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The Drudge Retort
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Drudge Retort (motto: Red Meat for Yellow Dogs) is an e-colosseum where bitter IRL oldfags, alcoholics, sociopaths, the chronically unemployed, Christfags, rednecks, charlatans, racists, junkies, retards, and various combinations of the above gather to brutally savage one another on a daily basis (and, occasionally, to discuss politics).
—Moneywar, on effective 21st century communication.
Shortly after entering his third consecutive sunlight-free decade of life, a 17th-level paladin known IRL as Rogers Cadenhead took Computer Science III, thereby gaining enough XP to become a 1337 h4xx0r. Thus, young Rogers discovered a way to make a living and remain a basement dweller at the same time.
Cadenhead used to run the Cruel Site of the Day, and also exposed the fact that TOW founder Jimbo Wales had been editing his own biography. Then, sometime last Thursday, Cadenhead registered the domain drudge.com before that greasy dickbag Matt Drudge could get his smegma-encrusted hands on it. As a result, most users who end up habitually shitposting at the Retort found it entirely by accident.
News of this article was brought to the DR's attention by an intrepid EDiot posting as LarryMOAR/Zarathustra, who risked e-life and limb to spread the lulz. The chosen handle differs by only a single letter from the name of a legitimate poster and emulated his writing style, further adding to Drudgetards' confusion. In the end, LarryMOAR paid the ultimate price for injecting a bit of EDiocy into an otherwise ordinary late PM/early AM on the Retort. Fortunately, his other dissociated identity - Zarathustra - lives on to troll another day.
All motions for restraining orders, LOLsuits, claims of libel, as well as requests for endorsement deals and interviews, have been forwarded to LarryMOAR/Zarathustra's e-lawyer, who stated that he was only authorized to release the following statement:
|My client, LarryMOAR/Zarathustra, is in fine spirits this morning, and is expected to make a near-full recovery after being hit with the banhammer early this AM. He would like you all to know that he did it for teh lulz and that he's been properly medicated so as to prevent complications during his upcoming surgery -- which was deemed necessary for the greater good of the gene pool. Mr. MOAR notes that hospital food isn't nearly as good as microwaveable Hot Pockets, Kraft EZ-Mac, or Mom's Spaghetti, however, and eagerly awaits returning to the simpler pleasures in life -- such as the unforgiving pwnage of n00bs in the World of Warcraft, and masturbating before he masturbates to get the day started by 3 in the afternoon.|
Apparently this prank was so successful - with Drudgetards effectively misdirected and spun in so many circles - that a full confession would not suffice to quell skepticism among DR regulars:
—Posted by Ron_Karate.
Disappearing into the crowd like an awkward pimple-faced teenager at a highschool dance, Zarathustra can now only spectate as blame will likely continue to be assigned to more favored scapegoats:
- I am betting it's either Rex or Jackass. It's typical of their ilk.
- My guess would be that Montecore is the author of the page.
- Montecore's not that clever. I'm pretty sure it is ozarkaggie
- The culprit in my opinion? I believe Hans has come back and paid us a visit.
- I was thinking Nulli. He's been way too quiet lately.
- Does anyone remember the Secret Diary of Rogers Cadenhead?
- Creative enough to be Doc, but I don't know if he's geek enough. I'm going to guess that it was done by Roger's wife, who probably sees us as the bunch of freaks we are.
- it has manypaths written all over it - syntax. has he even weighed in on this yet?
- 101 - was this your work? Tell the truth, man!
- AU, that you?
- I'm also beginning to think "Olly" is AU.
- Soooo? Olly (aka AU?) could have done the "What Does the DR Do for You?" thread along with help from Hans. AU did the background music for Han's "Drudge Retort Report" radio show so wouldn't be the first time AU and HANS worked together.
