Tony Alamo (aka Jew) has tried his hand at a few different trades in his life. He's been a entertainer, record producer, health club owner, and entrepreneur. However, the one industry in which he truly thrived was that of evangelist. Jew, Alamo used his natural abilities to open the Tony Alamo Christian Ministries along with his wife Susan. Little did he know how many lulz were to be had.
Oh Come Ye Faithful
Starting out as a Hollywood street ministry, Tony and Susan spent their days pimping themselves out to all the fine, upstanding, well adjusted, working class folks found roaming the neighborhood. Once they had gained enough money, they took their flock and relocated to beautiful Arkansas. This is where the church really started to prosper and Tony was able to expand his growing empire into a multitude of different arenas including a printing shop, a grocery store, a trucking company and a bunch of other shit nobody cares about. The church was also able to start offering drug rehab, job training and room and board for those in need of help. This turned out to be a brilliant move for Tony as he was now provided with a workforce for his next venture: An Alamo clothing line. However, hindsight is 20/20, and looking back Tony probably should have realized that the labor board probably wouldn't take to kindly to his business techniques. The subsequent raping from the labor board signals the beginning of what would be an incredible downward spiral which included:
- Being sued in 1988 for beating an 11 year old through the kids parents over the phone.
- Supposedly taking 2 15 year old girls from his congregation as "wives" after Susan kicked.
- Being sued for embezzling $100,000 from his trucking company.
- Having his congregation remove Susan's body from the church compound just before an IRS raid.
- Ultimately having to give Susan's body back to her family after yet another lolsuit.
- Being convicted in 1994 of federal tax evasion and serving 4 years in prison.
Since his release in 1998, Tony has resumed his role of head Jew at his church where he spouts off all sorts of lulzy comments such as the pope and the president are part of a satanic conspiracy which was responsible for JFK, Pearl Harbor and 9/11. This, however, is nothing more than Jew trickery as everyone knows that Jews did 9/11.
Being an evangelical church you know Tony and his flock are going to be spouting off some retarded nonsense. But to really get a feel for the level of insanity present in the Alamo church, a brief list of some core values is required:
- The pope is the Antichrist.
- The Catholic church is the church of Satan.
- The Catholics are also trying to form a one-world government. -Quick someone call Alex Jones!
- If you pray hard enough God will send a squadron of flying saucers for you to see
- Being gay is a poor choice.
- Children should get married at the age of puberty.
- Only Tony knows how to properly interpret the Bible.
- Tony believed that Susan was going to resurrected and as such, kept her body on display for 6 months after death.
Why Don't You Take A Seat Over There
On September 20th 2008, acting on a tip they received from a guy who owns a lot of chairs, the partyvan raided the church headquarters trying to find some cp. Along with the child pron come allegations of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and polygamy. The allegations stem from former butthurt members of Tony's church who just wanted in on the action but were denied by Tony who holds on to his cp tighter than he holds onto his jew gold. While Tony officially denied the charges, the partyvan watches you masturbate and as such know that Tony is lying through his teeth. Sick and tired of his faggotry, the feds v& Tony on September 25th charging him with transporting minors over state lines for sexual activity. As of December 6th, 7 additional counts have been filed against Tony which all have to do with secksing up children. Have fun getting goatsed in the big house Tony.
Tony defends himself
— One of Tony's factory workers on living conditions.
— lol wut
- Brief history of the church
- Some more history
- Getting v&
- Site outlining some of Tony's awesomeness
- The Tony Alamo Christian Ministries
Tony Alamo is part of a series on