TimeSplitters

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No, it's just my revolver.
Sergeant Cortez is such a fucking badass.

TimeSplitters is a shit FPS made by Free Radical Design, and tries WAYYY too hard to be Halo. You play as Tough Guy Sergeant Cortez in two and three, and a fuck load of other people in the first game. The premise of TimeSplitters is to Time travel through history and retrieve the time crystals to stop time travel Forever. Along the way you meet an ecstatic British dude, a swinger named "Hairy Tipper", some 16 year old girl who's a total slut, a hot Azn, and a overly happy, and extremely random Robot.

The first game didn't have a story, and instead focused on the amazing arcade style gameplay. It is also the only Teen rated game where you can actually Blow Zombie's heads off and play as a hooker. Despite this, the game is severely damaged for it's shitty controls, Inability to jump, lack of story, eye-raping graphics, and very short play time. This is most likely why noone has Evar heard of it.


Because of it's success, the creators decided to make two moar sequals: Timesplitters 2: Electric Boogaloo, and Timesplitters(3): Future Perfect. These were less fail and actually featured a story. Many considered the squeals better than Halo, and it spawned a Cult Following.

Story

The whole gang witnesses Goatse.

At least 100 years ago, some dude and some chick flew into a Mothership of aliens and proceeded to kill fucking everything. There was little to no explanation for all of this. They then ran into a room with a massive Time Portal, and went back in time to retrieve 9 time crystals. After Over 9000 hours of time traveling to get said crystals, Our heroes attempt to GTFO before the Timesplitters kill them. However, the chick gets Pwnt before she could get to the ship, leaving our hero, Sergeant Cortez, as Humanities last hope. He kills a shit load of the beasts, then flys away.


After about 3 years, The Developers released part 2, which added lots of lulz and Humor to the story. It picks up with Cortez Crashing his ride and breaking his neck. Even after this, he still has the balls to stand up and kill everything that moves, in typical FPS fasion. He then runs back to HQ so that he can travel back in time and prevent time travel. He first goes back to 1924, meets a brit, blows up a tank, and watches an old man evaporate into air. When they find a postcard in his office, they automatically assumed that he went there. Cortez then goes forward into the late 60's, and meets a spy named Hairy Tipper. They both decided that a stealthy approach would be best, so after killing everyone on the outside of the base, they retrieve two disguises so they can blend it. Cortez puts on a normal suit, while Hairy puts on a dress. Shit happends, covers are blown, people die and all is well. But, Cortez still hasn't found our mystery man. He decides to travel to the 90's, where he enters a haunted mansion with some whore. BUT WAIT, the mansion is overrun by Zombies!!1! The game turns into a shitty version of Left 4 Dead and we find out our mystery man's name is Crow.

Animooted

Fast Forward 58 years and you are now in the universe of Æon Flux. Some hawt lady, who looks just like Æon,(Despite being Asian) is already 3 steps ahead of Cortez, killing everyone for you so you don't have to do any work. This makes the game boring, even more so than it already is. Once you rendezvous with her, you go into a underground science lab, and fight a bunch of Mutants before meeting up with Crow yet again. Because Cortez is an Idiot, he accidentally tells Crow all about the time device, even though it is obvious he has no prior knowledge of it. His past self then teleports to give himself the Time Device, and Cortez ultimately fucks himself over. Out of anger, he shouts "DAAAMN IIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!" Into the air so loud, that it actually breaches the space time continuum, and can be heard while Hairy Tipper fucks his girlfriend. He briefly turns Emo, till his Girlfriend(No, not the Asian), tells him that she did some research, and linked Crow to The Robot Wars, almost 200 years from his current point in time.


At this point, you're so confused by all this, that your not even paying attention to the story. So, onward, to year 2243, where robots have rebelled against the human race. For robots, these pussies sure are weak, seeing as it takes about 5 shots to kill them, while you take Over 9000 shots to kill. Nothing actually happens that's relative to the plot, except for HOLY SHIT!!! CROW CREATED THE TIME SPLITTERS AS HIS PERSONAL ARMY!!1! Once the level is done, you find some giant blob with Lazers for hands, that is apparently Crow, after he went back in time and fucked his Grandma, before his own Mother. Cortez is shocked by this. At this point, they realize that the Time Crystals they need to destroy were on the Island in the very beginning.