Recognizing that he'd been trying too hard for an unappreciative world, Zarathustra swore an oath to never leave Mom's basement again. Furthermore, in anticipation of the armageddon, this hopeless fail-troll resigned himself to living out the rest of his days by surviving on microwaveable pizza rolls, chocolate milk, and masturbating at least six times a day to pictures of Jessica Alba.
What would internet politics be without angry, delusional people on opposite sides of the ideological spectrum?
The Big Three subjects - God, Guns (see also: car antennae), and Gheys - are dependable sources of much bad argumentation and rage.
"Am I addicted to the Drudge Retort?"
Some common symptoms:
- Loss of sleep
- Fantasizing about other posters' sweaty, hairy bodies.
- Structuring your day around being able to post first on the Nooner.
- Broken promises and/or beer bottles.
- Elevated blood pressure
- Your handle is AFKABL2
- Believing that the internets is serious business
- Using the "bigger man" argument
—AmericanUnity, on the ravages of addiction.
The following thread meets and exceeds on many counts:
Michael Moore: Goodbye, GM http://www.drudge.com/news/121604/michael-moore-goodbye-gm ~~~~~ ...anyway... night everyone. Moo needs sleep badly.Take care and keep safe. #98 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 02:12 AM You too MOOMAN :-0 #100 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 02:14 AM Sorry... I am an addict. I couldn't resist one last refresh. *SIGH* #102 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 02:17 AM ...Get some rest. You need it! LOL Have a good one. #104 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 02:25 AM ...Later. Homie don't play that. #108 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 02:37 AM Now good NIGHT :) Let me sleep. As soon as I start getting ready to shut everything down, my sixth sense keeps telling me you are typing. LOL Seriously though. I really have to find the will to drag my eyes away from the screen, but every time I try I remember one more thing I meant to do that I forgot today. Then I find myself saying "just one more refresh". #111 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 02:41 AM MOOMAN: This is where I should pull out 101st's BS line about "I'm in your head". LOL #114 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 02:48 AM ...And with that I will try once again to bid you adieu. Maybe I can manage it this time. #117 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 02:59 AM I just realized also, what has been keeping me awake: the big fallacy in your argument about Paulson... #119 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 03:12 AM ...I'm pretty much done wanting to go over this tonight... #122 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 03:21 AM ...then you admit you contradicted yourself...Schizo much?... #124 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 03:28 AM #125 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 03:36 AM #128 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 03:39 AM #129 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 03:43 AM #130 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 03:46 AM #131 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 03:52 AM #132 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 03:55 AM #133 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 04:01 AM MOOMANFL Sleep. Read. Ponder. You for America or against it? #134 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 04:02 AM I am beginning to question which one of us need sleep more. Quoting a Nobel Prize winning Economist to support your position when that person opposes the auto bailouts? That sounds like a post from the depths of exhaustion to me. #136 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 04:14 AM Good night. #143 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 04:28 AM "It's a waste of time to debate an ideologue." Pot meet kettle. #147 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 04:34 AM ...sorry, my eyes are glazed over by your lack of empathy for Americans. #157 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 05:30 AM I'm going to bed. I have reached my limit tonight debating right wingers who spout rhetoric and display a distinct lack of support for fellow Americans - except in slogans and flags. Night. #160 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 05:33 AM It's 4:34 in the morning and you're still arguing... #163 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 05:38 AM For the final time, goodnight, MOOMAN. #166 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 05:43 AM ...Night y'all. #171 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 05:51 AM ...You know what, AU. Fuck you and the high hobby horse you