Team Fortress 2: Global Offensive
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Team Fortress 2 is a class-based MMOFPS War-Themed Hat Simulator for the PC, linux, and Mac. Originally it was a faithful recreation of the original Quake and Half-Life mods, but has since evolved from its original design into a pointless virtual collect-a-thon where the player must collect every rare item they can by any means necessary, in order to inflate their ego and show off their E-peen. The original point of the game revolved around playing game modes such as capturing the enemy intelligence, pushing a bomb to the enemy base, or controlling a whole map by Scout-rushing control points, but now all this is nothing more than a small minigame to pass the time with while you wait for more weapons and rare items to magically drop into your inventory while doing fuck all on Achievement, Trade, Idle or non-serious, fun-oriented servers. Once played by and cherished by many gamers, now the game is only played by weeaboos, bronies, furries, Meme loving faggots from 9gag and reddit, Basement dwelling Social Justice Warrior trannies from tumblr, 12 year olds, and Gurl gamurs. Unlike other games by valve, TF2 failed to be an esport simply for it being a shitty game. Also, the Melee hit detection is god-awful
The Scout claims to have come from Boston, and while growing up, lived in a rough neighborhood. He is the youngest of eight children, which not only means that his mom is a whore, but that he has an inferiority complex. The solution to avoid getting raped by his clearly superior siblings was to do what any bitch would do, and run away from his problems. Due to an addiction to Bonk Soda, he has developed a bad case of Tourette's which forces him to call out "boink" and "bonk" all the goddamn time. Scout also has an irrational fear of rainbows, an obvious metaphor for his closeted homosexuality. He can also capture 'Capture Points' twice as fast as other classes.
Your average Scout
- Will use the Scattergun or the Fag-A-Nature, but can't aim for shit because they run and double-jump non-stop.
- Will use the Bonk! Atomic punch, because without it they'd never be able to reach the Capture point/Intelligence.
- Will use the Sandman, because they think they'll be able to hit anyone with the baseball.
- Will run past a Spy about to backstab an enemy Heavy-Medic combo and alternate hitting each of them with the bat, killing himself and giving away the location of the Spy trying to do something productive.
The Soldier, AKA "Jane Doe", is the only class with rocket launchers, and often blows off his feet with them in his failed attempts at trying to fly. He wanted to fight in WW2, but the Gov'ment told him he was too batshit insane. He went apeshit and instead spent the next few years mass killing Nazis until someone decided to tell him the war was over 4 years ago, which makes him a terrorist. He claims to be a good soldier as proven by the many medals he has made for himself.
Your average Soldier
- Will use the Direct Shit simply because it does more damage. They'll sometimes resort to the standard Rocket Launcher if they can't aim for shit, or even the Cockmongler 5000 to spam the charge attack and hope it hits.
- Will have the Buff Banner equipped but never live long enough to use it.
- Will use the Equalizer because they think the higher-damage-at-less-health thing has any use outside of melee-only duels.
- Will chase a Dead-Ringer Spy into a corner and blow themselves up trying to kill him instead of using the shotgun.
A trap/robot in a gas mask who takes a fuckton of hallucinogens, to the point where he believes he lives in a wondrous land of magic, candy, bright colours, pixies, and all things wonderful. Therefore he is totally not a bloodthirsty murderer, and you're a retarded cunt if you say otherwise.
Your average Pyro
- Will use the Backburner and Axtinguisher together, because the conceited cunts think they're skilled enough to switch weapons at the right time.
- Will use the Flare Gun to pick off enemies weak enough. If you actually die at the hands of one of these, you're doing it wrong.
- Never utilizes the airblast. Also will use the Phlogistinator.
- Will use the Phlogistinator.
- Will never extinguish teammates with the airblast and wonder why people are running around him calling for a Medic or for help.
- Will just rush into a crowd of enemies with the Flamethrower and hope for the best.
- Will stay at the spawn point doing nothing but Spy-checking. In and around the spawn.
Tavish Degroot, or the Demoman, is the alcoholic Scottish nigger of Team Fortress 2 with a love for all things explosive. The story behind how he lost his left eye remained a mystery until the release of the 2011 Halloween event. As the title suggests, the Demoman's main job is to destroy buildings built by Engineers and ruin everybody's day, but instead he's the first choice of newfags and noobs alike to get easy Dominations by spawncamping the hell out of the enemy with sticky bombs and spamming grenades. Not only that, but the Demoman has the widest variety of melee weapons out of all the classes and has shields intended for use with them. You can make other players and SPUFs butthurt when you say "The Demoman is underpowered". Like IRL Scotsmen, nobody likes him.
