Team Fortress 2/Major Updates

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<Team Fortress 2

September 2nd, 2009: The Halocaust

At the time, you couldn't go 1 minute on /v/ without seeing this.
SPUF's reaction to free updates

If TF2 wasn't gay enough, Valve announced that they would release items that could be found during play. These items would be given to players at random, meaning they were independent of the achievements. After much masturbating by the TF2 community, many were pissed that they couldn't get the new unlocks and cried whenever they saw a player with the new item. It didn't take long before many of the spoiled players decided to find a way to get the items. This resulted in players idling in servers, forcing TF2 to become Idle RPG.

Doing absolutely nothing in order to get items--which were intended to be given to people actually playing the goddamn game--was hard work, so they all decided to download a program that idles for them. Valve caught wind of the massive faggotry and went into an eRAGE. So what did they do? Fuck 'em in the ass is what they did. Valve removed all of the items that were obtained through idling. To nobody's surprise, the forums erupted in a fury that wouldn't be forgotten until the next update.

This act split the community in two, between those who didn't cheat and got a free halo, and the whining faggots that got punished for cheating. As a result, some servers started banning all halo-wearers, some banned non-Halo wearers, an entire group of medics was made to deny halo wearers health, and people reskinned the Halos to say "FAG". The Halocaust finally ended when everyone realized how fugly the hat actually was and the people that had Halos stopped wearing them. Idling continued and nobody learned a thing. Not even Valve.

June 10th, 2010: The Mac Update

Typical butthurt Anti-Mac fags.

On June 10, 2010, TF2 was officially released for Mac OS X to the ire of Mac haters everywhere. Along with the update, in-game white Apple-style earbuds were made available for people who logged into the game on a Mac. Like the Halocaust, this caused an eRage among many a butthurt faggot, many the same who were the same butthurt faggots who were denied a Cheater's Lament and lost all their items they obtained through Idling. One faggot even started a petition that ended up in FAIL after it was pointed out to him that most people wearing the earbuds were PC users who had logged in via a Mac to get the earbuds and that most Macfags don't game anyway. Again, it was another instance of a whole shitstorm over FUCKING PIXELS.

In the end, earbuds were actually useful because they acted as free-kill markers.

September 30th, 2010: The Mann-Conomy Update

Flaming hats? Shut up and take my money.
A typical trading thread on /v/

Trading and Store

Because Crafting was too fucking boring and players began wiping their arses with unused and unwanted Scrap Metal, Weapons and Hats, Valve decided to release another great update to the game, by enabling players to TRADE THEIR UNWANTED WEAPONS WITH EACH OTHER!!!!. As you would expect, thousands of idlers and players came out from under their rocks and into the wide, gaping bucket of a vagina known as Team Fortress 2, to idle away their worthless lives and to visit newly-established Trade Servers to trade their weapons. Various sources began slapping "values" on said Weapons and Hats so trading for your new, much needed shit weapon has become absolutely serious business and fair for all concerned. In fact, Trading has become so serious that said Nigerians made a spreadsheet of each of their individual values in Junkyard scrap, crates, Keys and the one Hat everyone creams their pants over, Bill's Hat. Yes, really. It is to be noted that the caretaker of the spreadsheet likes to put in incorrect values, just to piss off other players.

The day Trading was released, the Trading feature became so overworked in such a short amount of time that it fucked up the $team Cloud which resulted in rage from players, due to the loss of their precious metal and weapons and didn't think to wait until Trading wasn't so fucking buggy.

The update also released the Mann. Co store, which is an online shop with a selection of weapons and hats to purchase with real jew gold as an attempt to suck more money out of it's already-bleeding players of their cash for simply owning the game in the first place. To rub salt into the wound, purchased items are labelled as "Not tradable: Purchased items cannot be used in Crafting or Trading" to single out the fucking idiots who actually spends money on fucking pixels. The Mann Co. Store also sells other useless one-time-use shit like something to change your weapon's name or description, a can of paint to recolour your precious hats, and Fart horns. Most of which can be obtained through Drops anyway.

Players can also buy Keys which are the only way to open Crates, occasional useless drops which had been dropping a week prior to the update, and which drop seperately from the regular Item drop system. Crates contain one of the things listed in the description and you have a 1% chance of getting an Unusual Hat, just so your head becomes a bright obnoxious target for Snipers to see across the map.