sit on...You are just a pathetic little sniveling asshole that thinks calling someone "unpatriotic" is the height of wit. #175 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 06:03 AM Oh, gee, now I won't be able to sleep...Staying up to get the last word? Help yourself. Here's mine: You're alright, MOOMAN. Just completely and utterly self serving on the issue of saving American jobs... #177 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 06:19 AM You're tired. Get some sleep. No need to start in on the name calling and tirades. See you later. And with that I'm turning off my computer. You may have the last word .... #179 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 06:26 AM Oh... I get it now... you don't really understand English that well. That is why you keep repeated the same tired bullshit over and over. Here let me get out my English/Lobotomese dictionary and translate for you: ARRRrrrrrrr.... UUURrrRGgggghhh... Ooorrrrrffff fRrreuuuuughhh. Did you understand that, fuckwit? Try digging that finger up your nose a little farther. Maybe you will find at least one braincell left in that vacuous cavern you call a skull that will understand what say next...What a fucking idiotic joke you are. Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 06:40 AM I may saunter to bed and read awhile... #184 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 06:40 AM Like I said, have the last word. I don't care. You're over the edge now. I"m turning my computer off. You're just getting plain abusive and incoherent. Later. #186 | Posted by AMERICANUNITY at 2009-06-02 06:46 AM ~~~~~ LOL 4.5 hrs: Anyway... night everyone. Moo needs sleep badly.Take care and keep safe. #98 | Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 02:12 AM ..... .... ... .. . Posted by moomanfl at 2009-06-02 06:40 AM
Nothing gets a jabbering fundo spinning out of control as quickly as a thread on religion, and our fucked up society offers no shortage of fodder as an excuse for the falsely pious to smear shit all over a thread. Christfags really seem to enjoy fantasizing about the breakdown of society, the eventual end of the world, and a bunch of other shit nobody cares about:
—TheOneBS, on getting horny.
While there are many interesting varieties of gun-loving Drudgetards, they all share one trait: a dangerously tenuous grip on reality. Thankfully, the Black Jesus is mobilizing his brownshirts to confiscate all weaponry as you read these words. While deine Papiere are being processed at the re-education center, get to know some of the different kinds of people who use guns.
|Gallerie de Gunfaggotry||About missing Pics|
Most good Christians realize that faggotry is an ungodly, decadent, but strangely irresistible act of deviance from the word of god. Californistan's recent passage of Proposition 8 has caused epic butthurt amongst libtard circles, while cuntservatives take the opportunity to celebrate. However, there are still a few heathens left who would have you believe that you can't pray the gay away:
—ZombieHunter, on testing for teh ghey.
Not to be deterred, some seek to gain the intellectual upper-hand by appealing to reason:
—Tadowe, on people who are neither men nor women.
—Real_Story, one of the laziest motherfuckers alive.
Some Notable Users
—Buffalo_bOoB, inducing many a facepalm.
Despite numerous fine examples of criminals being perma-banned IRL by gun owners, no thread has since been safe from being hijacked by da' bOoB and his incessant stream of bullshit. da' bOoB has ruined dozens of unrelated threads and literally spent weeks' worth of time arguing over absurd hypothetical scenarios regarding his original statement.
As if antenna madness weren't enough, da' bOoB also sees smokestacks and other impossible constructs on the moon. He advances a preposterous argument based on this (tl;dw warning) video. Alas, it is futile to attempt to reason with a fucktard:
—Sully, making sense.
—Buffalo bOoB, ignoring all of modern science.
Lil' Jeffy is the DR's resident tinfoil hat wearing, pants-pissing conspiracy monger. He's also an ex-pat who became a Eurofag after fleeing Dumbfuckistan with what little dignity and sanity his reptilian overlords (tl;dw warning) spared him.
Since reaching the safety of Jutland and a tinfoil body-suit, lil' Jeffy has successfully exposed the New World Order's lies about the following: SUPERTECHNOLOGY, the purposeful contamination of municipal water supplies, the planning of mass graves, chemtrails, and 9/11 conspiracies.
—Doc_Sarvis, picking some low-hanging fruit.
To lil' Jeffy, anyone who disagrees with his wild-eyed conspiracies is a sheep being led around by the nose. Ironically, it is Jeff who - much like a barnyard animal under the moonlight somewhere in Texas - finds himself skewered rectally by the likes of Alex Jones.
