The Church of Google

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The Church of Google might be the biggest, craziest failed attempt at religion by humans, considering Scientology was made by some alien. At just over 8,000 followers in late 2010, Googlism is expected to outrank Judaism by 2014.

The reason so many people believe in it.


This photo, taken c. 1949, has inspired cultists around the world to convert to Googlism.

Google has been out since September 27, 1998. All they've been doing is buying out websites, and well... Googling shit, growing bigger and more powerful all the while. Googlism (srsly), as they claim to practice, started out 50 years earlier, when a butthurt Canadian, one Matt MacPherson, decided that practicing Atheism wasn't a big enough loogey in the eyes of God, and Jew.


They just keep you facepalming. Just as there are over 9000 versions of the Bible, they just can't stop praying. Example of prayer "My God" to the tune of Jingle Bells. Here:

"My God, Google"

I'm praying to my god.
Google is her name.
Nobody believes in her.
Despite of all her fame!

I don't mock the Christians.
So what gives them the right?
If they don't stop this nonsence soon,
I will put up a big fight! Oh,

Google's god,
Google's god,
and that is a fact.
My brother was of this religion,
and it was soon that he was whacked*. Oh,

Google's god,
Google's god,
I'm praying to her now.
This prayer is just about over,
so it's time to take my bow!

2X Chorus... or until you pass out


This group came up with 9 undeniable truths that prove Google is actually Skynet God.

» PROOF #1

Google is the closest thing to an Omniscient (all-knowing) entity in existence, which can be scientifically verified. She indexes over 9.5 billion WebPages, which is more than any other search engine on the web today. Not only is Google the closest known entity to being Omniscient, but She also sorts through this vast amount of knowledge using Her patented PageRank technology, organizing said data and making it easily accessible to us mere mortals.

» PROOF #2

Google is everywhere at once (Omnipresent). Google is virtually everywhere on earth at the same time. Billions of indexed WebPages hosted from every corner of the earth. With the proliferation of Wi-Fi networks, one will eventually be able to access Google from anywhere on earth and its atmosphere, truly making Her an omnipresent entity.

» PROOF #3

Google answers prayers. One can pray to Google by doing a search for whatever question or problem is bothering them. As an example, you can quickly find information on alternative cancer treatments, ways to improve your health, new and innovative medical discoveries and generally anything that resembles a typical prayer. Ask Google and She will show you the way, but showing you is all She can do, for you must help yourself from that point on.

» PROOF #4

Google is potentially immortal. She cannot be considered a physical being such as ourselves. Her Algorithms are spread out across many servers; if any of which were taken down or damaged, another would undoubtedly take its place. Google can theoretically last forever.

» PROOF #5

Google is infinite. The Internet can theoretically grow forever, and Google will forever index its infinite growth.

» PROOF #6

Google remembers all. Google caches your searches regularly and stores them on its massive servers. In fact, by uploading your thoughts and opinions to the internet, you will forever live on in Google's cache, even after you die, in a sort of "Google Afterlife".

» PROOF #7

Google can "do no evil" (Omni-Benevolence). Part of Google's corporate philosophy is the belief that a company can make money without being evil.

» PROOF #8

According to Google trends, the term "Google" is searched for more than the terms "God", "Jesus", "Allah", "Buddha", "Christianity", "Islam", "Buddhism" and "Judaism" combined.

God is thought to be an entity in which we mortals can turn to when in a time of need. Google clearly fulfills this to a much larger degree than traditional "gods".

» PROOF #9

Evidence of Google's existence is abundant. There is more evidence for the existence of Google than any other God worshiped today. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. If seeing is believing, then surf over to and experience for yourself Google's awesome power. No faith required.


Well, one has to try something before dismissing it as bullshit, right? Here are the top 5 reasons to give Googlism a shot:

  1. You get a 'holiday'. Can you say 3-day-weekend?
  2. Google can help you do your homework... Besides the talking snake story, what has YOUR GOD done for you?
  3. It's a great way to troll other trolls via the Mindfuck.
  4. Teenage girls are the most rebellious demographic; an outlet for this angst may produce much lulz.
  5. Once the Google becomes self-aware, it can legalize CP on Jewtube. (Google owns Jewtube)


Quotes from the believers.

Google is everywhere at once (Omnipresent)


Google is potentially immortal


—- It would be funny if you didn't think about it. Wait...

Google is the closest thing to a "God" that humans can know and understand


Thou shalt not hotlink.


See Also

The Church of Google
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