They go back to the Island, and mere seconds after they go back to the 60's, a giant Sub appears, leading to the Crystals. After killing about 2 Billion people, it's finally going to end. Of course, though, Crow has other plans, and goes back to Murder Cortez. Because he's to powerful, you must Go back in time and team up with your past self, which is enough to over power and kill the bastard. You destroy the time crystals, thus preventing time travel altogether. The War Torn Land then turns into a beautiful forest, and Cortez and his Female assistant go have buttsecks.


TL;DR, Cortez wins, and all is good.

TimeSplitters

Released in year 2000 by those guys who did Goldeneye, Timesplitters was revolutionary. So much so that nothing was actually changed from Goldeneye except for the Graphics, which suck. It even still uses that shit aiming system which is so sensitive the slightest movement will have you looking 90 degrees to either side. Not to mention you cannot jump. The only good thing about the entire game were the many weapons, and the duel weilding of every automatic rifle in the game. Despite holding two 100 pound miniguns in each hand, you can still aim more accurately than the shit Sniper Rifle.

The Single Player is basically Capture the Flag with at least 100 players against you and with no teammates. There is no story or description as to why you are stealing all this somehow important shit from Zombies, Aliens, Robots, Gangsters and Azn Cooks. All you need to know is that your a greedy little bastard that is willing to kill entire armies just to get, well, whatever it is you're getting. These items range from Drugs, to a Skull in a bag, to Hard Drives.

The AI in the game seems like somewhat realistic characters during the single player missions. But when you put bots into Multiplayer, they look like creepy pedophiles high on Cocaine. It's butchered even worse by how they move. In single player, they move fairly realistic with good animation, and even take cover. In Multiplayer, they run around stiffly, as if they just downed half a bottle of Viagra.

The Mansion

TimeSplitters is all about Pattern memorization. Playing the same level about 6 times, till you finally know what and when everything is going to happen. It makes the game strategic. Then, there's The Mansion. Imagine, if you will, 150 zombies. Imagine it's your first time ever using a gun, and your accuracy is horse shit. Imagine that unless you get a perfect headshot on these zombies, they will not die. And when I say perfect, I mean spot on. Now, lets make it so that about half of these zombies have shotguns, and they are 500% more accurate and quicker to aim than you. Imagine that getting shot with these only twice will kill you, and there is no Armor, and very little Medical Supplies around. Imagine that there are now fucking machine gun moose heads, 5 to be exact, shooting at you in a very small room. Survival? Impossible, right?

Well, this is pretty much The Mansion level from Timespliiters in either Normal or Hard mode. Expect rage. We here at ED believe that the only possible way to beat it on Hard, is to spend 30 hours memorizing every exact location, time frame, and every other variable you could ever think of so that you know everything that ever will, or could happen. Even still, it's going to be a bitch to beat.

That, or, you could just be a pussy and run through the level on speed avoiding everything.

Map Maker

TimeSplitters was one of the first Console games to have a Map Maker. It was hard to use, awkward as shit, and gave you the same looking Map every single time you made some other combination. Despite this, everyone who bought the game spent 99.9% of their Play Time making these maps, so they could feel Special, and smart for programing an entire game map.

The only good part about the Map Maker was that you could make story based levels out of them, so you could play through the crap single player on an even worse level.

Not to mention, you have a limit on everything on the map making grid.

Here are some amazing maps made by amazing people.

WARNING: MAY CAUSE EYE DAMAGE!

TimeSplitters 2

Because the first game was an immediate hot seller and the obvious successor to Goldeneye, Free Radical decided to make a sequel. After 2 years in development, TimeSplitters 2 was released, which didn't do much except add a story and change the Nintendo 64 graphics.

Like Halo on Xbox, TimeSplitters 2 was hailed as the greatest PS2 game ever created. To this day, it has sold a total of 50 copies, making an even greater seller than the original. It even surpassed Silent Hill, cause getting chased at 50 miles per hour by an infected zombie with Super AIDS in an old abandoned carnival is a lot more scary than wandering around in fog for 3 hours.

Gallery

See Also

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