Team Fortress 2

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Team Fortress 2 is a class-based MMOFPS War-Themed Hat Simulator for the PC, linux, and Mac. Originally it was a faithful recreation of the original Quake and Half-Life mods, but has since evolved from its original design into a pointless virtual collect-a-thon where the player must collect every rare item they can by any means necessary, in order to inflate their ego and show off their E-peen. The original point of the game revolved around playing game modes such as capturing the enemy intelligence, pushing a bomb to the enemy base, or controlling a whole map by Scout-rushing control points, but now all this is nothing more than a small minigame to pass the time with while you wait for more weapons and rare items to magically drop into your inventory while doing fuck all on Achievement, Trade, Idle or non-serious, fun-oriented servers. Once played by and cherished by many gamers, now the game is only played by weeaboos, bronies, furries, Meme loving faggots from 9gag and reddit, Basement dwelling Social Justice Warrior trannies from tumblr, 12 year olds, and Gurl gamurs. Unlike other games by valve, TF2 failed to be an esport simply for it being a shitty game.


Contents

Classes


It doesn't matter how you play, you're still going to piss someone off.


Class: Scout Soldier Pyro Demoman Heavy Engineer Medic Sniper Spy
Scout

The Scout claims to have come from Boston, and while growing up, lived in a rough neighborhood. He is the youngest of eight children, which not only means that his mom is a whore, but that he has an inferiority complex. The solution to avoid getting raped by his clearly superior siblings was to do what any bitch would do, and run away from his problems. Due to an addiction to Bonk Soda, he has developed a bad case of Tourette's which forces him to call out "boink" and "bonk" all the goddamn time. Scout also has an irrational fear of rainbows, an obvious metaphor for his closeted homosexuality. He can also capture 'Capture Points' twice as fast as other classes.

Boink!

Your average Scout

  • Will use the Scattergun or the Fag-A-Nature, but can't aim for shit because they run and double-jump non-stop.
  • Will use the Bonk! Atomic punch, because without it they'd never be able to reach the Capture point/Intelligence.
  • Will use the Sandman, because they think they'll be able to hit anyone with the baseball.
  • Will run past a Spy about to backstab an enemy Heavy-Medic combo and alternate hitting each of them with the bat, killing himself and giving away the location of the Spy trying to do something productive.
Soldier

The Soldier, AKA "Jane Doe", is the only class with rocket launchers, and often blows off his feet with them in his failed attempts at trying to fly. He wanted to fight in WW2, but the Gov'ment told him he was too batshit insane. He went apeshit and instead spent the next few years mass killing Nazis until someone decided to tell him the war was over 4 years ago, which makes him a terrorist. He claims to be a good soldier as proven by the many medals he has made for himself.

He will eat you.



Your average Soldier

  • Will use the Direct Shit simply because it does more damage. They'll sometimes resort to the standard Rocket Launcher if they can't aim for shit, or even the Cockmongler 5000 to spam the charge attack and hope it hits.
  • Will have the Buff Banner equipped but never live long enough to use it.
  • Will use the Equalizer because they think the higher-damage-at-less-health thing has any use outside of melee-only duels.
  • Will chase a Dead-Ringer Spy into a corner and blow themselves up trying to kill him instead of using the shotgun.
Pyro

A trap/robot in a gas mask who takes a fuckton of hallucinogens, to the point where he believes he lives in a wondrous land of magic, candy, bright colours, pixies, and all things wonderful. Therefore he is totally not a bloodthirsty murderer, and you're a retarded cunt if you say otherwise.

Your average Pyro

  • Will use the Backburner and Axtinguisher together, because the conceited cunts think they're skilled enough to switch weapons at the right time.
  • Will use the Flare Gun to pick off enemies weak enough. If you actually die at the hands of one of these, you're doing it wrong.
  • Never utilizes the airblast. Also will use the Phlogistinator.
  • Will use the Phlogistinator.
  • Will never extinguish teammates with the airblast and wonder why people are running around him calling for a Medic or for help.
  • Will just rush into a crowd of enemies with the Flamethrower and hope for the best.
  • Will stay at the spawn point doing nothing but Spy-checking. In and around the spawn.
Demo Man
You were good son, REAL good. Maybe even the best. - RIP Demoman, 2007-2014
What makes me a good Demoman?