Many a Drudgetard has butted heads with "the world's smartest oil rig worker", and chances are good that the Old Southern White Gentleman is winning an e-argument against someone, somewhere, at this very moment. Goatstain has more online rivals than there are particles in the known universe, and holds the current record for having the most butthurt-inspired attack threads directed at him by a considerable margin. Goatshit tries to pass himself off as an unbiased and independent observer, but that's all part of the game he plays to make liberal shitposters spin themselves in circles before they pass out in a pool of their own tears and vomit.
Whereas da' bOoB and lil' Jeffy are simply fucktarded, Goatboy presumably has a modicum of intelligence - although it is rarely on display, as he's perpetually caught in the cycle of trolls trolling trolls. He is, therefore, a match made in heaven for da' bOoB and lil' Jeffy -- who happen to among his favorite targets. Why he insists upon repeatedly excavating and beating these long-dead horses is beyond the comprehension of any mere mortal.
Either Goatturd is the only guy working on his oil rig, or the rest of the them can't tolerate his presence, because he posts ad nauseum in his offshore time. The defense of his goatsona is an all-consuming task, and Goatflop spends many a night locked into pointless pissing contests, playing impossible word games with the other retards.
Radio: Cadenhead Does Drudge Retort Report http://www.drudge.com/archive/118276/radio-cadenhead-does-drudge-retort-report We begin just as the rage is building to fever pitch. Goatman and Briwo have made some kind of "bet" - which really means it's shit nobody cares about - and now Goatee is eager to meet IRL. ~~~~~~ San Antonio (lots of vets and active duty there, so they will be easy to find) two weeks from today. $500. I'll let you know the specific bar in the next few days. I'll have to do some googling, but I'm not going to waste my time if you are simply going to back down. Will you be there? Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:05 PM Will you, or will you not be in San Antonio two weeks from today to fulfill your end of your bet? Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:09 PM I'll be there two weeks from tomorrow. What bar will we be at, and can you suggest a hotel for me to stay at? I'll make the reservations today and post my orbitz.com itenerary to prove it. What airport do I fly into and what hotel is closest to the bar we'll be at -- sweetie. LOL Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:13 PM Oh, BTW, are you cool with the $500 being the wager? Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:13 PM You could've avoided the 'bluster' if you answered my questions about the particulars the first time. Anyway, tell me what airport I'll be flying into in two weeks and the closest hotel to the bar where this bet is going to take place. Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:15 PM Sorry to be 'blustery' but getting information from you is like pulling teeth. Airport and hotel, please. If I don't show up in two weeks, THEN trash me. But I can't be there if you don't tell me the airport I fly into. Don't worry about the hotel -- I'll do that myself. You seem to find these simple requests quite difficult. So what airport will I be flying into? Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:19 PM I'd love to meet more DRers in person. Most of them are very nice people. Anyway, briwo -- *sigh* -- once again: What airport do I fly into in two weeks? fuck. Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:24 PM What airport do I Fly into in two weeks so that we can settle our bet? Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:27 PM I guess I was never stationed on a ship that had a port of call [at Ft. Lewis]. I googled since it was such a fucking hard question for you to answer. Do I fly into SeaTac? Is that right? Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:29 PM Is SeaTac the airport I will be flying into? Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:31 PM Is SeaTac the airport I will be flying into? Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:32 PM Is SeaTac the airport I will be flying into? Briwo, you are making it clear you have no intention on honoring your bet. If you don't want to, just say so. If you are going to be a man and honor it, help me get my travel together. Is SeaTac the airport I will be flying into? Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:36 PM if I knew you were one who makes a bet then renegs, it would've been over a long timem ago, too. Is SeaTac the airport i will fly into? Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:37 PM I hesitate even going here since it took so longfor you to type those six letters, SEATAC. But I have to know since Seattle is a big place and I simply don't want to go to every one of them looking for you: what is the name of the bar we will be at? Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:39 PM *sigh* here we go again. Which bar? Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:43 PM The bulk of my ff miles are with Continental, and I don't think they fly into there. but I'll rent a car and drive if that is where the closest bar is. BTW, what is the name of that bar? Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:45 PM ...considering it took dozens of posts to get to this point and for you to type the six letters SEATAC, clearly you have such a problem. Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:48 PM BTW, I look forward to the trip. I like Seattle (actually I like the entire US, so don't get too big headed) and the rest of the state. I have a friend who lives in Priest lake Idaho and a cousin in Vancouver WA. I'll probably make a couple of side trips while I'm up there to see them, too. Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:50 PM "Hey Goatie, can you send me the GPS coordinates of your rig?" 28 75.28' N, 88 52.868 W (see how easy it can be to answer a question about location? take a lesson here.) Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:53 PM "But after you get your ass kicked we could hit a few happy hrs and get the half priced food and drinks." It sounds like you are going to make sure ill falls upon me. Posted by goatman at 2009-02-27 05:56 PM NEVAR 4GET: THE INTERNET IS SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The next log is fairly representative of the predictable trajectory for any popular thread, although this particular one turns bizarre a bit quicker than most. Sooner or later, everything devolves into a pissing match between Goatee and (fill-in-the-blank(s)):
Military Recruiter Killed http://www.drudge.com/news/121605/military-recruiter-killed ~~~~~~ the despondent liberal's weapon-of-choice would have been a purse - just as Joe suggested. #91 | Posted by JeffJ at 2009-06-01 04:19 PM You are full of shit. What if you couldn't get to your purse? What if you were overcome and someone took your purse and choked you with the straps? What if they got the jump on you and emptied the contents and shoved your own lipstick up your nose -- rose petal pink in one nostril and coral red in the other? What if the bad guy grapped your cuticle scissors and hacked a hole in your neck? What if when you swung the purse, your compact came out and the sun reflected off of the mirror in it and it blinded you? What if the car keys came in contact with an electrical outlet right next to you and you were electrocuted. See, I just proved a purse is not a good weapon. No purse, no crime. - da bOoB #93 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 04:26 PM "The most dangerous thing to a rightie, that they just hate being attacked with....a fact." Actually it's the most dangerous thing to attack anyone with. Or is the left immune to a fact attack when caught bending the truth? #97 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 04:34 PM "The left is bludgeoned constantly with facts on this site and the response is often a bunch of emotional hyperbole." That's why I asked if the were immune to a fact attack. It very well could be they are. #102 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 04:38 PM Goatman would have inanely argued him to death. #107 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 04:41 PM montetroll wouldn't trolled him to death #121 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 04:45 PM "Yes, I've been married to a woman...." Thankfully for her, she's in a better place now. #122 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 04:46 PM An urn? She'd probably disagree with you is she could. #132 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 04:50 PM Sorry to break this to you, Goat, but studies show that 9 out of 10 human beings would rahter be dead than married to you. If you'd like to meet the one in ten exception, ask UB40. #136 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 04:54 PM Sarah Palin would've shot him from a helicopter. #138 | Posted by nullifidian at 2009-06-01 04:57 PM Ray would've beaten him to death with his gold cane. #139 | Posted by nullifidian at 2009-06-01 04:58 PM Only 9 out of 10? I would have guessed it to be more like 99 out of 100 at least. I think you better re-do your poll. #141 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 05:03 PM So you think that poor woman was the one in 100? #144 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 05:04 PM I guess we're at the point where Montecore spirals into his obsession with Goatman and ruins the thread. #148 | Posted by LIVE_OR_DIE at 2009-06-01 05:09 PM I knew when he started I should not have mentioned my fat hairy body. Since then he's been all over me like