Hat-related Faggotry

To make a certain retard buy games, Valve bundles hats with third party games on steam. And people actually buy games specifically for hats.

As if Promotional items didn't cause enough Hat elitism, Valve added a new type of item, the previously-stated "Unusual" Hat, which is just a regular hat but its wearer can now run around with various particle effects floating over or from his head to make him a perfect target for Snipers. Not only that, but its text is now PURPLE instead of yellow! Unusual Hats can only be obtained from crates, requiring a one-time use Key from the Mann. Co store which, naturally, costs real life jew gold or Trading with other players who have already spent 100's of jew golds on Keys. Owners of an Unusual Hat which is up for sale will try to rip you off, because everyone wants try to gain pixellated, worthless, unredeemable profit from it.

And because one kind of new super rare item just wasn't enough fun, they also gave all the items that existed before the Mannconomy update "Vintage" status. What this means is that your old hats are still just as useless and ugly as they were before, but now they have blue text instead of yellow! Many hat collectors (aka what remained of TF2's playerbase) put a great deal of effort into collecting Vintage hats, believing that in time they will become increasingly more rare as people craft and delete them. Any sane person would realize that nobody is going to delete an item that could get them at least 100 hats through trading, but anyone who had any trace of sanity stopped playing this game a long time ago, or at the very least didn't join in with the Trading hype.

CONCLUSION? TF2 is now the most fabulous first-person dress-up game on the market.

Gabe Newell's face when you open a Mann Co. Supply Crate.

December 17th, 2010: Ausfailian Christmas

Merry fucking Christmas, Buy our hats

Apparently, Valve decided that they wanted moar money for Christmas, and the TF2 community was going to be their Santa Claus. As Christmas day drew near, a number a special updates and events were held that would exploit people's desire for hats at a level never seen before. First they started the Steam Treasure Hunt, where players were awarded exclusive hats for buying expensive games they don't want. As it turns out, the first two hats were pirate hats with a treasure chest on top, and the 3rd hat, which required the player to own all of the games in the treasure hunt, was the same treasure chest getting eaten by an octopus. They also offered yet another promotional item to the people who bought Killing Floor, a game which half of TF2's community hadn't even heard of, let alone wanted, which was currently having its own (much less expensive) Christmas event, inadvertently revealing that the Pyro is a male britfag in the process. But the worst was yet to come, because who really pays for their presents?

The Christmas Update


Players knew that something Christmas-related was coming, as they were receiving mysterious "Festive crates" from drops, which looked like regular crates, but had all sorts of holiday shit piled on them. Many hoped that these crates would be opened up for free on Christmas day, and stockpiled them. To their dismay, what they got instead was Australian Christmas, a holiday where instead of giving you presents, Santa enslaves your children and bleeds you dry of your cash.

Valve added at least 100 new weapons and hats which they spent less than three minutes working on, which were just items they still had from the Polycount Contest made by the community, made evident by the lazy animations, taunts being re-used over 9000 times and horribly imbalanced stats, not to mention none of them had proper kill icons. It turned out the festive crates that were dropped in their thousands cost just as much money to open as regular crates, and were ultimately a waste of everyones fucking time in every way imaginable, because Valve planned to make the items inside them become craftable and obtained through drops later on anyway. However, Valve was kind enough to provide all players with a FREE KEY to open either a regular crate or a festive one. The newly introduced weapons needed an entire scrapyard's worth of metal to craft, because Valve wants you to buy these new, shit weapons rather than getting them for free.

In addition, A NEW GAMEMODE WAS INTRODUCED! It involves being forced to use Melee weapons, some ranged weapons which "would be used in Medieval times", like the Cuntsman, and anything else that doesn't shoot bullets. You also get forced to talk like a total fucking retard. Hooray!!11!!1!

After the event, all Festive crates were nerfed into regular ones.

The moneyfaggotry reached an all-time high when it was discovered the official map, Steel, was found broken. While it was common for TF2 updates to break community maps, this was the first time that an officially supported map wouldn't work. And the root cause? "The engine itself couldn't precache all the models necessary to render the map when all that memory was being filled up with hats and community weapons." The bug was fixed after a week, but Valve blamed the problem on the map rather than their own greediness.

