From Encyclopedia Dramatica
—@TiffanyMynx, Typical "tweet".
- Not to be confused with this site.
Twitter (aka Shitter, aka Your account is currently suspended. For more information, please visit Suspended Accounts), or as President Obama calls it, Twitter's, is an outrage machine where highly sensitive people spend all of their time so they can get offended by everything and bully people into silence with death threats. It is also a place for people to post retarded stuff and stalk each other by following.
Truth: Twitter is a Web 2.0 site for fags/dykes who are too stupid to use IRC and need turn-based chat. Typical Twitter users subject each other to a relentless feed of minutia in their otherwise meaningless lives, known as tweets, 24/7/365. Got a new job? Just drank a glass of milk? Took a big shit? Tweet it!
- Newsfags show every single detail about the news and politics, and males rubbing their male vulvas to Barack Osama, the one who caused 9/11, a fraction invented by some math geek.
- Adults just posting about how much they jack off to news or just like to go out and have orgies with their pussyboiz in prison
- Fucktarded ASS-PIE teens with burgers in their ass making random tweets that make no fucking sense, bitching about their life because they got grounded for milking Fido, tweets about how they hate school but don't even have the testicles to stand up and fight authority by skipping school like a bunch of hypocrites they all now are, blocking people for no reason, posting pictures of them and their friends doing retarded garbage ass shit, and following everyone but one person.
- Celebrities - SELLOUT!!!!!
Why you're blocked
- You owned them
- You scare them
- For the lulz
...and most commonly...
- They have NO reason
How to still see their shit
You can see their stuff, but can't look up statuses for tweets, favoriting their tweets, and following them.
- Make a new account
- Impersonate someone else to fool them with a sock account
- If they are private, impersonate someone and they will accept your request, otherwise hack someone's twitter to see their tweets or get their allowance to use it
- Force them to unblock you (CHALLENGE!)
- twhirl - Stupid looking waste of space.
- netvibes - Don't expect to know what this website even does.
- twitterific (more like Shiterific, amirite)- Hmmm...post on the website for free, or buy a program to do the same shit for $15US?
- twitterfox - A Firefox plug-in. If Firefox is even open, it should take a few seconds to update with or without the plug-in.
- twit - Named after those who download it. Only for weeaboos.
- twitterfeed - Semiuseful service for getting RSS feed items to a twitter account.
- tinytwitter - Boring.
For some reason, these are all really popular.
Notable People On Twitter
Since Twitter is basically a Retarded LiveJournal, updates might range between one to two letters. Generally, an entry may be about what music someone's listening to, when they're going somewhere, a response to someone else, what they just clicked on, what they just thought, what letter they just thought about, what punctuation they just thought about, or beautiful poetry.
Even Twitter's own web site introduction admits that Twitter is redundant and offers no social benefit:
No Troll Hypothesis
In 2007, many fanbois and retarded bitches persistently claimed that trolling does not occur on Twitter. News of this Troll Free Zone - unheard of in the history of the internets - spread far and wide, and caused a massive explosion of late to the party lusers to sign up.
This theory has been officially trashed, as evidenced by the trolling of many famous persons including Bill O'Reily, Britney Spears, Trent Reznor, and other douches in the late morning hours of 2009 as reported by paid trolls Gawker.com
|OMGHAX||About missing Pics|
Drama! Twitter Refuses To Uphold Terms of Service! Oh Noes!
Unfortunate Ariel Waldman unfortunately works for Twitter's unfortunate competitor Pownce:
—Ariel does the right thing.
—Ariel can't take it anymore.
—Twitter doesn't give a fuck about your lame drama.
Instead of using the rather obvious block feature to ignore the offsensive user, Ariel began to harass the Twitter admins with complaint messages, only to be ignored. Butthurt and embarrassed, Ariel embarked on a large scale publicity whoring campaign to let the world at large know that Twitter refuses to uphold their terms of service' including lawyers and all.
The whole event caused a great deal of worry and concern for Twitter's loyal followers, as it provided a simple and obvious proof to invalidate the No Troll Hypothesis, and raepd them of any perceptions of their "specialness" as an "online community".
