Top Gear

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Top Gear (also known as Top Gayer or Top Queer), was an unfunny would-be car show that started about 100 years ago. The original iteration was laughably unfunny. Later they changed the format to be about 3 middle aged fat British wankers who drive around in cars you will never able to afford and driving to places you would never want to go. Despite its rampant un-funniness, British Top Gear was known for being one of the biggest trolls on TV.

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Pictured: Jeremy Clarkson

Classic Top Gear

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Bet she is pretty good at driving with a stick

Before the first Star Wars was more than a sparkle in George Lucas' wallet, Top Gear appeared to some unlucky UK midlanders who were hoping their new-bought TV would actually bring enjoyment into their lives, but instead they were presented with a boring magazine-like show about cars. The hosts were Angela Ribbon and Tom Coyne. From 1980 onward, Rippon was replaced by light entertainment Napoleon Noel 'trail of death' Edmonds. Coyne, mysteriously died less than a month after Top Gear 2.0 was canceled. Coincidence?

After kicking off Angela Ribbon for being a dumb woman, they tried out a shitload of different hosts, each one more terrible than the last. Because of this the viewership was shit, and BBC was constantly threatening to kick the show to the curb. After dropping all pretenses, and finally becoming an all out fuck-you-environment show and bringing in Jeremy Clarkson, the show became the most watched on BBC2, for some reason. It kept like this from 1988 to 2000, until people got bored. And they went to the far superior Fifth Gear instead. And in 2001 Clarkson had had enough of the shit, so he quit like a giant manchild, only to host:

Top Gear 2.0

From left to right, Hammond, Clarkson, James May, and The Stig.

Once again, the BBC tossed Clarkson into his own personal motoring faggotry nest, gave a few gay lovers to help him out, and hoped that he would keep his fucking mouth shut. But he didn't. Instead, he resumed his old ways, and began, once again, to loudly voice his opinions about cars, do pointless tests (like seeing what could maneuver better, a car or a helicoptor gunship. We all hoped that Clarkson would soon be Put down once and for all, but, incredibly, (with the replacement of his two original faggoty co-hosts), Top Gear continued!

Despite eyeryone expecting it to fail immediately, new Top Gear, with Jizza at its helm, developed into an English version of The Chaser, only better, and more popular, and with cars. Why the success? Because, for no apparent reason, Top Gear decided to transform itself from a lame-ass car show to the single biggest troll in Britain. Because of this trolling, Top Gear became the second of only two examples of lulz made by the BBC (the first being Monty Python). Treasured memories of it include the time its space shuttle blew up in mid-air, the time the hosts built a bridge over the River Kok, and the time the whole crew was run out of Argentina by a rabid mob. At its heyday, it was being shown in more than 100 countries.

However, like all good things on the BBC, it would not last. For eventually, the BBC became tired of his constant games of catch the nigger by his toe, and his merciless insulting of its political allies. Top Gear began to get sued again and again for things like Malicious Falsehoods and Racistness. Eventually, it all came to a head when Jizza falcon-punched some producer over no complimentary dinner being served for the hosts. When asked as to why he did this unspeakable act, Jizza replied that he had been stressed because he had just that moment realized that his second marriage was shit, recieved a diagnosis that a lump on his tongue was cancer, and that the BBC, hoping to finally get rid of him, had cancelled his contract. In other words, he did it for the lulz. After this incident, Clarkson was quickly purged from the BBC. His co-hosts, in a heartwarming display of unity, left with him. Remember, this from men who, when they were on the air, frequently reminded each other 'This isn't the Marines, we leave people behind.'

Also, new Top Gear was the sauce of the BBC's fail forced meme, The Stig.

Hosts

Jeremy 'Jezza' Clarkson

Jeremy Jezza Clarkson is a copiously fat, bald, tall, and gay Britfag. However, this can all be forgiven, since he one of the biggest trolls in the history of TV. Unique for being the only host to be on both Old and New Top Gear. Jizza hosted the show for more than twelve years before finally being told to GTFO by the BBC after he cunt-punched a bitchy producer. While he was on the air, Clarkson was known for being a champion of the lulz. His many lulzy deeds include insulting Assburgers, the previously mentioned cunt-punching, and for being the first man to saythe word nigger on mainstream TV in at least 100 years. Catchphrase: 'MOAR POWER!' Also, his first wife left him for one of his friends after six months of their marriage.