a chicken on a June bug. Having professed his attraction to me, I can't help but to think he's stroking that thing of his now as we speak. LOL #150 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 05:12 PM "But my dead wife routine never gets old" Montetroll #151 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 05:14 PM Ever since Goatman professed that he liked to sniff his granddaughter's used diapers, I've been less than charitable to him. Big deal. I guess Goatman's trusty defender Live_or_Die likes diaper sniffers. #154 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 05:17 PM You brought up your dead wife before I did, Goat. If you don't want her to be a subject here, don't bring her up. But your "montetroll is sexually attracted to me" routine never gets old. At least LiveOrDie seems to dig it. #156 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 05:19 PM "I guess Goatman's trusty defender Live_or_Die likes diaper sniffers." Don't knock it until you've tried it. And when you do -- go for the poopy ones. #158 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 05:19 PM "If you don't want her to be a subject here" ??? Did I say that? Is this what old age does to you, montetroll? Causes hallucinations? LOL #159 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 05:21 PM So now your fantasy includes me being old? Are you more turned on by fantasy admirers who are old? You got issues, Rural Southern White Gentleperson. #162 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 05:25 PM "It's the volume that makes [your trolling] so much more cringe inducing" Does the fact that Goatman outposts me at least 5 to 1 induce cringes? Or because he is on your side of the political spectrum change, are his posts less annoying to you? #166 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 05:28 PM Between you and me it's pretty much 1:1 unless I'm not in the mood to feed my troll. Overall, I outpost you more like 10:1 when I am offshore. When I am oshore you outpost me, of course since I don't DR there #169 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 05:31 PM How do I get away with the shit I post around here? Don't blame it on RCade, blame it one the fact that Goatman is terrified of me. He is literally afraid to flag my posts. And that's not because I am actually a threat to him; it's because he's 100% pussy. Watch - even this post won't get flagged by that finger-sniffing pussboy. #171 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 05:32 PM I like toes better #173 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 05:34 PM "...Goatman is terrified of me." Incredibly so. I had 8 extra deadbolts put on my door because of you. And I'm talking about my cabin door on th rig. I had 12 installed at home. #176 | Posted by goatman at 2009-06-01 05:37 PM The Old Southern White Gentleman posts to other people about putting cocks down their throats and stuff like that and it deosn't even get deleted, much less dumped. I think RCade counts on the unbelievable amount of posts the poor guy makes every day for his ad revenue. I mean, he and BoOB can make 1,00's of posts in a single day on one single thread. I think Goat is the goat who lays the golden egg for RCade. #177 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 05:37 PM [CalifChris] better line up a second locksmith for her Journey of Love planned for Texas next month. #180 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 05:40 PM ~~~ Calling non-fiction books "novels" isn't a grammar mistake, lawyer. I thought you shysters were such sticklers for details. #192 | Posted by nullifidian at 2009-06-01 06:46 PM Let's be precise, Nulli. Joe is a wanna-be shyster, not a bona fide shyster. #193 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 06:48 PM How do I know this? Joe is always gone during remedial bar exam class time, and here at times when no new attorney would be. Powers of Deduction - gotta love 'em. #194 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 06:49 PM Yeah, whether I call something a "book" or a "novel" on the drudge retort is my top priority as an attorney. #202 | Posted by JOE at 2009-06-01 07:02 PM Montecore, go fuck yourself, you have no clue what hours I work or where I am posting from. I work 50-60 hours per week lately and post from work or home when I feel like taking a break. #203 | Posted by JOE at 2009-06-01 07:02 PM Congrats, Joe. That's pretty good. Some other paralegals are actually having trouble finding work. You must be one of the better ones. #204 | Posted by mOntecOre at 2009-06-01 07:07 PM
—Salad Tosser, parodying stupid Americunts.
—Tosser tossing shit.
Tosser: literally: one who masturbates excessively; this young bicycle-borne Pakistani gets his kicks by fapping nightly to the baffling stupidity of Americunts - that is, when he's not dodging explosions or violating the livestock.