Scalability Is Serious Fucking Business (My Cock is Bigger Than Yours)
The instability of the Twitterverse and obsessive posting habits of many lusers means that daily use of Twitter has the network profile of a DDoS, frequently choking the site and blocking updates. This forces the lusers back to their usual faggotry where they whine and complain or post fawning sycophantic comments on the fail blog, a colossal feedback loop of narcissism leading to a dripping clusterfuck of triviality.
Transcript of a Typical Tweeting Episode
- Tweet / LuSer: eating a bagel! om nom nom (10:41am)
- Blog / LuSer: twitter is down! waiting for it to come back (10:43am)
- Blog / LuSer: twitter is still down :( (10:51am)
- Tweet / LuSer: is this working? (10:58am)
- Tweet / LuSer: seems to be working (10:59am)
- Blog / LuSer: twitter is back again! (10:59am)
- Blog / LuSer: twitter is down (11:01am)
From the outside, this typical behavior could easily be construed as vapid insanity. But engineers know that Twitter is Serious Fucking Business, making every Twitter failure a grand opportunity to compare penis size in blog posts that use the magic word Scalability. Technical experts know that Twitter is a Distributed Messaging Service, which means that only engineers with massive cocks can understand the significance. Nothing could be more important than typical LuSer losing her ability to tell her retarded followers what she had for lunch. Of course, engineers know that they have bigger dicks than you and the Twitter developers, which is why they're obliged to mutually masturbate over every instance of Twitter fail, an activity which they call scalability advice from the trenches. This continues to happen, despite the fact that none of them have ever managed a successful high traffic website, nor do they have any fucking idea what the Twitter architecture actually looks like. The tubes are alive with the sound of fap fap fapping.
Technical expert reasons why Twitter architecture epitomizes Fail
- It is built with Ruby on Rails.
- The Series of tubes is not gay enough to handle distributed asynchronous push style messaging.
Actual reason why Twitter architecture epitomizes Fail
- Twitter is a joke business that generates no money but plenty of lulz for its developers, who are attention whores addicted to the shit storm that occurs every time their service goes down. Twitter claims that it is not interested in PROFIT??? (lulz wtf?) and only wants to expand its user base, everyone knows that the real reason is because their users are all black person so they'll never be able to make any money off of them. They're just trying to see how long they can trick Investors that they have a plan.
The current plan goes something like this:
1)Get a bunch of black person to join.
As a sister site, Search Twitter is a real-time search engine with which you can see what is being said about certain keywords at any moment. It's a decent tool for seeing what the sheeple are thinking. Go ahead, try out "4chan", or "I am gay". This might be the only redeemable aspect of Twitter.
Twatter has finally filled a niche, albeit a dirty, smelly one. Iranian Citizens have recently begun rioting in the streets because their poster-boy candidate wasn't elected. Being the cunning, organized people they are, the people are now using Twatter as a way to communicate quickly and efficiently. As seen here, live 'tweets' from the Revolutionaries are being made.
Sometime during 2009, between October and November, Stephen FUCKING Fry was happily typing away on his Twitter page, talking about what cereal he had for breakfast and when he was to film new TV shows, when all of a sudden a fellow Twitfag by the name of BrumPlum went on his page and suggested that Stephen Fry may be a bit boring.
Now instead of just ignoring him, Stephen Fry fell for the troll bait and left a butthurt comment on the troll's page.
His fans, not wanting to see their great messiah leave their social networking site, cried for at least 100 days until Stephen Fry came back, admitting that he hadn't grabbed his pills that day when he said he would leave.
—Someone taking their social networking way too seriously
David Cameron on Twitter
9.09 David Cameron apologises for nude photoshoot in Nuts in which he smears porridge on the grave of Farrah Fawcett and eats a live mouse.
9.12 David Cameron apologises for holding Nelson Mandela in a headlock on 6Music. Reports that he was nude & blacked-up remain unconfirmed.