James May

James May is even older, fatter, and more gay than Clarkson. He is known as "Captain Slow" 'cause he he likes it slooooow. He is also a fan of ballet and owns a Ferrari. Catchphrase: 'Oh, cock.'

Richard Hammond

A stupid redneck midget who gets an erection every time he sees anything even remotely rural. Secretly an Americunt. Object of adoration from Top Gear fangirls, and also hates Mexicans. Oh, and once he had a tire explode on a 300MPH rocket car while he was driving it, crashed, and had to spend a few weeks in hospital.

Jason Dawe

Purged after the first season. Too much of a faggot even for this show.

The Stig

Has his own article. Some say you should click him to read more.

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Typical Episode

Shows always start with Jizza making unfunny intros, then goes into either him or one of the other two faggots doing a review of car noone can buy. Then the Stig drives it around their test track for no real reason. Then there's The News, where the hosts sit and troll cars or people they don't like, and James says Good news! The Dacia Sandero is X!. Then there's the main event, almost always something completely pointless, like 'How many puppies can a Ferrari run over?', or 'What's the worst Car you can get for 1500 quid?'. Then it's back to the studio, where one of the hosts is inevitably butthurt over failing epically at the challenge. The other two troll the loser for a while, and then 'On that bombshell' it's time to end.

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I wonder what the challenge is today...

Incidents

Mocking Germans

In 7th series, Jeremy decided to have a go at ze Germans. A quintessentially German car that would only use the Nazi salute as indicators, a sat-nav that only went to Poland, and a fan-belt that would last thousand years. Of course since Germans have no humour they got quite upset.

Hammond's Crash

While shooting for Season 9 of this rubbish, Hammond aka Hamster decided to have a go at trying his luck in a dragster car called Vampire Dragster, a small breeze threw him off course and causing him to tumble and crash spectacularly. Saved by his hamster-cage, he unfortunately managed to escape, and then return to the show.

The Crash
The Return


   
 
If I had a to-do list it would have said:

Get in car.
Drive car.
Crash car.
Die.

 


 
 

YouTube Favicon.png Richard Hammond

Sweet Home Alabama

Because Hammond didn't have enough of a death wish already, the trio decided to go to America. Here they would visit Alabama, and paint their cars with offensive words meant to offend the conservative right.

Trolling Romania

   
 
Borat country, with gypsies and Russian playboys
 

 
 

—Clarkson accurately describing Romania

Romania got really really upset with this awfully accurate portrayal of their gypsy country, in season 14, so they decided to re-edit the episode and they even wrote a letter.

Gypsies Got So Upset They Hacked The Daily Telegraph

To prove how mad they were about this, some retarded Romanians decided to hack a completely unrelated newspaper.

Top Gear Romania.jpg

Insulting Mexicans

Yet another group of thin-skinned crybabies got offended when Top Gear spoke about them in season 16. This time YouTube Favicon.png the Mexicans. This even invoked the ire of The Young Turks, with Ana spearheading YouTube Favicon.png the outrage.


   
 
lazy, feckless, flatulent oaf with a moustache, leaning against a fence asleep, looking at a cactus with a blanket with a hole in the middle on as a coat"
 

 
 

—Hammond describing Mexico

   
 
Refried sick
 

 
 

—James May describing Mexican food

   
 
Richard Hammond:
I'm sorry, but just imagine waking up and remembering you're Mexican

Jeremy Clarkson:
It'd be brilliant because you could just go straight back to sleep again!

 


 
 

—Jeremy and Richard describing Mexican lifestyle

   
 
Their houses are disgusting
 

 
 

—Hammond describing Australia, but pay no mind to this, because Australians are white

Patagonia Special aka Argentinians Be Mad

Driving around the number plate H982 FKL could of course only mean one thing. That Top Gear was referencing the Falkland War. So in a display of anger over losing the Falklands to Britain, Argentinian nationals decided to trash the cars that the entire crew was driving.

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The car for sale

Clarkson said nigger


You really have to put on your problem glasses to hear the word nigger. Nigger.

