The Aristocrats is a famous joke popular in social conservative circles that is well-known for its non-offensive nature, moralistic teachings, and stressing of traditional family values. And unlike many other jokes, The Aristocrats also puts emphasis for children to love animals.
History of the Joke
The Aristocrats was invented in 1842 by Senator Rick Santorum. Santorum, like most pious, saint-like Republicans, had been apalled and horrified by the large amounts of crude, offensive "humor" of his time, consisting mostly of shocking and horrifying jokes about dead babies, homosexuality, abortion, and tubgirl. Thus, he made it his personal mission to reinstate good moral values into American culture. However, Santorum's joke was heavily criticized by his contemporaries (all of whom were sinful, perverted heathens) for being boring and it would be many years after his death before the joke would gain mainstream acceptance and popularity. Today, The Aristocrats is widely considered one of the greatest jokes of all time, along with other examples of puritan, moralistic humor such as Family Guy, Something Awful, eelgirl, and lemonparty.
The Aristocrats joke has three main parts:
It always begins with a "family act" going in to see a talent agent.
The bulk of the joke is like IRL copypasta and usually ad-libbed. Here, the family will awe the agent by either performing kind acts for each other or singing a sweet, beautiful song together about love and abstinence. Some good examples of this can be found here .
The agent asks what this act is called, and the answer is always the same: "The Aristocrats!" Great for lulz.
EDitors note: Names have been changed to protect those born without a funny bone and the the litigious.
I Fucked Liskula Cohen In The Ass
Sit down because I have quite the story to tell: I fucked Liskula Cohen, a well-known model and journalist, in the ass. The guy who fucked Ann Coulter in the ass hard is a good friend of mine, just for the record.
I wish my story was romantic or sappy, but it's simply not. Liskula Cohen just loved to be treated like a dirty whore, and when I walked into my hotel room after doing some modelling of my own in Slovakia I was a bit surprised.
I walked into my hotel room and found Liskula Cohen fingering her asshole, gaping it for me. She gave me a narrow, lustful look, inviting me to bury my throbbing meat into her hungry shitter. It was like something out of a really good Sasha Grey porno. With her legs up and spread her pussy was dripping beads of womanjuice down her taint and into her gaping anus. Well, needless to say, I couldn't resist the urge to give it to her, hard. I immediately pulled down my trousers and boxers, bringing them to my ankles before kicking them off. With my cock immediately hard I positioned myself in front of her and thrusted it in. Now, I've had anal sex before, and every time I've had to lube up my cock and slowly ease my way in. Not with Liskula Cohen. My cock just slipped right in like a q-tip into a donut. I wish I could say it was tight, but it really wasn't.
I thrusted away in her asshole for a bit, burying my stiff member in her bowels. God how she moaned and screamed like a dirty pig. After much fucking I yanked my cock out. I gave her a frown as I realized that my cock was covered in her excrement. She gave me a reassuring wink and repositioned herself so that her face was in front of my groin. She eagerly wrapped her mouth around my cock and started sucking her shit off of my dick. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life.
She sucked me until I was about ready to cum. She knew I was about to cum too because I told her, "I'm about to cum." It was then that she asked me for the most bizarre request ever: she asked me to cum in her nose so she could snort it. I was a bit hesitant at first, but I eventually obliged, figuring I'd never see this revolting cock fiend again and I'd simply go write a blog about her. She tilted her head back and exposed her nostrils to me. I aimed the head of my cock carefully and blew my entire load into her left nostril. She plugged her other nostril as I did so and inhaled hard through her nose, taking all of my seed into her nasal cavity and sinuses.
With that, she put her clothes on and left. No asking me to spoon with her, no exchange of phone numbers, and no thank yous. Or so I thought.
The next day, and every day since then, she called me. I'm not quite sure how she got my number, but she has been dialing it and asking me to fuck her brains out again. She told me that my cock, because of its massive size, was the only one which could come close to filling her loose dirtbox. When I asked her why, she told me it was because the watermelons permanently ruined her butthole. I was not surprised.
But like all good jokes, the humor of the Aristocrats has largely been milked for money by greedy business executives. As of 2005, the joke has had both a comic adaption and a movie starring Bob Faget and some kittens.
Sarah Silverman did such a convincing version of The Aristocrat in the movie of the same name that the butt of the joke, an old school talk show host called Joe Franklin, threatened to sue her for defamation since she presented the joke as autobiographical and claimed that Joe Franklin had raped her as a child.
The Aristocrats has many uses but it's primarily an in-joke amongst comedians so its shocked and appalled factor is negligible. However, The Aristocrats can save you from a lynch mob. This was the case during a 2001 roast for Hugh Hefner when usually unfunny comic Gilbert Gottfried cracked a joke about 9/11 saying that he decided not to catch a plane that had a connection at the Empire State Building. The stunned audience of ordinarily lulzy people then flew into an anti-lulz RAGE and started booing, yelling "too soon" and making threats to kick his ass. Mr. Gottfried quickly pulled an Aristocrats out of his ass and saved his neck by distracting the audience with a bawdy tale of incest, homosexuality, bestiality, molesting children and other shit. Obviously, 9/11 is serious fucking business whilst incest and pedophilia are not.
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