May 5th, 2011: First Annual Saxxy Awards

As if the game wasn't shit enough, sometime in May 2011 TF2 was updated to include more features; It was given a "Replay" feature so sad-acts could record their shitty performances on the battlefield, and an entire competition was being run so that players can show off their tiny e-peen skillz in these videos and put them on the TubeYou, which was a cheap attempt to let people promote the game for free by spamming thousands of videos on the site. An editor was also added which was incredibly useless and difficult, if not impossible to use, and Achievements were added relating to it that can be easliy earned with an exploit anyway. The competition could be won in any of over 9000 categories, and if your video won in one of them, you and your imaginary friends, who helped you to make it, got a phr33 weapon called "Saxxy" which was essentially the Golden Wrench, but it was a trophy in the shape of Saxton Hale and a reskin of every stock Melee weapon, so it could be used by every class. Similar to the Earbuds, the weapon could be used as a free kill marker because it stayed illuminated in dark areas.

Many users got into a butthurt the day the competition ended and the rewards were given, because they accused Valve of "favouritism", preferring to let basement dwellers with Internet fame inflate their ego even more. Then everyone forgot all about it and hardly anyone who has a Saxxy actually uses it.

June 25th, 2011: TF2 is now free to play, faggots!

On June 25, 2011, Valve became the most lulziest of trolls; by realizing that after almost a year after the MannCo. shop was released, buying in-game hats became more expensive than buying the game itself. Like the good business men the folks at Valve are, they made Team Fortress 2 NOW FREE FOR ALL STEAM USERS, FOREVER!!!!!!! Basically, for those of you who bought TF2 prior to this update when the price was $10, or £4.99, you just spent money on a free game. Enjoy.

Nobody knows the real reason why Valve decided to go down this route, but it can be safely assumed that it was either to gain more money from selling in-game hats and weapons using the MannCo. store, or to gain more players, so more idiots will spend money on buying in-game hats and weapons using the MannCo. store. Either way, it boils down to the MannCo. store, whatever way you look at it.

TL;DR: Many SPUF users raged over the fact that TF2 is now free, and has been since Meet the Medic was released. TF2's predecessor, Team Fortress Classic, a shit Half-life mod that nobody plays anymore, still costs money. Those who paid for TF2 got an ugly hat and a "Premium account" and the Crafting system became more complicated than it needed to be. Many players BAWWWW'd and bitched about it, while others couldn't give a rat's arse and got over it. The end.

Expect more fanboy tears, griefing, rage-quitting, and micspam from unfunny 13-year-olds.

The Video

In order to spread the F2P disease throughout the TF2 community, they made a 54-second-long video. To make a long story short, this video is just a bunch of stolen and overused gameplay footage.

October 27th, 2011: Enter MONOCULUS!

Valve commited same-faggotry when they held yet another Halloween event and pretty much did the exact same thing as the previous year. They released a new map called "Eyeduct" (or "Viaduct Event"), which was a already-existing map called "Viaduct", but Halloween themed and released another NPC for both teams to kill, this time an overpowered floating Demoman's eyeball. Not only that, but the eyeball teleports and if players manage to reach the portal in time, they get sent to the Underworld. If they reach the end and not die, they become invincible and can deal crits for ten seconds. If they enter the portal that the eyeball leaves behind when killed, players can pick up a book which makes you explode when you die. Anyone who helped kill the eye without dying got an achievement and a nigger-eyeball hat.

The event also saw the release of a fuckload of Halloween themed items which could only be worn on halloween. Every player got a free gift from Valve which contained a Seal mask and a random Halloween costume piece. To complete costume pieces, gifts would randomly spawn around Eyeaduct and those who managed to pick one up got a random Halloween costume piece. Completing a set would make your class perform a unique taunt. You could also buy the costume pieces from the Mann Co. store, giving TF2 nerds and faggots a difficult choice, which was to either buy them or not bother with them.

