Tomb Raider

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This is what started this ...
... and this is what will probably end it got everyone working on it the sack.
Angelina Jol ... fap fap fap
Angelina Jolie6603.jpg
Rhona Mitra portraying Lara Croft IRL at the Eidos trade show booth circa last Thursday
Former RL Lara models reunited in 2007 for a one-off photoshoot

In 1996, Toby Gard had a dream. After he had cleaned himself off with tissues, he invented Lara Croft, Tomb Raider and everything else himself with no help whatsoever from anybody else. Then he invented Galleon and the film Cradle of Life. Meanwhile thanks to the efforts of cosplayers to get their boyfriends/girlfriends/dogs off whilst dressed as Lara Croft a spin-off game was created on the back of the new sex craze. All of this would be of no interest to the readers of ED if it was not for the explosion of Tomb Raider forums, chatrooms, fanfiction and merchandising that have swamped the internets, filling all of the tubes with milky white liquid.

Lulziest quote ever

   
 
Complete realism wasn't possible, of course, and Gard intended Lara to have somewhat exaggerated dimensions from the start. While making test adjustments to her girlish figure, a slip of his mouse turned an intended 50% increase to her breast size into a 150% gain. It met with instant approval from the team before he could correct it.
 

 
 

From [1]. What utter crap. Toby Gard gave Lara big tits because he fancied his sister.


   
 
As far as Eidos was concerned, Lara single-handedly took them from a $2.6 million deficit to a $14.5 million profit in just one year. They were damn well going to take advantage of the most unique opportunity in marketing history: a virtual sex symbol. Disillusioned by the complete lack of creative control over his own character, Gard left Core.
 

 
 

Creepy wanker.

Nude Hacks

Tomb Raider is a common masturbation tool for 13 year old boys who don't use the ED porn challenge. As Lara Croft has tits, she is a clear subject for rule 34. However, there are very few good artists who bother with her, so what we are left with is shitty 3-D renders from the same sick fuck who thinks having her shit out raccoons from her snatch is hot.

To fill this need, in 1997 a site called Nude Raider developed nude patches for Tomb Raider 2. They had found a niche market for people who wanted to jerk off to horrible triangular pixelated breasts that were made worse by equally bad nude hacks. But Eidos demolished the shit out of the site, and currently own the url.

Edios then did it themselves, giving Lara different outfits for players to jerk off to, including generic skin-tight catsuits and bikinis, culminating in a crotchless scuba suit for the forthcoming game Tomb Raider Underpants.

The Many Deaths of Lara

One of the main selling points of the game is that players will often die over and over again because, unless they jump from an exact pixel and land on an exact pixel, THEY WILL DIE.

  • Falling off a high place and dying
  • Falling into a spike pit
  • Drowning
  • Caught in an explosion
  • Burned alive
  • Getting eaten by a dinosaur.
  • Cut to shreds by spinning blades
  • Crushed to death
  • Shot to death
  • Savaged to death by a variety of angry animals, including bats, rats, endangered species, and dinosaurs.
  • Caught in a car crash
  • AIDS

However, as she is loaded from getting shitloads of cash from when her parents kicked the bucket, thus gaining the title 'Lady', she will eventually die in a car crash.

Movies

Two incredibly crapass, artistic movies were made based on the games: Lara Croft, Tomb Raider and Lara Croft, Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life. The first one is distinguished by Angelina Jolie's massive tits. The second one has smaller tits and Gerard Butler. Neither movie had any distinguishable plot, beyond "grab old thing and shoot the fuck out of people." The movies are generally watched by sick fucks or nasty disgusting old whores who masturbate to either star.

NEW!!! Tomb Raider: Ascension - fan made film that's not quite as good as The Cradle of Life. Doesn't star Angelina Jolie.

Lara does the Silver Ring Thing

Lara Croft about to be raped of her virginity by some lesbians

There is a bizarre section of the Tomb Raider community that insist that Lara Croft is a virgin (as well as being teetotal, a non-smoker and a non-user of cusswords). Safe to say that these people are either;

Balancing these delusionals out are the equally delusional people who suspect Lara Croft is bisexual or lesbian[2], possibly because they think it is naughty to do so, or because they identify Lara too much with Angelina Jolie. We'd post links, but most of them would have been to conversations at Justin J. Farr's Tomb Raider Forums[3] that have been deleted by the Eidos marketing department.

