Tamagotchi

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The true Tamagotchi.
The obvious ripoff.

A Tamagotchi is a tiny, digital slave bound inside a cheap, mass-produced plastic egg. They (like all cheap, mass-produced, brightly colored plastic crap) originated in an Asian country. Tamagotchis were popular and all the cool kids had to have one in the late 90's.

But why?

Tamagotchi was originally intended to amuse children for days by giving them a little creature to care for. It was supposed to encourage nurturing feelings in kids by simulating the experience of having a beloved pet. Owning an actual pet is often very arduous and expensive, not to mention both physically and emotionally demanding. With that said, a Tamagotchi was totally like owning a real pet:

  • They could be suspended from a metal ring, clipped to a necklace or backpack and carried with you everywhere.
  • Your pet's basic needs could be met through cold, unfeeling button mashing. No other exertion on your behalf was ever required.
  • If you forgot to feed or care for your pet for a couple of days, it would die. But you could always just stab them in the back with a pencil where there was a hidden reset button, which immediately brought them back to life. In the same manner, you could always relive the best part of a pet, their cute babyhood and adolescence. Anytime they got old and just sat around and pooped, you could stab them back into their adorable infancy. If you wanted to stick it out with a decrepit old virtual pet, there was no need to have it put down, as it's life span was a few days to two weeks at best.

Yep, just like real life. Pointing these things out in Tamagotchi forums and fan sites results in great butthurt; many Tamagotchifags will still attempt to justify their pride over successfully rearing their "virtual pet" or their emotional attachment to them.

Tamagotchi drama

Many of the lowest points of humanity that occurred in the late 90's were in the direct vicinity of Tamagotchi toys (the rest of the low points were around boy bands). Some schools put up bans on Tamagotchi toys because emotionally disabled kids would freak the fuck out if their beloved digital slave passed away in class. Many a rain forest was felled to create enough Kleenex to sop up the collective tears of grieving faggots. Of course, within minutes, just about all grew their balls back and did the right thing; stabbed the plastic, vacant carcass of their deceased pet and reset them back to life. There is some speculation that the resurrection of Jesus actually occurred in a quite similar manner.

Characters

Hawt!
Error creating thumbnail: File missing
How Tamagotchi views nuns. Pretty accurate.
  • Mametchi: The end result of actually taking care of your Tamagotchi; thus, he is impossible to obtain.
  • Memetchi: A female gotchi that is Mametchi's slut. She comes from GuroGuro Town. Coincidence?
  • Kuchipatchi: They try to deny it, but he's a fat, green duck!
  • Violetchi: All questions can be answered by Rule 34.
  • Gozarutchi: A Ninja, no moar questions need to be asked.
  • Mimitchi: The end result of a company ripping itself off.
  • Ichigotchi: A fruit.
  • Ringotchi: Another fruit.
  • Kiwitchi: Not a fruit.
  • KuroMametchi: An emo version of Mametchi. He also wears pink.
  • PapaKurotchi: One of the most homosexual characters on Tamagotchi. He is a transvestite with many piercings, wears pink and has a goatee. He is also possibly a rapist.
  • Bill: A secret character and the severed head of Bill Clinton; people can refer to him as The Science Guy.
  • Makiko: An even sluttier version of Memetchi and Violetchi.
  • Young Mametchi: A young version of Mametchi people didn't like, so he was replaced by Toon Mametchi.
  • Tamagotchi Planet: WTF!? The planet they live on is ALIVE!
  • Oyajitchi: His name translates to "your boss". He's drunk as hell all the time.
  • Otokitchi: An old woman who runs a brothel. Seriously.
  • Ojitchi: A very old guy who's Japanese name translates to ohSHITchi. You can only get him by cock-blocking your Tamagotchi until they're too old to do it. Wanders the streets selling porn of underage gotchis.
  • Nazotchi: Even if you badly want him, the company says "Fuck you!"
  • Nyrotchi: It's exactly what he looks like.
  • Masktchi: A woman that's apparently Gozarutchi's bitch.
  • Maidtchi: A submissive underage virgin that obese manchildren fap over.
  • Gotchi King: The King of Tamagotchis that lusts over younger gotchis since his wife's an egg, just like himself.

Versions

No matter how you look at it, all Tamagotchi are the same with little things changed. Let's have a look, shall we.

  • Original: The thing that started it all.
  • Original 2: Refresh of the thing that started it all.
  • Bug Version: One with bug Tamagotchis, it gives you the power to yell at it.
  • Fish Version: One with fish Tamagotchis, it has a motion sensor so you can shake it like a nanny possessed.
  • Angel Version: One where the Tamagotchis are already dead (that's one thing out of the way).
  • Devil Version: One where your supposed to keep it from being a Troll.
  • Morino Version: One where you can live a bug's life, and get pwned by a human.
  • Dinkie Dino: One where you look after a Dinosaur, so like Rawr and stuff.
  • Connection: One where it has an evil red eye that when you have two staring at each other, one of the gotchis jumps to the other one, rapes, steals the baby, and never sees them again (the perfect crime).
  • Connection 2: Like last time, but you can now win prize money from stupid games and buy cool crap.
  • Connection 3: Now you can connect to the internets and learn cheat codes for cool crap.
  • Connection 4: One where you can apply for a job interview, but you almost always fail, and you receive chain letters in the mail. Your Tamagotchi also does research at school.
  • Connection 4.5: Yes, it's the same.
  • Tamago Chu: Teen pregnancy ftw!
  • Connection 5: Now you can take care of a whole family, but instead of dying, they get pissed and fly to their living planet.
  • Connection 5.5 Royal Version: I think you get the idea. You iz a god in this one.
  • Music Star: Where your Tamagotchi gets an instrument and competes on America's got Talent, loses, and becomes a street performer sucking dick for a living. And there's Music City, where you can sell your ear-bleeding music.
  • Color Version: Japan only.
  • Tama Go: Now you can shove a piece of plastic crap up your Tamagotchi's pussy, if it's female, and play some crappy games. It's also bigger than the rest.

