The Moogle Cavern
The Moogle Cavern is one of the internet's foremost furry denial forums, where members congregate to discuss Nintendo, their life problems and humorous topics often involving pies. First established in 1989 as a Final Fantasy Yaoi shrine, the site went through a gradual evolution from a meeting place for Sonic fantards to its current position as the internet's most comprehensive repository of dead injokes and wannabe goons and /b/tards.
It is believed there is a website involved somewhere in a hidden section of www.mooglecavern.com but as of June 2007, nobody has discovered it.
- 1 The message board
- 2 Moogcast
- 3 Notable personalities
- 4 Drama
- 5 Closure #1232: This Time He Means It
- 6 Links
The message board
Composed of two sections, the secondary forum of the Moogle Cavern message board is entitled "General Discussion", and functions as a repository for Nintendo press releases and personal dilemmas.
The primary forum on the site is called the "Fluff Forum," a name which reflects its constituency of homosexual furries. Some trends in the creation of threads can be observed with approximately three minutes of work. A basic overview of the categories most fluff forum threads consist of follows here:
- Welcome topic for a female member
- Topic about a female member
- Inane message board game
- "PIES! ^_^"
- "PIES AND CHEESE! ^___^"
- Hilarious play-on-words parody of "PIES AND CHEESE! ^___^" entitled "CAKE AND CUSTARD .___."
- "Alright, Here We Go," a Moogle Cavern tradition of thousand-page threads about pies and cheese
- A topic more suited to the General Discussion forum. Most likely about Nintendo.
All other forums available on the site are rarely visited and generally worthless.
This is the Moogle Cavern's podcast, an ill-conceived venture that basically equates to the General Discussion forum with added nerdy giggling. You may visit the MoogCast website, but beware of the INSANITY and RANDOMNESS within!
The Moogle Cavern has been host to a colourful cast of members who deserve mention on this page. Only the biggest drama llamas have been documented.
Kulock, benevolent leader of the Moogle Cavern website is a 26-year-old furry. Highly proficient in building impenetrable walls of text, he uses a Moogle as his fursona and idolizes a semi-robotic animal with a metal vagina. He was listed on Okcupid.com as "a single interested in furry," but has since removed the profile after two 16-year-old girls found his number and discussed the usage of sex toys with him. Wtf?
Earlier this year, Marc, a member of the #lemonade IRC chat discovered Kulock's deepest darkest secret - an alternate presence on the web on FurAffinity, where the depths of his furfaggotry were fully revealed. This has been something of a slow outing, and many of the Moogle Cavern userbase remains unaware of the horrendous Sonic porn and creepy journal entries that were posted there, as Kulock never seems to have actively denied the existence of the page or his double life as a massively creepy furry. It appears that in the last month or two, the site was dismantled. All that remains is Amy buttfucking a chao.
—Kulock, dabbling in romantic furfiction
An informative survey on his FurAffinity page indicated that he
- Identifies as furry
- Faps to muscular females
- Kinda likes dickgirls
- Is scared of impregnation (gay)
While he denies interest in babyfur, his attention to a 6-year-old rabbit in pixel pornography betrays him.
The exposure of a furry Sonic porn artist in itself is fairly ordinary, as the internet is full of terrible Sonic hentai. What makes Kulock's talents truly lulzworthy is his serious persona on the MC boards and the fact he's 26 FUCKING YEARS OF AGE. From what most are able to gather, he holds no steady job, lives at home, and. For this reason it is possible he is even more of a gigantic fucking failure than Blaze, who at least spends his life writing shitty video game reviews instead of yaoi fanfics.
A pitiful waste of life who makes money off of shitty contest entries at Gametrailers, and has never had an actual job due to refusing to leave his mother's basement. He is also known as "Fatbeard", though recently he shaved his beard, much to the dismay of all Moogle Cavern members.
He is famous for his fangame, Marioween, which received over 500,000 downloads. Out of those 500,000 downloads, only Kulock bothered putting up with the shitty glitches and going all the way to the final level. Instead of getting a job and doing something with his life, Blaze is waiting for Nintendo to hire him for his amazing work. Of course, he'll be working out of his basement for them due to the fact that no amount of contests will win him the money it'd cost to move to Japan to actually work as a Nintendo developer, but he's hoping they'll acknowledge his talent and skill to pay him from across the world to produce such high-quality Earthworm Jim recolors as "Chip Hardcheese", "largest, most difficult undertaking since The Third Mario Brother". Third Mario Brother itself was a shitty movie he entered the aforementioned Gametrailers contest, where his Windows Movie Maker skills won him two $500 video game gift cards. He promptly showed his commitment to moving up in life by spending the winnings on an Xbox 360 and the next-gen Sonic game.
As he says he once had a girlfriend before he dropped out of high school, he is most likely heterosexual, though we will not truly know until he grows strong enough to lift the fatrolls that envelope his crotch. Oh, did we mention he dropped out of high school? But it's okay, he'll be set for life once he's working for Nintendo.
Recently Blaze rallied MCers to vote for his shitty RUNNER UP mascot thing to win $50 to spend at Gamefunk. He eventually won and now he does not have to get a job to get GTA4. Which he expects to eventually buy used. Once again, Blaze has successfully avoided leaving the basement.
When not studying delicious flat chests, or engaging in discussions about the colour of Optimus Prime's headgear, Andrusi seeks out posts where he can identify some manner of cohesive public opinion, so that he can interject with "WELL ACTUALLY, I enjoyed\hated ___ quite thoroughly!" As a result of these vain attempts to maintain relevancy, he has declared the utmost respect for all modern Sonic games that everyone hates, bad movies, and the holocaust.
Notably, Andrusi instigated the random saying "Geable geable goo!!!", which remains on the cutting edge of Moogle Cavern catchphrase humour.
