Threatening suicide

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Threatening Suicide is the best drama-generating tactic ever thought of. Used namely by comment whores, attention whores, 16-year-old girls who don't get what they want, as well as others; these "attempts" are often followed with floods of comments from close friends, with an underlying tone of concern and worry. Most people fall for this tactic, hook line and sinker, by believing that the person in question would actually follow through with their threats. In the real world, we know this will simply not occur, as there would be far too much attention for said whore to miss out on. Such activity can be found frequently on the social website facebook, predominantly in which numerous 16-year-old girls demonstrate their awe-inspiring ability to fill an entire browser page worth of BAWWING, Bipolar Disorder and butthurtedness. This phenomenon can also be found on a variety of other sites, such as Yahoo! Answers, Facebook, twitter, tumblr, and basically every other blog website.

There are several reasons why teenagers threaten suicide online. Some of which are, but are not limited to:

  • Their boyfriend/girlfriend has not spoken to them for 10 minutes.
  • They didn't get all of what they wanted.
  • They did get all they wanted, but now she's pregnant.
  • Catastrophic condom failure.
  • All of the above.

How to threaten suicide

  • Start a blog/journal entry/mass message/bulletin/etc saying how sorry you are for ruining things, then add in "and don't reply to this, it's pointless".
  • Wait 15 minutes
  • Post another message stating that "The world would be better off without me, all I do is cause problems and add a burden to everyone I meet, so I'm going to go kill myself."
  • Bonus points: Single out friends and make excuses on why they should be happy you're dead.
  •  ???????
  • Pussy out.

Rinse and repeat approximately every 3 weeks. 4 weeks if you're feeling brave. 6 weeks if you're some mentally stable faggot.

I mean, let's be honest here: generally it is not a good idea. If you threaten suicide, it will almost certainly just disappoint people. This is not because they care about you, but because even if you do get past the threat and make an actual attempt, you will probably botch it all up by using some boring, totally predictable method. Then, even if you were to succeed, your death would doubtlessly be unnoticeable and unoriginal. In fact, you should just give up now and continue living your pathetic life of quiet desperation, unless you know you can keep up with these bad boys and an hero like a champ. We have standards here.

Further, if you do follow through, you won't get to bask in the most abundant source of attention you can bring to yourself, surpassing even coming out of the closet. However, be warned, often times the threat will backfire and you will lose friends you once held dear; which may lead you to the second half of this discussion...

See Also


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