December 13th, 2011: Ausfailian Christmas #2: Electric Boogaloo

Valve yet again commited same-faggotry when they held another Australian Christmas event which was a cross between the 2011 Halloween event and the previous years' Australian Christmas. Instead of just one Festive key and crate, Valve released 2 keys in the Mann Co. store. One was called the "Naughty Winter Crate Key" and the other the "Nice Winter Crate Key" to open their respective crates which players randomly get through the Drop system. Naughty crates give players Festive Stock weapons, which are basically Default weapons but with christmas tree lights on them, and Nice crates give players one of the new weapons and one of the fuckloads of new costume items. In other words, the whole thing is a massive waste of time like it usually is. In addition to this, Valve gave everyone a free badge with the "Strange" quality. The only way to upgrade it however, is to buy gifts from the Mann Co. store which, when used, gives a random item to a random user on the server. Yeah, really.

The update also saw the release of another map nobody cares about called Foundry, with its own achievements. Get 7 of them, you get a free hat.

February 14th, 2012: Happy Valentine's day! Buy a pixel for $100!

They also announced this shit. So the day it was released, chat was filled with faggotry such as "xXDarkMasterSniper360ProXx has accepted [GayPride]GenericFurfagName (Grounded)'s "COCK RING""

Valentine's day, a day where we all(?) celebrate having someone. For single people, it's a constant reminder that your life sucks. For Valve, it's an opportunity to cash in on this overcommercialised holiday, with wide grins stretched across their faces and dollar signs ker-chinging in their eyes. Valve, in their infinite wisdom, decided to release a ring made of pixels, which was readily available in the Mann Co. store. It was by far the most expensive item to date, costing at $100 (£69.99 for britfags) to purchase. You couldn't wear it yourself and you could only gift it to "someone who is special to you", essentially promoting Internet dating.

This same update saw the revamp of the trading system; you could no longer trade using the in-game screen and all trades were made to be done through the Steam Trading window, which had been buggy as fuck since its release and it didn't use Backpack organisation. Users using a potato for a computer also found it to be slow as hell.

And finally, the Sandvich and the Buffalo Steak Sandvich were nerfed so you can no longer heal yourself when you drop them on the floor. Instead, you just pick them back up. Tomislav+Sandvich+GRU Heavies everywhere were pissed because their favorite game-breaking weapon loadout is now useless.

June 27th, 2012: Meet the Pyro and the Pyromania Update

It took five years, but Valve finally gave us the final Meet the Team video, Meet the Pyro. It didn't answer any questions, but did offer insight into the Pyro's mind, in that he/she/it/thing/otherkin is a raging closet furry.

Prior to the release of the video, strange items had been dropping into people's inventories, like a Banana skin, a cheese wheel and a broken door frame. After Valve shat out the video all over Jewtube, all the items were reduced to ash en masse and magically became a large pile of ash when merged which shat out a MannCo crate. Which needless to say, requires a key to open.

Now, everybody and their mother wants the new guns that came with the update, not the least of which is Pyro's Rainblower, and his/her Lollichop and a fucking unicorn, all of which can only be seen in Pyroland. It also added the Scorch Gun from the video, but that can be seen whether you're in Pyroland or not. In addition to Pyro's new weapons, the Sniper got a new SMG and yet another Sniper rifle (because he really needed those), the Scout got a pocket pistol and the Solder got a rocket launcher made of garbage.

Damnit Gabe!

Don't shit yourself from all the awesomeness just yet! But you'd best sit on the fucking bog just in case. Valve also decided to add the inflatable unicorn from Meet the Pyro as an in-game item for every class! Isn't that wonderful?! In the same update they also made all characterized cosmetic items like the Teddy Roosebelt and the Pyro's brain slug show up in the killfeed when you kill an enemy with them equipped. So expect to find a shitton of bronies (already shitting up TF2) on every server prancing about with their renamed "Fluttershy" plushie virtual fuck-dolls hovering behind them.

August 14th, 2012: Mann Vs. Machine Update

Valve decided that the faggotry that arose involving two teams of real players pitted against each other and the constant bitching about how Overpowered weapons are becoming - and not thinking that they just suck at the game - became too much, so they appealed to the masses by adding a Co-op mode to the game, where you fight robotic versions of each of the classes which use the default primary weapon of each class. It includes the ability to upgrade your own weapons and character stats so you die less often, at least until you quit the game then you'll have to start from scratch when you join another game. Credits for upgrades are earned by picking up wads of cash dropped from killing robots because they apparently run on money.

