Toledo

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Toledo - generally flat with a few very small hills.

The bastard child of Detroit and Cleveland, Toledo is a crumbling ruin of what was once a shabbily-constructed industrial city in the northwestern corner of Ohio. Home to little more than economic devastation, niggers, and corruption, Toledo has joined the rank and file of American ghettos. Located on the western end of Lake Erie, the city has yet to recover from the one-hundred and seventy-two year downward spiral following Ohio's loss in the Toledo War of 1835-1836. Unable to escape the inevitable, Toledo has become resigned to the fact that it will never escape the unshakable sense of impending doom that is the birthright of all entombed within Ohio's borders. The futile attempts of the citizenry to mask the all-encompassing aura of dread which emanates from the entire population resembles widespread failure to the untrained Philistine eyes of non-Ohioans. This is not too far from the truth.


History

Toledo's full historical records.

Toledo is near the site of the so-famous-what-do-you-mean-you've-never-heard-of-it Battle of Fallen Timbers, where on August 20, 1794 America continued its proud tradition of ethnic cleansing.

The aforementioned Toledo War, circa 1835-1836, resulted in the competing claims of both Michigan and Ohio as to which territory would claim the narrow strip of land from the Indiana border to Lake Erie (prior to catching on fire). Historical records, shown to your right, state that the kerfuffle was over which state would annex the strip into their domains. As shown by the condition of said records, they are hardly fit to wipe one's ass with. The true account reveals that the near-war was over which territory would be saddled with Toledo, and face the eternal shame of possessing it. Ohio lost, despite popular belief. Michigan received the upper peninsula as a reward for their resounding win over the failures which populated the Ohio territory. The peninsula was rich in minerals and timber, so when it boils down to it the only loser was Wisconsin, who wasn't even involved.

Since this time, the sole guiding principle of Toledo has been disappointment and regret for having come so close, yet remaining so far from sweet freedom. The seething cauldron of disconnected rage that is Toledo has been attempting to inch further toward Michigan, with typical Ohio results.

Toledo is the official sister city of the entire country of Poland.

The Lay of the Land

Typical male denizen of Toledo.
Typical female denizens of Toledo.

Geography

Toledo is flatter than Debra Messing's chest, filthier than Tubgirl's ass, and has a quality of life worse than Pillow Angel.

Economy

Toledo's economy is centered around two industries: panhandling and "American Idol." Toledo's top export is celebrities, all of whom move away to forget about Toledo.

Sports

Baseball: the Toledo Mud Hens are a baseball team, or at least they claim to be.

Football: Toledo does not have a professional football team. The reasoning is that if they did have a professional football team, Cleveland would want one too.

Hockey: Home to the gayest team ever, the mighty and feared Toledo Walleye! Yes, the hockey team is named after a fucking fish. I guess the old Toledo Storm name sounded too generic.

Men

Men in Toledo are not likely to score easily (even if they move away), nor should they expect to ever, ever sleep with a woman they could thereafter brag about without utter shame being brought down upon them by their two-steps-from-queer friends. These stunning displays of hypocritical projection are considered somewhat of a rite-of-passage amongst white Ohio males, being predominately homosexual and Republican. This stunning display of redundancy was not deliberate, but ironic in the same tired manner as pointing out that George Bush is to intelligent what Shakira is to possessing a tight vagoo. Mr. Universe to your right is in himself a prime example of this phenomenon.

It goes without saying that Chin-chan has a better chance of getting laid in Toledo than George Clooney does in a women's prison.

Even with a an entire ream of papers' worth of pardons.

Despite the complete lack of heterosexual sex happening in Toledo, the raep of outsiders and kidnapping sustains the demographics to ensure that subsequent generations of homosexuals, degenerates, and petty criminals. Paired with the osmosis-like breeding traits exhibited by the substantial Muslim population; the birth rate is about even with the death rate, which is too bad.

Women

They may be biologically female, but they're no women. Women in Toledo are universally sleazy and fall into five classes:

  • The wigger who is bound to get knocked up by her nigger boyfriend before age 16 and thinks earning a GED is the highlight of her life. Will have one of the following jobs; cosmetologist, cashier, or fast food cook. Most will be on welfare, though.
  • The nigra with foot-long green or purple nails.
  • The pollock who looks like she has down syndrome.
  • The typical white trash
  • The flat-chested coke-addict stripper who will sleep with you and all of your closeted gay best friends.

A growing demographic is the Sandnigress, whom of which wears more blankets than the KKK.

Education

For the main article, see ITT Tech

Toledo Public Schools are 95% nigger. The suburbs' school districts are so strict that everyone but the aspies and immigrants drop out.

Sites of Interest

You guessed it, Magellan. It is clear that you do not need a map to know that this article is the sole site of interest in Toledo - and the server it's on probably isn't even in Ohio.

Getting Around

Getting to anywhere in Toledo is easy, as the city is mostly laid out in a grid. One simply heads North or South until you smell it, then East or West until you step in it.

Born in Toledo, wouldn't be caught dead there now

Still in Toledo

   
 
Gucci mang!
 

 
 

—Traditional Toledoan greeting

Suburbs

Ohio Suburbs

  • Holland - A city where any retard can get his 15 minutes. Just ask Joe the Plumber.
  • Maumee - Brian Peppers once lived here.
  • Ottawa Hills - Located in between Toledo and Sylvania, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise lived here for a few months. Yes, the most exciting thing to ever happen to Toledo wasn't technically in the city at all.
  • Sylvania - A small city where all the white people fled to. It is full of cousin-fuckers whose (mostly mentally retarded) kids reach a towering height of 5'6" by the time they graduate high school. Needless to say, all Sylvanians vote Republican. (Seriously, Sylvania schools are recognized nationally for retard care.)
  • Perrysburg - Home to soccer moms that are pissed that they don't qualify as MILFs, and several hundred thousand stores selling overpriced baby clothes.

Michigan Suburbs

Remember, Toledo is right across the border from Michigan, allowing some of each locale's stink to infest the other.

  • Adrian - A city full of lovely people.
  • Bedford Township - a designated white person-from-Toledo resettlement area, currently in the process of being abandoned.
  • Dearborn - a.k.a. Little Arabia
  • Detroit - The nigger capital of the Great Lakes region. Lies across the river from Canada, making it effortless for Canadians to deport their undesirables.

See also

...but you could say the same thing about Toledo.