It has been revealed in concept art that the Demoman was originally envisioned as an Arab suicide bomber who would rush towards the enemy team and blow himself and everyone around him to kingdom come. This was later changed to be more politically correct.
Your average Demoman
- Will use the standard Grenade Launcher to spam grenades everywhere and hope for the best.
- Will use the Stickybomb Launcher or the Scottish Resistance to place sticky bombs at poor strategic places or the enemy's spawn point.
- Will equip the Frying Pan because of Demopan, but will likely never use it.
The Heavy, or Mikhail, is an obese Russian who really, really hates babies. He talks to his food, has a close relationship with his guns, and has an almost homoerotic relationship with the Medic. The Scout notes that the Heavy is a like a "Big shaved bear that hates people".
Your average Heavy
- Will use the Brass Beast because of the extra damage, but may use the Minigun instead if they get constantly headshotted/backstabbed.
- Will use the Sandvich for healing - while being healed by a Medic - instead of healing the Medic while they return the favour.
- Will use the Killing Gloves of Boxing because they think the crit-boost really helps, despite only being able to kill anything with them if they get lucky.
- Will often camp near Dispensers.
- Will not move into enemy territory unless there's a Medic or two sucking their dick.
- Will not protect said Medic doing the dick-sucking and whine when they die and didn't protect their medic.
The Engineer, or Dell Conagher, is essentially Bob the Builder, except he's from Texas, has a Robot hand, builds machines that kill people, builds machines that don't fucking talk, and can somehow still play his acoustic guitar perfectly while wearing a thick yellow glove.
Your average Engineer
- Will use the Frontier Justice because they won't bother to repair their Sentry, or it'll get destroyed frequently because it'd been placed poorly or spam-Sapped by the same Spy.
- Will use the Lugermorph because reskins = e-peen, or the Wrangler to spam bullets and rockets from their Sentry themselves because they can't use their own weapons.
- Will use the Gunslinger when playing Red.
- Will always camp near his sentry.
- Will randomly hit everyone with their Wrench to make sure they aren't Spies.
- Will get buttmad if another Engineer nicks his Dispenser's metal instead of using their own.
- Will sit back in his chair drinking beer while constantly being healed by Medics who could be helping the team win.
An unlicensed Doctor/closet-Nazi that clearly doesn't like the Hippocratic Oath. Secretly addicted to heroin and has a close relationship with the Heavy. He owns a flock of doves and blood gives him a hardon.
Your average Medic
- Will use the Blutsauger because they think they can aim well enough to heal more damage than they take. Will often resort to the standard Syringe Gun if they realise they can't aim for shit.
- Will never live long enough to Ubercharge.
- Will use the Ubersaw because they think they'll hit something with it to increase Uber.
- Will heal nothing but Heavies.
- Will never heal Snipers.
- Will never heal Spies.
- Will heal enemy Spies.
"Mr. Mundy", more affectionately known as the Snoipah, is a piss-throwing Australian-wannabe wanker born in New Zealand according to an official TF2 Comic who lives in a camper van and prefers to be on his own. His adopted parents are highly against his way of life and believe him to be a crazed gunman. His real parents are from the underwater country of lanky shits called New Zealand who differ greatly from the macho buff Moustachioed Australians by being gangly brainy people. That explains why the sniper doesn't have a moustache, natch.
Your average Sniper
- Will use the Sniper Rifle or its reskin, the AWPer Hand, to attempt (and often fail) to farm kills from miles away. Will resort to the Cuntsman spamming arrows if they get bored of standing in one spot getting backstabbed by the same Spy over and over again.
- Will use the SMG (as a main weapon), the Razorback, or a jar of piss.
- Will have the Tribalman's Shiv. but never use it.
- Will camp near the spawn.
- Will try to kill an enemy one mile away with the SMG.
- Will attempt to play Spy after being shot to death after using the Razorback as a last resort.
- Will use the Ambassador because they think they can get a headshot with it.
- Will use the Invisiwatch and crouch to try to "sneak" by, since every other player in the game is a Metal Gear Solid guard.
- Will use the Cloak and Dagger because they'll never move from one spot.
- Will always disguise as an enemy Spy because they don't realize their disguise and cloaking animations are team-colored.
- Will always leave the spawn point disguised as an enemy in front of the enemy.
- Will always use the Deadringer if they realize they suck at spy.
