The Beer Pong Massacre
This article is trying too fucking hard
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Sometime last Thursday at a local crack house outside of Philadelphia, an upstanding young citizen named Joseph Jimenez fled to Cuba after a friendly beer pong game with his private dancer of a Jew boyfriend. Unable to keep their homosexuality a secret, Jimenez pulled out his piece and pwnt Scott Riley right in the neck with his
penis Super Soaker over 9000 times. This act is nothing more than a lulzy attempt by two long-time lovers to hide their affair from all the rednecks hanging around the pong table.
This further proves that not only did Jews do 9/11, but that rednecks with a third grade reading level shouldn't be allowed to further ruin America's favorite past time; beer pong. After all, even college students need an excuse to get roofies into them there drinks!
Don't Blame The Pong, Blame the Wigger
According to witnesses, a bet was made between Jimenez and Riley over who would win their next game of beer pong. The loser would have to perform a goatse in front of everyone, thus ending the rumor of who pitched and who catched. However, after the game was over and Jimenez won, Riley refused to ante up the precious brotherly love and thus much lulz ensued.
— Montgomery County DA Risa Vetri Ferman, being a stupid feminist.
After crying a river the size of Irish282's love for the pedo (for it was his party and he could cry if he wanted to) Jimenez took a walk to the back alley and caught Riley smoking the rest of the weed he was saving for the anniversary of Anabelle Lotus' death. Some argue that it was okay for Riley to cop dude's stash, since no one really gives a shit about a dead juggalo baby anyways. Either way the world was about to see what happens when two homosexual wiggers began to argue over lost beer pong games, shitty stolen pot and non-compliance with a forced goatse performance.
The theft of his precious stash enraged Jimenez to the point of violence, as witnesses claim he then pulled out his shiny squirt gun and attempted to force Riley down on his knees and whip out the happiness that is known as goatse. At this our potential an hero blurts out in ecstasy, "Shoot me, shoot me, you guys ain't got the balls". Effectively these were Riley's last words, because at hearing this Jimenez prematurely ejaculated and squeezed his trigger, cumming all over the alleyway and dude's neck.
Jimenez apparently was a great shot; it only took one bullet to pierce through Riley's neck. Upon realizing that he just shot his friend over a game of beer pong he was too inbred to play anyways, Jimenez just shrugged his shoulders and said, "HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS".
The Glove Doesn't Fit
Upon learning that he just killed a fellow wigger, Jimenez proceeded to panic like any good retard would. He took off down another alleyway and stopped at Tom Serson's on the way to buy more shitty weed that would replace what Riley stole from him (damn Juggalos and their dead babies). As he departed from the neighborhood pedo's domicile, he spotted Oscar the Grouch who really needed to buy an untraceable pistol. Jimenez saw an opportunity and sold Oscar the gun he just used to shoot his gay lover with for $50, thus making back the cash he had to spend to buy Tommy Boy's product.
After stopping at a dive bar in Philly to drink Nyquil and swallow massive amounts of Coricidin, Jimenez rode a stolen bicycle home and woke Mommy Dearest up at midnight SRSLY with a confession that not even Dr. Phil would believe.
—Scott Riley, upon learning that his boyfriend indeed did have the balls.
—Joseph Brian Jimenez, waking Mommy up at 12AM with some bullshit.
—Mother Jimenez, knowing her son is a dipshit wigger.
Shit got crazy quick. One of the local dirty whores reported to the cops that she heard the blood gushing out of Riley's neck. This is similar to hearing PixelBeeProductions' orgasm noises, which induces immediate death. It is rumored that Black Jesus also heard the flow of blood and was thought to have remarked, "That's some funny shit!" before hitting the crack pipe and taking off in Air Force One to do WTC 2.0 on the Kennedy Compound. Even black person put her two cents in on Fox News, commenting that counseling may have been the higher road.
Cops + Wiggers = IRL BANHAMMER
After pwning your buttbuddy in an alleyway, the average person wouldn't go back to the crime scene. But that is exactly what our future an hero did! Jimenez was quickly picked up by an alert cop after he was spotted with blood on his hands. Under threat of assrape he gave up the location of the gun, all the while denying ever shooting Riley despite numerous eyewitness accounts. Plus he was seen placing a bullet in the firing chamber after pulling back the gun slide, thus qualifying Jimenez for the much coveted Tard of The Year award.
Scott Riley, Family Man
Even moar lulz jumped the gun when Riley's MySpace page was accessed, proving how dumb wiggers really are. His main desire is to meet Bill Gates, but seeing as how he doesn't read there won't be much in common between the two other than a deep love for Buck Angel films. The Parent Of The Year award should posthumously go to this fine young man for his constant dedication of marijuana consumption in front of his kids and keeping such a clean house. One wonders, how does I keep MySpace private?
Even Necksplitters Need A Baby Momma
His baby momma Christina Jackson's page is also full of laughable shit, with the 1st prize in stupidity going to her recent blog entry:
Any good woman knows she should warn her man about the dangers of wigger beer pong. Sadly enough, this one thought it would be better to pick him up some shitty weed. Riley's immense appetite for pot didn't allow him to wait for Christina to score him some, had he done so maybe he would still be alive. Juggalos everywhere are in mourning for Riley and salute his escapade with Faygo and old Max Hardcore videos.
The KKK Took My Baby Away
Investigative internet reporters disclosed a screen capture of Christina's status on her MySpace, which indicates her sadness at Bulletneck's kids possibly being taken away by his parents. Some argue that it's because they smoked so much pot the kids became retarted by default, but others suggest it's just shitty parenting.
How Does I Beer Pong?
This is the proper way to play beer pong. Following the video tit for tat will ensure not getting a bullet in my neck.
Why potheads around the world are screaming DO NOT WANT.