Tavish Degroot, or the Demoman, is the alcoholic Scottish nigger of Team Fortress 2 with a love for all things explosive. The story behind how he lost his left eye remained a mystery until the release of the 2011 Halloween event. As the title suggests, the Demoman's main job is to destroy buildings built by Engineers and ruin everybody's day, but instead he's the first choice of newfags and noobs alike to get easy Dominations by spawncamping the hell out of the enemy with sticky bombs and spamming grenades. Not only that, but the Demoman has the widest variety of melee weapons out of all the classes and has shields intended for use with them. You can make other players and SPUFs butthurt when you say "The Demoman is underpowered". Like IRL Scotsmen, nobody likes him.

Your average Demoman

  • Will use the standard Grenade Launcher to spam grenades everywhere and hope for the best.
  • Will use the Stickybomb Launcher or the Scottish Resistance to place sticky bombs at poor strategic places or the enemy's spawn point.
  • Will use the Frying Pan because of Demopan, but will likely never use it.
Heavy
Heavy, always horny.

The Heavy, or Mikhail, is an obese Russian who really, really hates babies. He talks to his food, has a close relationship with his guns, and has an almost homoerotic relationship with the Medic. The Scout notes that the Heavy is a like a "Big shaved bear that hates people".

Your average Heavy

  • Will use the Brass Beast because of the extra damage, but may use the Minigun instead if they get constantly headshotted/backstabbed.
  • Will use the Sandvich for healing - while being healed by a Medic - instead of healing the Medic while they return the favour.
  • Will use the Killing Gloves of Boxing because they think the crit-boost really helps, despite only being able to kill anything with them if they get lucky.
  • Will often camp near Dispensers.
  • Will not move into enemy territory unless there's a Medic or two sucking their dick.
  • Will not protect said Medic doing the dick-sucking and whine when they die and didn't protect their medic.


Engineer
Someones about to erect one hell of a dispenser

The Engineer, or Dell Conagher, is essentially Bob the Builder, except he's from Texas, has a Robot hand, builds machines that kill people, builds machines that don't fucking talk, and can somehow still play his acoustic guitar perfectly while wearing a thick yellow glove.

Your average Engineer

  • Will use the Frontier Justice because they won't bother to repair their Sentry, or it'll get destroyed frequently because it'd been placed poorly or spam-Sapped by the same Spy.
  • Will use the Lugermorph because reskins = e-peen, or the Wrangler to spam bullets and rockets from their Sentry themselves because they can't use their own weapons.
  • Will use the Gunslinger when playing Red.
  • Will always camp near his sentry.
  • Will randomly hit everyone with their Wrench to make sure they aren't Spies.
  • Will get buttmad if another Engineer nicks his Dispenser's metal instead of using their own.
Medic

An unlicensed Doctor/closet-Nazi that clearly doesn't like the Hippocratic Oath. Secretly addicted to heroin and has a close relationship with the Heavy. He owns a flock of doves and blood gives him a hardon.



Your average Medic

  • Will use the Blutsauger because they think they can aim well enough to heal more damage than they take. Will often resort to the standard Syringe Gun if they realise they can't aim for shit.
  • Will never live long enough to Ubercharge.
  • Will use the Ubersaw because they think they'll hit something with it to increase Uber.
  • Will heal nothing but Heavies.
  • Will never heal Spies.
  • Will never heal Spies.
  • Will heal enemy Spies.
Sniper
The Sniper throws pee.

"Mr. Mundy", more affectionately known as the Snoipah, is a piss-throwing Australian-wannabe wanker born in New Zealand according to an official TF2 Comic who lives in a camper van and prefers to be on his own. His adopted parents are highly against his way of life and believe him to be a crazed gunman. His real parents are from the underwater country of lanky shits called New Zealand who differ greatly from the macho buff Moustachioed Australians by being gangly brainy people. That explains why the sniper doesn't have a moustache, natch.

Your average Sniper

  • Will use the Sniper Rifle or its reskin, the AWPer Hand, to attempt (and often fail) to farm kills from miles away. Will resort to the Cuntsman spamming arrows if they get bored of standing in one spot getting backstabbed by the same Spy over and over again.
  • Will use the SMG (as a main weapon), the Razorback, or a jar of piss.
  • Will have the Tribalman's Shiv. but never use it.
  • Will camp near the spawn.
  • Will try to kill an enemy one mile away with the SMG.
  • Will attempt to play Spy after being shot to death after using the Razorback as a last resort.
Spy

The Spy can disguise as other players and is a Frenchie. He fucks Scout's mom for a living and always smokes after sex. In fact, he smokes after everything, breathing included.

