The Mueller Report

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to navigation Jump to search



File:Trump jailed.jpeg
What didn't happen

The long-awaited sequel to the Steele Dossier, The Mueller Report is a 9001-page fanfic blockbuster that was three years in the making and a year in the waiting, and caused infinite butthurt when released in April 2019.

Written by septuagenarian G-Man Robert S Mueller, advance publicity promised readers a gripping hunt for the Russian plot to undermine America's presidential election. However, when the book hit the shelves, eager fans were soon disappointed, as it turned out to be a boring load of trivial old shit about how Donald Trump fucked up, because he tried to run the White House like he would his private businesses.

Synopsis

Despite being appointed Special Prosecutor (the clue is in the job title!), Mueller didn't find any evidence of Trump or his campaign colluding with Russia. Knowing that the media would have his ass on buttered toast if he didn't deliver at least some dirt, Mueller pulled a Jew trick and stated that although he hadn't found any evidence of criminality, he couldn't find evidence of Trump's innocence, either. That's really not how investigations work, at least not outside 17th-Century Salem, Mass. If the standard for prosecution is not met, then that's an acquittal.

Seeking to distract from this perversion of the principles of justice, Mueller also set out 11 instances in which he felt Trump might have committed obstruction of justice. But since he'd already found that Trump wasn't covering up any criminality, there was no reason for Mueller to assume the "guilty mind" necessary for Trump to have committed that offense.

What Mueller then did was argue that he'd found an offense with no motive, and then looked for a motive that didn't involve the failed "Russian Collusion" hypothesis. (You'll find Mueller's own admission that this was exactly what he did on page 7 of volume 2 of his report.) So not only was Trump deemed guilty until proven innocent, Mueller actually went out of his way to find some offenses for him to be guilty of in the first place. And then declined to reach an indict/discharge decision anyway. Yeah, seems legit.

In the end, Mueller effectively said "i dunno lol" and toddled off to enjoy some relaxing golf (or whatever it is that 100-year-old bureaucratic fucks do when they retire on a salary the size of a military budget), while leaving Trump looking generally guilty of something with no way to defend himself at all.

Media Reaction

One headline says it all.

“ Mueller report reveals how Trump reacted to special counsel appointment: "I'm f---ed"

—Fucking CNN (Archived: 1 2)

Well, OK, not quite "all", as you'll read further down this ED article.

The reason the media are making such a big noise about this is to distract from the absolutely enormous fact that they have just fallen for a hoax at least three times the size of the Iraqi WMD scam of 2003-2004. For three years, they've been screaming from the rooftops about Russian infiltration, treason, spies, brainwashing, etc, and now they haven't got a fucking thing to show for it. It was all bullshit. Will the media now clean up their act and take a long, hard look at how they got suckered yet again?

A particularly lulzy outcome of all this is that Trump turned out to have been right all along about fake news, and since two of his least favorite papers won Pulitzers for their Trump-Russia coverage, Trump has demanded the awards be withdrawn. (Archived: 1 2) Volume 1: Highlights[edit]

Volume 1 contains the stuff that Mueller was actually supposed to be investigating - the "Russian Collusion" bullshit that had been spewing out of TV and newspapers 24/7 from the day Trump got elected. There wasn't any, and so Mueller contented himself with talking a lot about it but deliberately not issuing a resounding judgement that Trump was innocent of collusion.

You have to wonder whether Mueller's heart was in his job, for this part of the report. All the "Russian Collusion" bullshit supposedly happened before Trump was even elected. So it's hard to see how this could possibly lead to his impeachment for "high crimes and misdemeanors."

However, Mueller did see fit to include an awful lot of details of very dubious relevancy, some of which are quite bizarre. There were also some details included that were obviously relevant but which Mueller didn't remark upon or draw attention to. Here's a pretty gallery of titbits for you to skim through.

Volume 2: Highlights

This part is where Mueller tries to get an obstruction of justice charge to stick to Trump. Except, Mueller himself chose (for fuck knows what reason) not to reach a prosecution/acquittal decision. Having decided not to do the job he was supposed to do, Mueller considered himself at liberty to up-end the principles of justice and declare that he couldn't find the president innocent.

And although he didn't make a fuss about it, Mueller's report clearly demonstrates that on at least one charge, Trump was being framed by a subversive element in his administration - FBI director James Comey. Several instances show that Comey deliberately made out that Trump was trying to get him to drop the early "Russiagate" investigation by saying "I hope you can let this go." Trump's "hopes" were then distorted and reported as though he was leaning on Comey, even though other officials reported far more direct approaches and didn't feel pressured at all.

In revenge, Comey repeatedly refused to do the one tiny thing that Trump was explicitly asking him to do, which was to tell the media that Trump himself was not a subject of the FBI's investigation. Whenever an opportunity arose to put the record straight, Comey kept his mouth firmly shut, thus leaving Trump under a cloud of suspicion and driving the Russiagate hysteria of 2016-2018. Eventually, Trump got so mad that he fired Comey, and even Mueller agreed that firing Comey wasn't obstruction of justice.

The other treacherous backstabber in all this is Michael Cohen✡, who lied his ass off to protect Trump from adverse media coverage, because he thought Trump would pay his legal bills. Then Cohen spilled the beans and acted like a wronged innocent when Trump went apeshit over the betrayal, which had the effect of making Trump look guilty of something more serious than simply misleading the press.

Two other instances stand out: White House press spokesman Sarah Sanders got pilloried for allegedly lying to the media. But what Mueller's report shows is that she repeated information she had got from Trump himself, and only lied to protect Trump from more bad coverage, saying she had just imagined the info she had secretly got from Trump.

The cherry on the top of this meringue of media mendacity is the way in which Trump's quoted reaction to Mueller's appointment ("This is the end of my presidency. I'm fucked.") was conveyed to the public. To listen to the news media, you'd think this was a signed confession of criminal wrongdoing. But you can learn the undistorted truth about what Trump really meant in the following gallery of pretty excerpts (which has colored highlights to show you the important bits).

ZOMG Impeachment??

Unless there's some kind of political earthquake, it's not gonna happen. There might be hearings in the House of Representatives, because the Dems have a majority there. However, the Senate is majority Republican.

Nevertheless, a few Congresscritters have been making impeachment noises.

  • Elizabeth Warren (Dem) - presidential candidate 2020?
  • Pete Buttigeg (Dem) - presidential candidate, 2020? (Also super gaayyyy?)
  • Julian Castro (Dem) - presidential candidate, 2020?
  • Kamala Harris (Dem) - presidential candidate, 2020?

The other Dem contender in 2020 is Bernie Sanders, but he isn't calling for impeachment because even as a 94-year-old communist he recognizes that it's not likely to succeed. The rest of them are just doing it for the headlines.

SURPRISE 24/09/2019

That's right, with something that has absolutely nothing to do with this report, formal impeachment was called by former Bill Clinton's best BFF Nancy Pelosi because of an international phonecall involving Joe Biden or something like that. It's always the sniffers that cause trouble.

External Links

See also

Error creating thumbnail: File missing
The Mueller Report
is part of a series on Donald Trump.


You're gonna love this article, believe me.
Donald trump eyes glowing.jpg
Portal icon television.gif

The Mueller Report is part of a series on

Media

Visit the Media Portal for complete coverage.


Featured article July 27 & 28 2019 Preceded by Willem Van Spronsen The Mueller Report Succeeded by Fortnite