Somehow, Toaster managed to get a fine education in his beloved third-world hell on earth, and is thus able to communicate with people in faraway lands who've never been on the receiving end of an appreciative camel's "winking" pussy. Salad-Tosser is despised by Christfags and other STUPID AMREEKANs since he tweaks them and tells the truth about America's foreign policy. Being a Paki, Toaster feels inherently superior to stinky Indians, although he apparently doesn't realize that that's like saying a frothy cup of santorum makes for a slightly better snack than does jenkem. Tosser's best efforts arguing online will never make up for the fact that he still lives in fucking Pakistan, is one of the mud people, and is therefore bound for the lake of fire.
—101, on self-ruination. LOLOLOLOL
101CompassionBorne is the Retort's original humanitarian, do-gooder, victim's rights advocate, community organizer, NAACP spokesperson, First Lady fanboi, and proud lifelong Democrat who maxed out his donations to then-candidate Obama and makes sure to plant at least one tree every day. ChairPoop also runs a charity for diabetic peg-legged Jewish midget orphans from the Horn of Africa (at least some of whom require shots for sickle cell anemia) when he's not mentoring local at-risk inner city youths.
—Chairpoodle, pressing pretty much every one of the libtards' buttons at once.
—AmericanUnity, on moar beer.
The Artist Formerly Known As Jak_Se_Mao is an alcoholic pony-raper who lives on, and "maintains", Brokeback Ranch in Pony's Asshole Burns Like Fire, TX. Somehow, Jak manages to stay conscious for a few hours each night - after a full day of digging post holes and shodding ponies no less - long enough to diarrheapost all over the DR. When he's not taint-deep in one of his unfortunate animals (or passed out in a 10-gallon cowboy hat full of his own vomit) Brokebak Jak can be found piss-drunkenly raging against anything that threatens his precious "Anglosphere".
But, since President Obama was elected, a stormy, black mood has been following Jak everywhere he goes. Being one of them good ole' Texas boys, the presence of a 'coon in the Oval Office has ruined the rompin' hootenanny them white boys had been enjoyin' in them dayumned White House. The undeniability of Obama's sudden unwanted invasion of Fox News hangs like an albatross from Jak's neck to the point that he can no longer enjoy shodding the ponies, as they've long ago been stretched and blown out by his furied pony-poking. These days, not even an ice-cold Coors Lite and Lucky Strike combo (for those rough, scratchy days on the job, Jak needs that beer that won't fill him up and never slow him down) can quell Jak's rage, so he seeks an online refuge from the realization that his worldview is quickly dying.
In an interesting case study of both Freudian projection and reaction-formation, Jak's booze-soaked brain jerks to life, imagination suddenly sputtering online, whenever teh gheys come up in conversation or Tosser is detected posting. Perhaps wishing to escape the ennui of daily life as a pony-poker in Texas, Jak fantasizes of a little foreign four-legged pussy to add to his little black book. Then, frustrated by Tosser's affronts to his delicate sensibilities, an alcohol vapor hovers around Jak's head as he pecks at the keyboard just long enough to project his beastial fantasies to the entire internets before passing out (hopefully face-down) in a pool of his own beer vomit. Back to the stables with you, boy.
—Rex Zitgrease, reflecting on his life situation.
The Political War Zone (partially archived) was born and promoted as a response to the supposedly fascist moderation policies on the Retort. In actuality, it was a cheap stunt for attention, driven by delusion, desperation, and -- most especially -- epic fail (lol).
At least three of the miserable prick founders came crawling back after realizing that nobody cares about their internet psychodrama, thus laying waste to their grandstanding and bullshit claims. So, what does the internets think of Rex, his butt buddies, and his shitty failed blog?
—Raystradamus, on the coming apocalypse.
—Raystradamus, on why he's hiding in your children's closet.