Your average Spy

  • Will use the Ambassador because they think they can get a headshot with it.
  • Will use the Invisiwatch and crouch to try to "sneak" by, since every other player in the game is a Metal Gear Solid guard.
  • Will use the Cloak and Dagger because they'll never move from one spot.
  • Will always disguise as an enemy Spy because they don't realize their disguise and cloaking animations are team-colored.
  • Will always leave the spawn point disguised as an enemy in front of the enemy.
  • Will always use the Deadringer if they realize they suck at spy.
  • Will stand in one place with their gun to try and kill an enemy.
  • Will disguise as the enemy Engineer and place an Electro Sapper on all the actual enemy Engineers sentry's, teleporters and dispensers.
  • Will use the Eternal Reward because they think they can keep a disguise when backstabbing someone for more than 10 minutes.
  • Will use a Strange Dead Ringer if they can get one, because they don't seem to realize that all they're doing is tracking how many times they fuck up.

Weapons used by all classes

Sometime last Thursday, Valve decided it would be fun to introduce a small collection of melee weapons which functioned in the exact same way as the default melee weapons, essentially making them nothing more than expensive cosmetic reskins. The Spy and the Engineer can't use these reskins except the Saxxy for some reason.

  • Saxxy: A Gold trophy depicting TF2's very own Australian Chuck Norris, Saxton Hale. It turns killed enemies into Australium statues. It shines/glows in the dark so it makes for easy target practice for snipers.
  • Frying Pan: Originally only used by the Demoman and the Soldier. The only reason you'd want to use it is because the Scout can swing it faster than every other class, which results in MAXIMUM EARRAPE! In a recent update, they added Strange Bacon Grease, which turns unique pans into strange pans.
  • Conscientious Objector: A wooden road sign used by Christfags and hippies alike to hit people over the head with when others don't agree with them. The sign can be painted with random images using the Decal Tool.
  • Freedom Staff: A staff with a golden eagle on the top. Yet another promotional weapon awarded for buying the "Total War Master Collection", a selection of shit games you won't play.
  • Bat Outta Hell: A skull attached to a backbone. You can only get it if you get it by chance from a Mann Co. crate or buying it from the Mann Co. Store. Either way you have to fork out real jewgolds for it.
  • Memory Maker: A fucking camera. Awarded to the sad cunts who submitted their entries to the Second Annual Saxxy Awards and made it to the finals.
  • Ham Shank: A joint of meat which you hold by the bone. Awarded in Genuine quality for buying a game nobody cares about.
  • Golden Frying Pan: The ultimate coda to TF2's trading craze. Introduced in the November 28 Two Shitties update, only available if you earn it after completing the Tour, even then you have a 0.000000000001% chance of earning it. It now takes the cake for the rarest weapon in the game. A guy sold it for $5400.

Hats

Consensus among the player base regarding TF2's hats.

Just because they thought TF2 wasn't that gay yet, Valve announced that they would release items that would be given out at random during play, to force no-lifes and children to spend even more time on this fucked up game. After much masturbating by the TF2 community, many were pissed that they couldn't get the new unlocks and cried whenever they saw a player with the new item. Realizing how much jew golds can they earn, Valve started releasing shitload of pay-to-get hats, which players would happily spend money on instead of buying drugs or sex. For a full list of these hats, go here.

These are some of the more notable hats in the game which are now "Retired"; unavailable by crafting, random drops, via the Mann Co. store or "Unusual" crafting:

  • Batter Helmet: Scout's baseball cap because he's a wanna-be Babe Ruth.
  • Soldier's Stash: A 'Nam style helmet with an Ace of Spades and blunts for Soldier to smoke.
  • Pyro's Beanie: This name supports Pyro's latin background theory. Pissed off profags who thought the fan on top of the bean hat could spin.
  • Demoman's Fro: Demoman removes his suburban skull cap to reveal his stereotypical Blaxploitation afro.
  • Football Helmet: Heavy, being the American loving Eastern European he is, has a team-colored football helmet since he was too overweight to be a good football player.
  • Mining Light: Engineer straps a light to his work hat. Whoop-de-doo.
  • Prussian Pickelhaube: Fun fact, this medic hat is not a Nazi hat it was an imperial German one.
  • Trophy Belt: Literally Sniper's default fedora with crocodile teeth. Lame.
  • Fancy Fedora: And by fedora it's a trilby as Valve was too dumb to differentiate this Spy hat.