During a game, the players must kill a ton of robots, 90% of them being Scouts. Occasionally, the game will spawn other classes, giant Soldiers, tanks that can't do shit and have a ton of health, and "bosses" that can kill anyone by touching them. RED team must defend some random pit from getting spontaneously combusted by whichever robot is carrying the bomb, which is usually a Scout. Valve thought thought it was a good idea to make new players wait 40 minutes for the next game, but they didn't realise there was a way around it. They did however add a Tour of Duty ticket to the Mann Co. store which allows exclusive access to Official Missions, and get used up on successful completion of one in return for giving the player items, including hats and weapons. Oh Valve, u so funneh.

The backstory behind the event is that Redmond Mann and Blutarch Mann, incompetent brothers and bitter enemies who own the teams in the game, get lured to a fake meeting proposing a truce, only for their long-lost brother Gray Mann to appear and reveal himself to the be one who sent the letters. After realizing his brothers were fucktards, he killed them and took control of both their businesses, merging them with his own. The mercenaries who had been fired from both RED and BLU as a result of the companies being nonexistant get rehired by Australian Chuck Norris to defend the lots of Mann Co. factories placed everywhere in the world.

The July 10th, 2013 Update

Valve finally realizes that shit was really unbalanced with this game and finally nerfs exploits found on many maps such as jumping and building sentry guns on roofs where you can't reach and get killed. On top of this, now they fix weapons such as the Dead Ringer and buff the Battalion Backup and Quick fix.

October 29th, 2013: The Scream Fortress Update

Every year, for Halloween, Valve sharts out another Halloween themed update to milk even more jew golds from gullible putzes.

Valve, decided yet again, that making a map from scratch is too much of a hustle, so they reskinned an old one, to make Helltower, which is completely different, because they added lava. It contains a new type of enemy: dead whores. Among the skeletons, the update adds a whole new set of achievements and a fuckton of Halloween themed items. There are three skeleton variations: small whores, medium whores and the ultimate whoremonger, king whore. The king whore is the equivalent of all the bosses introduced in the previous years, minus a health bar or the original allure, mainly goes unnoticed on the servers.

The update also introduced a new game mechanic to the fray: spell books. The spell clusterfuck ranges from "visual diarrhea" to "phonic pollution", with spells such as flames that kill you instantly , bats that lift you up to fuck knows and tiny skeletons that chase you around to munch on your groin. Rare spells can offer you the chance to summon the Niggereye or a meteor shower, that also kills you instantly. All spells are found around the map, while rare spells can be found only by crossing a ghostly flight of stairs that randomly appears every time Gabe farts on the Steam servers.

As usual, the random gifts are back. They appear on random spots, on random intervals and they give you a random item. To actually get this thing, you have to survive the spamfest or die two meters away from it, before another retard takes it. If you actually manage to get this gift, you will discover that the item inside it is holiday restricted.

In conclusion, Valve will successfully manage to keep harvesting the life force and money from their mindless drooling drones, until the only remaining thing that will remain from these will be a decaying shivering husk, just a worthless plebeian creature, that will gladly die in a dark corner somewhere, on his pile of unusual hats.

December 18th ,2015 : "the tough break" update

According to the new taunt , everyone of the team has gone to 4chans /fit/ board and won't shut the fuck up about exercise, more of the worthless CSGO style cases and the cosmetic cases , but actually added some decent maps .

July 7th : The Meet Your Match update

An update that has been hyped up extremely, with promising features like competitive, casual play, new competitive maps, bug fixes, rumored new weapons, and of course, new taunts and hats. While pretty much every TF2 player has shit themselves with excitement just at the thought of this update, some fail to realize that literally the only reason why this update has so much shit packed into it is because Gabe Newell is afraid Overwatch will kill TF2, resulting in him possibly not getting any moneyz from children addicted to buying keys and unboxing crates for a chance to get some shitty hat with some particle effect anymore. Lets face it guys, if Overwatch never existed, this would just be another shitty overhyped update that only features a few new hats, and maybe if you're lucky some community made map everyone will inevitably stop giving a shit about a month after the update releases. Enjoy this update while you can, folks, because if this update is a success like Valve expects it to be, expect more boring updates only featuring shitty hats for a long time, until Valve becomes obligated to make another big update to try to make people care about their game a little more.

Update (15th August 2016) The players who played on team pyro won , joyful as now you could probably face some new W+M1 weapon