The Keeper

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A lesbian putting her significant other to sleep.
"The Keeper", divinely floating in space and oddly resembling one of those things they use for clogged toilets

The Keeper is a rubber device used by fat feminists who believe that they are saving the rainforest because they don't use tampons or cotton pads. The Keeper is a receptacle that collects menstrual blood, allowing the lesbian user to save said blood and get creative with it or use it as a plant fertilizer for top-quality, organically-grown tomatoes. The Keeper, also known as Moon Cup, is supposed to be washed three times a day. The blood should be discarded. However, we all know that's bullshit since all lesbians are liberals who think that re-cycling must be applied to everything, including condoms dental dams.

History

Back in the Neolithic period, when men weren't were furries and women made brontosaur sammiches, the latter (women and brontosaurs) used to let their menstrual blood run freely down their limbs as a peace offering to all the vampires who used to roam the Earth. Unfortunately, last Thursday some hippy wiccan thought it would be eco-friendly to create a device that allowed her to collect her blood in most selfish fashion, and The Keeper was conceived. As a result, we have been plagued with faggoths who swear to have occult powers and a thirst for blood. Well, there's The Keeper for you. We wouldn't want to let all those good menses go to waste now, would we?

Saving the environment

Tampons and period pads are made of cotton (moar like a fucking plant, one would presume). The Keeper is made of rubber (which is made from petroleum or trees, amirite?) or silicone. The logic of these brave environmentalists leaves us pondering whether they are trolling us or just batshit crazy. We thinks them naïve.

From under the Rubber Tree

However genius the idea of The Keeper is, it still has one small flaw that makes us doubt the magnificence of its performance: users of The Keeper still have to wear a pad to prevent the menstrual blood from splattering out of their rubbery vaginas and staining their tye-dye underwear. Not just any pad, though: Moon Cup companion pads, which are better and much moar eco-friendly than regular ones because they are manufactured by the same company that sells The Keeper. They are thick, flowery and look like kitchen cloths. They are, in fact, cloths made of... well, pure cotton. But these ones can be rinsed and re-used, so the planet is safe and we can all rest appeased. (See disturbing gallery of a comic by Andie White below.) It is said that users of The Keeper grow so attached to it that they wear it on regular days anyway as a substitute for the male penis or dildo, and that they gently put it to sleep as if it was their inner child. It sort of is, isn't it?

You Recycle WHAT?? by a fat indie bitch.


See Also