9.15 David Cameron apologises for threatening to eat Diana Athill's hair live on the Radio 4 Bookclub.
9.16 David Cameron apologises for slicing off own nipples during PMQs. 'That's Cocaine Dave' shrugged a spokesman. 'He's off his tits. Literally'
9.17 David Cameron apologises for kicking pensioner to death during Question Time, urinating on Paddy Ashdown and then quietly vomiting
9.18 David Cameron apologises for rubbing genitals on camera-lens whilst eating faeces from ice-cream cone during Newsround.
9.20 David Cameron apologises for whipping out cock and pursuing Fern Britton across Broadcasting House whilst screaming.
Ebert v. Breitbart
Last Thursday, Roger Ebert was shooting some B-Ball outside the school when Andrew Breitbart, who was up to no good, started making trouble in his neighborhood. They got in one little fight and Salon got scared, and said "you're moving in with your Aunty and Uncle in Boulder."
This little slapfight, reported on by Salon.com, only scratches the surface of an ongoing back and forth between the two pundits. You can find the full article here.
Twitter and Communism
Controlling Twitter Trends
It's time to learn about control systems, especially in relation to controlling Twitter trends.
In our case:
- Process = Twitter web site
- Controller = Script that we have programmed
- Sensor = A way to obtain statistics about Twitter trends
- R(s) = Desired output response / Desired position of trends on twitter
- Y(s) = Output / Actual position of trends on twitter
- Td(s) = Noise in the signal / Twitter posts of rest of the world (non-anon)
- N(s) = Noise of measurement / We cannot access all statistics directly, instead we have to rely on third party which can add delay and incorrect data.
Why is this important? We can model this process as second order system. And let's say we have a controller that will position output at value of 1, this is how it looks like over time.
>> step( feedback(tf(, [5 1 .02]),1) )
So, this is good, it will oscillate for some time and then it might stabilize (Assuming there is no noise.) How? Let's say our program reads value of current trends and decides that is should push more one specific term. Now, it may happen that is pushes too hard and overshoots, that means it should now bring it down, and after that maybe push it back up again...
Unfortunately, what may happen is following:
>> step( feedback(tf(, [8 -1 .02]),1) )
In this case output does not stabilize, because controller is not programmed properly.
Another problem is existence of noise. Let's call
- Signal all posts from our script and
- Noise are posts from the other people.
Engineers define something called Signal-to-Noise Ratio. If this SNR is not large enough we will not have enough precision to stabilize all those trends.
What I have presented here are problems with dynamics of the controlling twitter trends. I don't have a proof that these problems will actually happen. But it is possible.
- We can have delay about the twitter statistics
- We can easily overshoot desired position
- We can have other people twittering randomly our terms and screwing up the output
In order to solve this we need
- Real-time detailed statistics (not just list of current trends)
- Good programming
- Lot's of participants to increase SNR
XSS Twitter Exploit
Last Thursday, some enterprising individuals found out you can embed CSS code in tweets and basically fuck up entire walls and pages.
- Trigger annoying alert windows
- Crank up the font size to 999px and wreck the entire home page
- Create a giant overlay that masks the entire site
- Create a self-replicating tweet that retweets itself simply by people looking at it
- Get the prime minister's wife to post about pornography
- Get the US Press Secretary to post DEATH TO AMERICA
- Combine all of the above and basically make the entire site unusable as self-replicating tweets consume everybody's profiles
The event lasted for several hours on the morning of 9/21, until the hole was finally patched. Plans for a mosque are currently underway.
- Social networking sites
- Angie The Atheist tweeted her abortion.
- Hayley Williams tweeted her tits.
- Kirstie Alley tweeted her fat
- Lindsay Lohan tweeted her SCRAM drama
- Morrissey tweeted his asexuality
- San Francisco
- Web 2.0
- Main page
- People don't read stories they tweet
- The real Twatter
- What to do in a plane crash? Twitter about it while it's happening.
- Get your boss to use Twitter
Twatter is part of a series on
Visit the Social Media Portal for complete coverage.
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