Non-Player Characters

As TF2 progressed down its path to becoming complete shit, a number of non-playable characters appeared. Really, Valve doesn't give a shit about any of them except for Saxton Hale, who is basically an Australian version of Chuck Norris who is slightly less unfunny but far more forced. One noteworthy fact about Saxton is that his name is an anagram for "hot anal sex". The only other character even worth mentioning is The Announcer/Administrator, who is a bitchy chain-smoking hag that sits in a chair and yells about how much you suck at the game.

Heavy's Family: Heavy has a small Russian lady whose Heavy's mom and three younger sisters who, being brawny Eastern European women, are all about the same size as the gigantic heavy. Also the youngest sister, Zhanna, keeps fucking the RED soldier.

The Horseless Headless Horsemann is an instakilling faggot with a fuckload of health, who appears during halloween events, but can be spawned and killed on player-servers to get the achievement at any time of the year anyway and used only on fun servers by server admins to troll. If you assisted in killing it for the first time and not die when it's been killed, you get an achievement and get "haunted metal" to craft one of the two halloween-themed shitty hats or HHH's axe. One of hats is a skull and the other is a round hat with a load of Voodoo shit on it. They're both fuck ugly, nobody likes them and those who do have one, or both of these hats, bought them from the Mann Co. store and used their Haunted Metal for the axe. But don't get too excited, because the axe is just a reskin of the Eyelander, a shitty weapon nobody uses because it's useless. You would only craft one for e-peen.

Jarate

ALL YOUR BASE! Warning!
THIS SHIT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME ON SPUF.

Some time ago a weapon called "Jarate" was added to the Sniper's arsenal. Jarate is basically a jar full of Australian piss. It supposedly started out as an April Fool's joke, until Valve decided to make it an official unlockable for the Sniper. The TF2 forums were immediately filled with over 9000 threads crying about Jarate being gross and immature, and demanding the rolling back of the item through a petition. Their petition failed and nothing of value was lost.

   
 
I spent hours on a psp refreshing and on the forums and all i get is a jar of piss as a weapon!!! - Darksider Look piss isn't funny, and valve this better be a joke. I love sniper, and if you're going to give him a jar of piss to defend from spies then you just ruined him. He already has the shield to defend from spies, and I don't understand why he would need two anti spy weapons. How about you give us a REAL weapon, and not some stupid joke that went too far.
 

 
 

—Just a Gigolo

   
 
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

WOULD YOU PUT HUMAN URINE IN A VIDEO GAME

FORGET EVERY GREAT THING YOU'VE EVER DONE, VALVE.

YOU. OFFICIALLY. SUCK.

THIS CRAP IS NOT FUNNY.

AT FIRST I THOUGHT YOU WERE REDEEMING YOURSELF WITH THE AMBASSADOR, BUT

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

YOU PUT A JAR OF FREAKING PISS IN THE CLASSIEST GAME EVER
 


 
 

—NanoSquid, unleashing the motherfucking rage

   
 
I WILL NEVER FORGIVE VALVE FOR THIS

EVER
 


 
 

—NanoSquid, who never forgives and never forgets

   
 
I WANTED to thank Valve. Everything in this update was downright awesome.

...until Jarate. That concept is filled with more fail than the combined win of every other part of this update. Ruined the entire thing for me.

Fortress Forever? Yesplz.
 


 
 

—Ambersand

   
 
Not because a jar of urine is disgusting (which it is ofcourse), but because its uninspired, stupid, etc. I mean what the hell Valve? You can think up all these great things, but for the sniper inspiration runs out and you can't even consider a boomerang (since he's australian) over Jarate?

You are babies, people with the mind of 5 - who still laugh about pee, poo, etc.
 


 
 

—Airpressure

   
 
Fail petition thread is fail! CRY SOME MOAR!

/pisses in your mouth
 


 
 

—slingblade123, resident urophiliac

   
 
This is disgusting, and an embarrassment to tf2 and the community. Somehow you all think throwing jars of pee is mature? You're immaturity is telling. It's not funny unless you're in fifth grade or a monkey. I'd be embarrassed to have anyone I know seeing me play a game with a jar of pee as a weapon. It's stupid, juvenile, and immature, and anyone who doesn't see that is one of those three things, or so insecure that they want others to think they are one of those three things. I certainly hope valve removes this from the game- or this will be the first update that I am not anxiously waiting to play come Thursday. Valve really really sucked the life out of the update with this unlock.

