on his cell phone later proved to be a big hit on YouTube.
<video type="youtube" id="7txGwoITSj4" width="350" height="240" frame="true" position="center"/>
The TSA is now saying they're going to "investigate" Tyner and possibly fine him $11,000.
The tl;dr version:
3 Year Old Terrorist Foiled
The TSA has recently ruined another terrorist plot. This one was disguised as a young Thomas the Tank Engine fan. Luckily for us, after examining his penis they nabbed him and his backpack, thwarting the next 9/11.
TSA: Your #1 Source for Wheelchair Porn
52 year old Tammy Banovac was exposed for hours in lingerie by TSA wheelchair fetishists angry she wouldn't allow them to cavity-search her. "Why she would complain is beyond us, as she can't even feel down there", some allegedly raged.
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, who is also exempt from these searches, says terrorists will continue to look for U.S. vulnerabilities, making tighter security standards necessary.
“Terrorists are going to continue to probe the system and try to find a way through. I think the tighter we get on aviation, we have to also be thinking now about going on to mass transit or to trains or maritime. So, what do we need to be doing to strengthen our protections there?”
The secretary has adamantly defended the new screening methods, which include advanced imaging systems and pat-downs, as necessary to ineffectively stop terrorists and fill the coffers of those selling such equipment. During the interview with Rose, Napolitano said her agency is now looking into ways to make other popular means of travel more invasive of the people's rights, more of a hassle for commuters, and more profitable for corporations.
The TSA and You
While traveling the friendly skies please remember that you're not just being ogled and groped for no reason, you're being ogled and groped to keep America safe. After all, this is way better than just profiling Muslims. And when the terrorists learn to avoid detection by keistering their C4, Uncle Sam will be there, ready and waiting to prolapse your rectum. After all, why do you think TSA workers sign up for the job? The pay?
TSA Greatest Hits Vol. 1
News coverage video compilation of TSA just doing their job.
Naked Body Scanners and Grope Searches
TSA says tits or GTFO! If it wasn't bad enough that the government was staging all the terror, making sure all the terrorists got to their destinations, now it's in your pants. They want to take pictures of you naked and store these images on the machine. This means that everyone who goes through the machine has his or her picture stored in the machine. Men, women and children are equally subject to this kind of scan. This violates child pornography laws, as well as the personal instinct of right and wrong. There is also the exposure to radiation, which is many times that of an x-ray at the doctor. If you go to have an x-ray done, they use shielding made of lead to protect your body from the unnecessary exposure. Radiation even in the doses used is considered too dangerous for you to not be protected. The doctor leaves the room, which highlights the dangers involved at even low levels of radiation used for diagnostic reasons. The naked body scanner, which gives off radiation merely by being on, is also a harm for the operators, but nobody cares about them. Other places they are used are in courthouses and random trucks driving on the highway. 
What If I Refuse?
The TSA worker will then scream so everyone can hear "OPT OUT! OPT OUT! WE HAVE AN OPT OUT!" to humiliate you and make it obvious that you are refusing the scan. You will then be groped and felt all over your body by a man if you are a man or a woman if you are a woman. You can also be subject to having them search you by sticking their hand down your pants to their wrist. You are then felt down and patted on the front and back, often in public. If they ask to take you to a private place, REFUSE CALMLY, BUT BE FIRM. These people WILL rape you at the first opportunity. They are control freaks who are in this job field because they couldn't get a job at McDonald's. This is what they want to do; humiliate and violate. Some of the TSA agents are not bad/wicked/horrible people, but this is a minority in the TSA. Just kidding, they are all pedophile rapists. And don't forget, the TSA agents don't change their gloves so you are guaranteed to get STDs from the groping. 
John S. Pistole
John S. Pistole
is was the great chairman of the TSA for a while and absolutely loveeed his job at the TSA: molesting and humiliating people without even being in the same room. While he sat in his great golden throne while being worshiped by absolute fucking morons, he likes to scream at the top of his lungs that he is the almighty God.
Pistole, hot as a pistol, was replaced by a new victim called JEH Johnson. It's a JEH. Not a "Jay" or a "John" or a "tree branch" but a JEH. As in "meh". The great employees at TSA doesn't even know who he is, but they are too busy looking at your penis in a radiation bath so lulz.
National Opt Out Day
National Opt Out Day was for a more organized protest of this legalized TSA rape of adults and children. The media all reported it fizzled and was much ado about nothing. However, the articles state that the TSA did turn OFF all of the machines on that day in anticipation of this protest. This clearly defeats the point that the cancer machines were oh so vital to national security. The joke was on the TSA as it was reported that not many people flew that day. It was the most subtle protest in history and the TSA missed the whole thing. Perhaps they were too busy making a young mother miss her flight as she had a great rack or putting on their required pedobear outfits for the children.
A lot of people are still protesting in full swing and there are reports and youtubes of people showing up at the airports already in their underwear or wearing a bathing suit.
Playmobil Security Check Point. Reviews from Buyers:
Meanwhile, over at the Border Patrol
Spent $1.4 million on an app that chooses left or right
Because they like to pretend that they actually randomize who they select as the next to receive an anal probing. So of course they needed an app for that. And because they like to spend your money they paid more than one million dollars on something that can be replicated on ED with 15 seconds of coding. Don't believe me? Refresh the page to see a new result.
Great use of money.
- The Blog
- Turned off
- The 7 Dumbest Things Ever Done by Airport Security
- Theater of the Absurd at the T.S.A.
- Can I bring a bomb with me on a plane?
|Featured article December 7, 2010|