- Will stand in one place with their gun to try and kill an enemy.
- Will disguise as the enemy Engineer and place an Electro Sapper on all the actual enemy Engineers sentry's, teleporters and dispensers.
- Will use Your Eternal Reward because they think they can keep a disguise when backstabbing someone for more than 10 minutes.
- Will use a Strange Dead Ringer if they can get one, because they don't seem to realize that all they're doing is tracking how many times they fuck up.
Weapons used by all classes
Sometime last Thursday, Valve decided it would be fun to introduce a small collection of melee weapons which functioned in the exact same way as the default melee weapons, essentially making them nothing more than expensive cosmetic reskins. The Spy and the Engineer can't use these reskins except the Saxxy for some reason.
- Saxxy: A Gold trophy depicting TF2's very own Australian Chuck Norris, Saxton Hale. It turns killed enemies into Australium statues. It shines/glows in the dark so it makes for easy target practice for snipers.
- Frying Pan: Originally only used by the Demoman and the Soldier. The only reason you'd want to use it is because the Scout can swing it faster than every other class, which results in MAXIMUM EARRAPE! In a recent update, they added Strange Bacon Grease, which turns unique pans into strange pans.
- Conscientious Objector: A wooden road sign used by Christfags and hippies alike to hit people over the head with when others don't agree with them. The sign can be painted with random images using the Decal Tool.
- Freedom Staff: A staff with a golden eagle on the top. Yet another promotional weapon awarded for buying the "Total War Master Collection", a selection of shit games you won't play.
- Bat Outta Hell: A skull attached to a backbone. You can only get it if you get it by chance from a Mann Co. crate or buying it from the Mann Co. Store. Either way you have to fork out real jewgolds for it.
- Memory Maker: A fucking camera. Awarded to the sad cunts who submitted their entries to the Second Annual Saxxy Awards and made it to the finals.
- Ham Shank: A joint of meat which you hold by the bone. Awarded in Genuine quality for buying a game nobody cares about.
- Golden Frying Pan: The ultimate coda to TF2's trading craze. Introduced in the November 28 Two Shitties update, only available if you earn it after completing the Tour, even then you have a 0.000000000001% chance of earning it. It now takes the cake for the rarest weapon in the game. A guy sold it for $5400.
Just because they thought TF2 wasn't that gay yet, Valve announced that they would release items that would be given out at random during play, to force no-lifes and children to spend even more time on this fucked up game. After much masturbating by the TF2 community, many were pissed that they couldn't get the new unlocks and cried whenever they saw a player with the new item. Realizing how much jew golds can they earn, Valve started releasing shitload of pay-to-get hats, which players would happily spend money on instead of buying drugs or sex. For a full list of these hats, go here.
These are some of the more notable hats in the game which are now "Retired"; unavailable by crafting, random drops, via the Mann Co. store or "Unusual" crafting:
- Batter Helmet: Scout's baseball cap because he's a wanna-be Babe Ruth.
- Soldier's Stash: A 'Nam style helmet with an Ace of Spades and blunts for Soldier to smoke.
- Pyro's Beanie: This name supports Pyro's latin background theory. Pissed off profags who thought the fan on top of the bean hat could spin.
- Demoman's Fro: Demoman removes his suburban skull cap to reveal his stereotypical Blaxploitation afro.
- Football Helmet: Heavy, being the American loving Eastern European he is, has a team-colored football helmet since he was too overweight to be a good football player.
- Mining Light: Engineer straps a light to his work hat. Whoop-de-doo.
- Prussian Pickelhaube: Fun fact, this medic hat is not a Nazi hat it was an imperial German one.
- Trophy Belt: Literally Sniper's default fedora with crocodile teeth. Lame.
- Fancy Fedora: And by fedora it's a trilby as Valve was too dumb to differentiate this Spy hat.
As TF2 progressed down its path to becoming complete shit, a number of non-playable characters appeared. Really, Valve doesn't give a shit about any of them except for Saxton Hale, who is basically an Australian version of Chuck Norris who is slightly less unfunny but far more forced. One noteworthy fact about Saxton is that his name is an anagram for hot anal sex. The only other character even worth mentioning is The Announcer/Administrator, who is a bitchy chain-smoking hag that sits in a chair and yells about how much you suck at the game.
- Ms. Pauling: The Administrator's assisstant and a cock tease of Scout's.
- Heavy's Family: Heavy has a small Russian lady whose Heavy's mom and three younger sisters who, being brawny Eastern European women, are all about the same size as the gigantic heavy. Also the youngest sister, Zhanna, keeps fucking the RED soldier.