/signed
 


 
 

—Mitthrawn, because TF2 is serious business

   
 
Its just stupid and they could have done way way better. All it makes me think is.........So the target audience is 12? Then you got the idiots that defend it. Grow up and have a sense of humor....is there come back. Its not what it is, its that it could have been something more fitting then just some lame joke.

/quits moves onto something else.
 


 
 

—Hektik133, who believes someone actually gives a shit

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Memes

Gentlemen

A shitty image macro of the spy. Has its own article.

Nope.avi

Nothing but the engineer saying Nope. Do you want to read about it? Nope

Spy Crabs

Crab on crab action.

Shortly after the game's release it was discovered that holding out your Disguise Kit, looking straight up, crouching, and then moving around resulted in the Spy walking in a wonky manner not unlike a crab. This became an overused meme among unfunny /b/tards. It's not uncommon to see a couple of wannabe-funny tards crabbing around for entire matches while onlookers point fingers and/or guns at them. Many a YouTube video documenting their shenanigans has been posted.

The phenomenon has also spawned a "Save the Endangered Spy Crabs" campaign, perhaps to counter the tendency for players who decide to kill Spy Crabs, or to parody the various campaigns employed by ecoterrorists to prevent the gathering of vital natural resources. Whatever the case, often medics participating in the campaign will use their ubers on the Spy Crabs to keep them alive as long as possible.

In an update, the Spy gained another taunt for the kit that puts the spy in the spy crab pose and he'll click his kit open and closed like a crab.

Bonk Songs

Another popular fad on the internets was to make covers of well-known songs using nothing but the scout's "Bonk!" and "Boink!" sound effects, in a manner not unlike the utilization of PINGAS. The original Bonk Song was of that theme that plays during NFL games. The Bonk Song, as well as some other unfunny TF2 shit, became extremely popular on YouTube and gained more than 100,000 views back when that meant something. Nowadays people have thankfully forgotten about this rejection of human advancement.

Viral Faggotry

Valve decided to make different videos of classes comparing cock sizes. They decided to name them the "Meet the Team" videos. Every video is a documentary of a different class and their particular quirks. One of them is about a fucking sandwich.

Moments With Heavy

An unfunny series on YouTube about everybody's favorite sandvich obsessed character Heavy Weapons Guy. Created by a furfag named kitty0706.

Major Updates

Nuvola
Moar info: Team Fortress 2/Major Updates.

Griefing

TEAM ROOMBA griefs TF2.
Ditto (Part two)
Moar griefing
No one cares about you.
Even moar griefing

Previous Video  |  Next Video

Videos

An average game of Team Fortress 2.
YEAH TOAST!!!
Every class is different
The Passion of the Scout
TF2 Theatre: Rocky IV
Typical TF2 player.
Thor strikes again!
Your typical TF2 player explaining typical things.

Previous Video  |  Next Video


Gallery

Team Fortress 2 About missing Pics

Related Articles

  • Gentlemen, a shitty meme
  • Half-Life, you know, VALVe
  • Counter-Strike, The most played game on Steam until TF2 went F2P
  • Autism, wihch is optional, unlike Minecraft, where full-blown autism is required.
  • Steam, where you play it on
  • Valve, the developers behind the game
  • Virgin, everyone who plays it
  • /v/, where there will be shitfests
  • Piss, the secret sixth element of this game
  • Griefing, which occurs
  • nope.avi, another shitty TF2 meme
  • EverQuest II, another cash shop hat-trading simulator
  • SPUF, where the TF2 board that ponyfags hide from the harsh reality of life in resides.
  • Ace of Spades a similar game but without the hats.
  • Brink, TF2 with more fail and less hats.
  • Soldier Of Fortune II - TF2 only with more 13 year old boys and no hats or rings.
  • Killing Floor - Zombies with hats.
  • Yuikami - She is infecting TF2 with GOTIS. Also the only girl on TF2.
  • The Unknown Autobot - Who has never actually played the game, despite appropriating countless images and soundclips from it in his videos.
  • Fedora - The faggot's chapeau of choice.

External Links

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