Other stuff

Stuff that isn't a plastic egg.

  • Game Boy: The first one made into a video game, because people were too lazy to buy the little egg thing. They also over-dramatized the death scene of your Tamagotchi, with that whole "laying on the ground with a heart meter dying out, showing your best memories together (which is essentially it shaking in agony), then it turns into an Angel."
  • Corner Shop: A game on the DS, in this one, you have to do random things in different stores. You haz to do the same shit over 9000 times.
  • Corner Shop 2: This time you can now play as a doctor that molests patients.
  • Corner Shop 3: You get kidnapped and turned into one of them, then they make you do random things in different stores. An orgy then happens as a secret ending if you get 100% completion.
  • Party On: A game where you try to become just like George Bush, doing yet again moar random things.

Blessed cultural irrelevance

Tamagotchis can still be found in toy stores or online, indicating that there is some lingering demand for them. However, no one has stepped forward to claim responsibility for purchasing them and thereby forcing store managers to restock. It's safe to assume that the cool kids have realized how ghey Tamagotchis were all along, although they would swiftly deny any such accusation. Only prepubescent girls and weirdos with neckbeards continue to hoard the toys, hoping to one day feel even the slightest bit of affection from another human being. Since this is the makeup of the current Tamagotchi fanbase, it's just too easy to troll and make fun of them.

Tamagotchi vs Australia

The V2 in question, built on the same engine as Crysis and showing a whale.


   
 
I don't want the kids of today to become the gambling addicts of tomorrow with a game like this.
 

 
 

Because playing with toys will turn you into a monster.

When Tamagotchi Connection Version 2 was released in Australia, anti-gambling politician Nick Xenophon attempted to get it either banned or given an R18+ rating because one game featured gambling. Cue such a wave of Tamatard RAGE that he eventually just gave up.

Videos

A real Tamagotchi character.

The King experiences the tragic loss from death.

Bad parenting.

Episode 69 of the anime.

Fanfiction

What? This article needs moar retarded fanfiction stories.
You can help by adding moar retarded fanfiction stories.

Doctor's Check Up

It's a normal "dark" morning in Ura Tama Town. In a local gotchi clinic, Mametchi was about to open shop until someone knocked on the door. He threw the Closed sign to the sofa and looked at the gotchi behind the plexiglas door, a Ura Young Violetchi.

"Is it open?" she asked.

"You're my first patient. Please come in."

"Thanks!" and she walked inside.

"What seems to be the problem?" he asked.

"I have a fever, I feel tired, I have a runny nose and *cough* I can't stop coughing."

"Is that so?" and she nodded. Mametchi then herded her to the check up room. She sat down on the elevated bed and the check up began as Mametchi touched her chest.

"It's all warm."

"Hey!" she recoiled.

Mametchi then looked up. "Oh, sorry there," he quickly apologized before grabbing a thermometer off the shelf and placed it in her mouth.

  • beep*
  • beep*
  • beep*
  • bee-beep*

He looked at the thermometer. She has a fever.

He grabbed the ice pack from the freezer and placed it on her forehead. It was cold and she shivered but her fever quickly went away. Mametchi then placed the stethoscope dangling from his neck on her chest. A purple ring soon spreaded out of the chestpiece.

He grabbed a syringe filled with purple liquid and injected on her right arm. "Does it hurt?" he asked.

"Nope," and she coughed out spiky, orange scribbles.

He opened a container and took a spiky, orange pill. He then grabbed a paper cup from a frameless cabinet, filled it with water and gave it to her. She intakes the pill, drank and swallowed as the doctor then wiped her nose clean with a tissue before giving her a massage to relieve her from fatigue. He massaged her forehead and went lower, to her chest, her back, her legs and finally, up to her crotch.

He slowly spreaded her thighs apart with both of his hands before brushing through her womanhood as her cheeks flushed red. She squirmed around uncomfortably, feeling cold rubber as he kept massaging the area smooth and slowly.

The young gotchi then started sweating as her clitoris firmly stood erect. She looked down on the doctor with his blue rubber gloves fixating on her raw pucker, letting out a premature groan as a dribble of pleasure leaked out from the molestation.

"Do you feel better?" he asked as he removed the gloves stained with her juice, finally finished with the check up.

"I feel good as new," she meekly said before giving out an awkward smile.

"That will be 70 Gotchi then."

"Um, here you go."

"Take care of yourself," he said and she left the clinic to go home, feeling weak from her check up.

"How's your check up?" her mother asked as she entered inside. She turned her head left and gave a false smile to her mother washing dishes.

"It was great!" She then climbed upstairs, went inside her room and closed the door before laying down on her bed.

"That felt...weird," she whispered to herself. She buried herself underneath the thick blanket and gently rubbed her mound as her clitoris popped out of its hood again.

"But...Doctor Mametchi..." she gently moaned. "It feels so good..."


See also

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