- The Horseless Headless Horsemann: An instakilling faggot with a fuckload of health, who appears during halloween events, but can be spawned and killed on player-servers to get the achievement at any time of the year anyway and used only on fun servers by server admins to troll. If you assisted in killing it for the first time and not die when it's been killed, you get an achievement and get "haunted metal" to craft one of the two halloween-themed shitty hats or HHH's axe. One of hats is a skull and the other is a round hat with a load of Voodoo shit on it. They're both fuck ugly, nobody likes them and those who do have one, or both of these hats, bought them from the Mann Co. store and used their Haunted Metal for the axe. But don't get too excited, because the axe is just a reskin of the Eyelander, a shitty weapon nobody uses because it's useless. You would only craft one for e-peen.
- Merasmus: A 9000 year old wizard from Hogwarts who's now RED Soldier's butt buddy after getting his ass kicked by the RED team.
- Monoculus: A shitty Halloween-themed arena boss. It's basically a giant brown eyeball that floats around, raping anyone or anything that gets in the way by shooting out fireballs. This boss isn't as fucking difficult to beat as Mersamus or the Horseless Headless Horsemann, however it can choose to "leave" or "return" to or from the game with a message popping up every fucking time it happens. It has been said that this eyeball is the Demoman's missing eye, but of course, this is just some bullshit theory made up by the less-than-intelligent TF2 community, with Valve having yet to respond to this claim. If you manage to beat this boss, you get a free shitty hat via the random drop system.
- Redmond Mann: One of Zepheniah Mann's sons who hired a bunch of mercenaries to take down his brother, Blutarch Mann to claim territory and total dominance over him. He is the leader of Reliable Excavation Demolition.
- Blutarch Mann: Zepheniah's second son who leads Builder's League United, and like Redmond, has only one primary goal: to eliminate his brother's army and claim his territory. The BLU team is often the underdog, hence getting their ass kicked all the time by the RED team. Valve even shows their bias for the RED team in their "meet the team" videos.
- Gray Mann: The third son of Zepheniah Mann, however, unlike his brothers, he did not hire a fuckload of mercenaries to take down his arch rival brothers. At least 100 years ago, Gray was kidnapped by an eagle who had mistaken him for food and his two brothers haven't seen him in ages. When he returned, he realized how much he'd missed over the years of being kidnapped, and realized that his brothers were engaged in an ongoing war for land and money. Gray, also wanting to have this land and money that his brothers were fighting over, built an army of robots filled with money and sent them to destroy Blutarch and Redmond and their armies, marking the birthdate of co-op mode.
THIS SHIT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME ON SPUF.
Some time ago a weapon called "Jarate" was added to the Sniper's arsenal. Jarate is basically a jar full of Australian piss. It supposedly started out as an April Fool's joke, until Valve decided to make it an official unlockable for the Sniper. The TF2 forums were immediately filled with over 9000 threads crying about Jarate being gross and immature, and demanding the rolling back of the item through a petition. Their petition failed and nothing of value was lost.
A shitty image macro of the spy. Has its own article.
Nothing but the engineer saying Nope. Do you want to read about it? Nope
Shortly after the game's release it was discovered that holding out your Disguise Kit, looking straight up, crouching, and then moving around resulted in the Spy walking in a wonky manner not unlike a crab. This became an overused meme among unfunny /b/tards. It's not uncommon to see a couple of wannabe-funny tards crabbing around for entire matches while onlookers point fingers and/or guns at them. Many a YouTube video documenting their shenanigans has been posted.
The phenomenon has also spawned a "Save the Endangered Spy Crabs" campaign, perhaps to counter the tendency for players who decide to kill Spy Crabs, or to parody the various campaigns employed by ecoterrorists to prevent the gathering of vital natural resources. Whatever the case, often medics participating in the campaign will use their ubers on the Spy Crabs to keep them alive as long as possible.
In an update, the Spy gained another taunt for the kit that puts the spy in the spy crab pose and he'll click his kit open and closed like a crab.
Another popular fad on the internets was to make covers of well-known songs using nothing but the scout's "Bonk!" and "Boink!" sound effects, in a manner not unlike the utilization of PINGAS. The original Bonk Song was of that theme that plays during NFL games. The Bonk Song, as well as some other unfunny TF2 shit, became extremely popular on YouTube and gained more than 100,000 views back when that meant something. Nowadays people have thankfully forgotten about this rejection of human advancement.