Quotes

   
 
I did not use the N-word. Never use it. The Mirror has gone way too far this time.
 

 
 

—Clarkson, lying.

   
 
Sunny skies, light breezes, girls wearing short skirts, because the thing is, you can’t not look. You can’t physically not look.
 

 
 

—Clarkson, telling perverts it's awwwright.

   
 
I was in a cab in Piccadilly the other day when a woman in a full burka crossing the road in front of me tripped over the pavement, went head over heels and up it came, red g-string and stockings.
 

 
 

—Clarkson, explaining how Muslim women are whores.

   
 
That is a proud moment, but there's a slope on it.
 

 
 

—Jeremy Clarkson, Azn hater.

   
 
We're more a nation of witherspoons and Heat Magazine and...Chlamydia.
 

 
 

—Clarkson, stating the truth of his home country.

   
 
Save Clarkson? Save old cardboard boxes and cut bits of string. They're much more useful.
 

 
 

James May, being unfunny on Twitter to hide his butthurtness at Clarkson being fired.

Top Gear 3.0

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As if the old Top Gear wasn't unfunny enough, BBC decided to just throw their money straight out the fucking windows. Their first choice for a presenter was whiny screeching voice Chris Evans, known for being the most unfunny at any given time. Well until the second presenter was announced. It was no other than Matt LeBlanc, who someone might remember from the disaster known as Joey, a spin-off of Friends. So now it is two unfunny presenters. The others were Sabine Schmitz from the German Top Gear that crashed and burned. Some formula1 presenter and a token nigger.

Ratings Fell Faster Than The Pound After Brexit

Despite Britain had a population increase of 8%, the number of viewers from even the worst second edition Top Gear episodes. It managed to somehow beat out its own previously low record of 2,3 million by only getting 1,9 million viewers. So if we remove the population increase and ignore the VPN users and others, the actual number is 1,75 million. More than half a million less than Top Gear 2.0. Excuses are many, and among the most insane is that the stupid Brits were too busy watching soccer instead. Sure, they were busy watching the underdog team that beat their team. YouTube Favicon.png That seems legit for tea drinking faggots.

So Chris Evans quits

   
 
Stepping down from Top Gear. Gave it my best shot but sometimes that's not enough. The team are beyond brilliant, I wish them all the best.
 

 
 

https://twitter.com/achrisevans/status/749969917055799296, Chris Evans

And it had nothing at all to do with the entire team fucking hating the git.

   
 
“Matt [LeBlanc] has already indicated that he won’t continue on any further series if Chris remains part of it, and he is far from the only one who isn’t happy.”...

The source added that Evans has allegedly “firmly distanced” himself from the team, refusing to “encourage” them and even “pretending to bump his head against a wall in frustration” when formed F1 boss Eddie Jordan struggled to nail his lines.
 


 
 

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/news/top-gear-matt-leblanc-vows-to-quit-unless-chris-evans-is-sacked-rory-reid-eddie-jordan-labour-crisis-a7105186.html, Good riddance to bad rubbish

Cohost response:

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Chris Evans was on fewer episodes than Jason Dawe.

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Clarkson sending his warmest regards to Chris Evans

The Grand Tour

After Clarkson got sacked by the faggots at the BBC, Hammond and May left too as part of some sort of gay pact for life the three idiots signed many years before. Global monopoly of late packages and not telling you your shit you just ordered is actually coming on the slow boat from China: Amazon saw this as a great cash grab opportunity to get more Prime members and snatched Clarkson, Hammond, and May up along with former Top Gear lead producer Andy Wilman to film a new car show to shit on Top Gear 3.0. Amazon is paying them even more fucking money than the BBC ever did and is giving them a bigger budget to do even more colossally dumb shit involving motorized transportation; all filmed in 4K. The show is basically in the same studio format as Top Gear 2.0 but the idiots travel around the world this time in a tent. Everything else remains very similar not to piss of fans but different enough not to piss off the BBC. The Grand Tour's first episode dropped on November 18, 2016 and proceeded to make the BBC shit themselves.

Spinoffs

This show has had more spinoffs than Star Wars. Srsly, America, Australia, France, Germany, Japan, and South Korea all have their own versions, all of which lack the British version's trolling component, and are therefore failures.

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See also

External Links


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