The Bloody Board
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The Bloody Board is one of many forums dedicated to the TV series Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Unlike all other forums on the internet there was no drama whatsoever. None. Normally this would make it one of the most boring if not unique forums in the world. Yet hidden within the as-boring-as-a-rock Bloody Board was a small shining gem of lulz.
Jamie Marsters (Powerword: Louisa Pearce) is a batshit insane, aspie from Australia, who devoted her life to obsessively posting info about Buffy The Vampire Slayer on an internet message board named The Bloody Board. Like many girls she obsessed over sexy vampires and soon the forum was flooded with her messages.
All 37,650 of them.
So far she sounds like one especially batshit insane fangirl, yet nobody has called her out. This is because Jamie is the one and only member. The Bloody Board consists entirely of Jamie Marsters creating threads and replying to herself, over and over again. The board itself was founded in 2004, meaning that as of 2010 Jamie has been furiously talking to herself and masturbating to Buffy like a paranoid schizophrenic for whole Six. Fucking. Years. It was only a matter of time until somebody noticed.
Being offline since the time of the Cracked article, little did she know that when she came back her quaint little Buffy fanforum would not be how she left it.
On October 26th 2010, Cracked magazine writers Nick Coffin and Derek James wrote an article entitled "The 7 Most Unintentionally Creepy Places on the Internet". While most of the places were fairly creepy, the coverage of "The Bloody Board" was like a glance into a deep, dark, soul clutching abyss. While most Cracked readers were shocked and appalled, some other readers immediately recognized the huge potential for lulz and drama, and posted it on b, who unanimously decided to offer the poor lonely girl some company. Thus the Bloody Board was soon raided by the bloody bored.
"General Discussion" had only one topic.
Close observations of this board show:
- Further proof of her increasingly rotting mind, almost all of Jamie's posts and messages are not about Buffy, but about herself.
- Many of the threads are damn fucking long. This actually becomes scary when you realise
this threadhas 187 replies and 8,744 views.
- According to her profile she is 27 (meaning she was 21 when her board began), making her obsession all the more creepy.
- It is a well known fact that the present of Jamie Marsters is the future of any Twilight fangirl. You have been warned.
Storming The Bloody Shores
Within a few hours, her message board was savagely raped, brutalized and torn apart by the Internet Hate Machine, and her Powerword and Fapbook page detected. The Hive spared no souls on this one; mainly because she dosen't have one.
However, not everyone harried to smite the poor girl. Some virgin basement-dwelling White Knights recognized a potential relationship in Jamie, due to the fact that she probably is the only female pathetic and lonely enough to even look at them. They quickly rushed to yell "LEAVE JAMIE ALONE!!111, which only increased the lulz, with maximum lulz produced when some butthurt cunt claimed to be Jamie's sister and started BAWWWing about some people having fun. Party pooper.
A NEW CHALLENGER APPEARS!
—Proudly told to fuck off 5 seconds later, my MysteryBot.
At some point, someone with apparently good intentions came around and started begging everyone to stop in an obviously butthurt way. Said user went by the name TheDarkEricDraven and soon enough a facebook page was found (Just face it, Logan. You can never open that account again). Apparently this outstanding citizen goes by the name Logan Vaughn and is quite the prince charming, being an admitted pedophile who believes he is the reincarnated form of an elf from the Zelda games. He even tried to blank the page once, oh how valiant!
This is the End...
At 4:00PM PST, reports started pouring in that Jamie was now online, and indeed she was. Things had died down considerably by this time and only a few diehard trolls remained. They began questioning whether Jamie was a bot after there were no signs of life coming from the account. Roughly 45 minutes later, in the sheer horror of having her lonely, lonely board suddenly flooded by trolls, she began banning accounts. One of the users had made an alternate account earlier and managed to log on via proxy and warn his fellow trolls, but the message came too late.
At around 4:50PM PST,10/26/2010, after 6 whole years of talking to herself, Jamie Marsters removed the Bloody Board from the internets.
Even if Rules 1 & 2 had not been broken, it's painfully obvious where these trolls came from.
As for Cracked.com itself, it members were horrified by the sheer level of douchebaggery on the internet, more shocked by the trolls which invaded Jamie's forum than a creepy pedophile who also appeared on the same list. Update: An anon contacted the authors of the article, including a link to this page. Apparently there was only butthurt among the Cracked peons.
Here is his response:
Interestingly another person who appeared on the list was a psychotic fan who had written literally thousands of songs for P Diddy. For some reason this guy is considered crazy, but poor little Jamie isn't.
Talking to yourself about Buffy for 6 years isn't pathetic. Trolling someone who talks to themselves about Buffy for 6 years is pathetic.
Shit was So Cached...
Sadly despite the site's long history, it was shut down as soon as the /b/tards began flooding the page like a blocked toilet before any of the lulz of her many threads and messages could be screencaped. However thanks to the power of Google all is not lost:
- Here is the cached board
- Click on a link. You will get a message saying the page is not available.
- Copy the URL.
- Paste the URL into Google.
- You will get a result from The Bloody Board.
- Click on "cached".
NOTE: You will have to copy steps 2 - 6 several times if you want to get to an individual thread.
- AIM: jamiespike
- YIM: jamie_marsters
- MSN: [email protected]
- ICQ: 116755006
- Google Talk: [email protected]
LiveJournal link: http://dontkillspike.livejournal.com/
ZOMG Jamie is on ED!11!!!We noticed.
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
- Joss Whedon
- Shameless Self-Promotion
- Deeker Who had an even more worrying obsession.