Valve decided to make different videos of classes comparing cock sizes. They decided to name them the "Meet the Team" videos. Every video is a documentary of a different class and their particular quirks. One of them is about a fucking sandwich.
—Some retard who sucks at Team Fortress 2
A friendly player or more commonly referred to as "a friendly" are TF2 players who have realized that they are far too severely autistic to comprehend a simple FPS game and are completely useless to the rest of their team so they resort to wandering around the map like lost man-children getting into pointless antics with people from the enemy team that are also "friendlies". They are usually insecure attention whores that spout annoying shit in chat or obsessively spam their mic to try and be funny but just end up looking like full blown retards instead. Friendlies have recently become quite popular in TF2 games which is a sure sign that people don't really give a fuck about the actual gameplay and are more concerned with making other people pay attention to their unfunny in-game faggotry.
An easy way to tell that you're in a game with a friendly is by looking at the chat to see if any tards are flooding it with "DO NOT KILL ME I AM FRIENDLY" or "LETS CONGA IN THE CENTER OF MAP DO NOT KILL". Or if they're communicating via mic you may hear the faint wheezing of an obese neckbeard behind the ear shattering mic spam of some shitty brony song followed by some dipshit Heavy jumping around aimlessly somewhere on the map (probably wearing a lot of cosmetics). Two things could happen at this point: The rest of the team realizes that there is no chance they are going to win this round of capture the flag with a large percent of their teammates playing around like little kids in special ed class so they succumb to the friendlies and you are left with a huge orgy of autists masturbating over their microphones while thinking about how funny and witty they are for playing the game "their" way. Or they try to ignore the friendlies and actually play the game which will just lead to the friendlies getting more and more desperate for attention until they somehow get it.
If at any point you dare kill a "friendly player" you will be overcome by a wave of both little kids and full grown men alike all going into autistic fits about how you only killed them because you're a troll and a hater. You are now considered an "unfriendly" AKA someone who is actually trying to play the game. Almost everyone in the game will harass you until you either grow tired and leave or get votekicked out. This is why most people try to avoid killing them but if you do decide to kill one you should try to target them over and over because it is a very effective way of trolling TF2's community of basement dwelling ogres.
Some things a friendly might try to say to defend themselves include:
"Um excuse me you is interrupting our furry scat RP pls do gay ass video game somewhere else ^.^"
"you're a dick you didn't even have to kill me im not doing anything to you"
"I'm playing the game how I want! How do you know this isn't how the game is intended to be played!?"
"lol u must suck at the game if you have to kill friendlies"
"Go play CoD faggot TF2 isn't mature enough for you"
"ASjflkdhsgSKG OOGA BOOGA I SMEER SHIT ON FACE NOW U KILL FRIENDLY"
If you want to find a friendly in game they are usually located in capture the flag maps. You can easily find them sitting in the sewer systems of Two Fort moping around like snobby little children who didn't get their way, most likely showing off some stupid taunt or hat that they bought with their jew parent's credit card.
|Team Fortress 2||About missing Pics|
- Gentlemen, a shitty meme
- Half-Life, you know, VALVe
The most played game on Steam until TF2 went F2PNow is the most played game because people are getting sick of Valve's antics and autistic faggots.
- Autism, wihch is optional, unlike Minecraft, where full-blown autism is required.
- Steam, where you play it on
- Valve, the developers behind the game
- Virgin, everyone who plays it
- /v/, where there will be shitfests
- Piss, the secret sixth element of this game
- Griefing, which occurs
- Five Nights at Freddy's
- nope.avi, another shitty TF2 meme
- EverQuest II, another cash shop hat-trading simulator
- SPUF, where the TF2 board that ponyfags hide from the harsh reality of life in resides.
- Ace of Spades a similar game but without the hats.
- Brink, TF2 with more fail and less hats.
- Soldier Of Fortune II - TF2 only with more 13 year old boys and no hats or rings.
- Killing Floor - Zombies with hats.
- Yuikami - She is infecting TF2 with GOTIS. Also the only girl on TF2.
- The Unknown Autobot - Who has never actually played the game, despite appropriating countless images and soundclips from it in his videos.
- Fedora - The faggot's chapeau of choice.
- Official Site/Blog
- Official Wiki
- Official Forums AKA "SPUF" - Everyone here is a fucking moron.
- TF2 Trading Post - Mannconomy in action.
- Thor, dildo horse dong bat download
- An entire imageboard of TF2 gay art.
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