Working on Lara is good for your career

A short history of win.
   
 
It employs much of its staff as though they are permanent, when in fact, they know that they will lay most of them off when production ramps down retaining only a slim group for the next preproduction phase.

Without exception, (as far as I’m aware) those who are let go lose any rights to future royalties or bonuses after having spent the last X months in crunch.

It’s a bit nasty isn’t it? In fact I think you could call it almost dishonest.
 


 
 

Toby Gard not whining again [4].

Tomb Raider Loli (2012)

A CGI scene from the wonderful new Tomb Raider Loli reporn. Laura-san is hung up in a cave and has to escape by setting fire to her own vag.

Dateline 062211; In order to make more monies, Square Penis have decided to go for the Japanese used panties demographic to try and claw back credibility after the failure of Tomb Raider Underpants to raise a semi. Their latest wizard wheeze is to introduce an underage (13) Eurasian girl named Laura-san into a Silent Hill/torture porn scenario involving pain, dirt, bondage and gasps that can be interpreted as orgasmic or agonised depending on what floats your boat.

Exclusively for ED (and not ripped off from the movie When Lara Met Conrad) Wikileak present part of the leaked script;


   
 
Oh...Oh god...Ooo Oh God...Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh God... Oh yeah right there. Oh! Oh...Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh... Yes Yes Yes....Oh...Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh... Oh... Oh God Oh... Oh... Huh... I got there!
 

 
 

Needless to say the totally impartial teen computer journalists at E3 could hardly type left handed as they jizzed their enthusiasm [5].

An earlier incarnation of sweet little Laura-san, when her "Daddy" was called Werner instead of Conrad.

This enthusiasm wasn't just echoed by the "beautiful people" paid/bribed to sell the game - TR:Loli also won over long term fans as can be seen from this reaction on Twitter;


   
 
http://t.co/V4CSetR - I can't entirely articulate why this disturbs me, but there's a nasty tone of salivating over the little girl in it.

• So basically your 'brilliant reboot' of Lara Croft is to make her a safer male-gaze fetish object by repeatedly torturing and damaging her. And stripping her of all her ferocious qualities so that she's 'vulnerable' and 'innocent'. NICE GOING, DOUCHES
• Guess women protagonists still have to be PUNISHED in the game industry? If you, a major developer in 2011, still think women have to be psychically raped in order to be strong, you are an ASSHOLE and FAIL.

 


 
 

More news about how you can help Tomb Raider to be more profitable will be posted here as it happens!!!

Angel of Darkness versus Uncharted: the Great Debate



Game Tomb Raider Angel of Darkness Uncharted: Drake's Fortune
Character Kurtis Trent Nathan Drake
Special Power Gay Falls over and/or breaks things
Weapons Boomerang, chapstick Beret, raincoat
Sidekick Scrappy Doo Elena Fisher
Vehicle Dream Machine Runaway shopping cart
Catchphrase "It was the sanitarium director all along" "Ooh Betty"
Main flaw Fucking hippy Linear gameplay
Units sold 3 8,000,000,000,000
Success? No Yes



Screen capture from Tomb Raider AoD of Kurtis Trent, Lara Croft and some bloke. On a tram. In Mexico. Or something.


Crystal Dynamics's "Tomb Raider" Gallery



Gallery of Lara in Action

Deviant Raider - Lara as otherkin

Not everybody at ED hates furries. However there is something ironic about portraying Lara Croft as a furry, given that of all the imaginary characters not in the real world, she is the one most likely to mow Otherkin down in a hail of lead. To paraphrase Tomb Raider's most famous fanfiction writer "Yiff in Hell, Furfags," shrieked Lara. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Parodies

Lara's "Special" Youtube Showcase










This next one is almost good, in a weird "Dave, I'm losing my mind, I can feel it" kinda way;





Tomb Raider fans are obviously not talented or witty, and are not at all gay.

Lara's "Special" DeviantART Showcase

Lara gibberish.jpg

Maybe something got lost in translation? [6]

See also



External Links


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