The Velvet Vulva
At first glance, ArtGoddess.com appears to be a run of the mill, poorly-made Renaissance-themed website based around feminist beliefs. While the glorification of trips to Canada and breast feeding seem to be obvious themes, when the owner of the site- Lauren Sinnott- isn't using the word 'sumptuous' in every other fucking sentence, she's busy making bags fashioned to look like vaginas.
"You will know when you have found a good fit!" -- Lauren Sinnott
Only a rung below Menstrual Painting (as her purses don't come with monthly refillable blood capsules), her collection was named 'The Velvet Vulva' which was soon shortened to 'the Velvet V' after internet horndogs kept finding her site through Google when looking for porn. Since her first flash of inspiration, Sinnott has been churning out these pieces of shit at a going rate of around $175 USD. The most expensive go for almost $400 and let's not forget that the more you pay, the more 'magikally significant' they are. As she has nearly 40 different photos of multiple bags, it's obvious that some batshit insane feminazis have bought her products to flaunt and to finger.
"More than a sumptuous Renaissance bag, the Velvet V represents in three-dimensional form the sacred portal to the feminine temple.
Each has sumptuous fabric labia and a beautiful button clitoris.
A Velvet V might become your everyday bag; it might always stay on your altar; or it might be acquired for special occasions. (One of the first Velvet Vs I made was part of the bridal trousseau of a close friend of mine.) Naturally, what you put in your Velvet V can have tremendous symbolic and magickal significance."
-- Lauren Sinnott - I can't make this shit up.
Suggested Usage of the Velvet V Line
- Nuptial Vulvas - carry your ring in style!
- Put it on your wall, like all the other tasteful wymmyn.
- Use one as a sleeping bag. No, I'm not fucking kidding, they actually sell these.
- Wear it as a hat!
- Dangle it from your rear view mirror!
- Medicine bags for rituals and ceremonies
- A Valentine for your nearest and dearest
- To radiate positive feminine energy
- As a G-String
- Put it in your pocket as a change-purse!
- Store sand or centipedes!
- Admiring from afar
After all, "In whatever way the Velvet V is respectfully employed, it will express and honor the Goddess within and without"...
Gallery of Fabric Vaginas
The Velvet V G-String. Protip: Wearing a vagina over your vagina doesn't make you less of a whore.
Satisfied Velvet V Customers
- Anyone with tits and a mustache- gender doesn't matter.
- Hot Topic customers who think that having a vagina attached to their rear view mirror is edgy
- 16 year old girls who describe themselves as 'relly wierd and randommmm!!!'
- Fatasses who can't get any and must resort to $150 coinpurses to relieve their sexual frustration
- Wymmyn - generally the fat ones that even hookers would turn down
- Aliza Shvarts
- Eve Ensler
Contacting Lauren Sinnott
While trolling her is probably piss-easy due to the gratuitous amounts of personal information that she gives out halfway down her front page (which probably makes us stalkers, amirite?), one should keep in mind that her shitty excuse for a website hasn't been touched since 2006. One can only hope that she's curled up in a vulva-shaped sleeping bag and become an hero.
So, what's next for Lauren Sinnott's illustrious fashion lines? Some theorize that the 'Cotton Cock', the 'Leather Labia' and the 'Silk Scrotum' are in production as we speak.