|The moon fucking sucks. Nobody can explain how it got there or its relation to the tides.|
The Moon (Powerword: Luna) is that large white thing made of cheese that orbits the Earth and tells people who cannot afford clocks when it's time to go to bed. The Moon is Earth's rape baby that was created when a planet named Theia raped Earth for the lulz, sacrificing himself to make The Moon. The Moon still sticks around today, like you did in your mom's basement when you lost your job and your bitch and had nothing to love but your porn and your cum sock.
The Moon's birth
600 billion years ago, a planet named Theia was just orbiting around with his buddies Mars and Venus. Theia looked over and saw Earth, a stunning young planet who was not out of her molten state yet. Mars noticed Theia looking at Earth and quickly shunned him away, warning him to never eye his bitch again.
In a jealous rage, Theia plotted a way to have Earth all to his own. When all of the planets were asleep, Theia lunged himself at Earth, going all an Hero and raping Earth. 9 months later, Earth was tormented with a new baby Moon.
The Moon today
Today, the moon is still next to mother's side, orbiting like a faggot. It has little gravity and is about 230,000 miles from Earth, yet humans still were able to infect The Moon, and plant a flag in it stating "This is 'MURICA's land!"
The Moon also constantly changes shape, because it's an indecisive cunt. One day, it'll be all like, "I'm going to be a sphere!" then, the next day, it'll be all like, "Ooh, I'm a crescent now!" Jesus Christ. Pick a fucking shape and stick with it already, for fuck's sake.
The Moon also acts as a shield, protecting Earth from meteors.
The Race to The Moon
The Moon has sparked a lot of hubbub within the human population, when the Republicans were afraid that the Commies were going to land on the Moon, have sex with it, then convince The Moon to crash into the United States, after the Commies sent a little iron beeping sphere into space.
So the United States invested $100,000,000 Sextillion and sacrificed 200 monkeys, 10 dogs and a cat to build a space ship that would win the race to The Moon, while the Commies were too busy tent queuing cosplaying as Soviet commisars to get the latest warez for them to interfere with such affairs.
The United States sent Apollo 11 to the Moon on the sexiest year, 1969. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Lightyear made it to The Moon with only 2 freezing nutsacks and a missing finger making America owner of a white, meaningless natural satellite that is 230,000 miles away from Earth. Congratulations.
Why The Moon is Useful
- It is the official symbol of the night
- It keeps satellites in orbit
- It serves as a giant night light
- It's white
- It keeps the tides from stepping out of line
- It has enough cheese on it to feed Africa
Why the Moon is useless
- It's just there
- It supports no life
- Humans don't have societies on it (like people in the 80's thought we would today)
- It's a giant meteor magnet
- It covers the sun, and if you look at it, it will move out of the way causing permanent blindness
- If it could talk, it would most likely be an alabaster retard
Of course, a giant glowing cheese wheel in the sky is not without magical properties, so when this object turns into full moon it can turn ordinary human beings into giant furries. These special furries can only be killed by silver bullets, unlike regular furries which can and should be killed by jacketed hollow-point rounds. When this cheesy fuck isn't turning people into bloodthirsty, killer werewolves it will turn them into psychopathic mass-murderers.
The Moon in Popular culture
Emos, goths, werewolf otherkin and other young humans of darkness see the moon as a cool edgy symbol, and often like telling other people about how much they love it in order to appear like majestic ambassadors of the night.
There exist many autistic 12 year old girls who would sneak out of the house at night on a full moon and stare or howl at the stupid thing in hopes that they would sprout pubic hair all over and become the animal of their spirit.
Once every 52.7493864390932 years, the moon comes closer to the Earth than at any other time. The old media go absolutely apeshit and print photographs of gargantuan, swollen, blood-red celestial omens - dominating city skylines, looming menacingly over mountains, and generally looking like the moon in that famous shot from Speilberg's E.T. where they are silhouetted riding a flying bike across the night sky. The Hollywood comparison is appropriate, because such photographs are tricked-up with very long lenses and depict objects that are actually on the horizon and very often invisible to the unaided eye. Every time a supermoon is about to happen, crowds throng the countryside waiting for the awesome. And every time it happens, everyone goes home disappointed, confused and five bucks poorer for having bought a 'Souvenir Supermoon Viewer' (AKA Christmas-cracker magnifying glass) from a helpful backwoods resident who appeared at the scene.
The Moon is part of a series on
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|The Sun||Mercury||Venus||Earth||The Moon||Mars||Jupiter||Saturn||Uranus||Neptune||Pluto||Space||Nibiru|
|Featured article January 11th & 12th, 2014|
|The Moon||Succeeded by|