A previous incarnation of Ray lived in 17th-century Holland and lost the game, along with all of his worldly possessions, when Tulip Mania went bust. Legend has it that Ray went so far as to barter away his last jewgold to speculate on a single tulip bulb, only to be ruined when a sailor mistook it for an onion. To his great dismay, Ray discovered the sailor "eating a breakfast whose cost might have regaled a whole ship's crew for a twelvemonth". The events of that horrific afternoon seared an indelible mark on Ray's eternal spirit and his anguish reverberated across centuries. Ray decided to never again part with a single jewgold, and vowed to accumulate as many as possible in his future lives.
Over time, Ray has witnessed many an empire rise up only to be bitchslapped back down to earth by hubris, and notices many of the familiar symptoms occurring here in the USA. Rather than succumb to the forces of history, Ray has taken preemptive action, singlehandedly constructing a fortress made of solid jewgolds -- complete with gilded meats, vegetables, and various potables. He sees the rest of the world as playing court jester to what will be his epistemologically-ordained royalty, but might still like to watch you chase and scrounge after a few jewgolds between noshes on the turkey leg you will be bringing him. In case the mob becomes too unruly or the best-case scenario otherwise doesn't pan out, Ray has personally overseen the construction of his very own Golden Gun, and feels quite confident betting it against whichever antenna da' bOoB chooses.
Between being a WoWFag, shit-posting as a fictional potato who wishes others to "Be Well", and simply by virtue of being a Canuck, several shifty-eyed Drudgetards have come to suspect that Spud is, in fact, Pædobear's little-known sidekick.
The Ass Fucker Known As Bush Lover 2 is a Republicunt shill who uses the commie computers at a Houston, Texass library to spam his well-reasoned opinions in an unrelenting simultaneous three-pronged assault on the reader's intelligence, eyesight, and mouse scroll-wheel:
—AflacBabbler, on why marijuana ought to remain illegal.
If the target is a libtard:
- Point out how a lot of 0bamessiah's policies still mimic Bush's.
- Tell them you still cum in your pants while thinking of waterboarding.
- Suggest that teh gheys just need to learn to become good Christians.
- Spread the Gospel of Creationism, or spam passages from the bible.
- Agree with Goatflop on any subject.
If the target is a cuntservative:
- Say that everything is still Bush's fault.
- Bash their squealing pigman demigod Flush Rimjob and his sycophantic dittohead thrall.
- Openly fawn over Marxism, socialized medicine, Hugo Chavez, etc.
- Tell them that Jesus is - and always has been - an imaginary faggot.
- Unequivocally support the ACLU, Bill Ayers, ACORN, or any other boogeyman that gets the teabaggers' panties in a twist.
- Black Jesus
- Internet Politics
- Matt Drudge
- The Drudge Retort
- Cruel Site of the Day (archived)
- TOW founder Jimmy Wales caught editing his own biography.
- Science prof crucifies a cracker, causing acute butthurt to many a christfag.
- Trying too hard.
- Is Anonymous coming to rape you? Consider a Car Antenna!
- Rednecks shoot and kill 7 y/o boy.
- There is a Goodyear Tire Plant on the moon. You heard it here first!
- Reptilian Illuminati Bloodlines - zOmG!!!!!1!
- Cop kicks suspect in the head after chase.
- Goatman's epic rage thread.
- Seek sagely advice from "the world's smartest oil rig worker"!
- Goatman is a big meanie and makes Furryhole cry.
- DR "historian" Hansel asked Goatman to stop the flaming, but he didn't.
- An attempt to educate Goatman.
- Tulip Mania...WTF??!?
- Tosser defined.
- Pakistan gets bombed. A lot.
- Stupid AMREEKANs can't tell brown people apart.
- Goatdrama in response to some nasty things typed by an imaginary Canadian potato.
- Drama-queen Zitgrease loudly announces that he's picking up his marbles.
- Is this "Hope" and "Change"?
- Radio chode Mancow Muller gets waterboarded for the lulz.