Superficially, Squishdiboo doesn't seem to have a valid reason for visiting the Moogle Cavern, as she has no interest in furries, videogames, or really anything at all for more than 10 minutes at a time. Her intentions are clear with even the slightest amount of observation, however, as she appears to exist as some kind of succubus demon whore who feeds on the attention of the sex-starved male adolescents and basement-dwellers that comprise 98% of the Cavern.
—Squishidiboo, but IT'S A TRAP.
She has had 143 boyfriends and ruined most of their lives - most likely through giving them the idea that a woman may ever like them, and subsequently causing a crisis of self-worth as she leaves them. Fadflamer will be her next victim.
The Moogle Cavern was also a prime breeding ground for what later became the phenomenon of Hol Tiger. In general he was kind of an embarrassing moron, with little of much interest occurring until he migrated to deviantART.
His ban on the MC forums, however, is amusing because it was so fucking absurd. It resulted in the greatest thread of the Moogle Cavern's entire history. Hol was IMed by somebody who impersonated Kulock, giving him a fake message to post on the General Discussion board. Kulock automatically banned Hol, as he never said any such thing. The story of Hol's exile is now the stuff of Moogle Cavern folklore, and haunts Kulock to this day.
A WWII-obsessed shota, known for his creepy liaisons with Squiggles the Chao, a balding 38 year old Linux user. Once prolific on the forum, Mightfox now operates a secret IRC channel named #fallschirmjager on irc.psigenix.net (whoops!) created expressly for the purpose of facilitating cybersex between himself and Squiggles. Recently Mightfox and his horde of drooling idiots decided to vandalize and spam this article, earning Mightfox a spot here for making SuitCase butthurt. gg guys.
The one year downtime
In March 2005, the Moogle Cavern forum was broken into and modified by a group of elite hackers who managed to crack the secure phpBB code the forum was based upon. This mirror of the hacked page indicates the extent of Bill Nye and KHAAAAAAN required in order to drown out the overwhelming furfaggotry of the MC page.
Inexplicably, while Kulock maintained a backup of the web site, it took him approximately one year to restore the forum to what has become its current state. There has been some speculation that this process was delayed by the release of Blaze Hedgehog's highly notable fan game Super Mario: Blue Twilight DX, which has been featured on G4. Featured on G4. Featured on G4.
Concurrently the community #lemonade and The Moogle Cavern are at odds with one another, constantly doing nothing but whining back and forth about each other in their respective internet shit houses.
The Great ED Article War of 2007
The creation of this very article has lead to the (unsurprising) exposure of the entire MC board as a veritable ranch of bloated pimply lolcows. While the community (particularly Kulock) has been steaming for several months, things came to a head recently when Blues, angry and disillusioned from the removal of his one last hope for female companionship, started a rash of updates to this article. The subsequent images of Kulock's naked back, a link to his FurAffinity account and reverts of completely worthless and unfunny bullshit written by members like H Hog resulted in an edit war.
As a result of the activity, a thread soon emerged on the Moogle Cavern forum where everyone bitched and moaned while freedom fighters Evan, SuitCase and Sammy continued to milk more tears out of the forum as a whole. Highlights of the thread could be said to be forum member Seph's bizarre freakout where he decided he was some kind of redneck nigra hybrid for the day.
—Seph, being a fucking weirdo
Some members of the forum were quick to offer support, such as drak:
—drak, telling it like it is
Most notable, however, were the lulz generated from the mouth of Kulock himself, who spiralled into a neurotic hyperventilating mess after only a few posts. During this period he went from accusing SuitCase of staging a prank call, to assuming a global conspiracy to disseminate his OKCupid contact details, to finally rejecting the aforementioned offer for a threesome with two 16-year-old lesbians with dildos. Kulock's massive butthurt can most likely be attributed to his inability to make social contact IRL, as his most common response to human interaction is one of confusion and rage.
While it was obvious some were greatly upset by the accusations made in the article (most notably Blaze, whose insecurity of being regarded as a human Snorlax came to the fore), most attacked the creators of the article for bizarre reasons like "4CHAN IS GOING TO INVADE OUR MESSAGE BOARDS NOW". This statement completely ignores the fact that 4chan fucking hates Encyclopedia Dramatica, and that ED only documents this shit and has neither the organization nor the force to perform an invasion. If there is anything to be learned from the Moogle Cavern's behavior in this "war", it's this: When in doubt, simply use the "pot calling the kettle black" adage and similar metaphors and you've totally owned someone by default.
Closure #1232: This Time He Means It
As of January 8th 2008 Kulock has officially closed the site. Without any other official meeting place it's hard to determine the impact of the closure but it can be certain that at least 100 furries shat bricks. It is currently unknown if the site will stay up just as a reminder that it was there, end up a 404 page, or will get grabbed by a squatter bot. What is known is that now the 100 furries that were still posting will have to go to the supermarket for their fluff just like everyone else.
#lemonade, meanwhile, is reportedly having the largest sausagefest in history.
After much withdrawal, Sonic Eats Rings was created a day after the closure. Despite the fact that there is much general faggotry still within (and the shocking, abrupt return of Hol Tiger) it at least holds promise with the new administration. Many female members returned, assumably joyous to no longer have to fear Kulock stalking them. However, Kulock, still bearing the stick he had rammed up his ass before the Moogle Cavern's closure, returned to yell at the community for getting back together again.
Seriously, what the fuck?
Now it seems more people see Kulock for what he really is. But will the Moogle Cavern 2 be THAT improved without him being a giant pisshat?
- The Moogle Cavern message board.
- The MoogCast website.
- An archive of the hacked MC board from early 2005.
- Kulock's user page on Fur Affinity.
- An archive of the furry porn once held on Kulock's Fur Affinity page.
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