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Teenager is the name used for the human adolescent, so named for the "teen" in their age (e.g. sixteen).
They are known to suffer from acne, fatness, puberty, angst, USI, self-loathing and wearing braces. You can spot a teenager, by their constant overuse of commas, and, the word "like", as well as their hypocrisy and acne.
When not wasting daylight on the Internets, they tend to frequent the local mall and masturbate during English class. They are generally considered to be the Uncyclopedia of the human race, as they are filled with fucking fail and, like 4chan, it would be a mistake to take them seriously.
On the internet, it is common for teenage boys to lie about their age to make them seem more mature. If you encounter a teenage boy of at least 15 years of age on the internet, subtract 3 years and add a vagina if needed.
Teenage girls are more prone to uploading endless photos of themselves at sexi angles and flooding the interwebs with pictures of their cats. Both genders feel the need to push their misguided preferences and agendas over every social networking site possible.
Teenagers make up the largest percentage of the LJ user base, and often use x or underscores in their user names to set them apart from the sheeple (which rarely works; see the Law of Conformity). All teenagers are hypocritical assholes, and need to be reminded of this until they either commit suicide or turn 20.
—98% of teenagers
- Saying "lol" or "lmao" after a sarcastic statement
- Saying "lol" or "lmao" IRL
- Not conforming by actually conforming to a larger group
- Speaking their mind
- Trying to be 2tally kewal on internet forumz so they can be MODERATOR OMG
- GETTING THEIR DICK SUCKED OMG
- Being level 93 at Runescape
- Accidentally trolling
- Trying to be funny
- Being unfunny
- Fapping as much as possible to goatse and other various fucked up things such as loli and toddlerkon
- Write woeful, forlorn (and intolerably bad) poetry
- Doing drugs.
- Take awzumly secksay pictures to make you feel better about urself to put on myspace for 50 year olds to admire
- Being emo
- Talking exclusively in such sentences as "like, um, totally like, yeah"
- Attempting (and failing) to get laid
- Looking tough (and also failing miserably)
- fappinh in class while sitting behind some random chick
- reading cyanide and happiness comics
The Two Phenotypes
Teenagers come in a wide variety of flavors, including:
- Nerd: Since the closest thing to "OMG U ACTUALLY TOUCHED A BOOBY!" was with someone much, much more experienced, slowly guide them along "the path." And when you reach the most intimate part of their soul, scream "Pwned!"
- Emo: Awww, they've been through enough, let's just leave them alone. Emos can be recognized from their distaste for life and their distinct amount of cuts on their wrists and/or tits if they are fat, probably made to prove how 'hip' they are. (See guro.) Emos came to be and were a more extreme, self-hating goth group. Emos generally tend to hate life and be easily dealt with by claiming they're fat, no-one likes them and then handing them a razor.
Note that sixteen year-old girls are not so much a flavor or "type" of teenager, but are instead a "template." Thus, a sixteen year-old girl can also be a goth, or emo, or almost any other flavor of teenager. If and when they begin to drone on about how, liek, Stacey was, liek, OMG stealing her boyfriend find the nearest e-pimp and be proud that you have found him his newest skank whore. They most likely put the art of gossiping above anything else in school, but sometimes are found in a unstimulated state. Teachers, fortunately, can manipulate them by putting sound-absorbent foam in the room to suck up every social stimuli, or use the great old fashioned banhammer when they get out of hand.
Categories: (note: may be in more than one)
- Faggoth FOR LULZ: Introduce them to a tanning bed and revel in the burning flesh! For maximum results, bring a fire hose to wash away the pounds of makeup.
- Hippy FOR LULZ: Eat meat, drive a Hummer.
Some teenagers go through puberty. Puberty is that special time when children start becoming adults. However, this never goes as God planned, and all it produces are retards, retards and even more retards. Teenagers going through puberty will not only be insane, but they will experience the following symptoms:
- A new self-image
- Falling in with the wrong crowd
- Unwarranted self-importance
- New emotions and desires
- And the need to act out on them
- Realization of one's worthlessness
- Bleeding from your special area (No, not your wrist)
When confronting puberty sufferers on the internets, keep in mind where they are coming from to ensure maximum lulz can be achieved. Pubescents will complain about many things, but the appropriate response will be to remind them of what the future holds for their individuality. Tell them the world is coming to an end in 2012 so they can do whatever they want without fear of consequences. If you can convince them of this, you may solve the population crisis.
Facing Yourself During It
The best way to deal with the terrifying changes happening to your body and mind is to start a journal. Doing this can be part of the healing process; however, if you're foolish enough to put your deepest, darkest secrets information on the internet, it is highly recommended that you get it through your mushy adolescent brain that you're asking for it.
The angsty teen is something of a redundant term, since to be a teenager is to be angsty all the time. In more common usage, however, an angsty teen is a catch-all category into which most under-18 drama whores, homosexuals, attention seekers, DA users and self-mutilators fall. Teenagers angst especially hard when treated like the idiots they are. The half-developed brain of a teenager will perceive its first colored pube as a sign of immediate adulthood. This delusion of equality convinces teenagers to act a fool as a way to protest justified intolerance.
Angsty teens are statistically more likely to:
- Have LiveJournals
- Write woeful, forlorn (and intolerably bad) poetry
- Be technical virgins
- Live in the suburbs
- Kill their classmates and/or parents then post about said killings in their LiveJournals
- Kill themselves
- Claim to be "mature for their age" one minute, then stating how they are "soo confused" when faced with a simple conflict that they are too stupid to resolve
- Listen to shitty music such as Linkin Park, and love Mike Shinoda
- Mistake stupidity and lust for what they believe is love
- Doing all out ridiculous things to look cool but deny their true intentions
- Believe the world revolves around them
- Make easily avoidable mistakes which will have consequences in the future, and then acting as if the world is out to get them
Angsty teens are most often seen at home whining on their livejournals and posting photos of their cuts.
Teens are easy to troll in a number of ways:
- Tell them their girlfriend/boyfriend is cheating on them. (when they are male and non-black say that their girlfriend cheats on them with a black man)
- Insinuate that My Chemical Romance, Slipknot, The Jonas Brothers, or Escape the Fate are not the best bands ever.
- Say that life only gets worse after high school.
- Make fun of their "art."
- Explain 2012.
- Let them know that noone is looking. Ever
- remind them that they're satanist and that their parents are christfags
- tell them goatse is in fact a guy
- When they complain about how depressed they are, tell them to kill themselves.
- When a 16 year old girl asks you if they are pretty, answer no, tell her that she is ugly and should kill herself.
Teens to Troll
- Generation Z
- Beavis and Butthead
- I'm so confused
- Leave me alone
- Ruining the internet
- Sex - Only 1/3 of them get any, and they fail horribly.
|Featured article July 23, 2006|
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